Parents with teen dd's.....help with social issues

[luvdzne]

I don't know that much about Aspergers but I thought it was the more social end of Autism-meaning the issues they have are more social than academic, guess not. Keep an eye on her grades this year as she may have been able to hold things together up until now???

It is very much social...however to get a diagnosis it is very difficult as the insurance makes it a school (learning) issue and the school will not really help unless they are struggling academically or have a diagnosis from a Dr. I've been through all this with my younger dd and it took years of fighting the system. Aspergers also has a lot to do with sensory, emotional, and self control. She doesn't have problems in these areas. While aspergers is a possibility and it does run in families...I do believe her problem is related to being very shy and picking the wrong friends.

Asta....Your 18 year old is very wise! I am actually going to pass that on to my dd.

 

[minkydog]

One word....counseling. It helps.

My older dd had counseling way back when and it helped her and my youngest is in counseling now, and of course this is one of the topics.

Right now she is learning how to take a risk to talk and also find common ground as a way of breaking the ice.

Also her choice of friends. She has learned that she needs to find like minded people for her choices.

It is a good place to learn, vent and just talk.

You beat me to it! OP, my younger sister went through similar stuff in middle school and high school. Back then everybody just thought my mom was too easy on her-- you know, all she needed was a swift kick in the pants to snap out of it. Back then, my mom didn't know that what she was seeing was the beginnings of a serious anxiety disorder. My sister never got any kind of treatment until she was well into adulthood. Her high school years were pure torture. Her adult years haven't been much better. She tried to kill herself last year. NOW they're listening to her and things are getting better. She's 45.

OP, I urge you to get yourselves into some family therapy. Forget what the ped said--what a maroon! I hope you fire him. Kids go to counseling for lots of different reasons. Just growing up in a home with a sibling who has Aspergers would be enough reason to touch base with a therapist(I have a child who is very low-functioning, so I see first-hand what these siblings go through.) Call a therapist who has experience with adolescents and anxiety.

And since your ped doesnt seem to willing to help, think about taking her to see a psychiatrist. Don't faint! There, there! It's not what you think. A psychiatrist manages medications, which she could very well benefit from . Meds don't cure anxiety, but they are a tool with which to manage anxiety.

Anxiety and mood disorders are rampant in my family. I suffer, my mother suffers, two sisters and a brother suffer. And that's just my immediate family. There are 11 first-degree relatives that i can count who have diagnosed mood disorders in my family. Without my meds I couldn't even leave my home. I can't go to church or cross a roomful of strangers. I can't look men in the eyes. With meds I can be the person I have always been--friendly, compassionate, loving and kind, instead of a freaked out mess. Your daughter needs you to believe her--it really is as bad as she thinks it is. She needs to know you will move mountains for her, even if you have to try some things you've never done before. MOm, you have the opportunity to show her the way. Don't be afraid. You might be saving her life.

 

[Buckalew11]

Oh. My. God.

I'm biting my tongue and calming down before I get a point or two or 50.

Let me just say that I have been there, done that, and although my 15 yo wasn't shy, she was gentle and kind---which can get your kid eaten alive by mean girls.
This went on for years for DD and came to a head at 13 and in the 8th grade. Years of suffering from other girls' rudeness, selfishness and meaness caused a lot of harm, actually. More than I thought because I know how girls can be (no matter whether they are 13, 33, or 53!)
We did the counseling route and I think it helped some. Frankly, I think the mean girls needed counseling too, lol, but that is another story. I'm not sure what to tell you but to definitely let your DD know she is not alone. She needs to know there will always be mean girls/women in life but she should still try to seek out a true friend or two too. They're out there!

I removed my DD from the situation and for us, it was the best decision I have ever made. It wasn't like it happened and we pulled her. We let this go on for too long, in fact. But hindsight is 20/20. For me and my DH, well, we have a new DD--she's happy and outgoing and it is wonderful to see her with kind friends who really care about her.

She's over the mean girls and I'm proud of her for it. She definitely took the high road.
I'm still working through it all between the girls and their moms. It is very hard to forgive when you've watched someone shred your child's self confidence and even physically hurt them while the school closes its eyes and sweeps it under the rug.

Good luck to your DD. Be very aware of her feelings though. As my DD told me when I made the comment that she *seemed* to be handling it all quite well but deep down, she wasn't. Don't let this destroy her spirit.

And do not listen to someone telling you it must be *her* fault. WTH?

