Parents-do you explain to kids why you say no to something

[hereyago]

Besides the obvious-don't play with matches or you might get burned or don't go near the water's edge when there is an alligator it will get you,-lol but the you say no to someone spending the night or the kid wants to be taken some where and you say no-do you explain every time why you say no?

I don't, because I am the parent dang it!!!!! but I do know people who will explain why they said no to their 12 year old, seriously?!

 

[turkeymama]

It depends, but I do explain things more often than not. My daughter is very analytical and while I want her to respect my authority (hello, Southpark), I also want her to understand why I do the things I do. She doesn't normally argue with me about my explanations, which works out well for her since arguing with me results in punishments.

I'll give an example. I am not opposed to sleep-overs for my daughter. But there are some people I don't allow her to stay with and there are some I don't allow over here. I want her to understand why (i.e. parents of one friend smoke and DD has asthma so it would be unhealthy for her to stay there OR girl from softball team is disrespectful to coach, adults and teammates so I don't want her at my house.) My explanations are not always lengthy, they are usually simple and to the point.

 

[Sparx]

I'm not a parent (so everyone just stopped reading my post and scrolled down, but i'll keep answering anyway) but I think its probably important to explain why you feel certain ways about things. Not everything, of course. But definitely things that are safety concerns, like why they're not allowed to ride their bike wherever or something like that. I think a 12 year old is old enough to listen to (maybe not accept, but listen to) your reasoning for saying no, and it might even make them think about the situation in a different way and understand your reasoning.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think the older the kid, the more explanation they require. Although it's still best to keep it brief. It drives me nuts when I hear parents giving long explanations to the three and four year olds in my class. A quick, "No, we're not going to get ice cream after school" is sufficient for kids at that age no matter how much they plead and cry. Older kids can understand the reasons for doing or not doing certain things and a short, to the point explanation is often in order. However, if they've asked the same question over and over in hopes of wearing you down, I usually resort to courtroom mode: "Asked and answered!"

 

[taximomfor4]

For me, it depends on the situation. Sometimes I will explain, if I want the child to learn a lesson (like that parents prioritize too, esp about spending $ on something).

 

[hereyago]

(so everyone just stopped reading my post and scrolled down, but i'll keep answering anyway).

I almost spit my water out lol. And I do appreciated EVERYONE's opinion.



DD has a friend who is 12 and her DM explains in depth the simplest thing of saying no, a whole big explanation of why she can't go get a slurpee. However, at 12, just saying no-unless danger related consequence can happen-should be enough. Not a whole big explanation. Unfortunately, DD's friend asks me why I say no to things dd can't do or if the friend wants to come with us-I am sorry, but if I want to invite someone I will, but don't invite yourself.
Then I just look at friend and say no then she will ask why and I say because I am the adult, enough said.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

I almost spit my water out lol. And I do appreciated EVERYONE's opinion.



DD has a friend who is 12 and her DM explains in depth the simplest thing of saying no, a whole big explanation of why she can't go get a slurpee. However, at 12, just saying no-unless danger related consequence can happen-should be enough. Not a whole big explanation. Unfortunately, DD's friend asks me why I say no to things dd can't do or if the friend wants to come with us-I am sorry, but if I want to invite someone I will, but don't invite yourself.
Then I just look at friend and say no then she will ask why and I say because I am the adult, enough said.

I would say it depends. I'd say the adult reason works.

I knew someone that would go into these long explations for everything and anything with her 3 year old. I never saw a kids eye's glass over so many times in my life.

 

[pearlieq]

How else is a kid going to learn to reason through a decision if an adult doesn't explain it?

Also, it's kind of disrespectful to expect a kid to accept a "no" just because it comes from an adult. Unless the kid is obviously being whiny or annoying ("But whhhhhhyyyyy" after you've already explained) I think a kid is entitled to a simple explanation in most cases. Not an hour-long PowerPoint, but a simple "That's not in the budget right now" or "I'm tired and would prefer to relax instead of hosting guests tonight".

 

[krcit]

I think the older the kid, the more explanation they require. Although it's still best to keep it brief. It drives me nuts when I hear parents giving long explanations to the three and four year olds in my class. A quick, "No, we're not going to get ice cream after school" is sufficient for kids at that age no matter how much they plead and cry. Older kids can understand the reasons for doing or not doing certain things and a short, to the point explanation is often in order. However, if they've asked the same question over and over in hopes of wearing you down, I usually resort to courtroom mode: "Asked and answered!"

I agree with this. A few months ago my dd(15) wanted to go to a concert and I said no. I felt like she deserved an explanation b/c she is a really good kid and doesn't ask to do much. She understood my reasons(she didn't like them, lol but she understood them) and that was that.

 

[JessicaR]

I think I tend to over explain things because I got, because I'm the mother as an answer a few too many times.
I myself like explanations so I figure my kids may also.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

how else is a kid going to learn to reason through a decision if an adult doesn't explain it?

Also, it's kind of disrespectful to expect a kid to accept a "no" just because it comes from an adult. Unless the kid is obviously being whiny or annoying ("but whhhhhhyyyyy" after you've already explained) i think a kid is entitled to a simple explanation in most cases. Not an hour-long powerpoint, but a simple "that's not in the budget right now" or "i'm tired and would prefer to relax instead of hosting guests tonight".

ita!

