Parents with teen dd's.....help with social issues

[luvdzne]

My poor dd15, I don't know what to do to help her. She is very sweet, very pretty but very shy. She is having a lot of problems with making and keeping friends. She always seems to find friends that treat her terribly and totally take what little self esteem she has and squash it into the ground. At first I thought she was just misreading the girls and she was assuming they were ignoring her. I have now witnessed several incidents where she will try to talk to someone and they will just walk away. She made the cheer squad this year and she said no one on the squad really talks to her. Her friends talk to her when they feel like it, ignore her if they have someone better to talk to. It's breaking my heart and I don't know how to help her. Anyone have any suggestions?

There is one girl that used to be her best friend up until about a year ago when she decided to hate my dd for no reason. When anyone asked why she hated dd she would just say she didn't have a reason she just did. All of her "friends" are mutual friends with this girl and since then it seems all her problems began. This girl is also on the cheer squad with dd and while no one else is around she will talk to dd, but as soon as someone else shows up they will ditch her.

She says she tries so hard to talk to the girls but every time they walk away or ignore her.

I should also add that the few times she got the courage to talk to an adult other than me she was laughed at. Now I can't get her to talk to anyone else about it.

 

[KAMKIM]

My poor dd15, I don't know what to do to help her. She is very sweet, very pretty but very shy. She is having a lot of problems with making and keeping friends. She always seems to find friends that treat her terribly and totally take what little self esteem she has and squash it into the ground. At first I thought she was just misreading the girls and she was assuming they were ignoring her. I have now witnessed several incidents where she will try to talk to someone and they will just walk away. She made the cheer squad this year and she said no one on the squad really talks to her. Her friends talk to her when they feel like it, ignore her if they have someone better to talk to. It's breaking my heart and I don't know how to help her. Anyone have any suggestions?

There is one girl that used to be her best friend up until about a year ago when she decided to hate my dd for no reason. When anyone asked why she hated dd she would just say she didn't have a reason she just did. All of her "friends" are mutual friends with this girl and since then it seems all her problems began. This girl is also on the cheer squad with dd and while no one else is around she will talk to dd, but as soon as someone else shows up they will ditch her.

She says she tries so hard to talk to the girls but every time they walk away or ignore her.

I should also add that the few times she got the courage to talk to an adult other than me she was laughed at. Now I can't get her to talk to anyone else about it.

I feel for you and your daughter My DD8 is painfully shy, she has a hard time every year in school making friends and just plain talking to people. She says no one plays with her at recess - the girls even at this age are very "cliquey" - probably spelled that wrong but you know what I mean. I was surprised to see this at such a young age. I think girls can be meaner than boys sometimes.

I dont know the answer either, and I'm afraid it will only get worse once she gets to be your daughters age. I have her in girl scouts, dance etc. to get her around other girls her age socially but we've been doing this since she was 3 (activities) and doesn't seem to make a difference. She does cling to one friend at a time, but once someone else comes along that friend seems to disappear as well.

It breaks my heart. My daughter is so shy and sensitive - yet my youngest DD is the exact opposite...friends come so easily for her. I dont know what to do.

 

[C.Ann]

I don't have any advice, but this makes me so sad for your DD and you..

 

[golfgal]

I guess if it were my daughter I would wonder what she is doing that NO ONE likes her. It seems very odd. Perhaps she doesn't act the same at school as she does at home. Perhaps her shyness comes off as being stuck-up?? I think you need to dig deeper with her to find out what happened before the girls started not talking to her. Also, you will find that catty, snotty girl behaviour is MUCH worse with cheerleaders than any other segment of high school girls. Is she in the band? Maybe that would be a better place for her to try to find friends.

 

[MushyMushy]

Oh my goodness, that poor thing! My heart really goes out to her.

My DD has had a ton of social issues. She's always been a target for mean girls. A few months ago, she was downright obsessed with her looks and weight. It really didn't help that other kids were mean to her about everything from her curly hair (which she now obsessively straightens), to her chest size, to her weight. She's curvy, not overweight (and the doctor agrees, so all good there; mom's not in denial ).

I sent her to a good counselor this summer. She probably went to 4 or 5 visits and it helped her self esteem immensely. The counselor helped her to realize that she would never treat people the way people have been treating her and she shouldn't tolerate it. I'm not saying she doesn't still have problems with mean kids, but she seems to handle it a whole lot better!

Is that something you might think of doing for your DD?

 

[Serena]

I am sorry. I wish I had an answer, but I don't.

My dd17 is shy too. All her friends graduated last year and it's been hard to find friends.

 

[WL Fan]

What about finding a group of girls that's not related to school at all? Totally new kids that your daughter doesn't have a history with that she can start all new? Like 4H or a church group or a volunteer organization?

Sending to you and your daughter. Remember mom, this too shall pass, and with all the love from you behind her, she'll come out in one piece.

 

[luvdzne]

I feel for you and your daughter My DD8 is painfully shy, she has a hard time every year in school making friends and just plain talking to people. She says no one plays with her at recess - the girls even at this age are very "cliquey" - probably spelled that wrong but you know what I mean. I was surprised to see this at such a young age. I think girls can be meaner than boys sometimes.

