Party Etiquette Question

[AndreaDM]

The thread about the birthday party got me thinking, when you host a party at your home, do you ask people to bring food/drinks? I never, ever do, but we've just received 2 party invites (not birthday, but 4th of July parties) that state to bring a covered dish AND BYOB. I don't mind as I would bring at least a bottle of wine or something anyway, but on the other hand, we don't throw a party unless we can provide all the food and beverages for our guests. Now I've had people asked what they can bring and if they insist after I tell them they don't need to, I tell them they can bring whatever they want. I have one friend who makes fancy little cookies so she always brings a plate of those to events. And most people do show up with a bottle of wine or a 6 pack of beer, but we never, ever ask or put that on the invitation. Just curious as to what other people do...maybe this is a regional thing? (don't even get me started on my sister who had my nephew's graduation party as a potluck AFTER he didn't even graduate due to cheating on final exams! The kid shouldn't have had ANY kind of party, but her asking people to bring food to celebrate his UNachievements was sooooo tacky to me)

On the other hand, we're part of a group who goes out for friends birthdays, but we each pay our own way. Like I said in the other thread, we don't formally invite people to a birthday party, but we might casually say to each other, "hey let's all go here for so and so's birthday" and then each couple is on their own. Now, when I threw a 30th birthday party at a local pub for DH of course I paid for everything.

Anyway, just curious if other people have summer parties that are always potlucks? The ONLY potluck party I remember throwing is a few years ago when all of DH's coworkers wanted to have a party and picked our place since we have a big yard. We supplies hotdogs, hamburgers, several sides and the drinks. They each brought a munchie or dessert - totally their idea, they planned the whole thing. A few even showed up the next morning to help clean up, that was nice!!

Honestly not judging or flaming anyone (except my sister, haha) just curious.

 

[sau418]

I see both sides... that being said, it depends on what type of party it is.

We are planning to host a block party on our street at the end of summer once the last house is finished being built. The plan is for us to do the meat and drinks and then everyone else will bring a side/dessert. No one expects one family to bear the burden of cost for the entire event.

Situation #2, family reunuions tend to be the same, the host does the meat and other families bring covered dishes.

Now, on the other hand if we were hosting a smallish party we would cover all food and beverages. I think the size of the gathering and purpose of the gathering plays a large part of having guests bring a dish.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Cookouts amoung friends I've brought a dish and been asked to bring a dish (even if I'm not asked, I usually do it's something my mom drilled into my head)

I have asked guests in the past if if was clear it was a potluck get together, not a party I'm hosting. There is a difference to me. I would never ask someone to bring their own food and alcohol though, that's a bit much to ask. I would ask for one or the other.

I have provided all the meat and drinks and asked guests to bring sides and I have been to a few get togethers where the host did the same thing. It's fine by me.

Basically if it's a get together it may or may not be potluck, if it's a party (birthday, baby, graduation, any celebration for something my children did or such) I provide everything and asking it to be potluck is rude IMO.

 

[reagan75]

For a kid's birthday party I provide it all. Usually our family get togethers each person brings a dish. Same for church dinners. We have provided just the main course and eeryone elses brings sides/desserts/drinks. We also have a group of friends that host a "Meat Fest" and everyone brings a different meat to cook in the grill plus a side and our own drinks.

Since you mentioned locality, I live in Oklahoma.

 

[DeniseinNS]

For parties like birthday, graduation, first communion, etc..... that are celebrating a person I would provide all of the food. When we have gatherings with friends on New Years, Canada Day, etc.... we make it a potluck and each family brings a dish or two to share.

 

[AndreaDM]

Yeah I guess a smallish party for friends was what I was asking about. I would assume any family reunion type event would be a potluck.

I guess a good rule of thumb would be that if it's any type of event where gifts might be brought, then the host pays for it? If it's just a family or friends get together cookout, etc., then potluck is fine. Makes sense to me!

 

[branv]

Among people for whom this is typical or they have an understanding (close close friends, family), who am I to say it shouldn't be done. As long as everyone is in agreement that it's acceptable, then that's good for them. I have definitely been to these types of parties, but again, they were always more get-togethers than real parties. And often they're more about someone offering their house as a meeting spot rather than actually being the host/ess.

Personally, as a rule of thumb I think if it's the type of party where you'd send non-verbal invites, you should never asks guests to bring anything. That's more "formal" (yes, even for casual parties), and usually includes people you may be friends with/are related to, but aren't as close to.

On the flip side, I would consider it rude to receive any invite and not offer to bring anything and/or bring a small host/ess gift. Kind of funny when you break it down...host shouldn't ask, but guest should offer. Ahhh, society

 

[AndreaDM]

That's more "formal" (yes, even for casual parties), and usually includes people you may be friends with/are related to, but aren't as close to.

I guess this is why I asked in the first place, one of the parties is to someone's home that we've never been to before. DH knows them through work - they are a client, not a coworker - and I've met them once. Nice people, really like them and am looking forward to the party, was just kinda taken aback I guess when asked to bring food and BYOB.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Well each year we have a Harvest Party and I supply all mixers (soda, oj, juice) and the main dishes but on our invite we say BYOB (bring your own booze & we'll have mixers) and bring a dish to pass - it's always the same group of family and friends and no one has ever seemed to be offended by it.

If it's a birthday party or some type of party that I am hosting that is a celebration (grad party, anniversary party, communion etc....) I never ask to BYOB or a dish to pass. I supply everything and usually go over board (thanks mom ) and I would never think to write on the invitation what type of gift to give or say what the other thread said - Gifts not necessary BUT I am itching to go to ___________ so gift cards would be nice! IMO - that is tacky!

