Personal question - having kids

[Liberty Belle]

I absolutely agree with everything you said here and it reminds me of something someone said to DH once.
He was waiting for his church league basketball game to start and there was a guy there who obviously had been to a bar first, grousing about not being able to stay for the game b/c he had to go home and help his son with a Science project. He ask if we had kids when DH said No the guy said "Biggest mistake you ever made"

I'm confused about what is confusing to you. Are you saying that he shouldn't have been grumbling about having to leave to help his son while telling your DH he's making a mistake not having kids? I don't see the correllation.

 

[ilovefh]

I always knew I wanted kids, now two years and two miscarriages later we've stopped trying and we're trying to figure how far we want to go because emotionally I don't know if it is worth it. We're now people I never thought we'd be, considering not having kids at all. Feels odd for me, but at this point I think it would be more selfish to keep trying. It's not fair to my DH to keep making him ride my ridiculous emotional rollercoaster!

I don't think having or not having kids is selfish. Everyone has their own priorities and no one person's priorities are more important than anyone else's.

I can say I have several friends who decided not to have children. Some are super happy and have no regrets, some have regrets, and some accidentally got pregnant and now love being a parent. If it makes you happy to not have children that is what you should do.

 

[starann]

I was another who always knew I wanted children. But that's me. You are you! It is a decision only you can make. I have a friend who says she will never have a child of her own....mainly because she knows there are plenty of children out there who need a mom...so why have another child when she can be a 'needed' mom. She hears no clock ticking, because at 32, she still has plenty of time to adopt.

I see many older people (as a visiting nurse) who never married or never had children. Some tell my why (medical reasons, chose not to) and others don't. I tend not to ask, as it is none of my beeswax!

Some that I see have nieces or nephews who are involved in their care, or a friend or few friends they can count on to help out or be a shoulder to cry on. In fact I have seen some people who nephews/nieces are MORE supportive than some peoples children!!!!! These people tend to be able to live in their homes longer as there is what we call 'community support.'

I do see some of them VERY alone, no family, their POA is a lawyer they have met twice, they have no one to run errands, take them to dr appts or sit with them when they are sick and needing a friendly face. That makes me sad for them. A lot of them end up in nursing homes or assisted living (if they can afford it) because they can no longer drive to get groceries or meds and can't handle a house and the work it requires on their own.

I"m NOT saying children should be had to take care of you when you are older.........I'm just saying that if you chose not to have children, make sure you have someone in your life (or a few someones) you can count on to be there when you need a friendly face or a hand to hold. It can make a BIG difference.

 

[beatlesblonde]

I think everyone who has posted has brought up very valid points for both sides. It really does come down to how sure you are with your decision and not allowing outside influences make you change your mind. DH and I are both childfree and are 100% set in our decision. We both back in school getting our masters degrees and focused on building our careers and finances so that we can travel and (hopefully) retire early. We're more than happy being a great aunt and uncle and eventually having furry babies

 

[Pigeon]

I never had that burning, all consuming desire to have kids that so many women have. Dh and I married young, and I was honest that I might not want them. He always did, but it wasn't a dealbreaker and there was no pressure.

I started to be a little ambivalent when I was 30, and then we decided to get pregnant. Didn't happen--or rather I didn't stay pregnant. We both found infertility treatment surreal and didn't do much of that. We did end up adopting twice.

I love my kids more than I can say. They are terrific and I'm very glad we adopted.

But honestly, I would have been fine either way. I love my kids, but I'm not a woman who loves kids particularly, if that makes any sense. There are pros and cons to having kids, so if you really don't want them, don't have them.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

For quite sometime I thought that I didn't want kids. I loved being with my neice and nephew but was also glad when they went home. I had no desire to be pregnant.
Then, around the time I turned 30, I started feeling like I wanted something more. Because of a medical issue of my then husband's, we began looking at adoption.
In 2007, my 20 month old son came home. Adopting him was the single most life changing thing in my life. For me, I truly did not know the meaning of instant, unconditional love until I picked that little boy up in my arms. It was then that I truly realized that it wasn't that I didn't want a child, I was just waiting until my child and I found each other.
Only you can know what is truly in your heart. But I know for me, my heart changed and being a mom is the best thing in the world. Even now, as a single mom, it is still an amazing journey. Yes. it is hard sometimes and no my time is not all my own but the rewards, for me, are so much greater.

