Parents of College Freshman who are now Sophomores... UpDate 7/28/09

[mickeysgal]

So she then cried all the way home. I hear her in your voices. And the best thing I can remember from that day was something so true someone said - "as soon as your parents leave, you will be absolutely fine." So true! From the moment my parents drove off and I was alone, college became exciting and fun and wonderful.

...


Now I will send each and every one of you virtual hugs and stop feeling sorry for myself because in three weeks I have to send my DS off to 1st grade... You all sound like such wonderful parents!!!

Thank you - I needed to read something like this today.

DS is now starting to get edgy. Not only is he leaving a brand new girlfriend (who is going to be a senior in HS), he's now talking about coming home on weekends to work (he's a lifeguard). School is 4 hours away. He's trying to maintain the connections here and doesn't yet realize he needs to make the connections THERE.

I asked him if he's excited about going, and he admitted to being nervous and not all that excited at this point.

 

[Patricia]

Having a bit of a preview today. My daughter, who leaves on the 21st is at camp for the next 4 days. The house is now just my husband and son and me. Older daughter.. out of college.. far away and living her new life. Younger daughter starting out hers in college. This is how it's going to be from now on. Can't say I am liking it one bit.

 

[Amy]

I have read this whole thread - something about it compelled me and I have spent a lot of time remembering my first days of school. I stayed in the hotel with my parents the night before I moved in and I sobbed all night, positive I was going to die without my mom and dad. My mom kept it together and was super strong and happy about how wonderful it was going to be, how much fun I was going to have, etc. She said later that she knew I was going to be okay the next day when I hit it off with my roommate and a few other girls on my floor. So she then cried all the way home. I hear her in your voices. And the best thing I can remember from that day was something so true someone said - "as soon as your parents leave, you will be absolutely fine." So true! From the moment my parents drove off and I was alone, college became exciting and fun and wonderful.

Something my dad did for me that year that made such a huge sunshine for me that you may all want to think about: Right after I got back from Thanksgiving vacation, I received two packages. One was a 3 foot tall Christmas tree and the other included all the lights, ornaments, etc I needed to decorate it - right down to the star on top. But the best part? He sent me a Johnny Mathis Christmas Carols tape (yeah, tape not cd... ). It was a little bit of home in my dorm room and I kept it all with me for all four years. The best part? Dad did it all on his own - Mom didn't even know he sent it. I looked forward to every single letter and package - and even today when email makes communicating so easy, cards and packages should still be a huge deal.

Now I will send each and every one of you virtual hugs and stop feeling sorry for myself because in three weeks I have to send my DS off to 1st grade... You all sound like such wonderful parents!!!

Oh, thank you so much for this! You've made me feel so much better!

and I LOVE the idea of sending a small Christmas tree to their dorm as a surprise. My DS will probably think it's a "girl thing", but I'll betcha he'll enjoy it.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Wow, you all have me crying. I wish each one of your families the very best. My oldest DD is only starting high school this year. I'm already sad about 4 years from now when she is getting ready to leave for college.

Best of luck to all of you!!

 

[Amy]

Ok, I need to vent a little. Do you other moms find that the dads just don't seem to care about all this getting-ready-for-college stuff? My DH is driving me nuts!

When we first started the college process years ago, with SATs and "what do you think you might want to major in" and all that stuff, I asked DH for help with all this. I never went to college, so I have no experience with any of this stuff. (Plus, I do everything around the house - banking, bills, cleaning, laundry, groceries, keeping kids' schedules straight, etc., etc.) DH agreed.

