Parents-do you explain to kids why you say no to something

[Becky2005]

I think there are 2 different scenerios going on here from what I'm reading. I think the question really is do you need to explain to your child's FRIEND the reason you say no for something to them.

So, if they call and say "Can I join you for dinner?" -- you want to be able to say "No, not tonight" end of discussion no need to go into lengthly detail as to why tonight would not be a good night for them to come to dinner. I mean what if the reason is that "last time this particular child was here for dinner they ate with their hands and raided the cabinets without asking, I don't want them to come over here again for dinner". Are you really going to say that vs. just a "No, not tonight" answer?

 

[bumbershoot]

Why would you NOT give a reason for your decisions?

I've found that when I don't want to give a reason, and when I go the "because" or "because I said so" route it's because I really do NOT have a reason, or my reasons are bogus, or they are because i"m tired, lazy, whatever...the reasons aren't pretty and don't look good, don't make ME look good...and that's why I don't want to give them.

I would never declare "no explanations given- ever!" just because I'm the adult. That's silliness.

Yep.

This is it right here. the parent has said no and once again it is a simple thing, no life threatening thing, the girl will pout and go why- then the DM will say because we can't tonight or not right at this moment and then the girl will go brat out. It is not cute when a 12 yr old crosses their arms and pouts-so when the girl is in college and asks a professor and the professor says no then girl wants to pull that stuff and the professor makes her look dumb in class or tells her to leave.

At what point does the person learn not to expect a explanation if she can't get her way?

YOu really think that a situation with a 12 year old is going to translate into her being kicked out of a college class? There's not going to be any other learning between 12 and 18?

Or do you think a prof isn't going to GIVE a reason to whatever they are saying "no" to? I've had profs with "no gum" rules, and even they gave the reason..."because it makes me insane and I can't teach with a bunch of cows chewing their cud in my classroom". Good reason!

DD's friend called the other girl to see if she could go, the friend's mom in the background said no only 1 guest allowed. DD's friend wanted me to call the other mom and ask why only 1 guest was allowed, um no.

While I don't think you're obliged to call the other parent back, it's a good question. There is no reason to NOT know the answer to this. I'm now curious; why was it only 1 guest? Look at the post on the CB about "should I have invited husband's coworkers' spouses to this private party I'm giving"...people WANT TO KNOW why they aren't invited to things. Even adults.

But it's the friend's parent's place to answer that question, not yours.

Really? I'd say they are more open to discussions of why at 4 than they will be at 12 when they know everything. I say get the idea in their head now that thinking about decisions and discussing decisions is normal and a good idea. My 4-year-old has long conversations with me about how things work, and she is not particularly ahead of her peers in understanding. Even my toddler, when I asked HIM yesterday why I had picked him up and not let him walk replied through his tears "because I wuhn't hode your hand in da stweet and I cooda got squished!"

The explanation doesn't take the place of or change the decision. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out and it can be elaborated on later when there is more time. How does that hurt anything?

And both my kids know that the ATM will only give you money you already earned at your job. So I guess my over-explaining has had some benefits.

I totally agree with you.

Sure, sometimes my now-5 year old, almost-6 year old, zones out, so I'll either stop OR get his attention, reminding him that HE asked the question... If I just stop, he'll usually stop zoning and remind me that I was talking. He likes answers. And it helps show him how to give ME answers, too.

 

[hereyago]

Or do you think a prof isn't going to GIVE a reason to whatever they are saying "no" to? I've had profs with "no gum" rules, and even they gave the reason..."because it makes me insane and I can't teach with a bunch of cows chewing their cud in my classroom". Good reason!

This is more like it, but I also feel there seems to be entitlement of more explanation after something is all ready said. I can't imagine my boss saying no to me for something and then me telling her i expect for her to explain why she said no.



While I don't think you're obliged to call the other parent back, it's a good question. There is no reason to NOT know the answer to this. I'm now curious; why was it only 1 guest? Not sure why is was 1 guest only allowed, maybe transportation issues as they were going to go someplace from the church.

But it's the friend's parent's place to answer that question, not yours.


But if it is said that only 1 guest allowed, honestly what more explanation should there be? Not a big investigation is necessary, just saying.

If I say no and I explain that I am tired, or whatever, that to me should be it, end of discussion.

 

[hereyago]

I think there are 2 different scenerios going on here from what I'm reading. I think the question really is do you need to explain to your child's FRIEND the reason you say no for something to them.

So, if they call and say "Can I join you for dinner?" -- you want to be able to say "No, not tonight" end of discussion no need to go into lengthly detail as to why tonight would not be a good night for them to come to dinner.

Exactly. In a previous post I wrote that I said because I am an adult, which is because i know from experience that this girl will keep on and I just don't deal with that. The youth group thing when she wanted me to call, she said the other girls mom was mean because she couldn't go as if the other girl's mom could somehow sneak her in or something.