 

[pearlieq]

I"m NOT saying children should be had to take care of you when you are older.........I'm just saying that if you chose not to have children, make sure you have someone in your life (or a few someones) you can count on to be there when you need a friendly face or a hand to hold. It can make a BIG difference.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, especially since watching my mom's health decline to the point where she needs full-time care.

I'm about 95% sure DH and I will remain childfree, for various reasons. Mostly, it's just a gut feeling that it's not for me. I love kids, and know many of them that are very dear to me, but even when I spend time with them, it feels like "It's a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live there".

We haven't done anything permanent yet, mostly because there isn't really any rush.

I have been thinking a lot about what I'll do when I get old and need help. That DEFINITELY isn't a reason to have a kid (if you met my brother, you'd know that for sure) but it's definitely something that childfree people need to pay special attention to. We have detailed plans in place and have taken pains to get our paperwork in order, just in case.

Of the people I know, the childfree people are quite content. The childless people are still happy, but have more wistfulness around the issue, which is to be expected, of course.

 

[MrsPete]

You mentioned expressing your love for someone else by having a baby with that person, I felt the opposite.
I love my husband so much that I never wanted anyone else in my life who would over ride that love, and that's exactly what a child would do.

Even if I don't agree with them, I can understand most of the "no children" arguments . . . but not this one.

Having a child adds a whole new dimension to a marriage. Seeing a man who's always the strong, silent type cuddle with his newborn . . . seeing him pull cushions off the sofa to make a pillows-and-blanket tent for a toddler . . . watching him patiently help a school-aged child with math . . . it makes you love him more. Raising a child will take up your time and money, but it cannot take away your feelings for your husband.

And we don't have a limited amount of love -- there's no need to be concerned about sharing it between a husband and a child. Just as you can love both of your parents and your grandparents too, you can love your child without diminishing your love for your husband in the least.

If fear of putting your husband second is the ONLY reason you're considering not having children, consider whether that's something that's going to really happen.

 

[LoveDisney!!!]

I had my tubes tied at 26 and never regretted it. I'm 33 now. It was a financial decision and a very good one. My fiance could care less.

I just have to ask what you mean by a financial decision. Was it because you thought you could never afford kids?

I know people opt not to have kids because of money, but I have never heard of someone doing something so permanant. If you are happy with your choice, great. I was just curious on the thought process behind it.



I didn't think I wanted kids for the longest time. Then, we started talking about "someday" having one. It wasn't until friends of ours had a baby that we really decided we wanted one. Now, I love being a mom!

 

[LoraJ]

When I was younger, I really wanted children. Three of them. Once I hit my mid-30's and I wasn't married, that all stated to change. DH is not into kids at all. So I knew marrying him that I would probably never have one. And now, I just do not think I have the energy for one, or the patience. I also do not think my anxiety could handle it.

If I had stayed in Ohio instead of moving to NYC at age 19, I have a feeling I would have married younger and had a family. But I am happy with my life and DH. I cannot dwell on the what ifs.

Sometimes I do worry about dying alone. I have a nephew that I spoil. I do not want to be a burden on him, but I hope maybe he can be sure that I am in a nice place if my mind goes.

 

[MrsPete]

I just have to ask what you mean by a financial decision. Was it because you thought you could never afford kids?

Earlier I wrote about a time in college when I -- mainly because of a boyfriend -- went through an "I'm not going to have kids" phase.

For me, money was the biggest reason I was leaning towards NOT having kids. I was raised without many things -- and I'm not talking about not getting a car of my own when I turned 16 and not getting a trip to the beach for graduation; rather, I'm talking about rationing shoes, waiting for eyeglasses, and wearing yard-sale purchased too-short jeans to school. We did without necessities. College was very hard for me financially, and at that point I was sick and tired of being broke and doing without. Literally, there were times in college when I went hungry. At that point, I couldn't see that I'd ever be comfortable financially. I couldn't see that I'd ever have "enough" to get out of the hole I was in, much less raise children -- and I didn't want to raise a child without being able to do it in middle-class fashion. At that point, I saw children as a sacrafice I wasn't willing to make.

Things didn't get better immediately after graduation. I got married fairly quickly, and we were on a shoe string budget. I went back to school for a second degree. We had everything we needed, and we were saving -- but there was no extra money. We had two children (when I was 27 and 31), and although we had no trouble providing the necessities, we never had a surplus.