But who ended up being the one to keep track of SAT deadlines, helping with online registration, looking up potential colleges on the internet, sending for info, helping DS with applications? ME! Who nagged DS to get online and apply for every scholarship he was eligible for? ME! I was the one who figured out how we could arrange the tuition payment plan and I'm the one who makes sure the money is in the account when the payments are due. And now, I've been the one whose brain is constantly working on "what stuff will DS need for college" and I've been buying things for the past 2 months and creating stacks in DS's room, and I'm the one who has to remind DS to check online to see what they're allowed and not allowed to have in their dorm rooms, reminding him to e-mail the food service folks to ask how they handle students with food allergies, make sure his roommate knows about his peanut allergy, etc. DH hasn't come up with anything in the way of "how can I help you get ready for college life"! He's driving me insane! The only thing DH voiced his opinion on was when DS got his AP scores and we were trying to decide if he should use AP credit and go straight to Calc II or stay in Calc I as a refresher, and I think that was only because DH said he almost failed Calc I when he was in college.

When I try to discuss this with DH, all he says is that DS is 18 now and HE should be taking responsibility for all this stuff, that we shouldn't be reminding him. And if DS screws up, well then he'll learn his lesson the hard way. I try telling him that this is all new to DS - he's our oldest so he never saw an older sibling getting ready for college - and DS needs our guidance.

Am I wrong? I don't DO things for DS, I just remind him of what he should do. Yes, I'm the one who goes out and buys stuff (because DS is usually working on weekends and on my day off), but DS makes out the list for me first.

Am I doing too much for him? Is DH right? This is soooo frustrating.

(Sorry.....I just needed to vent.)

 

[DJR]

Well, I'm a Dad, getting ready to send our only child (girl) off to Boston in 2 weeks. DW and I have divided up the responsibilities pretty evenly, except for the dorm shopping...can't do that It seems to have worked out pretty well so far and no one has gone nuts yet, but it's been close.

They will have plenty of opportunities to screw up once they get to school. We're just hoping she gets off to a good start, makes some friends and has some fun along with her studies. We've done everything we can for her up till now. For most of the rest, she will be on her own.

Hard to believe that 18 years have gone by so fast. Seemed just the other day we were sending her off to kindergarten for the first day. Guess we must be getting old.

 

[Lynn CC]

Amy- Husband's are there when you need them to be... read on

My son is going to be a senior this year in college (hard to believe). When he was going into his freshman year I "prepared" all summer long, buying things getting everything just so. Of course asking DS his opinion on red or blue and sometimes returning some things he didn't like. I read ALL the parental prep books that have ever been written (you can ask Sandy V I sent them to her after I read them so she could read them before her daughter went to college). I thought I was so together. This went on all summer as my DH watched me PILE things up in the extra room and check off lists.
When I look back I guess it's just how I kept busy to prepare to make the transition as easy as possible for him, and so I thought I had it all under control. I really drove my DH and DS nuts that summer with my planning.

When it was move-in weekend my DH was a rock while I was a mess. It was so great that he was there helping me try to cram all that stuff into a very small dorm room (we ended up taking about 4 tubs of the 10 huge ones I had packed home...I was devastated what if he needed that 14th pair of socks, and 8th pillowcase). He helped DS with everything and made him laugh, made sure he felt comfortable before we left, they are best buddies. It was hard for me to watch DH letting DS go...
I just remember him being very comforting, at possibly the worst day of my life (leaving my son behind at college after being with him for 18 years) it's just cruel and caught me off guard at how overwhelmed I felt. I'm usually the one that's got it all together, but mess with our "babies" and watch us fall apart.

That was just my experience, DS, DH and I are very close and it has gotten a lot easier to see him on his own and I'm happy knowing he's happy. I still feel like a part of me has to get used to not having him around. This is his second summer he's not home he's taking language courses year-round. After he graduates he goes to Japan for a year. Almost time to start "preparing" for that. lol

 

[madge]

Having a bit of a preview today. My daughter, who leaves on the 21st is at camp for the next 4 days. The house is now just my husband and son and me. Older daughter.. out of college.. far away and living her new life. Younger daughter starting out hers in college. This is how it's going to be from now on. Can't say I am liking it one bit.

we had that experience 2 weeks ago. DS went to a pre-orientation weekend at school, and the rest of us were at home. It wasn't awful ... but I could see how happy DD and DS were to see their brother when he got home. It's going to be terribly difficult for them when he leaves.

one thing we're planning on doing after DS leaves for college is what we're calling the "bedroom shuffle". LOL. Doing a big clean, letting DD and DS that are still at home switch rooms (younger DS is taking over older DS room, not sure where DD is moving, and older DS gets what's left. LOL) and make their new rooms bright and new. The kids are looking forward to something new, and it will give us all something to do!

