Paying for your college student

[Lesli54]

Recently, DD19 moved back home from her 4 year college. She needed to leave before the end of the semester due to some personal problems and an illness which put her way behind in her classes. Withdrawing actually "preserved" her GPA rather than drag it down had she finished the semester. Her intent was to go back when school starts up in January. No problem, we would help her get back on her feet so she could start back fresh.

I am thrilled with the progress she has made since being home. She is working at a job that she can transfer back to her college town, she bought her own car (used) with money she had saved specifically for that purpose, and it seemed that her goals were basically in tact still and she was beginnig to come out of her depression. It looked like she would be ready to return to school in a few weeks, in fact she has her classes set up and her dorm room. So far so good.

About a week and a half before Christmas, she stayed out all night and didn't call until 2pm the next day. (very much out of character for her.) We worried because we didn't know where she was or with whom she might be with. Didn't know if the new car gave her problems, didn't know if she was safe, so we called the local police to begin searching for her. After she called home, she was upset to find that we were looking for her. She came home and packed a bag, said she could take care of herself and doesn't need our help, says that we don't need to know what is going on in her life, etc. We didn't know where she was for over a week. Then we find out that she is living with this guy that she just met a few weeks prior. Mind you in a few weeks, she will not be living with him when she goes to school becuase it is a few hours away. So why move out a month before returning?

A few days before Christmas, we met and talked with her. She said that she wanted to come back home and work things out before returning back to school in a few weeks. We said fine and that we would still help her through school if she came back. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, she was here at the house with the new boyfriend, who seems to be pleasant, thankfully. Yesterday, she calls and says that she doesn't want to move back home, but she wants us to still pay for college.

DH says that if she is 100% on her own, then she sould pay for it herself. Of course this means that she will have to put it off for at least a semester and work to earn the money as we make too much for her to recieve grants. I want to see her get her education, but I am torn as to wether I should continue to pay it under these circumstances. DD19 thinks that since we paid for college while she was in the dorms and doing as she pleased that we should pay for college now regardless of where and how she is living. She feels that since she plans to pay us back for college that we are not really "paying" for it and so the decisions are hers. However, in the meantime, it is our money that is being used for this expense, not hers. It could take 10 years or more for her to pay anything back so to speak, if she does. So we feel that we definitely have some say in this.

Where is the fine line between parents paying for college and the student paying for college? DH paid for his own and he had to leave for a few years to save the money to finish, but he did finish with his Bachelors. I went college 8 years after high school to get my Associates (paid by grants) while raising children, then returned about 6 years later to get my Bachelors (paid by me).

Added to this mix is DD17 who is most definitely watching closely to see what we do, because that will set the stage for her when she graduates. We have 2 other children, but they are much younger and don't understand, although we will have to have the same standards for them as well when they reach this point.

Any advice or similar circumstances that you guys can share?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Listen to your DH...your dd needs time to grow up. She is obviously going thru "something". The fact she had to withdraw is your clue.

I would not put my dd back into college after withdrawing and then moving out under protest.....and then demanding you pay...

 

[hentob]

Yesterday, she calls and says that she doesn't want to move back home, but she wants us to still pay for college.

How nice of her

Nope. I wouldn't do it. She moved in with a man she didn't know very well. She didn't respect you enough to contact you for over a week and let you know she was ok

This is not good.

She needs to get her act together. She seems to be slipping to a scary place.

I agree with your DH 100%

 

[Tiggeroo]

