Party Etiquette Question

[jrmasm]

If a guest is bringing a gift, they should never be asked to bring anything else.

 

[punkin]

I think it's fine to ask for food for parties where there is no real host (block parties, family reunions) or parties that explicitly presuppose everyone contributing (pot luck, revolving dinner parties with friends) but as soon as you are hosting the party, you must supply all food and drink. Of course it is nice when guests ask if they can bring something and there is nothing wrong in taking advantage of that.

 

[thebeesknees]

We are in CO, and I agree with a previous poster that if it is an event where gifts are usually brought, then we provide it all. For other get-togethers, it is usually potluck. If it's a family function, we all chip in and bring something, as well. But that might just be our family. There are about 20 of us when we all get together, so the host provides main dish and drinks, the rest of us chip in with side dishes and dessert (unless it's a birthday party, as stated above).

 

[tinkmom2]

My DD's birthday is in July. When she was younger we had a potluck Birthday party for her every year. I did ask everyone to bring a dish to pass around. We provided the hamburgers, hotdogs, brats, soda, beer, cake, ice cream etc.. It was not a requirement but we also had about 25-30 people come every year. Many of the people were my mom in laws friends. None of my friends mind bringing something to pass. Most of them will ask me if I want them to bring something. Now my oldest is older she just invites a few friends over for pizza and a movie sleepover.

 

[MrsPooh]

When we have parties for things like birthdays or graduations we provide everything (although some close family usually pitches in with a few items). Otherwise it seems like anything we have or when we are invited to parties they are usually BYOB and bring a dish to share. If it is meal time the host/hostess will usually provide the main course.

We are in a middle/upper middle class Midwestern suburb so maybe our way of doing things is different.

IMO, the BYOB is mostly because everyone has their favorite drink and that way everyone is satisfied without it costing the host a fortune but we also all share what we’ve brought. The dish to share helps with the cost but even more it is because most of us are families with two working parents and kids we run around. If we had to wait for one of us to have a home clean and enough food prepared for everyone no one would ever get together.
Personally, I enjoy the chance to get together with others and don’t mind bringing something.

 

[MommaSnowwhite]

When we have parties they are always BYOB and a dish to pass. For New Years, St. Pats and other get times our group of friends assume that we will provide the basics and they provide the rest. I agree with Mrs. Pooh - if we had to wait for someone to have time to do everything themselves we would never get together.

 

[jodifla]

I think it depends on the group of people.

Growing up in Florida, we were the people with the pool. So everybody wanted parties at our house, but we couldn't afford to constantly entertain. So what developed was a constant potluck affair. It worked well for our cul de sac community.

At work, going-away parties for people also were potluck and BYOB. The host was doing the nice thing by offering their home.

Now, we have an annual Christmas party or sometimes New Year's Party, and we do everything for it, but people often bring things. That's cool.

And when we just had a big blowout for a friend's 50th birthday, everybody brought appetizers while the hosts provided the liquor and the place.

On our street, most parties are also potluck affairs. It seems to be the norm in most circles I've run in.

 

[m&m's mom]

Oh, Yikes! Tacky, tacky! Partly bad since you don't socialize with them on a regular casual basis, but ESPECIALLY b/c as your DH's client, they're in a bit of a position of power over you. How do you say, "stuff it"..errr, I mean, "no, thank you; we won't be attending." <---- Emily Post probably wouldn't agree with that first response. Nice or not, some people really need to get print outs of these etiquette threads.

Though on the flip side, you could look at it as they like you guys SO MUCH, they're treating you the same way they would one of their close friends from whom they would solicit hot dogs and maybe some tequila. It's like a compliment

I took it as the host is probably making her more comfortable but not having her show up without a food item when all their "closer" friends do.
Also, if invitations were sent they probably were not different for the OP and maybe the notice was already on there.
Our neighborhood gets together a lot to cookout and it is just understood, you bring a dish.

 

[kirstenb1]

We don't entertain that often. We have a summer party, one for Halloween, one at Christmas, and family parties for the girls' birthdays. We provide everything. But since our budget may be less in some years than others, I tweak the menu/beverages accordingly. For instance, if we're pinched, I might just make sangria, and have that be the alcoholic beverage, and put out lemonade for non-drinkers. Or make pasta entree's instead of something more expensive, etc.

Usually friends will ask what they can bring anyway. I love when someone offers to bring dessert, side dish, or beverages.

 

[pixiewings71]

We are having DDs bday party tomorrow, she isn't 14 until July 8th but due to our family vacation and other things (holidays and a visit to my family in Idaho for the girls) we just can't do it around her actual bday so we are doing it tomorrow. I asked my BFF to bring some artichoke dip because her's is amazing.....and until yesterday I had a full time and would be working all of today and would be short on time. I didn't ask anyone else to bring anything and had I known I was going to be jobless today I wouldn't have asked her to bring that but I would have made it myself. So yes, sometimes I ask people to bring something but usually my standard is reply is "no need but if you'd like to bring something feel to bring something your llike at BBQs or BYOB". Personally I don't like being a guest and not bringing something so I understand when people are the same way, that's why I have my simple answer.

Edited to that no one is ever expected or asked to bring gifts to our parties, be they bday or otherwise, we don't expect that at all.

 

[Cooky]

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[descovy]

I agree... if honoring a birthday, grad, etc... hostess should provide all food/ bev...

