Perpetuating the dysfunction...another vent about family

[IwasatWDWforamonth]

Jackskellingtonsgirl, there's a movie I think you'd really enjoyand it can really help. It made a huge difference in my life. It's called "Drop Dead Fred". Fabulous movie, and it really helps with this kind of situation.

I love that movie

 

[IwasatWDWforamonth]

I can really understand how you feel,
My situation is slightly different, to make a really long story short and its a really long twisted story that belongs on a talk show
I had to deal with my dad drinking and being hit.
A few years ago my dad left my mom , my mom thought he was just taking care of my grandma, till one day a mistake phone call was made that left a message of him and another woman on the machine.
Within a month my dad bought my mom a new town car, but still didnt want much to do with us. He gives us money and nice presents, but we are NOT allowed to go to his new house, my grandma aunts AND cousins all come to see him in fact one cousin lived with him for months in florida while they got help to rebuild my grandmas house.
It makes me feel so bad, my parents are still married. I would love to be closer to my dad but its hard when he doesnt want you to know anything about his secret life,,, ive even started to wonder if im not an only child anymore

 

[tar heel]

Alcoholism IS a disease, but it doesn't make someone beat the crap out of his wife and children.

 

[OceanAnnie]

A lot of sad things on this thread.

Micki7337, I'm sorry about your diagnosis. I hope the treatment will take care of it swiftly. I also hope you have lots of support. Sometimes people surprise you. People you didn't know you could count on come through in a crisis. People that you see everyday. Whatever you decide (calling your mother or not) I hope it is the best for you.

OP, I understand your stance. Your mother and family should back off once they know how you feel. Lots of things are intertwined and it's not helpful to be pushed.

OT On Alcoholism: I read where some people refer to A as an illness...I have some issues with this...my DH's Parents (both) were absolutely unbelievable horrid alcoholics. I mean they drank his entire life. Then I met DH and we started dating and I was BLOWN AWAY at this behavior. I never saw it in my life and I was NOT putting up with it. This drinking and falling all over the place and foul language....NOT HAPPENING. When we got engaged I said NO CHILDREN of mine will be subject to that drinking of your parents. All along DH says to me: it is an ILLNESS....
I HAVE TROUBLE WITH THAT: ILLNESS!!! I say to DH, let me get this straight...when they are sober, they pick up their car keys, get in their car, drive to the package store, drive back home, go inside the house, sit down, take the lid of their GIN and drink it.....WHERE IS THE ILLNESS???? THEY ARE CHOOSING THIS BEHAVIOR. A person with CANCER, which in my OPINION is an ILLNESS, did NOT choose that for themselves. I need help in seeing this as an illness.

momrek06, I understand your POV. I have some trouble with alcoholism being a "disease" too. (Not that my opinion is going to change the medical community or anything.) I think of it as a weakness of sorts. I think some people use alcohol for different reasons (coping, social aspects, relaxing, etc.) and it spins out of control. It changes from a want to a need. One can argue the change is chemical or mental. I'm sure it's a little of both. The long term effects of alcohol on the body certainly effect a disease process.

***Qualifier***

I won't argue that it is a disease. I can somewhat understand that POV too. I know it is recognized as a disease. My opinion is not meant to be offensive. It's just my opinion from my experienced observation. I'm sure others have an entirely different POV.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Isn't "Drop Dead Fred" the movie with Phoebe Cates where she has her imaginary friend from childhood pop back up when she's an adult? I know I've seen it before, but I don't think I have seen the whole thing. Perhaps it is worth a trip to the video store!

Alcoholism is tricky. Addiction in general is tricky. At one point several years ago he admitted he is an alcoholic but he wasn't planning to do anything about it at the time. Why bother to admit it if you have no plans to change? He can see that his drinking is out of control, but he has NEVER said that screaming at my mother and calling her names and treating her like a possession instead of a person is wrong. So slurping down a case of beer every day is bad (but not so bad that it needs to stop), but treating your spouse like a slave is perfectly acceptable. Right.

 

[sammi]

I understand completely what you're going through. My father was the exact same way and I had no contact with him for many years and then one day out of the blue he called and told me he was dying of throat cancer. I didn't know what to say or do as all of my immediate family ....meaning Mother Grandmother were all gone years before him and I had no wish to communicate with him at all as I blamed him for my Mother's young death at the age of 56 (long story) so he passed away just months after that and although the hurt that he caused me all through my childhood and adulthood remain I also have this "thing" where I feel I should have been there for him.......but I just couldn't.