hugs to you. I have a similar situation. I have a son who became seriously depressed and had anxiety attacks this past semester at school. I was trying to deal with it from here but when I saw him on Thanksgiving he looked so bad I sort of insisted he come home. He was apparently spending weeks at a time doing nothing but sleeping in his room.
Now he's home, has no money left as he used it to pay for the past semester and living expenses. He's going to be going to CC and will need alot of financial help. He doesn't have a car but we will help him to get one in another week or two. Until then he will have no luck getting a job as we are a shore town with nearly everything closed til spring.
I've gone fairly easy on him about rules since he was home. He, like your dd is used to being able to do whatever he wants when he wants. He's 19 so not a kid. The only rules I've put in place is tell me the time you will be home and where you are going, call if you'll be late. Work pt and go to school full time. Get to your therapy appts. and deal with your responsibilities.
This alone has been very difficult for him as he's not really out of the depression. If I let him he'd sleep all day. And no dr's can see him til after the holidays.
As to your problem, bring your dd home for lunch. Tell her you are concerned about her and feel she needs at least a semester at home to recover. Explain how tough it will be for her financially on her own right now. Tell her you can't afford to help her live away from home as well as tuition. And also, you are uncomfortable helping her pay for a bad choice. Then give her the rules there would be at home and make them as lenient as possible, focusing on safety, responsibility and getting through school.
I've found when the college kids come home it's hard on everybody. As parents we don't really relax until they are in for the night. When they were living on campus we didn't know that they always went out at midnight and came home at 4am. And pretty much all college kids do this.
My concern with my son was that clearly he wasn't dealing with his depression issues on his own. At home I can at least make sure he's getting to his appointments and monitor things if he needs to take meds to see if he gets worst. The way I see it with college kids you have just a little bit of time to exert practical influence. By holding the purse strings a bit you can nudge them into doing the right thing. In a couple years when they've grown up a bit they'll do it on their own, hopefully. While I might be a bit tolerant of late nights and some safe partying I wouldn't pay for my kids to do things that are bad for them or strongly against my values, such as living with a bf or gf.

 

[Sandy V.]

Sounds like you've got a 19-year old who wants to call the shots. I'd say "No".

DH is right; once she's out on her own, your DD may "come around" and see that Mom and Dad aren't so bad. There is nothing wrong with you agreeing to pay for some (or all) of her college expenses, provided she follows any parameters you set. And if she doesn't want to live by your rules, then she can work to pay for college. It certainly won't kill her!! She'll grow up in record time this way.

Good luck; I've got a 19-year old college freshman myself, and we butted heads already over Christmas vacation over our insistence that she take at least 15 credit hours per semester, unless there were certain exceptions. DD would rather do things at a more "leisurely" pace and we're not paying for a country-club college experience when she clearly has the ability to take a "typical" college load.

 

[NMAmy]

Could you clarify something for me? When she goes back to college, would she be living in the dorm or living with her boyfriend?

 

[Lesli54]

She would be living in the dorm when she goes back. Unless the bf moves down that way during the summer and after he get back from some military training in May, they really won't be together once she goes back to school. At least not that I can see.

 

[Tiggeroo]

yeah i realized i misunderstood too. Because she is acting so unstable I might insist she do a semester at home and prove herself. But if she is going to go back to school and live on campus but is insisting on living with the bf in the meantime I'm not sure what I'd do. I've told my kids if they want to live with a bf/gf that makes them adults and i'm no longer financially responsible for them. But i've never had to confront this so I'm not sure if I could follow thru on it. One of the most important things to me is the college degree.
But she was depressed. How do you know she got the help she needed? How do you know she's got the tools to fix her grades this semester? Letting her go back to an away school before you are sure of these things could be a very expensive lesson. Plus you can only withdraw one semester at most schools.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with Tiggeroo.

I would sit down with DD and explain that you are concerned for her. When she didn't come home late at night and/or call, you were concerned that she could have been injured. And moving in with a man DD just met shows a lack of judgement... yes, he might be a good man.. or he might be abusive... but she hasn't known him long enough to know what he's like.

And, although you want to be supportive, paying for DD's college when she hasn't demonstrated that she's settled the issues that caused her to withdraw from her last semester doesn't make a lot of sense. If I were you, I would offer to pay for DD to take classes at a local CC. If she does well there, then you could pay for classes at a university next year. Make certain that DD understands the conditions of your paying for any classes (attendance at classes, adequate grades, living at home, repayment of costs, whatever your conditions are).

There are a lot of kids who are 18, 19, 20 who aren't ready to head off to a 4-year university and/or be on their own.

Good Luck!

 

[Maleficent13]

Based on what you have posted, there is no way I'd be paying for her college. She wants to be a big girl, she needs to have at it. The fact that your 17yo is watching with interest would only reinforce my decision.