Then suddenly -- I'd say between ages 30 and 33 -- our hard work and good decisions started to pay off financially. We'd moved beyond entry-level pay, we'd avoided debt, and suddenly we had extra money for vacations and nice things that we wanted. We began to treat ourselves a little, but we still kept a great deal of that shoestring budget in place. At that age, we started to feel comfortable . . . and we became debt-free AND had our kids' college money saved just before I turned 40.

I don't think this scenerio is uncommon.

My point: If money is your ONLY REASON for not wanting kids, don't make that decision while you're in your 20s. I think MANY PEOPLE "just make it" in their 20s, but their good decisions don't become apparent until they're a little older.


On the other hand, thinking back to that college boyfriend . . . though he never admitted it, I think that his main reasons for not wanting kids came from his parents' super-nasty divorce and the awful things that it put him (and his sister) through. He had terrible commitment-phobia, and I think that extended into children. I think he didn't think he could commit himself to a child for a lifetime. So his desire to have no children had NOTHING to do with money.

 

[freckles and boo]

Even if I don't agree with them, I can understand most of the "no children" arguments . . . but not this one.

Having a child adds a whole new dimension to a marriage. Seeing a man who's always the strong, silent type cuddle with his newborn . . . seeing him pull cushions off the sofa to make a pillows-and-blanket tent for a toddler . . . watching him patiently help a school-aged child with math . . . it makes you love him more. Raising a child will take up your time and money, but it cannot take away your feelings for your husband.

And we don't have a limited amount of love -- there's no need to be concerned about sharing it between a husband and a child. Just as you can love both of your parents and your grandparents too, you can love your child without diminishing your love for your husband in the least.

If fear of putting your husband second is the ONLY reason you're considering not having children, consider whether that's something that's going to really happen.

This is true IF you have chosen a good partner. If I only had one piece of advice to give anyone, man or woman, it would be to be very careful about who you make babies with. I am very, very fortunate. My husband is exactly as you described above. I feel the love even more when he is making cupcakes with our daughters or tossing them off the end of the pier (which makes them squeal with happiness) or snuggling on the couch with them. They can't "over-ride" my love for him because they are a result of it. However, I know enough people who don't have good partners or partners who cowardly walk away when the needs of the children must be put first. Diapers do have to be changed. Homework does have to been done. We have good friends who recognize that they don't want to make those accommodations in their marriage and I believe they have made the right choice in not having kids. They love my kids and spoil them rotten then go home to their dogs and spoil them, too. I would rather people have that kind of self-awareness before they make babies.

 

[Tam1067]

I was terrified to have kids because I did not want to be like the parents I had. My brother also was terrified to have kids and almost divorced his wife because of that issue--again because he did not want to be like our dad (long story there).

But I am so glad that I did (though I hated being pregnant). Even though I'm tired and the kids drive me crazy, I'm very glad that I had these three kids of mine. My brother also has two kids and is glad he did. I'm also glad that my brother and I have both avoided the patterns our parents followed, and we are not making the same mistakes they did.

One of the problems is that at least in my situation, I never felt "ready" and actually only started being serious about trying because I knew DH really wanted kids and that time was not on my side if I continued to wait.

Of course, if you're sure you don't want kids, then you should not have them, but I think sometimes fear of the unknown makes us hesitate to take the plunge.

 

[Gigi22]

We are both in our mid-50s, married for 25 years, no kids--and no regrets. DH was the oldest in a family of 8 kids. I am the oldest in a much smaller family. DH had more than enough of changing diapers way before we ever met! He lost a large part of his own childhood working really hard to help his parents raise the younger children in their family. I was never interested in kids because of my parents' marriage--my mother told me on numerous occasions that she was "trapped" into staying with dad.

 

[Disney Doll]

I was another who always knew I wanted children. But that's me. You are you! It is a decision only you can make. I have a friend who says she will never have a child of her own....mainly because she knows there are plenty of children out there who need a mom...so why have another child when she can be a 'needed' mom. She hears no clock ticking, because at 32, she still has plenty of time to adopt.

I see many older people (as a visiting nurse) who never married or never had children. Some tell my why (medical reasons, chose not to) and others don't. I tend not to ask, as it is none of my beeswax!

Some that I see have nieces or nephews who are involved in their care, or a friend or few friends they can count on to help out or be a shoulder to cry on. In fact I have seen some people who nephews/nieces are MORE supportive than some peoples children!!!!! These people tend to be able to live in their homes longer as there is what we call 'community support.'

