PD For A Smooth Adoption!! SAD UPDATE~

[Chicago526]

Did your friend pay for any of the BM's care during the pregnancy? Could it be that the BM just wanted the extra cash and never intended to give the baby up? If that's the case, they may have a case to sue and get the money back, they may want to contact a lawyer about it.

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

Hugs to your friend. We know exactly how she feels. We had to experience the grief of a failed adoption this year, too. After months of bonding w/ us and us with her and about a month before her due date, she decided that she wanted to keep the baby. We were devastated!

I know that there is a reason, and that this baby just may not be the one for her...but this bm allowed her and her husband to get sooooo close this weekend only to yank it away..I just don't get it!

I don't get it either. And being the would be adoptive family you feel so damn helpless!! You really sometimes feel like you have no advocate on your side. And if it wasn't bad enough hearing the BM say that she couldn't go through with it in our case our good for nothing case worker says to BM in our presence, "Just remember even if you choose not to place your baby you and I can continue to work together to get the services and help you need to raise the baby, we'll just ignore the (last name here)'s. " She thought she was being an ice breaker but our heart was being ripped out right in front of us!!
Now my DH is ready to give up after that emotional roller coaster.

Please, give your friend my love from someone who knows.

 

[phillybeth]

I'm so sorry for your friend. It is extremely heartbreaking, it actually feels like a loss. This did happen to us the first time around, the birthmom changed her mind.

So sorry this happened to your friend.

This is exactly the reason why, if I ever adopt, I will not adopt domestically. I can't bear the thought of even the slightest possibility of this happening.

 

[Beetle]

We had 2 adoption matches fail before we met our daughter's birthmom (daughter, Stephanie turned 5 this past July!). Both of those failed attempts were completely heartbreaking. Please let your friend know thoughts and prayers are with her, KEEP LOOKING and don't give up.

 

[RUDisney]

FTLOD and Beth, if you ever have any questions about or consider adopting from Russia, I'm happy to answer any of your questions. My DH sits on the Board of the agency we used because we believe in what they are doing and how they are doing their job of bringing families together. There are 6 families who are in Russia now and 2 more who will arrive this week, according to our translator, who became our friend, in Moscow.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

I don't think that my friend paid for anything..not at this point...and it isn't like the mom has changed her mind..she just decided to name the father...I was afraid that if the adoption went through, he would find out and take the baby..I guess it is better now than after 3 or 4 years like that baby Jessica(?)

I don't know if the bm had an agenda...almost makes me think she is trying to get the guy, but I can't figure it all out. I really hope that he comes to his senses..my friend was going for an open adoption, so I am sure she wouldn't be opposed to the father having a part of the baby, but she has sooooo many more resources to raise this baby...she is a ped RN...

thanks for all your prayers...I hope that something will happen soon for her..she is sooooo totally beside herself!

 

[barkley]

even if this guy does not turn out to be the bio dad i would hesitate to move forward with this. there have just been far too many situations wherein the bio mom claims the father is unknown, and then months or years later it is learned that the bio dad was known and never aware of the child's existance. the bio dad never terminated thieir rights and you end up with a nightmarish custody ordeal.

i have friends who endured the heartbreak of taking the pregnant girl into their home and supporting her emotionaly and financialy for the bulk of the pregnancy-only to have her come to the sudden "revelation" about the father was and deciding to "make a go at being a family with him" (it became apparant after the fact that she knew all along and that it was planned in order to enable her to not have to work/be supported during her pregnancy-sure they could have sued, but bio mom/dad had nothing and probably never will). this was an open adoption handled by a church agency that thought they had excellent screening in place they did end up adopting a little guy through another agency, but sadly they are now dealing with behavioural, health and learning issues that the doctor's believe is due to fetal alcohol syndrome (not apparant at birth, and never disclosed to the adoptive parents).

i believe you must realy search out agencies that put every protective mechanism in place for everyone concerned.

 

[chrissyk]

This is exactly the reason why, if I ever adopt, I will not adopt domestically. I can't bear the thought of even the slightest possibility of this happening.

Same here.

 

[Blondie]

Ack, I see this happen so often you wouldn't believe it. Then there are the few cases where a baby will remain in the nursery for several days before case management can find an adoption firm to come and pick up the baby. Doesn't make any sense does it?

I'll keep your friends in my prayers, I know how devastated they must be.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

I don't think that my friend paid for anything..not at this point...and it isn't like the mom has changed her mind..she just decided to name the father...I was afraid that if the adoption went through, he would find out and take the baby..I guess it is better now than after 3 or 4 years like that baby Jessica(?)