 

[luvdzne]

What a tough spot to be in! I know to have confidence you have to have self esteem. I guess what I was trying to say is that it may feel like all those mean girls, and the x friend are what are squashing her self esteem, but it's not an external thing, it's an internal thing. (and I don't know if ANY teenage girl has that figured out yet) I would take her to a counselor, someone who has the qualifications to help her discover those great things about herself that have little to do with the outside world. Maybe mentoring would be good for her too?
I remember when I was in High School I hated confrontation (still do) and was very sensitive (still am). I cheered for my first year, and the next year I tried out and made the squad, but when it came time to pay for the uniforms and the rest of the fees, my parents told me that if I wanted to cheer I had to pay my way (they had the money, but wanted us to learn the value of it by paying our own way) I was mortified!!! I had to leave the squad I had practiced with for weeks! I lied and said I couldn't do it because it interfered with my dance classes. A lot of the girls stopped talking to me, and my best friend since Kindergarten was among them!!! It was horrible, and I had a rough time that year. I can't tell you how, or when, or why but I can tell you that today I have more self esteem than I should have, and I didn't have the supportive parents like it sounds like your daughter has!!! Today I'm proud as heck that I'm sensitive and non-confrontational! I think your daughter is going through the kind of thing most of us go through at that age. I think it's the kids who never have these kinds of difficulties you have to really worry about it! My friend from kindergarten who ditched me the moment my popularity dropped a few notches? She was beautiful and adored in high school, but she was adored for all the external things in life like money, and nice clothes, and popular friends. She has had a hard time in adulthood where those things don't matter nearly as much as what's on the inside! I'm glad I did my soul searching in high school and not after marriage and children and all the other high stress things in the "real" world!

This is very good advice...thank you so much!

Minkydog I have been looking for a good psychiatrist for my younger dd. It is very hard to find one that deals with children in this area for some unknown reason. I actually have another appointment with my dd11's neurologist at the end of the month and was going to ask for some suggestions. I will definitely take both girls when I find one. You are correct that it has been very hard on her growing up with her sister having aspergers. It has been tough on all of us.

Buckalew11 thankfully she hasn't shown signs of depression or anxiety. I have been watching closely for that as I have suffered through both in the past myself. The one thing I can say is it does make her sad that the girls treat her this way. She continues to try and even though she feels ignored by the girls on her squad she said she refuses to quit because she worked too hard to get it and she won't let them take that away from her.

Thank you everyone for your great advice. It is very hard as a mother to watch your child suffer in anyway and feel helpless.

 

[monkeybug]

I have this Dr. Suess quote on my childrens playroom wall-

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

It reminded me of what a prior posters wise 18 year old said, so I thought I would share!
Plus who doesn't need a Dr. Suess moment???

 

[KirstenB]

You beat me to it! OP, my younger sister went through similar stuff in middle school and high school. Back then everybody just thought my mom was too easy on her-- you know, all she needed was a swift kick in the pants to snap out of it. Back then, my mom didn't know that what she was seeing was the beginnings of a serious anxiety disorder. My sister never got any kind of treatment until she was well into adulthood. Her high school years were pure torture. Her adult years haven't been much better. She tried to kill herself last year. NOW they're listening to her and things are getting better. She's 45.

OP, I urge you to get yourselves into some family therapy. Forget what the ped said--what a maroon! I hope you fire him. Kids go to counseling for lots of different reasons. Just growing up in a home with a sibling who has Aspergers would be enough reason to touch base with a therapist(I have a child who is very low-functioning, so I see first-hand what these siblings go through.) Call a therapist who has experience with adolescents and anxiety.

And since your ped doesnt seem to willing to help, think about taking her to see a psychiatrist. Don't faint! There, there! It's not what you think. A psychiatrist manages medications, which she could very well benefit from . Meds don't cure anxiety, but they are a tool with which to manage anxiety.

Anxiety and mood disorders are rampant in my family. I suffer, my mother suffers, two sisters and a brother suffer. And that's just my immediate family. There are 11 first-degree relatives that i can count who have diagnosed mood disorders in my family. Without my meds I couldn't even leave my home. I can't go to church or cross a roomful of strangers. I can't look men in the eyes. With meds I can be the person I have always been--friendly, compassionate, loving and kind, instead of a freaked out mess. Your daughter needs you to believe her--it really is as bad as she thinks it is. She needs to know you will move mountains for her, even if you have to try some things you've never done before. MOm, you have the opportunity to show her the way. Don't be afraid. You might be saving her life.