 

[arielmomma]

Like many of the PP, it really depends on the party. If it is a birthday party or anniversary party, I supply all of the food and drinks. If it is a cookout, reunion, or a thrown together shidig where a few of us just want to get together, amongst my friends it is just assumed that everyone bring something while the host supplies the meat and drinks. I guess it really just depends upon the group that you are "partying" with.

 

[LizinSTL]

We always supply the main dish, soft drinks (at least water and lemonade but usually soda too), and we open our bar for hard liquor. I typically have at least some beer depending on who is coming over. When I host family or friends, we usually ask that they bring something to share (appetizers on NYE, side dishes to a bbq, etc.) Occasionally we'll do BYOB. We have some friends that always always always bring beer.

Last NYE, we asked that people bring a fun adult beverage to share- we got to try whiskey slushes and chocolate wine that way.


I guess it depends on your family and circle of friends...

 

[branv]

I guess this is why I asked in the first place, one of the parties is to someone's home that we've never been to before. DH knows them through work - they are a client, not a coworker - and I've met them once. Nice people, really like them and am looking forward to the party, was just kinda taken aback I guess when asked to bring food and BYOB.

Oh, Yikes! Tacky, tacky! Partly bad since you don't socialize with them on a regular casual basis, but ESPECIALLY b/c as your DH's client, they're in a bit of a position of power over you. How do you say, "stuff it"..errr, I mean, "no, thank you; we won't be attending." <---- Emily Post probably wouldn't agree with that first response. Nice or not, some people really need to get print outs of these etiquette threads.

Though on the flip side, you could look at it as they like you guys SO MUCH, they're treating you the same way they would one of their close friends from whom they would solicit hot dogs and maybe some tequila. It's like a compliment

 

[Keishag]

Well I'm in Texas and were big on "barbeques" or cookouts as some have called them, and it's generally a potluck type thing. The guests will bring whatever dish they like and the hosts provide all the meat/buns/anything else that goes w/the 'entree'.

Now for a bday party, no, I would never ask people to bring anything other than their own alcohol because I can't afford to provide alcohol for a bunch of adults. That's if its an adults party of course.

 

[lovesmurfs]

For parties like birthday, graduation, first communion, etc..... that are celebrating a person I would provide all of the food. When we have gatherings with friends on New Years, Canada Day, etc.... we make it a potluck and each family brings a dish or two to share.

MTE. Also, today with all of the allergy problems, diets, etc. I think many people prefer to bring a dish they know they can eat. I think, too, it makes the event less formal and more friendly.

In terms of the BYOB, it may be that the client doesn't drink and just wanted you to know there wouldn't be alcohol served?

 

[AndreaDM]

Though on the flip side, you could look at it as they like you guys SO MUCH, they're treating you the same way they would one of their close friends from who they would solicit hot dogs and maybe some tequila. It's like a compliment

Haha, I guess so! Just last weekend my bff came over - we were both in pj pants and decided on the phone what she should bring over based on what was in her fridge vs. mine. But, we have been friends for almost 20 years and other than family, she's the only one I feel that level of comfort with.

O well, I do love to cook and this will be an opportunity to show off one of my creations I guess.

 

[AndreaDM]

In terms of the BYOB, it may be that the client doesn't drink and just wanted you to know there wouldn't be alcohol served?

The one and only time I hung out with them there was plenty of adult beverages being consumed!! Maybe they just know how much their friends drink and realize they'd have to take out a loan to buy the booze!

It's all good...I was just curious how other people did this.

 

[maslex]

For my son's birthday parties I always supply the food (whether we're having burgers/hot dogs on the grill with a couple salads or a pizza party) I will also supply the chips/dips/fruit salad/soda/lemonade,etc....

For my DH's 40th b-day (this coming Nov) I was going to throw him a party at a local restaurant (I pay for everything) but a few of our closest friends said....well to save $$$ why don't you have it somewhere else where everyone (meaning only the close friends/family) can make a dish or two. So that's what I've decided to do. Each one of us will be making a few things to bring to the party. I will though supply plenty of soda for everyone (cash bar though--I just don't have THAT kind of $$$ LOL)

As for picnics or get togethers on the weekends, every brings a dish whether it's at our house or we go to someone else's house. I don't think I've ever been somewhere where everything was taken care of And atleast around here, it's always a given that you BYOB.

Like you said, it might be a regional thing.

 

[LilyWDW]

If a gift is expected (birthday, graduation, bridal shower, ect ect), then I will provide everything. If I am doing a formal meal (such as Christmas Eve), then I will provide everything.

If it is just about any other type of get together, it is normally a pot luck and BYOB. I will provide the main course and anything that is needed to enjoy it and I will provide Soda, Tea, Kool Aid, and water. I ask that people bring side dishes and dessert (and hope someone actually brings something besides dessert LOL). The reason I do BYOB is because I can't drink it due to medical issues and it is expensive as heck to risk letting some of it go to waste.

I also make invitations for just about any get together, but that's because I am a creative person and WANT to.

 

[AndreaDM]

I will though supply plenty of soda for everyone (cash bar though--I just don't have THAT kind of $$$ LOL)

I really didn't either, but the place I had DH's party (local pub where we knew the owner and employees) agreed to do $1 draft beers and sodas - no minimum or maximum limit. So, that's what we did and most of our friends were grateful just to have free beer lol! They were on their own if they wanted any wine or fancy schmancy mixed drinks - I think only 2 people bought one mixed drink each. Just a thought in case that would be an option for you.

 

[Kay1]

No. I've never asked anyone to bring anything. For our neighborhood Christmas party, though, everyone brings one dish to share and it's BYOB. Also, a couple from my husband's work throws two major blowouts every year and they ask for the same. Small parties? No.