parents to 2 or more - "fairness"

[ColoradoMom!!]

I think the "fair does not mean equal" is the best because it is really true.

When my younger one complained once that my older one got "more"of something or another, I said that I completely agree. He does have more, and it isn't fair - so you can sit here and do his hour of homework instead of the 15 mintues of yours because I would hate for you to be missing out!

 

[mumom95]

If there was one piece of advice both my mother and grandmother gave me when I had kids was to be as fair as possible when it came to siblings. They both said (and I have to say I have witnessed it myself) that there are plenty of sibling relationships destroyed by one parents favoritism over the other.

I don't always give my kids the same thing, but what I try to do is if I'm giving one kid what they want, then I also give the other kid what they want also. Sometimes that doesn't work. If we are going to go see a movie and they want to see two different movies, obviously they both won't get what they want. But I try and make sure if this time my son gets to pick the movie, my daughter will get to the next time. But, if one kid wants peanut butter and jelly for lunch, and the other wants bologna, I make them each what they want. Or on the flip side, at dinner I only cook one meal and they eat it or they choose not to eat, but those are the only two options they both get.

Life isn't fair, and having a sibling certainly helps teach you that. But I think the important thing to make sure they realize is that sometimes it isn't fair for them, and other times it isn't fair for the other person. But it should never always be unfair for one and not the other.

 

[PatsGirl]

I also agree that "life isn't always fair" but would pick my battles... At ages 2 and 6 they could most likely be eating the same meals couldn't they?

My SIL sends food for my nephew when he visits us. I keep telling her not to because he is expected to eat whatever I am making for DD12 who is the same age. Her typical lunch for him is a sandwich, two juice boxes, a bag of chips, a "goodie" and a piece of fruit. I don't mind her packing a sandwich because he can be very picky but come on' already, can't he drink the juice DD drinks and be happy with whatever I supplement the lunch with? We don't have chips in the house and we don't always have a "goodie" with lunch, and it bothers me that he is sitting there eating all this and DD doesn't have it so often I just don't let him have it either.

I know, she is 12 and this is not the big deal it used to be when they were 5 and 6 but I would still prefer to make things fair if it is an easy thing to do, which with lunches and such it is.

 

[DebIreland]

Hey vettechick, how've you been?

You know, in this case I think your niece might just be the teeniest bit jealous now that she doesn't have you all to herself. Before your dd came along (who is gorgeous btw!) I'm sure she felt, when you were babysitting her, she had your full attention. Now she has to share you. I'd say it's got very little to do with crackers and cheetos. lol!

 

[Erin1700]

I must be a bad mom then b/c I often make sure my kids age 2 and 8 have the same thing. It is more for the 2 yr old. Of course you cant be fair all the time. DD8 gets to do LOTS of things the baby can not. She also has lots of toys he can not have. BUT if I am getting them a popsicle, I get them the same color. If it is something they both want, I try really hard to make sure it is the same.
Like I said though, there are plenty of times this can not happen (DD wants to have popcorn while we watch a movie, I dont tell her no b/c the baby cant have any. he gets cheese curls)

 

[mjkacmom]

I have 5 close in age, and they learn, very early on, that life is not fair. When I hear "how come she gets to ______," I say "because she's our favorite, and we love her more." They get what I'm trying to say, which is, things will never always be fair, deal with it. I have to say, my kids are awesome with sharing (which I didn't realize until I spent a week with my sister and her kids...).

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, it doesn't sound like the OP is being "unfair" at all. One thing that is good about school/daycare is that not everyone gets the same food. They get over it and that's that. I wouldn't go out of my way to make things different for kids, but if that is how it works out (ie goldfish and cheetos) then that's just life and it's a fine time to try and explain that "life aint fair!" (which is totally my motto)

When I was a "kid" I fought with my two younger brothers over who got to ride shotgun. That is, until my mother decided that the rule was "oldest gets to pick first". Which rocked for me, but not so much for either of them. Hey, they still get $$ support from mom, guess who doesn't. And guess who got to own a mustang? Not me. Life isn't fair and that's that.

LOL - ds11 and dd12 do the shotgun thing. However, dd12 remembers to call it much more than ds11, so he's learned to say "I get the next shotgun!" They're both about the same size.

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh my gosh this sounds like my house! I've resorted to smiling and keeping the straightest face I can and saying "the reason I don't make him/her do it is because he's my favorite".

And they EACH get told the other siblings are the favorite equally...

works great here, too!

 

[Cool-Beans]

ITA with you Vettechick and hope that you feel this way when your child comes home saying how the other kids were favored.

"Life's not fair," and "Because I like him better than you," are sayings that my kids knew well.

Everything can't be even all the time.

 

[EthansMom]

In our house, I say, "Fair does not mean equal."

There are often times when I have one kid with me and not the other, but that doesn't stop me from taking the one child to get an ice cream cone on a hot day. And DS7 will often get a slightly bigger portion of a treat... but he's quite a bit bigger than DD so he does need more calories.

When it's reasonable to do so, I have the kids share equally. But when it doesn't work out that way, I don't worry about it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Being a mom of boy/girl twins, it seems this is something I've been dealing with for the past 11 1/2 years (and learned as I've gone along).

I try to be as equitable as possible, but we've all come to understand that everything can't always be completely "fair". The word itself actually kind of makes me cringe, and my kids know it's something I just don't want to hear. (Give me a break. )

I've found it to be a good time to talk about life lessons. "Do you think it's fair that boy's in a wheelchair?" That usually puts it into perspective for them.

I'm sure not everyone would handle it that way, but for me, I see how fortunate my kids have been and I want them to be able to appreciate that and not act like spoiled brats spouting off about what's not fair. So for me, it really has more far reaching implications than who got more candy or whatever. Life isn't always fair and you have to appreciate what you have.

 

[crz4mm2]

My kids were 7 years apart. I remember DS saying "what do I GET today" while we were at the grocery store, buying groceries and baby supplies. I said "we are buying groceries- that's what you get". He got all pouty and mad and I asked what was wrong.
He said "SHE gets diapers and special food. I NEED something!".

I explained that HE got special food etc when he was a baby and she will too.
He was sooo upset that it wasn't FAIR....

It never really got any better.

 

[vettechick99]

Hey Deb! So long since we chatted! Thanks - we are just so happy with DD.

There might actually be some truth to that. But also, DH and I talked last night and we think DD is super jealous of DN! She's been really clingy and has been my mini-me since she got here. In fact, at times she's almost been rude to DN - shutting the door on her and giving her mean looks. It's funny to see her act that way, but not a side I'm liking. I guess that's a 2YO for you!

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I have known moms that favored one child over the other in a more obvious way, and I know how hurt the other child was. The examples I can think of immediately involve mothers who favor their son over their daughter. I only had one child...but if I had more than one I think, due to my experience, I would make sure things were very equal. JMO.