She honestly is a good kid and good friend, but it is very different from what dd does or reacts.

Then I thought of another girl, younger, with the explaining. The girl was 6 at the time and she had percocious puberty and her arms pits smelled like an onion field-no flames this is according to her mom-BUT her mom felt a need instead of saying we need to get you some deodorant to wear, told her about all the body parts and functions and you have to be married before you can have a baby, I am sure the kid's head was spinning from that. Too much explanation on 60 seconds flat.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

This is more like it, but I also feel there seems to be entitlement of more explanation after something is all ready said. I can't imagine my boss saying no to me for something and then me telling her i expect for her to explain why she said no.

Again, really? Because I certainly do expect explanations and clarifications from my boss and I know how to ask for them respectfully and with no offense. And while I am a degreed professional today, I never had a problem getting clarification or explanation of a rule or directive when I was a junior secretary in my first adult job or even when I was scooping ice cream and babysitting as a teen. If the answer is no at work, I need to know why it is no so that I know for next time and so that I can make a plan B that works instead of putting a lot of effort into something else that also won't work!

It is primarily through asking me questions that my child will learn how to seek information respectfully and effectively. That is a crucial survival skill. I don't think it is safe to teach a child to blindly obey, as not everyone will necessarily always have your child's best interests at heart.

 

[pepperw23]

However, if they've asked the same question over and over in hopes of wearing you down, I usually resort to courtroom mode: "Asked and answered!"

Oooohhh, I like it!

 

[Bunnyfeather]

She honestly is a good kid and good friend, but it is very different from what dd does or reacts.

Then I thought of another girl, younger, with the explaining. The girl was 6 at the time and she had percocious puberty and her arms pits smelled like an onion field-no flames this is according to her mom-BUT her mom felt a need instead of saying we need to get you some deodorant to wear, told her about all the body parts and functions and you have to be married before you can have a baby, I am sure the kid's head was spinning from that. Too much explanation on 60 seconds flat.

For 60 seconds, sure. Too much new information in too short a timeframe. But again, my preschooler has been introduced over time in answer to questions to the same concepts at a very basic level. As her questions mature, we can build on the basics she learned earlier. Young kids are inquisitive, if you tell a kid that yesterday she didn't need deoderant and today she does, she is going to want to know why. Why wouldn't she deserve answers to her questions about her own body? If her parents don't provide the answers, she will find less dependable answers elsewhere.

 

[hereyago]

Again, really? Because I certainly do expect explanations and clarifications from my boss and I know how to ask for them respectfully and with no offense. And while I am a degreed professional today, I never had a problem getting clarification or explanation of a rule or directive when I was a junior secretary in my first adult job or even when I was scooping ice cream and babysitting as a teen. If the answer is no at work, I need to know why it is no so that I know for next time and so that I can make a plan B that works instead of putting a lot of effort into something else that also won't work!

It is primarily through asking me questions that my child will learn how to seek information respectfully and effectively. That is a crucial survival skill. I don't think it is safe to teach a child to blindly obey, as not everyone will necessarily always have your child's best interests at heart.

Ok, of your boss says no and you say may I ask why and the boss says because we can't or they don't want to do it that certain way ,are you then going to keep on about it because you didn't like the answer or because you didn't get your way?
Or imagine that a person is pouty and acts less then stellar when told no and the boss says no we won't be doing that not enough funds-that should be enough explanation-but pouty demands more, is that going to go over well in the adult work sector? I don't think so. I also have a boss that at a meeting said we could ask questions and someone spoke up and asked a question, it wasn't bad or disrespectful, but boss was not happy and fired him on the spot.

If I tell the friend she can't spend the night because dd is having another girl over who they don't get along, and i tell her it is such and such and such and such and dd haven't seen in each other in awhile and dd needs time with other friends, wouldn't you agree that should be enough explanation?

 

[hereyago]

For 60 seconds, sure. Too much new information in too short a timeframe. But again, my preschooler has been introduced over time in answer to questions to the same concepts at a very basic level. As her questions mature, we can build on the basics she learned earlier. Young kids are inquisitive, if you tell a kid that yesterday she didn't need deoderant and today she does, she is going to want to know why. Why wouldn't she deserve answers to her questions about her own body? If her parents don't provide the answers, she will find less dependable answers elsewhere.

This 6 year old was at dr.s office for usual check up, she didn't notice she was smelling less then fresh, but when she took off her shirt, her mom smelled the onion thing and the mom talked about it with the dr. yes, the girl can ask why she needs deodorant, but to go from you need deodorant to you have to be married to have a baby in the same conversation is a bit much.

 

[JC2]

I do give a simple explanation to our children when I say "No". If I don't, they don't understand and will continue to ask for the same thing under the same circumstance over and over again. Our children are 3 and 4, and I try to show them as much respect as I can. This works for us.