But the casual neighbor cookout, superbowl, etc... the host in our circle may provide the "heavy" or "main dish" and guests bring appropriate side dishes

At Christmas/new year time my family hosts an ethnic feast. In part because our friends in the neighborhood hail from different nationalities (Mexico, India, Korea, China, Italy, Venezuala, Norway) and it's the one time a year my husband cooks (filipino food) So by default it is potluck. Everyone brings a dish and we try all kinds of different foods. A party like that wouldn't be the same if my family cooked up the whole thing ourselves

I am curious now about BYOB... I always understood BYOB to be like potluck. Not bring beer, and then just drink your own beer, but instead bring beer, try the hostess's watermelon margarita, and someone else grabs one of "your" beers out of the cooler kinda thing. Like a beverage potluck.

Is BYOB usually only drink what you bring? Man I could make a serious faux pas at the wrong kind of BBQ!

 

[AndreaDM]

n part because our friends in the neighborhood hail from different nationalities (Mexico, India, Korea, China, Italy, Venezuala, Norway) and it's the one time a year my husband cooks (filipino food) So by default it is potluck. Everyone brings a dish and we try all kinds of different foods.

That sounds amazing!!

I've been to BYOB parties both ways, usually people bring a 6 pack or bottle of wine and then it all co-mingles together and you drink whatever you want. I have also seen people show up with their own coolers full of beers and drink only from that. Who knows what's proper? After a few drinks I'm sure it doesn't matter one way or the other!!

 

[danders2]

Our house is the designated "party" house. We have a large yard and a large deck, so we can accomodate everyone who would want to come. When we entertain, we ask guests to bring their own drinks (non-alcoholic as we don't drink), because I could grill steaks for everyone cheaper than I can buy different sodas to accomodate everyone's different tastes. I do provide tea and lemonade, because that is what my kids drink, so my guests are more than welcome to enjoy that with us!

 

[dd50]

I have had both. Usually if I invite you that means you bring yourself. If I say do you want to have a "potluck" then every one brings something. Different celebrations I don't do potluck but some people do offer to bring food.

Don't know if this is a Florida thing or not but when I do bring something to someone's house I leave it there. I try to bring it in a disposal pan so I don't have to worry about getting bowl or plate back but it seems down here when someone is leaving even if early they take their food home. That always reminds me of the Seinfeld show with George and the bread. Do others do that?

 

[emma'smom]

We have friends to have a summer party every Friday night all summer. Its great because the families all have a good time chatting while the kids play. Anyway, the situation is bring your own meat to grill and bring a side or dessert. They provide the drinks (alcohol and non-alcoholic). It works out great-- lots of different sides, good drinks, good friends and nobody is spending a lot of $$.

About the BYOB-- whenever I have parties I do BYO- Beer. Why? We don't drink beer and I wouldn't have any idea what to buy. I've just made it clear with my little group of friends that at my house, I'll provide non-alcoholic drinks, wine, and mixed drinks---but not beer.

If you want beer, bring your own--and if there is some leftover...you can take it home with you!


That's what I think is an interesting etiquette question-- If you bring a bottle of wine for an event and it goes unused-- do you take it home or leave it for the hostess? I say leave it---but I know people who take them home (with a comment like "We'll keep have to crack this one open next time!")

 

[AndreaDM]

Don't know if this is a Florida thing or not but when I do bring something to someone's house I leave it there.

I agree, I always leave any food/drinks I take! The only time I don't take something in a disposable container would be to a really good friend's or a coworkers party where it's no big deal to get my dish back. I have lots of pretty dishes and I like to use them. Back when I was dating, I remember going to a family party with my then boyfriend and when people left, they took everything they brought. I almost died when his mom recapped a 2 liter of soda that was literally more than half empty and took it with her! We've had tons of parties where people brought wine (usually around Christmas) and if we don't open it, they've never asked to take it. I always assumed it was more of a hostess gift than something to drink that night, although I would have no problem opening it to share. It's just we usually already have enough open and don't want to waste it. We do have one friend who likes his very expensive scotch that no one else drinks, so when they come over, he brings his bottle and then takes it with him. This is only when it's only our small core group, I don't think he'd do that at a big gathering.

 

[Gigi22]

It goes both ways, depending on the host/hostess's wishes and circumstances. If my DSis is having a party, I offer to bring something, or she can call me up and ask me to bring something, and vice versa. This can get tricky when others get into the mix--one year I wound up bringing a whole stuffed 25 lb. turkey to DSIL's family Christmas dinner! (That was fun--especially carrying the roaster around). If I am making a nice meal for friends, I do not want them bringing anything for the meal--as I prefer to plan my own dinners and I love to cook.

 

[malibuconlee]

For smaller parties, like my daughter's birthday we provide food and drinks.

Everything else we host we provide the main, a couple of sides and ask that everyone bring drinks and something food-wise to share. Since we've moved here just over a year ago we have had 2 UFC fight parties, Thanksgiving, Super Bowl, Easter, a pool party for my birthdy, and I think one other party, all of which had no fewer than 22 and usually 28-30 people attending. Half of which are the young guys that work for my husband. If I tried to buy enough beer for them it would drive us into the poor house! LOL

 

[phamy76]

when we're having family over for a party, everyone always asks if they can bring something. SURE! I say. Hubby has been unemployed for over a year.
If they want to bring a bag of chips or a 2 litre of soda, they can. But, we provide the main dish/desserts.

But, if we're having a big party for friends, we specifically say "bring a dish for all to share". We'll provide the meats and non alcholic drinks. We keep a list going of what people are bringing.

In 2 weeks we're hosting a game night at our house. We asked people to bring a game to share and bring a snack. We'll provide the drinks, a fruit tray and veggie tray.