I do see some of them VERY alone, no family, their POA is a lawyer they have met twice, they have no one to run errands, take them to dr appts or sit with them when they are sick and needing a friendly face. That makes me sad for them. A lot of them end up in nursing homes or assisted living (if they can afford it) because they can no longer drive to get groceries or meds and can't handle a house and the work it requires on their own.

I"m NOT saying children should be had to take care of you when you are older.........I'm just saying that if you chose not to have children, make sure you have someone in your life (or a few someones) you can count on to be there when you need a friendly face or a hand to hold. It can make a BIG difference.

I understand what you are saying in principle, but I will tell you that as a nurse at an acute care hospital, I have seen many elderly patients who have children whose children do not give a hoot about them.

 

[starann]

I understand what you are saying in principle, but I will tell you that as a nurse at an acute care hospital, I have seen many elderly patients who have children whose children do not give a hoot about them.

I see a ton of that too.....and as a new nurse I couldn't understand how these people had such 'horrible children' who wouldn't be there for them as they got older........ Heck I had my grandmother move in with my husband and I and our children age 2 and 9 months (boy did I have my hands full! but I would give almost anything to have her back with us). Now as time has gone on and I have had some family issues of my own, I understand it is not always 'horrible children'. Sometimes the parents are the horrible ones.

 

[Witherbark]

I am childfree and absolutely sure of my decision - but I'm me and you are you! I, too, have gotten the comments that Ember (I think?) mentioned, such as "you'll regret it" and "give it time, you'll change your mind." But I have felt this way since I can remember, as a small child I was even annoyed at myself. And at 34, I can't imagine changing my mind. It doesn't mean I don't find babies cute or enjoy an afternoon with my niece. But I never look at a child and feel a pang. There are great parents out there doing a great job, and thank God for them! Their kids are going to be my nurses when I'm a little old woman in the care home.

 

[ahutton]

Lots of great perspective in the posts here.

I will add... Is there any decision in life that is a "life changing" decision where you do NOT sit back and wonder what would it be like if you had made a different choice? I don't think there is. I believe at some point there is an ounce of meloncholy that makes you wonder.

I had a deep desire to be Mom, but while I would never trade my life, I have wondered at some difficult times what if we had made a different choice. That is true about the many difficult decisions DH and I have made over the years. And I truly believe that happiness in life comes from being content with the results of the decisions you make, because there is often not a right or wrong choice. Just a choice you make, and the joy you find on the path you follow.

 

[simba928]

Wow, I am so glad there are so many accepting people. I am 20 and am absolutely sure I do not want kids, ever. I get a lot of "you're young, you'll feel differently in a few years." and "Oh, you'll change you're mind." I'm one of those people that, when I know what I want, that's it. I make up my mind and there is not changing it. My mom has finally gotten to the point of accepting that I will never have kids. She has a friend that has a baby and she was once in a mall, holding the kid and a stranger came up to her and asked her how old her granddaughter was. I now tell my mom that she has to enjoy that granddaughter because she's not getting any from me unless she's willing to accept my dog as a grandchild.

I went shopping a few months ago with my aunt, my cousin, and my mom and somehow the topic of kids came up. My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me, were joking around and I said something about no kids for me. My aunt said that I would change my mind someday. She said "Someday you'll come to me and say 'look at my baby, Auntie! Isn't she cute?'" I told her that will never happen. My cousin and my mom agreed and my aunt and mom even made a bet about it.

A family friend, who never wanted a kid but ended up having one, once told me that having a kid was the best thing she's ever done and I really should have a kid because it's so awesome and so that my mom can have a grandkid. I'm sure it is awesome...to people that want them. I don't.

I know I will never have kids. I enjoy being on my own and doing what I want to do when I want to do it. I tell my mom everytime I'm around my 2 youngest cousins (I'm the oldest of 7 grandkids on my moms side) or around a family friend's daughter that me being around them is awesome birth control. I love them dearly, but small doses is more than enough for me.

 

[bicker]

Does anyone who decided not to have children regret their decision?

No us.

I'm specifically asking someone in their 40's and later, but anyone can answer!

47 and 56 -- that later enough for yah?

If you didn't have any, do you regret it? If so, why? If you don't, why?

It's kind of like asking why you don't regret switching to a different religion.

Beyond that... regrets are without merit, and toxic.

Topic is because of an interesting dinner conversation! Surprising opinions from those with children and those without.

I've found that people who have had children have a lot more regret over the fact that others haven't, of their own accord, than those who haven't.