 

[emer95]

How else is a kid going to learn to reason through a decision if an adult doesn't explain it?

Also, it's kind of disrespectful to expect a kid to accept a "no" just because it comes from an adult. Unless the kid is obviously being whiny or annoying ("But whhhhhhyyyyy" after you've already explained) I think a kid is entitled to a simple explanation in most cases. Not an hour-long PowerPoint, but a simple "That's not in the budget right now" or "I'm tired and would prefer to relax instead of hosting guests tonight".

Totally agree with this!

Sometimes I give an explanation, sometimes I don't. It depends on if it's warranted or not. I would never declare "no explanations given- ever!" just because I'm the adult. That's silliness.

 

[hereyago]

Unless the kid is obviously being whiny or annoying ("But whhhhhhyyyyy" after you've already explained).

This is it right here. the parent has said no and once again it is a simple thing, no life threatening thing, the girl will pout and go why- then the DM will say because we can't tonight or not right at this moment and then the girl will go brat out. It is not cute when a 12 yr old crosses their arms and pouts-so when the girl is in college and asks a professor and the professor says no then girl wants to pull that stuff and the professor makes her look dumb in class or tells her to leave.

At what point does the person learn not to expect a explanation if she can't get her way?

 

[luvmy3]

I explain (not over explain) because to me "because I said so", or "because I'm the adult" isnt really the reason why I am saying no. If they want to know why, I think my kids deserve to hear the reason

 

[Bunnyfeather]

I give an explanation almost every single time, why I said no and often why I said yes. My kids are 2 and 4. I want them to learn to think, to learn to solve problems, to learn to make good decisions. So I model the decision process. And sometimes instead of answering a question (Can I go jump in the mud puddles? asked while wearing new sandals and a Sunday dress) I turn it back on my 4-year-old and ask her what my answer is likely to be and why I might answer that way.

At the end of the day, I am in charge and even if the child doesn't like the explanation, the child is required to abide by the parent decision without pitching a fit. But I see no reason why my kids don't deserve a simple explanation, and I think the explanation helps them learn. Similarly, I know a lot of parents who do not allow any questions to a driective. My children are allowed to politely request one more turn on the slide or whatever as long as they request without whining and using manners and abide by my response either way without whining. Again, I think that teaches them to think and sometimes they come up with quite clever negotiations that meet everyone's needs better than my original directive.

Now, my explanation of why no Slurpee wouldn't be long or involved and if my child whined or argued or kept begging, then there would be a single warning and then a consequence of some sort. By age 12 I would expect not to have to do that, they should have learned better by then.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

It drives me nuts when I hear parents giving long explanations to the three and four year olds in my class.

That's how my DH and my brother are. OMG, they are 4, you lost them after the 5th word!

I will explain things to the boys because they are older, but to DD it's "no, because I said so."

The other day the boys wanted something and I said no, we don't have the money. To which they responded just go to the machine and get more. So, yeah that needed explaining and then we went to the bank for a field trip and opened savings accounts. Now they understand that you can't spend money you don't have.

 

[hereyago]

Or this for example: DD went with another friend to a youth group function. DD was a guest and only 1 guest was allowed.

DD's friend called the other girl to see if she could go, the friend's mom in the background said no only 1 guest allowed. DD's friend wanted me to call the other mom and ask why only 1 guest was allowed, um no.

 

[pearlieq]

At what point does the person learn not to expect a explanation if she can't get her way?

Never. I expect a rational explanation when someone denies me a reasonable request.

With respect to the girl, the pouting, whining, and bratting need to be dealt with. Those are definitely not OK, especially at her age.

But asking why is OK in my book, and I think she's entitled to a brief sensible answer. Ideally, what she's supposed to do is learn from it.

Here's one scenario:

Kid: Can Tiffany come over after dinner today?
Mom: No.
Kid: Why not?
Mom: Because I said so!
Kid thinks to self: My mom is so mean! She always tells me no for no good reason!

Or, the alternative:

Kid: Can Tiffany come over after dinner today?
Mom: No. You need to take a bath and do your spelling words after supper today. There isn't enough time to do that and play with Tiffany.
Kid: Oh. OK. How about Saturday after I finish my homework?

With any luck, after years and years of similar conversations, the kid learns the lesson the Mom was teaching about priorities and time management.

Or, at least, parents cling to that hope...

 

[Bunnyfeather]

OMG, they are 4, you lost them after the 5th word!

Really? I'd say they are more open to discussions of why at 4 than they will be at 12 when they know everything. I say get the idea in their head now that thinking about decisions and discussing decisions is normal and a good idea. My 4-year-old has long conversations with me about how things work, and she is not particularly ahead of her peers in understanding. Even my toddler, when I asked HIM yesterday why I had picked him up and not let him walk replied through his tears "because I wuhn't hode your hand in da stweet and I cooda got squished!"

The explanation doesn't take the place of or change the decision. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out and it can be elaborated on later when there is more time. How does that hurt anything?

And both my kids know that the ATM will only give you money you already earned at your job. So I guess my over-explaining has had some benefits.

 

[dislaney]

Mine are older so I explain sometimes when I say no. Other times I give them the it's because I said so that I said I wouldn't say when I was a parent.