 

[bluesaturn]

I'm going to be a college senior (wow that went fast!) and I just wanted to give some advice for the freshmen parents.

As other people have mentioned, encourage your child NOT to come home for the first few weeks. If neccessary, go visit them, take their friends out to dinner, then leave. As much as it hurts you, they need to start thinking of their dorm, and their college as home. I think this is especially true for those going to college relatively close to home. Myself and all of my friends attended in state schools. So many people got in the pattern of going home every weekend, and their dorms just became somewhere to sleep between classes. They need to feel comfortable at their school. Also, the best way to meet people is to just be there. So tell them you miss them, but don't ask them to come home for awhile. You also don't want to make them feel guilty that they want to stay at school. They are supposed to want to be there, that's a good sign!

If your child is religious, or attends services at home, encourage them to try out the appropriate services on campus. I'm Catholic and have always gone to church every Sunday. I found that the church associated with campus is great, it is really focused on college students. So suggest that they try it out, because it may be very different from what they attend at home. But remember, no nagging!

Be ready for phone calls and IM chats at very odd times. 1:30 in the afternoon when they are walking classes, or 11:45 at night. If you catch them when they are ready to talk, you may get a much better quality conversation.

When they do come home to visit, they will be ravenous. Feed them their favorites. Be ready for them to be even more messy and lazy than usual. After taking care of themselves for so long, all they want is some mothering. Not that they would ever admit that.

Good luck! Everyone will be fine!

 

[mamacatnv]

Ok, I need to vent a little. Do you other moms find that the dads just don't seem to care about all this getting-ready-for-college stuff? My DH is driving me nuts!

When we first started the college process years ago, with SATs and "what do you think you might want to major in" and all that stuff, I asked DH for help with all this. I never went to college, so I have no experience with any of this stuff. (Plus, I do everything around the house - banking, bills, cleaning, laundry, groceries, keeping kids' schedules straight, etc., etc.) DH agreed.

But who ended up being the one to keep track of SAT deadlines, helping with online registration, looking up potential colleges on the internet, sending for info, helping DS with applications? ME! Who nagged DS to get online and apply for every scholarship he was eligible for? ME! I was the one who figured out how we could arrange the tuition payment plan and I'm the one who makes sure the money is in the account when the payments are due. And now, I've been the one whose brain is constantly working on "what stuff will DS need for college" and I've been buying things for the past 2 months and creating stacks in DS's room, and I'm the one who has to remind DS to check online to see what they're allowed and not allowed to have in their dorm rooms, reminding him to e-mail the food service folks to ask how they handle students with food allergies, make sure his roommate knows about his peanut allergy, etc. DH hasn't come up with anything in the way of "how can I help you get ready for college life"! He's driving me insane! The only thing DH voiced his opinion on was when DS got his AP scores and we were trying to decide if he should use AP credit and go straight to Calc II or stay in Calc I as a refresher, and I think that was only because DH said he almost failed Calc I when he was in college.

When I try to discuss this with DH, all he says is that DS is 18 now and HE should be taking responsibility for all this stuff, that we shouldn't be reminding him. And if DS screws up, well then he'll learn his lesson the hard way. I try telling him that this is all new to DS - he's our oldest so he never saw an older sibling getting ready for college - and DS needs our guidance.

Am I wrong? I don't DO things for DS, I just remind him of what he should do. Yes, I'm the one who goes out and buys stuff (because DS is usually working on weekends and on my day off), but DS makes out the list for me first.

Am I doing too much for him? Is DH right? This is soooo frustrating.

(Sorry.....I just needed to vent.)