Yes, definitely better now than later. The mom named the father before signing the papers, and even if it were she who changed her mind, it would have been completely within her rights. IMO, she should not be expected to make such a life-changing decision before she even knows what it's like to hold her baby in her arms. It's heartbreaking for the prospective adoptive parents, that's for sure, but it's this way for a reason.

Big hugs to your friends. We adopted domestically, too, and while we never experienced a loss like this, we do know how hard it is to wait and to worry whether the parents will go through with it. Once that adoption is finalized, though, it's all worth it! I hope your friends get their baby soon.

 

[zagafi]

I am so sorry for your friend. Remind her that just because this didn't turn out to be the "right" child for her, there is one out there that is meant to be with her.

This is exactly the reason why we went to Russia for our kids... their parental rights were already terminated and there is no way that anyone could ever come back to us to reclaim the children once the adoption was final.

There is a special place in hell for people who play with others' emotions.

As heartrending as it is, the adoption in this case was hardly "final". This is how misinformation about domestic adoption gets spread, and it irks me. Once an adoption is *final*, barring proof of fraud or duress, they are just that--final.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

but if the father wasn't known, and say 3 years later, found out...he could have come for the baby...final or not.

Like I said, I am glad this was found now rather than years from now...Ideally, having both parents sign off would be my preferred case, but I don't know how often that happens

 

[AnaheimGirl]

As heartrending as it is, the adoption in this case was hardly "final". This is how misinformation about domestic adoption gets spread, and it irks me. Once an adoption is *final*, barring proof of fraud or duress, they are just that--final.

Yea, it irks me, too. What a lot of people don't realize is that in those Baby Richard cases, the adoptions were never final. The adoptive parents were supposed to return the babies when they were still babies. It was their own choice to fight it, that resulted in the handover happening at such a late age.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

but if the father wasn't known, and say 3 years later, found out...he could have come for the baby...final or not.

Like I said, I am glad this was found now rather than years from now...Ideally, having both parents sign off would be my preferred case, but I don't know how often that happens

That would depend on the state and it's laws regarding termination of paternal rights when the father is unknown. In my state, a notice gets published in the paper and if the father doesn't come forward within 30 days, his rights are terminated for good.

I believe most states have similar rules. They really do want the baby to have a stable home and don't want this to happen.

Again, I'm sorry for your friends. I don't want to turn this into a debate, I know you came here for support.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

what would have happen if she continued to say she didn't remember?? If she had no name, what would they have published??
this never sat right with me, thus the reason I started the original thread..I really wanted to believe that it would work out.

 

[susan1]

hi
it made my blood run cold, here in the u.k. you are given the baby and the mother has 3 months to decide if she wants to go ahead. i don't know what i would have done if she had changed her mind. my heart goes out to her.

 

[Chicago526]

I don't think that my friend paid for anything..not at this point...and it isn't like the mom has changed her mind..she just decided to name the father...I was afraid that if the adoption went through, he would find out and take the baby..I guess it is better now than after 3 or 4 years like that baby Jessica(?)

I don't know if the bm had an agenda...almost makes me think she is trying to get the guy, but I can't figure it all out. I really hope that he comes to his senses..my friend was going for an open adoption, so I am sure she wouldn't be opposed to the father having a part of the baby, but she has sooooo many more resources to raise this baby...she is a ped RN...

thanks for all your prayers...I hope that something will happen soon for her..she is sooooo totally beside herself!

Well, I'm glad they aren't out thousands of $$$ on top of the hearbreak of the adoption not going through, talk about insult to injury!

We should remember too, to look at it from the father's point of view. A girlfriend gets pregnant and never tells the father, goes off and gives the baby up, and he finds out later what happened. If he had known all along, he would have claimed his rights and the child never would have been given up to begin with. It's not fair to the father to say "sorry, you're out of luck" when all this happened through no fault of his own.

Hopefully this will all work out for the best. I'm sorry for your friend!

 

[AnaheimGirl]

what would have happen if she continued to say she didn't remember?? If she had no name, what would they have published??
this never sat right with me, thus the reason I started the original thread..I really wanted to believe that it would work out.

I believe the notice would have addressed "possible fathers" and included the mother's name and the date of the baby's birth. Men would have to count back 9 months to determine whether they might be the father.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

ah...ok'

She just updated me...the mother is taking the baby home till the paternity test is done..I think she isn't giving this baby up...I don't know what she gained in this, but she seems to have planned this all

 

[chobie]

I think its a reasonable assumption than a birth mother might change her mind after the baby is born. I don't think I could ever give a baby up even if I was single and poor. However, both my babies were planned so I really don't know what I would do. It's hard on both the birth mother and the prospective parents.