This is great advice. Our 11 yr old has ADD, not severe. But she has a younger sister with autism. I decided a couple of years ago that a child psychiatrist was the person I wanted to monitor our older dd and her meds. It's so stressful having a sibling with special needs, I wanted a second set of eyes watching over her. OP, I'm not suggesting your older dd's situation is directly related to being a sibling, but my heart goes out to the siblings. The child with autism gets lots of attention, and speaking from my experience only, it's hard to try to give our other daughter an equal amount.

 

[luvdzne]

I have this Dr. Suess quote on my childrens playroom wall-

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

It reminded me of what a prior posters wise 18 year old said, so I thought I would share!
Plus who doesn't need a Dr. Suess moment???

I love that quote! I am going to write that down and tuck that in my dd's book to read. It is what I have tried to tell her...but my words weren't so poetic.

 

[luvdzne]

This is great advice. Our 11 yr old has ADD, not severe. But she has a younger sister with autism. I decided a couple of years ago that a child psychiatrist was the person I wanted to monitor our older dd and her meds. It's so stressful having a sibling with special needs, I wanted a second set of eyes watching over her. OP, I'm not suggesting your older dd's situation is directly related to being a sibling, but my heart goes out to the siblings. The child with autism gets lots of attention, and speaking from my experience only, it's hard to try to give our other daughter an equal amount.

You are very right...I'm sure this is where a lot of her problems come from. There were times when her friends would be over and her sister would have a meltdown. Plus a lot of attention is drawn away from her by my younger dd.

 

[yoopermom]

Could she get involved in a multiage group of kids that have a similar interest? Martial arts? Dog training? 4-H? Volunteering? I've taught for many years, and girls like your daughter seem to get along better in a mixed group like one of the above.

Hugs to you both

Terri

 

[Stacerita]

One word....counseling. It helps.

My older dd had counseling way back when and it helped her and my youngest is in counseling now, and of course this is one of the topics.

Right now she is learning how to take a risk to talk and also find common ground as a way of breaking the ice.

Also her choice of friends. She has learned that she needs to find like minded people for her choices.

It is a good place to learn, vent and just talk.

Couldn't agree more. She needs a place to vent, talk and get things out. If she doesn't, I would be concerned that her self esteem will be taking a hit and that she could develop hurtful behaviours (which aren't uncommon around that age). Let her try counseling and find her voice. She may just need to talk with someone to see that the people she is trying to be friends with aren't the ones she should try to be friends with.

 

[overlyspoiled4sure]

OP, your doctor LAUGHED at your daughter??? Boy, I'd sure be having issues with that!!!

My heart goes out to you both; I have no suggestions except for giving that doctor a good talking-to for laughing at her. That was uncalled for in my opinion! Good luck & I hope things change for her.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

To both you and your DD.

My only advice is for her to maybe seek out clubs that she's interested in, then she will find like minded friends. Cheerleading is great (I was one ) but it's very cliquey. Has she thought about art or drama club? I know in my school, the theatre kids were some of the nicest, most inviting kids. They might not have been the coolest, but out of the kids in our highschool they're the ones that have been most successful in life! Hopefully she can find at least one good friend to make the days easier.

 

[clh2]

What else could she join - to help expand the people who she is hanging around with? My DD's high school has a variety of activities, she just started "Key Club" this morning which is a service-related group. My guess is - not too many cheerleaders will be in that group. Do you belong to a church? Ours has a wonderful high school youth program, maybe you have something like this too?

Are there any places that she could volunteer at? Maybe walking dogs at a local humane society? The dogs are always a great ice-breaker. Plus - dogs are in it for the loving,,,they don't judge yah. (Dog lover here, in case there is any doubt!)

What about her helping out a younger girl scout troop with the dance/exercise try-its and badges? No leader in his/her right mind would turn down an opportunity for someone else to help with meeting activities. Plus - she would have a troop of girls who would think she is absolutely the coolest person who walked into their troop!

I was terribly shy in high school...many, many years ago. I literally "forced" myself to talk to people in college. And now... you can pretty much toss me in any situation and I can hold my own.

Good luck to your DD!

 

[kacaju]

One of my friends has a dd15 who went through a very similar problem. My friend (by her own admission) let it go on for way too long. She thought her dd could work it out herself. Finally the girl *broke away* from the mean girls. She now has a whole new group of friends and is doing great.
This girl is now very active in our Church. She has finally found a place where she is accepted.

I would really try to steer your dd away from cheering and these kids. She needs to find something else to do.
These girls are not her friends.

