Parenting Rules and lack of - please help me understand

[smiths02]

I had very few rules growing up. My mom just had to know where I was.


There is NO WAY we would be that permissive for my children, but I am a pretty functional adult. I have no mental disorders, no criminal history, my husband and I support ourselves without assistance, I have never used any drug (never even smoked pot), I only drink alcohol a few times a year. I have been married to my one and only for almost 12 years.

 

[scrapquitler]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

I have always told my kids that different families have different rules, and that's just the way it is. We have some of those same rules you do, and other things that you mentioned we are much more lax than you are. And we are probably stricter about other things that you might not be.

My kids HAVE watched horror movies and played a lot of those video games that you have probably prohibited, even at a young age. But they watch/play them with their Dad, and they know the difference between reality and fiction, and I don't see any behaviors or tendency to do those things in real life. That doesn't mean that we don't know what they are doing or that we are lazy parents.

I won't judge you if you don't judge me, okay?

 

[scrapquitler]

Both my children DS8 and DD13 are polite and respectful , they also watch and play video games such as COD halo and GTA ect. Both of my children have their own computers DD has a smartphone and DS has an iPod touch. My children do not cuss at people or act in a harmful way they just enjoy the games their dad and uncle enjoy. I think that as long as you teach your children respect for them selfs and others a video game or TV show is not going to turn them into disrespectful kids who get into trouble. It is not the video games computer or TV showers that do this it is parents not spending time and teaching their children.

You said it a lot better than I could have!

 

[MSSANDRA]

you may want to guild your son towards friends that families have values similar to your family values. Not to say that you would want to forbid friends that are allowed more freedom, but it's much harder when you know that if your child is at someone 's home that allows games you forbid your child to play. We have rules and boundaries and always have and will. the games were the biggest challenge with my now grown son as he was very much into the games. We were firm in grammar school and he was allowed to play NO mature games. In middle school we would not allow them in our home, but he could decide if he wanted to play them at other peoples homes. As he grew older, we allowed them in our home but would not purchase them. I do get the older sibling thing as we have a 6 and 21 year old. He does get to do more than the older one did but we are still pretty strict on most things. Bedtimes were enforced and they knew the rules. Oldest DS is a Junior at collage with a social work major and just a great young adult so we did something right!!!!!!

 

[LilyWDW]

I don't think you truly want to understand.

As with all things in life, it would do you well to remember this:

You way is best for you but that is no sign it is the best for another.

Just keep doing you, and try and keep from judging those who do things differently.

Do what you feel is right for you. Remember though, just because others do not do the same doesn't mean your way is "better" then their way.

 

[jdcthree]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

Some parents are lazy and some don't think there is anything wrong with the things you mentioned. I don't think you are at all strict. You should hear my rules.

 

[luvmy3]

my almost 10 year old ds is allowed to watch some R rated movies and he is allowed to play some rated M games. Dh and I make that decision based on what we feel is appropriate for our kids. We always check the reviews (commonsensemedia.org), watch videos of game play on youtube, and use our own knowledge of movies we have seen. We don't say yes to everything, and when we do allow something, its not because we are lazy or don't care. Our youngest is also our 3rd, and he does have more freedom than the 2 before him did. Its not a pass, its the way we choose to parent him based on our experiences with the first two we had.
Having said that, we do not allow those games or movies when friends are over. I know there are parents who aren't as liberal as we are so I would never make the decision to let their child play/watch certain things.

ETA My kids have always had a "loose" bed time. It works for us.

 

[crisi]

One of the things I've discovered is that this sort of thing really depends on who else is in the house. Older siblings who play video games (for whom it is more appropriate) or watch rated R movies generally means that the younger kids get to do it as well - even if the parents were strict with the oldest. If Dad plays video games, then the house plays video games.

Around here, we have lots of hunters, and I know that if Dad hunts, they are taking kids out with rifles from a young age. Not something I would do, but we aren't a hunting family. My son, however, has friends who have been shooting real guns from the time they were five or six.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I don't think playing violent video games makes kids bad. Ds15 is very respectful, I've never heard him curse once, he's never talked back, he's in all honors classes (always has been - GT program when younger), and plays varsity soccer (before HS, played baseball and basketball, as well).

As for bedtimes, we tried to let him police himself (dd17 hasn't had a bedtime in years, has a 4.3 GPA, and has never been in a bit of trouble). However, he has learned that he needs us to police him more, so he now has an 11 pm bedtime. I find all children have different needs. He has soccer practice Saturday mornings (unless he is reffing soccer games), and teaches CCD 9 am on Sundays, so staying up too late makes for a bad weekend.

My younger kids go to bed at 10. My girls don't even get home from dance until 9:30/9:45, and ds10 has soccer practice 4 nights a week. Fortunately, they are at straight A students (GT program as well), and don't need to get up until 7:30.

So, I don't think staying up late and playing video games turns kids into monsters. Back in the day, my kids had an 8 pm bedtime, but with all of the extracurricular activities, that is impossible. What works for one family might not work for another.

I think it all depends on the children so parents make the rules that they feel they need for their particular child. There are no set rules that work for every child.