I know exactly what you are saying. My DH has been this way for awhile now and I really think it has a lot to do with my DH knowing that DS has a Mother and doesn't need 2. Also, I think that Dads view their sons very differently, by backing off and letting their sons sort it out, IMO, Dads feel like they are teaching their sons to be independent and to be leaders. I know my DH will miss him and I know my DH wants him to succeed but when it comes to anything that has to do with planning, forget it, if I don't do it, it does not get done.

 

[mamacatnv]

I'm going to be a college senior (wow that went fast!) and I just wanted to give some advice for the freshmen parents.

As other people have mentioned, encourage your child NOT to come home for the first few weeks. If neccessary, go visit them, take their friends out to dinner, then leave. As much as it hurts you, they need to start thinking of their dorm, and their college as home. I think this is especially true for those going to college relatively close to home. Myself and all of my friends attended in state schools. So many people got in the pattern of going home every weekend, and their dorms just became somewhere to sleep between classes. They need to feel comfortable at their school. Also, the best way to meet people is to just be there. So tell them you miss them, but don't ask them to come home for awhile. You also don't want to make them feel guilty that they want to stay at school. They are supposed to want to be there, that's a good sign!

If your child is religious, or attends services at home, encourage them to try out the appropriate services on campus. I'm Catholic and have always gone to church every Sunday. I found that the church associated with campus is great, it is really focused on college students. So suggest that they try it out, because it may be very different from what they attend at home. But remember, no nagging!

Be ready for phone calls and IM chats at very odd times. 1:30 in the afternoon when they are walking classes, or 11:45 at night. If you catch them when they are ready to talk, you may get a much better quality conversation.

When they do come home to visit, they will be ravenous. Feed them their favorites. Be ready for them to be even more messy and lazy than usual. After taking care of themselves for so long, all they want is some mothering. Not that they would ever admit that.

Good luck! Everyone will be fine!

Congrats on being a senior - thanks for the words of wisdom. I especially take note of chats and IM's at odd hours and being hungry and lazy.

 

[mamacatnv]

Is this odd?

DS received his roommate assignment via email from the Univ. about 3 weeks ago. He has called the kid twice and left messages. We have not heard from this roommate. The Univ. recommends the kids get into contact so that they can sort out appliances (who has fridge, who has micro). Of course there is really no other reason to get in touch, we just find it odd that DS has not heard a peep from his new roomie.

 

[madge]

Ok, I need to vent a little. Do you other moms find that the dads just don't seem to care about all this getting-ready-for-college stuff? My DH is driving me nuts!

When we first started the college process years ago, with SATs and "what do you think you might want to major in" and all that stuff, I asked DH for help with all this. I never went to college, so I have no experience with any of this stuff. (Plus, I do everything around the house - banking, bills, cleaning, laundry, groceries, keeping kids' schedules straight, etc., etc.) DH agreed.

But who ended up being the one to keep track of SAT deadlines, helping with online registration, looking up potential colleges on the internet, sending for info, helping DS with applications? ME! Who nagged DS to get online and apply for every scholarship he was eligible for? ME! I was the one who figured out how we could arrange the tuition payment plan and I'm the one who makes sure the money is in the account when the payments are due. And now, I've been the one whose brain is constantly working on "what stuff will DS need for college" and I've been buying things for the past 2 months and creating stacks in DS's room, and I'm the one who has to remind DS to check online to see what they're allowed and not allowed to have in their dorm rooms, reminding him to e-mail the food service folks to ask how they handle students with food allergies, make sure his roommate knows about his peanut allergy, etc. DH hasn't come up with anything in the way of "how can I help you get ready for college life"! He's driving me insane! The only thing DH voiced his opinion on was when DS got his AP scores and we were trying to decide if he should use AP credit and go straight to Calc II or stay in Calc I as a refresher, and I think that was only because DH said he almost failed Calc I when he was in college.