I dont know the answer either, and I'm afraid it will only get worse once she gets to be your daughters age. I have her in girl scouts, dance etc. to get her around other girls her age socially but we've been doing this since she was 3 (activities) and doesn't seem to make a difference. She does cling to one friend at a time, but once someone else comes along that friend seems to disappear as well.

It breaks my heart. My daughter is so shy and sensitive - yet my youngest DD is the exact opposite...friends come so easily for her. I dont know what to do.

Thank you! It is so hard to watch her be so sad all the time. Adults don't seem to believe she has a problem with the other kids because she is a cheerleader and so pretty. I know some of the problem is because she is so painfully shy she comes off as "stuck up". That doesn't explain why her "friends" treat her the way they do.

My younger dd11 has Aspergers and has a hard time socially as well but I can come up with things to help her. She doesn't have a lot of friends but she has come a long way. I just wish I could come up with something to help my older dd at the very least figure out why she is treated the way she is.

 

[monkeybug]

Oh that just breaks my heart!
I don't have any real advice except to tell you that your daughters self esteem is never really in the hands of another. You have to find a way to teach her to own it for herself. If somebody does something horrible, it might make us feel sad, it might make us question ourselves, but a confident person will be able to see where their problems end and the other persons start.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

One word....counseling. It helps.

My older dd had counseling way back when and it helped her and my youngest is in counseling now, and of course this is one of the topics.

Right now she is learning how to take a risk to talk and also find common ground as a way of breaking the ice.

Also her choice of friends. She has learned that she needs to find like minded people for her choices.

It is a good place to learn, vent and just talk.

 

[KAMKIM]

Thank you! It is so hard to watch her be so sad all the time. Adults don't seem to believe she has a problem with the other kids because she is a cheerleader and so pretty. I know some of the problem is because she is so painfully shy she comes off as "stuck up". That doesn't explain why her "friends" treat her the way they do.

My younger dd11 has Aspergers and has a hard time socially as well but I can come up with things to help her. She doesn't have a lot of friends but she has come a long way. I just wish I could come up with something to help my older dd at the very least figure out why she is treated the way she is.

My daughters school had a Kid Connection program which I signed her up for during 1st and 2nd grade. The school had a counselor come in twice a week and out of each class picked 2 kids that needed this program. My DD went to see this counselor twice a week and got to pick a "friend" from class to go and meet with this counselor and they played games, and talked - my DD looked forward to it but it never developed any long term friendships...well as long term as they can be at that age. But it isn't offered for 3rd graders so I dont know. I always tell her how great I think she is, and even if she feels alone while in school I'm always thinking about her and missing her - okay now I'm crying.

I just think some people dont take these issues seriously because its not academic problems - but as a mother it hurts me to see her hurting in anyway shape or form. I hate that she feels lonely.

 

[luvdzne]

Oh that just breaks my heart!
I don't have any real advice except to tell you that your daughters self esteem is never really in the hands of another. You have to find a way to teach her to own it for herself. If somebody does something horrible, it might make us feel sad, it might make us question ourselves, but a confident person will be able to see where their problems end and the other persons start.

You are correct in this. However you have to have good self esteem to have confidence. She didn't make cheer last year and it hit her pretty hard. When she made it this year she was so excited and thought things would go differently for her. She had a good boost of confidence until the other girls were ignoring her. I know some of this has to do with her shyness and some have to do with her "x friend". When we were at the game on Friday I was sitting behind her mother and overheard her talking about my dd to another mother saying how my dd should never have made it, she sucked...etc. Our girls have cheered together for years and when she didn't make it last year is pretty much when this girl turned on her and so did the mother I guess. I wanted to say something so bad but I knew it would make things worse for her.

I have tried to guide her on how to handle certain situations, but she doesn't like confrontation and will often just stand there taking how the girls are talking to her. That makes her an easy target.

 

[LUCiD]

I don't have any advice, but I'm going through an extremely similar situation at school, (at the same age, no less,) all I can say is to give her plenty of love and comfort. Please tell her that there are others going through the same thing as she is, and that I hope things get better for her soon.

 

[luvdzne]

My daughters school had a Kid Connection program which I signed her up for during 1st and 2nd grade. The school had a counselor come in twice a week and out of each class picked 2 kids that needed this program. My DD went to see this counselor twice a week and got to pick a "friend" from class to go and meet with this counselor and they played games, and talked - my DD looked forward to it but it never developed any long term friendships...well as long term as they can be at that age. But it isn't offered for 3rd graders so I dont know. I always tell her how great I think she is, and even if she feels alone while in school I'm always thinking about her and missing her - okay now I'm crying.

I just think some people dont take these issues seriously because its not academic problems - but as a mother it hurts me to see her hurting in anyway shape or form. I hate that she feels lonely.

My younger dd does this at her school but they call it lunch bunch. She got to pick a small group of girls and once a week they meet with the social worker to have lunch, play games and chat. It has really helped my younger dd and the girls that are in her lunch bunch actually look forward to going with dd every week. Sadly I don't think it would go over well in the high school.