I am not a huge fan of school based activites. I think as teens spending too much time together is not healthy, they need a balance.
My 3 girls are all very active in 4-H, no one from their school is in these clubs.
My oldest dd15 dances, so there are some school friends, but also kids from other schools.
My middle dd13 shows dogs, she has a whole bunch of friends, kids and adults, who she sees on weekends at AKC shows.
My youngest dd9 dances (at the same place as her sister) plus she plays softball for a neighboring town.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I've talked to her about counseling but it was her pediatrician we tried talking to about it and he laughed at her and said there was no way she had a hard time making friends. So that was it for her trusting talking to another adult.

Counseling can really help with gaining insight into yourself. It does not mean you are crazy.

With my 12yodd, the counselor asked how important was it to make friends that are similiar to you. Now she is in middle school and it is a little tougher but she realized that it is very important to her to have friends that share her interests.

It is a little tough to find girls in middle school that are into anime & computers. However she is doing it.

She has a girl that likes her and wants to be her friend however my dd is an atheist and she had to accept that she might not be able to be friends with a Christian. The parents of this girl are not accepting of her beliefs. Which of course makes it impossible to have a friendship outside of class.

While all of this sounds crazy it is just reality. So instead of beating herself up and trying to "be friends" she had to move on. That has helped her.

Now I know your dd's issues are not the same but the counseling part helps them think about their choices and how they want to see themselves and how to go about doing it, like joining clubs, etc.

 

[bas71873]

i have this dr. Suess quote on my childrens playroom wall-

“be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

it reminded me of what a prior posters wise 18 year old said, so i thought i would share!
Plus who doesn't need a dr. Suess moment???

love it!!

 

[BMNABrinx]

My DD went thru a very similar situation in jr. high & high school. She always drew such negative people and they were simply hateful to her. Some of them were verbally abusive to her, some started rumors, some made fun of her, etc.......but what we found was that it was all a jealousy thing. Some were jealous because of she had a good family and they didn't; some were jealous because she is tiny in size and they were not; some were jealous because she was a good student and they were not. The friends she ended up making were mostly guy friends. There wasn't anything more than friendship between them but there was much less drama! "The guys" included her in going to the movies, playing ball, running around, etc. but she didn't have to worry about them putting her down or stabbing her in the back or about them being jealous. Of course this brought up a whole new set of problems because the other guys in school were afraid to ask her out, not knowing if she was dating on of her friends. It all worked out though. She is now in college and happy, making all kinds of friends.
I hope things work out well for your daughter.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I'm sorry. Hugs for you and your daughter. Definitely schedule some counseling for her.
I'm of the opinion that everyone can benefit from it. My daughter went through something similar when she switched schools.

 

[honugirl]

The owness needs to be on your daughter to break out of her shell and go around to different groups of people and talk to them. As someone who's pretty much always on the bottom rung of the social ladder and so not pretty it's not even funny (remember Marla from A League of Their Own, yeah, that's me...), I can tell you that I would never, ever have willingly gone up to a pretty, shy girl and talked to her because of all the torture I endured from the pretty popular ones. I still am very awkward around anyone my age who is pretty and I'm 31. Put me around guys and I'm good to go, but with women, I'd generally rather be stuck in a prison camp having bamboo shoved under my toenails (I do have my exceptions).

I rocked the house in the "nerd" sports department: drama, debate, golf and 4-H where there was a good mix of ages. Oddly enough, when I hit about 18, I really started to flourish in ice hockey and that really helped me be more out going (you can't be shy when you're in control of a bunch of teenage kids full of testosterone!)

Some of us just take longer to hit our social stride than others. Some of us will continue to be awkward in some situations and not in others. I have my moments where I'm the life of the party and other moments when I want to hide behind the table and never come out. Some of us really never learn to deal well with our peers, but we do really well with those older or younger.

Might want to try having her volunteer at a nursing home or get involved with senior citizens, I've found them to be much more understanding and accepting as a group. Also they're fun and pretty easy to talk to and they generally have good cookies and/or candy and good stories... I would say that about 75% of my friends are older than me by 10 or more years, 15% are younger and the remaining 10% are close to my age.

Toastmasters is good too because it forces you to face those fears of speaking in front of people.

Possibly having her become an advocate for Asperger's is another outlet for her to gain friends. I know the more vocal I am about my rare disease, the more outgoing I've become. It gives me a good opportunity to engage others in a topic I'm well versed in.

Good luck! As you can see, I'm still very sensitive about everything I endured growing up...

 

[Frantasmic]

Every parent, mom AND dad, of teen daughters should read "Queen Bees and Wanna Be's." It was very eye-opening and shows how those cliques work.

Behind every queen bee is either an accommodating authority figure (a parent or a teacher) or a posse of wanna bes who are just looking for the day when they can be queen bee.

The key really is to get into a "hive" with nicer bees.