When I try to discuss this with DH, all he says is that DS is 18 now and HE should be taking responsibility for all this stuff, that we shouldn't be reminding him. And if DS screws up, well then he'll learn his lesson the hard way. I try telling him that this is all new to DS - he's our oldest so he never saw an older sibling getting ready for college - and DS needs our guidance.

Am I wrong? I don't DO things for DS, I just remind him of what he should do. Yes, I'm the one who goes out and buys stuff (because DS is usually working on weekends and on my day off), but DS makes out the list for me first.

Am I doing too much for him? Is DH right? This is soooo frustrating.

(Sorry.....I just needed to vent.)

sounds very similar to the scenario at my house.... so you aren't alone.

some would say we're doing too much. I don't feel like I am, though. I really don't. And I've stayed out of the business of class schedules and such. I'm just doing much of the same stuff I've done all of DS life. He could go out and buy a mattress pad, but he knows I'll pick a good one at the best price.

 

[madge]

Is this odd?

DS received his roommate assignment via email from the Univ. about 3 weeks ago. He has called the kid twice and left messages. We have not heard from this roommate. The Univ. recommends the kids get into contact so that they can sort out appliances (who has fridge, who has micro). Of course there is really no other reason to get in touch, we just find it odd that DS has not heard a peep from his new roomie.

Facebook search? That's how my DS and his roommate have been communicating.

 

[Green Tea]

Is this odd?

DS received his roommate assignment via email from the Univ. about 3 weeks ago. He has called the kid twice and left messages. We have not heard from this roommate. The Univ. recommends the kids get into contact so that they can sort out appliances (who has fridge, who has micro). Of course there is really no other reason to get in touch, we just find it odd that DS has not heard a peep from his new roomie.

Yep. Look on facebook. He could be out of town for the summer though.

 

[mamacatnv]

Facebook search? That's how my DS and his roommate have been communicating.

Yep. Look on facebook. He could be out of town for the summer though.

We Facebooked, MySpace and Googled - the boy does not exist that we can find. The phantom roommate. We know by the area code that he is here in N. Nevada somewhere, but it's a big area............oh well, move in day is in 12 days, the mystery should be solved by then. We are going to give it another week then we are going to buy both appliances and be done with it. If roomie surfaces he can buy the first couple of cases of energy drinks and cereal

 

[aprilvaca04]

I have read this whole thread - something about it compelled me and I have spent a lot of time remembering my first days of school. I stayed in the hotel with my parents the night before I moved in and I sobbed all night, positive I was going to die without my mom and dad. My mom kept it together and was super strong and happy about how wonderful it was going to be, how much fun I was going to have, etc. She said later that she knew I was going to be okay the next day when I hit it off with my roommate and a few other girls on my floor. So she then cried all the way home. I hear her in your voices. And the best thing I can remember from that day was something so true someone said - "as soon as your parents leave, you will be absolutely fine." So true! From the moment my parents drove off and I was alone, college became exciting and fun and wonderful.

Something my dad did for me that year that made such a huge sunshine for me that you may all want to think about: Right after I got back from Thanksgiving vacation, I received two packages. One was a 3 foot tall Christmas tree and the other included all the lights, ornaments, etc I needed to decorate it - right down to the star on top. But the best part? He sent me a Johnny Mathis Christmas Carols tape (yeah, tape not cd... ). It was a little bit of home in my dorm room and I kept it all with me for all four years. The best part? Dad did it all on his own - Mom didn't even know he sent it. I looked forward to every single letter and package - and even today when email makes communicating so easy, cards and packages should still be a huge deal.

Now I will send each and every one of you virtual hugs and stop feeling sorry for myself because in three weeks I have to send my DS off to 1st grade... You all sound like such wonderful parents!!!

Thanks and good luck with First grade-don't blink it all goes by too fast, enjoy and cherish every moment

Wow, you all have me crying. I wish each one of your families the very best. My oldest DD is only starting high school this year. I'm already sad about 4 years from now when she is getting ready to leave for college.

Best of luck to all of you!!