And believe me, I'm the softy in my family.

ETA: my post was way harsh. I did not consider her illness/depression. I still would not pay for her to go away to college at this point but I agree with the others that perhaps there is more here and she needs some help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The attitude she has is just "weird".... Demanding you pay?
You said she had to withdraw and has depression and an illness?

Something is just not right here...

 

[Lanshark]

Tough situation. One part of me would say, "If you want to be totally on your own then you can pay for your own education". The other part would say,"I don't care where you're living as long as you get back into school and get the degree".

On what terms would you and DH continue paying for her education?

 

[MyGoofy26]

Where is the fine line between parents paying for college and the student paying for college? DH paid for his own and he had to leave for a few years to save the money to finish, but he did finish with his Bachelors. I went college 8 years after high school to get my Associates (paid by grants) while raising children, then returned about 6 years later to get my Bachelors (paid by me).

I did the same thing as your DH. It took me awhile since I would skip the occasional semester to save money (and/or pay off some bills before they got too much) or switch between part time and full time, depending on cash flow at the time, but I did it on my own and have two Bachelors. Honestly, even though I have some student loans I am so proud of myself for doing it "on my own" and I think I appreciate it more.

It seems she wants the best of both worlds - she wants to be on her own, but she still wants you to financially support her. Since this is all very last minute, maybe come up with a compromise? Either offer to pay for this one semester but she has to work while going to school so she can start paying after the semester. Or offer to pay under certain conditions - she can't get into any sort of trouble, has to keep grades up, etc. or she either has to go back to the dorms next year or be totally on her own.

There's a definitely difference between living in dorms and living on her own. She may have felt like she could "do as she pleased" but there are still rules, there are still people looking over her, etc. Just because supervision wasn't compeletely obvious doesn't mean it was nonexistant. I'd be a little worried about how she handled being totally on her own with recent behaviour.

 

[Lesli54]

We did sit down with her and explain why we were so worried about her judgement and explained what concerned us about the night she went missing. Our rules were lenient when she was home this time, trying to recognize that she is over 18 and wanting to encourage her to make choices for her life. The rules were simple, she had to work (which she does almost full time), had to let us know her work schedule, so we knew when to make arrangements for the younger children if no one was going to be home, and that she come home every night at a resonable time. I didn't care if she went out to dinner or the movies with friends and didn't ask grilling questions of where she was every time of the day as I do with DD17.

When DD19 was at school, she was getting some counseling for some of the things she was going through, but since she has been home, she hasn't had any. Just using us for a sounding board. The original plan was that she would continue counseling when she went back to school, but the other day, she says that she doesn't need it. I personally think she does and think that she is very confused.

DH says that in his mind, she is unstable, and I can see to some degree where he thinks that. Maybe I just am hoping that she has things a bit more together, but I guess not.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

Sorry, I have no sympathy for her.

I did this kind of crap when I was 18. I went off and got married. I dropped out of a private college my mom was paying for, abandoned my college hopes, and married an abuser.

You know what? My mom let me. It KILLED her to watch me, but she let me. And I'm glad she did. No one could tell me anything different at the time, and I learned my lessons. The hard way of course, but I learned them. When I had to leave him, she let me come back home, but I had to reenroll in college. But because I had dropped out and went and got married when my mom was paying for it... now I had to pay for it.

Now I'm still paying for my college completely. You know, I make it happen. I have bi-polar depression that was completely out of control at the time, but I still refuse to blame the depression for the decisions I made at that age. I blame the age for the decisions I made at that age! When you're 18 and 19, you know everything. You know better than your parents, you know ALL about the world and no one can tell you any different.

No. I don't think you should pay for her college now. She doesn't want to come home, she doesn't want to follow the rules... then she can float her own way. She will only get help when she wants help and she will only go back when she actually wants to go back. My guess is if you paid for it again while these problems are going on... you'll get another withdrawable semester.

Just my

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH says that in his mind, she is unstable, and I can see to some degree where he thinks that. Maybe I just am hoping that she has things a bit more together, but I guess not.