I've talked to her about counseling but it was her pediatrician we tried talking to about it and he laughed at her and said there was no way she had a hard time making friends. So that was it for her trusting talking to another adult.

 

[golfgal]

Thank you! It is so hard to watch her be so sad all the time. Adults don't seem to believe she has a problem with the other kids because she is a cheerleader and so pretty. I know some of the problem is because she is so painfully shy she comes off as "stuck up". That doesn't explain why her "friends" treat her the way they do.

My younger dd11 has Aspergers and has a hard time socially as well but I can come up with things to help her. She doesn't have a lot of friends but she has come a long way. I just wish I could come up with something to help my older dd at the very least figure out why she is treated the way she is.

Could she have Asperger's too?

 

[luvdzne]

Could she have Asperger's too?

I have thought of that also, but since she is on honor roll and other than the problems socially she doesn't "fit" the spectrum.

 

[asta]

I feel so sad that your daughter is having a tough time. My daughters have both had to put up with mean girls. It is so hard for me to understand what makes people think that it is OK to treat others this way. I like the advice about having her talk to a counselor/adolescent psychologist. Finding interests outside of school is another good suggestion. My daughter has become involved in Model UN and a Youth Legislative program that is run state-wide by the YMCA. These programs have worked wonders in her self-esteem. These programs have given her the opportunity to run for office and get leadership experience that she would never have received in her high school. Removed from the clique environment of her school, she has made friends with students from other schools. These may seem like minor things but the improvement in her self-esteem has been dramatic.

Words of wisdom from my 18 year old: mean people don't really ever change, you just learn as you get older to give them less importance in your life.

 

[golfgal]

I have thought of that also, but since she is on honor roll and other than the problems socially she doesn't "fit" the spectrum.

I don't know that much about Aspergers but I thought it was the more social end of Autism-meaning the issues they have are more social than academic, guess not. Keep an eye on her grades this year as she may have been able to hold things together up until now???

 

[java]

Well obviously she is hanging around with the wrong crowd. Does she do anything else besides cheer?
Are there other activities she is involved in? Cheerleaders can be a fickle bunch. I have a teenage son. I have seen girls stab each other in the back to try to look better in front of a boy.

There are a lot of girls in high school not on the cheer squad. She has to broaden her horizons I think. She can't make herself be popular. But she can find friends if she looks.

Can you encourage her to join something else? Girls can be terrible. My dd is only 12 but I am dreading the teen years. She has one friend that makes my skin crawl. Sometimes she's nice other times she's awful.

I hope your dd finds some new friends. By the way, Asperger's children are often very high on the academic range- so honor roll isn't something that rules it out.

 

[monkeybug]

You are correct in this. However you have to have good self esteem to have confidence. She didn't make cheer last year and it hit her pretty hard. When she made it this year she was so excited and thought things would go differently for her. She had a good boost of confidence until the other girls were ignoring her. I know some of this has to do with her shyness and some have to do with her "x friend". When we were at the game on Friday I was sitting behind her mother and overheard her talking about my dd to another mother saying how my dd should never have made it, she sucked...etc. Our girls have cheered together for years and when she didn't make it last year is pretty much when this girl turned on her and so did the mother I guess. I wanted to say something so bad but I knew it would make things worse for her.

I have tried to guide her on how to handle certain situations, but she doesn't like confrontation and will often just stand there taking how the girls are talking to her. That makes her an easy target.

What a tough spot to be in! I know to have confidence you have to have self esteem. I guess what I was trying to say is that it may feel like all those mean girls, and the x friend are what are squashing her self esteem, but it's not an external thing, it's an internal thing. (and I don't know if ANY teenage girl has that figured out yet) I would take her to a counselor, someone who has the qualifications to help her discover those great things about herself that have little to do with the outside world. Maybe mentoring would be good for her too?
I remember when I was in High School I hated confrontation (still do) and was very sensitive (still am). I cheered for my first year, and the next year I tried out and made the squad, but when it came time to pay for the uniforms and the rest of the fees, my parents told me that if I wanted to cheer I had to pay my way (they had the money, but wanted us to learn the value of it by paying our own way) I was mortified!!! I had to leave the squad I had practiced with for weeks! I lied and said I couldn't do it because it interfered with my dance classes. A lot of the girls stopped talking to me, and my best friend since Kindergarten was among them!!! It was horrible, and I had a rough time that year. I can't tell you how, or when, or why but I can tell you that today I have more self esteem than I should have, and I didn't have the supportive parents like it sounds like your daughter has!!! Today I'm proud as heck that I'm sensitive and non-confrontational! I think your daughter is going through the kind of thing most of us go through at that age. I think it's the kids who never have these kinds of difficulties you have to really worry about it! My friend from kindergarten who ditched me the moment my popularity dropped a few notches? She was beautiful and adored in high school, but she was adored for all the external things in life like money, and nice clothes, and popular friends. She has had a hard time in adulthood where those things don't matter nearly as much as what's on the inside! I'm glad I did my soul searching in high school and not after marriage and children and all the other high stress things in the "real" world!