 

[scrapquitler]

I often do explain,but sometimes the explanation is nothing more than "Because I said so!"

 

[pearlieq]

Ok, of your boss says no and you say may I ask why and the boss says because we can't or they don't want to do it that certain way ,are you then going to keep on about it because you didn't like the answer or because you didn't get your way?

No, but I am going to think my boss is a tool and count that as one of the reasons why I want a new boss or a new job.

For what it's worth, I don't think anyone but your own kid deserves an explanation. That friend sounds like a real PITA!

 

[golfgal]

If they ask why, then yes, I will tell them why. I don't get into lengthy discussions about it but I do respect that they have the right to know why. If they ask to go to Dairy Queen and I say no, they don't usually ask why. If they ask to have a sleepover and I say no they usually ask why and I will tell them "you have to get up early for Church" or "we are going to Grandma and Grandpa's in the morning" or "you are tired and crabby now, you don't need a sleepover" and that is about it.

I had a friend when the kids were little that would 'reason' with her kids over EVERYTHING . It got to the point that I couldn't go over to their house any more because I didn't want to listed to a 1/2 hour discussion on why you can't have a bowl of ice cream 10 minutes before dinner.

 

[shortbun]

Most of the time, when a new issue arises, I explain. I expect to be explaining more because we're going into high school and the requests should be getting more raucous! lol!

 

[scrapbookworm]

I think that it is reasonable to want an explanation...unless I've already explained it once. Then if my child is whining over and over, I firmly tell her No, I'm not explaining it again.

 

[MAKmom]

Besides the obvious-don't play with matches or you might get burned or don't go near the water's edge when there is an alligator it will get you,-lol but the you say no to someone spending the night or the kid wants to be taken some where and you say no-do you explain every time why you say no?

I don't, because I am the parent dang it!!!!! but I do know people who will explain why they said no to their 12 year old, seriously?!

I explain why I'm saying no because I respect my children as people. I do not explain why I'm saying no to the dog.

 

[torinsmom]

I do give explanations. I got a lot of "Because I said so!" and "Because I'm the dad!" when I was growing up and I don't want to do things that way. If I say no about something that is small, like "Can I get some candy?", I may not elaborate, but if I am answering a question like "Why do I have to wear this dorky bike helmet", I will be sure to explain. Otherwise, when I am not around, my child may think--Well, I have to wear a bike helmet because mom says so, but mom's not here, so I don't have to wear it now.


I explain as a teacher as well. If I move a child at lunch, and they ask why, I will tell them, "You were talking loudly and I warned you three times to quiet down. Now you will sit beside me and eat in silence." Sometimes, I will just ask if the child knows why I made them move, and I don't need to explain. Explaining appropriately for a child's developmental level is a great thing to help them with decision making and rationalizing situations on their own. To me, its no different than teaching problem solving skills to kids at a young age. We teach the kids to talk to the person they are having trouble with, and then take turns talking until they can resolve the problem. I teach 4 and 5 year olds, and it is so funny to see two 4 year olds having a problem and a 5 year old walk over and saying things like "Tell Mike how that made you feel, Sally." LOL

Now, if the child is whining or pouting, I will tell them to take a deep breath and ask me their question in a regular voice. I don't do whiny.

Marsha

 

[NMAmy]

If I say no and I explain that I am tired, or whatever, that to me should be it, end of discussion.

So you do give an explanation then?

If a child repeatedly asks why after being given an explanation, then my guess is that they've learned from past experience that constant nagging will cause the parent to give in. That's not caused by giving an explanation but by not standing firm.

I also have a boss that at a meeting said we could ask questions and someone spoke up and asked a question, it wasn't bad or disrespectful, but boss was not happy and fired him on the spot.

Jeez, where the heck do you work?

Yes, I gave dd an explanation as to why I said no. It wasn't some long lengthy explanation but I wanted her to be able to make her own decisions using reasoning skills and the knowledge of consequences when she was older.

Sometimes I even found that when she asked me why that I didn't really have a good reason and I might rethink my no. I'm not perfect and sometimes I found that my initial reaction wasn't really the best or most reasonable one.

 

[pyrxtc]

I will give an explanation if I think it is necessary but not everything requires one. I know my kids are smart enough to figure out why I'm saying no since it is usually a question that they have asked a million times before.

Explanations don't bother me so much. My mother wants me to ask my kids to do stuff instead of telling them. It is not something she ever did but has been reading the baby books. I told her no, I do not intend to give my children the option of telling me no when that is not an option. If I say "go do" then they know it needs to be done. If I say say " Will you go do" then that gives them an option to do or say no. Saying no is not an option and I will not give that opportunity to my kids because I am not making a request. I do not want to get mad at them saying no when I could just say " do it" and they will.

 

[luvmy3]

[/B]
I explain why I'm saying no because I respect my children as people. I do not explain why I'm saying no to the dog.