Withdrawing from school is not someone who is "stable". She is having trouble and I think I would work in that area for now.
If she cannot handle that decision, I do not see how she will handle going back to school.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Lesli54]

Tiggeroo, I am glad you posted. It is good to know that there are others that understand first hand some of the feelings in this situation.

Lanshark - You hit the nail on the head as for my feelings. That is why I am so torn.

I am loving all of your responses and I don't feel they are too harsh, they just make me think sometimes of the obvious and sometimes of things I haven't really considered.

She isn't sick any more, that part is over. But I think that mentally, she may still be with struggling with some personal issues that happened while at school last semester. I tried all I could to keep her in and didn't want to see her withdraw. In fact I was willing to go down a few days a week, get a hotel room, and try to provide support as much as possible if she would stay in, but things got to be too much for her, so she withdrew.

Did I mention that her and the bf want to have lunch with us on Friday to "discuss" things? They requested the lunch. I don't have a problem with him personally, just the situation. This lunch wouldn't bother me if we were actually visiting, but I think it will be a "we are defending our relationship and this is why you should still pay for college". That part I am uncomfortable with. Part of me is thinking of canceling lunch, but I don't want to alienate my daughter completely and I do want to keep as much communication as possible.

DD17 watching is really scaring me. DH says that we now have a bigger responsibility to the three children at home. Usually, I am the one who can make all the decisions in the house without much problem, but this one has really thrown me for a loop. I guess it is the "wanting the best for your children".

 

[juligrl]

How nice of her

Nope. I wouldn't do it. She moved in with a man she didn't know very well. She didn't respect you enough to contact you for over a week and let you know she was ok

This is not good.

She needs to get her act together. She seems to be slipping to a scary place.

I agree with your DH 100%

Agree 100%. Also get her a copy of 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives.
Let her know you're still there for her and love her despite anything that happens.

 

[wendy46001]

First off hugs to you
I think she needs a little more time before going off to school again, maybe even a counselor...

as for you all paying...if she is saying she will pay you back then you should get her a federal student loan they are not income based and can be under her name...that way she is paying and your younger child can see that you all do set the limits but are willing to help....also federal student loans do not have to be paid off until the child is out of school for six months...so she can also see the consequences of withdrawing/backing out of her education

 

[MyGoofy26]

I tried all I could to keep her in and didn't want to see her withdraw. In fact I was willing to go down a few days a week, get a hotel room, and try to provide support as much as possible if she would stay in, but things got to be too much for her, so she withdrew.

I have no idea about your personal situation and what's going on in her head, but I wanted to walk away from school for awhile. I was miserable - I hated living in the town my school was in, I was frustrated with the red tape and how one dept didn't know what the other was doing so that when I'd ask questions I'd get wrong answers and be rushing last minute getting things straightened out, and I couldn't trust any of my friends so I was really socially withdrawn from everyone around me. I wanted to get away, clear my head a bit so I could take the time to think about what I wanted to do and where to go with my life. My mom really pushed me into staying in school, I felt like I wasn't allowed to take that break I needed. I wasted a couple years and several thousand dollars. When I finally went on the college program at Disney, it gave me that break I needed and I swear I was a whole new person when I went back to school. I picked up SO much momentum and worked my tail off until I finished school. That was actually when I picked up the 2nd major, that's how much momentum I picked up. I had cut ties with those old friends and I commuted from home so that I could get the education I wanted without living in a city I hated and I was really able to concentrate on school

I don't want to "blame" mom, but I was miserable for a couple years and it showed in my grades. I just did not want to be there, but she kept pushing (to a pretty rough point - constantly comparing me to people who dropped out and didn't do anything with their lives after not going back and pointing out people I went to school with who were doing better than me at that point) I know she was just afraid I wouldn't finish, but it really messed with my head to hear her keep pushing to stay in school when I KNEW that taking just a short break would give me a whole new state of mind.

Like I said, I don't know about this situation and what other things are going, but if she does need a short break (or in the future needs one) she might be as self-conscious as I was about what people would think if I left school and the big thing) disappointing my mom. That, above everything that was bothering me, was what really messed with me. If I had the support from my mom to take that break when I first recognized I needed it then I could have saved a few thousand dollars and a couple years of my life.