It's a very sad situation and I can really empathize with you as what happens in your childhood really stays with you into adulthood and in fact the hurt can get worse as you age.......good luck.

 

[slk537]

You are a very strong person and should be tremendously proud of yourself.

 

[MrsPete]

But he CHOSE not to get help. And he is ultimately responsible for ALL his life choices and the consequences thereof, disease or no disease.

Yep. He's responsible for his choices; we can't fall back on "oh, he couldn't do any better". I know for a fact that my father CHOSE alcohol over my mother, my brothers, and me. I'm glad I got to see him again as an adult so I'd see the truth through adult eyes, but that doesn't mean that everything was made hunky-dory and I said, "Gee, Dad, all that abuse is okay now." Not by a long shot.

I'm iffy on the whole alcoholism is a disease concept. Yes, it's a sickness, but it's a VOLUNTARY sickness. I know for absolute certain that I have the genetic disposition to become an alcoholic; however, I CHOOSE not go down that road. The last time I had a drink was on our cruise two years ago.

 

[MrsPete]

My grandmother (my father's mother) was also an alcoholic. She would get drunk and drive over to our house - THAT was always interesting. One time she got in our pool, fully clothed, and proceeded to take out her prosthetic breast and wave it around over her head in front of a bunch of our neighbors. Never a dull moment!

Yeah, I had one of those grandmothers too. My personal favorite was when she'd wake up hung over, and she'd make jello to calm down her stomach. No, I don't mean she'd put it in a bowl. I mean she'd mix up a packet with a cup of hot water, drink it, then drink a glass of cold water.

Even as a child I knew that it wasn't "gelling" in her warm stomach, but she swore it did.

 

[momrek06]

I'm iffy on the whole alcoholism is a disease concept. Yes, it's a sickness, but it's a VOLUNTARY sickness. I know for absolute certain that I have the genetic disposition to become an alcoholic; however, I CHOOSE not go down that road. The last time I had a drink was on our cruise two years ago.

MRSPETE: I will go to my grave NOT seeing Alcoholism as a DISEASE..NOPE not happening with me at all. As I POSTED earlier, the behavior of my in-laws to MAKE THIS THEIR LIFE CHOICE does NOT I repeat does NOT fall into the DISEASE category, it falls in to THEM making this their LIFES CHOICE = to make sure that they are stocked up on GIN 24/7!!!
Oh, don't get me wrong there were many times that NO alcohol was involved and they were actually quite pleasant but those times I can count on ONE hand. The drinking choice that they made turned them into ANIMALS. My FIL would SWEAR and be so incredibly RUDE and my MIL would just cry and cry and cry and the two of them together made for TWO COMPLETE MESSES.
TODAY if my DH was a little boy living with them HE would have been REMOVED from that house by CHILD SOCIAL SERVICES. NO they never beat him BUT they NEGLECTED him completely. DH saw the disfunction so early that he choose to read and read and read 24/7, and DH is a graduate of HARVARD UNIVERSITY....yup, this child who grew up poor and two horribly neglectful parents went to Harvard and he is very unsuccessful today.
One time, DH (age 7) and parents were returning from some party and they were so drunk they drove OFF the road into a DITCH. Parents passed out and slumped over while DH (age 7) SAT all night in that car in that ditch watching and wondering what would happen....his parents awoke in the morning and just drove HOME....ISN'T that HORRIBLE!!!!!!!! SHEEEESH!!!!!
DH wondered as you do about the "genetics" of all of this and CHOOSE 15 years ago to NEVER drink and he has been true to that to this day.
BOTTOMLINE: ALCOHOLISM is a CHOICE...period!!! CANCER is a DISEASE that is NOT a choice....period!! No one can possibly tell me that cancer and alcoholism are the SAME and that is a disease NOPE!!!
Sorry to all who read this but I saw this alcoholism upclose and personal and I struggled with it daily as my DH would totally support me and understand my thoughts and opinions......THEY WERE STILL HIS PARENTS!!! SO many days he seemed so torn by all this !