Yup...get ready time just seems to fly by faster the older they get

 

[cruisnfamily]

We Facebooked, MySpace and Googled - the boy does not exist that we can find. The phantom roommate. We know by the area code that he is here in N. Nevada somewhere, but it's a big area............oh well, move in day is in 12 days, the mystery should be solved by then. We are going to give it another week then we are going to buy both appliances and be done with it. If roomie surfaces he can buy the first couple of cases of energy drinks and cereal

Try www.pipl.com .

 

[Amy]

Amy- Husband's are there when you need them to be... read on

My son is going to be a senior this year in college (hard to believe). When he was going into his freshman year I "prepared" all summer long, buying things getting everything just so. Of course asking DS his opinion on red or blue and sometimes returning some things he didn't like. I read ALL the parental prep books that have ever been written (you can ask Sandy V I sent them to her after I read them so she could read them before her daughter went to college). I thought I was so together. This went on all summer as my DH watched me PILE things up in the extra room and check off lists.
When I look back I guess it's just how I kept busy to prepare to make the transition as easy as possible for him, and so I thought I had it all under control. I really drove my DH and DS nuts that summer with my planning.

When it was move-in weekend my DH was a rock while I was a mess. It was so great that he was there helping me try to cram all that stuff into a very small dorm room (we ended up taking about 4 tubs of the 10 huge ones I had packed home...I was devastated what if he needed that 14th pair of socks, and 8th pillowcase). He helped DS with everything and made him laugh, made sure he felt comfortable before we left, they are best buddies. It was hard for me to watch DH letting DS go...
I just remember him being very comforting, at possibly the worst day of my life (leaving my son behind at college after being with him for 18 years) it's just cruel and caught me off guard at how overwhelmed I felt. I'm usually the one that's got it all together, but mess with our "babies" and watch us fall apart.

That was just my experience, DS, DH and I are very close and it has gotten a lot easier to see him on his own and I'm happy knowing he's happy. I still feel like a part of me has to get used to not having him around. This is his second summer he's not home he's taking language courses year-round. After he graduates he goes to Japan for a year. Almost time to start "preparing" for that. lol

I know exactly what you are saying. My DH has been this way for awhile now and I really think it has a lot to do with my DH knowing that DS has a Mother and doesn't need 2. Also, I think that Dads view their sons very differently, by backing off and letting their sons sort it out, IMO, Dads feel like they are teaching their sons to be independent and to be leaders. I know my DH will miss him and I know my DH wants him to succeed but when it comes to anything that has to do with planning, forget it, if I don't do it, it does not get done.

sounds very similar to the scenario at my house.... so you aren't alone.

some would say we're doing too much. I don't feel like I am, though. I really don't. And I've stayed out of the business of class schedules and such. I'm just doing much of the same stuff I've done all of DS life. He could go out and buy a mattress pad, but he knows I'll pick a good one at the best price.

Thanks ladies - I don't feel so alone. I should have known DH would be this way; when mamacatnv mentioned about planning - DH doesn't know HOW to plan ANYTHING! Every vacation we've ever taken in our 24 years of marriage has been totally planned by me, and I mean totally. From where we go to when we go to what we do, it's all me. I'll print off stuff from the internet of things to do and ask DH to look at it and he never does. I guess by now I should know what he's like, but I keep hoping he'll surprise me and actually help me with something. Oh well; I'll get through it, and before I know it, it'll be time to start getting DS16 ready for college!

 

[Green Tea]

I asked my soon to be freshman how he felt about going. We talked at dinner last night. Ambivalent was the word he came out with. I thought he would have said excited. A surprising conversation. He is dreading the trip, which is 3 days driving. That may be what is making him less than excited. I asked if he is sorry he picked someplace so far away. He said once he gets there it will be worth it, but there is nothing fun about a long road trip.

I am kind of excited about the trip actually. I figure I will have the chance to tell him any advice that I've forgotten over the last 18 years.

He isn't being much of a participant in the packing/planning phase. He did promise me 2 days before he leaves he will pull the clothes he wants off his floor to pack.