I have 5 children. My oldest 3 were allowed to play some rated M video games. My youngest two are not even allowed to watch them (ages 12 and 9) because they started swearing from the games. I took them away immediately and told them they couldn't play them until they are older. Also, my 9 year old has ODD and is aggressive so I try to minimize his exposure to violence to keep his violent tendencies in check.

I actually had a family member make fun of me for that, saying that video games weren't real and I was being ridiculous. That there's no way he's going to get a gun and start shooting people. She lets her son play whatever he wants.

My point is, I know my children best and I know what rules they need. If you don't like them, keep your kid at your house.

 

[SEA333]

Different parenting philosophies. It's that simple. Going further, parents allow (or don't allow) behaviors and activities that they themselves model. Why do you think the mean girls at school always have that perfect, queen-bee mother? Why do you think that the super-competitive football quarterback's dad is the one getting kicked out of the game for yelling at the ref? ANd the quiet little bookworm's mom is always in the back of the room at open house and never volunteers for leading the class party?

Soooo, that being said, most parents pick and choose the things to be strict about that are the most important to them.

My kids are 13, 9, and 7 1/2.

In my house, we choose to be very strict about homework, being to practices on time, following through with a commitment, being kind, being honorable, and always exibiting integrity. We are HUGE on respect, and all three of my kids understand that teachers, coaches, and others are heros and deserve to have students/kids who try their best and make their job easy. It is non-negotiable. They say please, May I, and thank you withouot being prompted. They hold doors for people. They look people ini the eye when they talk to them and greet people when they see them, which is more than I can say for the majority of kids out there that just ignore my kids when they say hi.

I could care less where my kids sleep - if they want to camp out in the same room, that is fine with me as long as they go to sleep. They do not have a set bedtime, although I TRY to get the younger two in bed by 8-8:30pm on school nights. Weekends are sooo much more lax as long as they don't have an early game the next day. We never have had rules about TV time as long as their homework is done, but then again, my kids are always at sports or activities, so when they ARE home able to relax and watch TV, I kind of let them LOL. I do not like gang violence or shooting kind of movies, but my kids have watched all of the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars movies, and Hunger Games since there is a HUGE social message there. I have read all three books, so I am not sure I will let DS7 watch the next two until I see them first. However, I will NEVER rule out a movie or game based on the rating alone - that is SILLY. (see??!!! different views!)

As a comparison, I have a SIL who let's her kids watch TV on TV night only. They have a different "movie" night for pre-selected, G-Rated movies. They have family game night, which apparently is the only time they can play board games, according to my 13 year old who tried to play one once when he was there on non-game night. LOL She doesn't allow them to play outside alone, ride their bikes without her, or go to friends houses.

Yet, her kids are WILD. And have no respect for authority or other people's belongings. We were at an event together once, waiting, and the 10 year old was throwing rocks at the metal siding of the building. DH and I both told him to stop, his parents did nothing, and he continued to do it, looking at both DH and I with a defiant look. Oooohhh- kayyyyy. Whatever. Her kids are 12, 10, and 3.

 

[SEA333]

Welcome to the "mean parents" club. Pull up a chair and enjoy some support.

DS is 13. We have similar beliefs and rules in our home. His friends all play the newest Black Ops games, swear openly with adults around, stay up all night, some don't even stop to say hello and such. We always taught both kids manners and have restrictions. Even at 13, bed time is 9:30 (unless there is a special event or something occasionally). I hear all the time that everyone else gets to stay up until midnight.

DS is on the honor roll every quarter, plays sports and is caring and respectful. When he becomes an adult, he'll look back and appreciate the restrictions (and does understand they are important now, but doesn't really see long term) and values he was given. Hopefully he'll pass those along to my future grandchildren!

Keep to your guns and continue doing a great job raising those kids!

And, case in point, my 13 year old DS is a National Junior Honors Society Member, gets almost straight A's in all classes (usually a B+ or B every now and then in Language Arts, which he hates!), including advanced Spanish and 10th grade-level Honors Algebra (he is in 8th), is the captain of his football team this year, helps a disabled neighbor with her garbage every week, volunteers at the library in the summer, holds doors for everyone, offers to help everyone who is carrying things, is respectful and kind to everyone, and stands up for kids who can't/won't stand up for themselves - ie. makes sure the special needs kids are included in Friday Fun Night at school, or invites them to sit with him on the bus for field trips.

And he stays up till whenever he is tired on the weekends (and frankly, the weeknights, too...he will usually go to bed around 10pm or so, after getting home from a 2-hour football practice, eating, showering, and finishing homework), plays (some) M-rated X-box games with friends on X-Box LIVE, and is allowed to walk to friends' houses after school or have (pre-approved) friends at our house after school.

You are not doing anything wrong, but wow! What different worlds our boys live in, yet they are oddly similar.....

Proof that different parenting styles can work. I think child temperment has a LOT more to do with how each kid responds to different parenting.

 

[jaiminee krikit]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

I don't get it either! My SIL allows her 11-year-old son to watch and play and do whatever he wants - he rarely gets told "No", and if he does, he knows it's only a matter of time until his mother changes her mind. Drives me bonkers!!!
I babysat him and his 2 younger brothers for a year after school 1-2 times a week (and had my 10-year-old DD with). I could not believe the TV programs they would turn on while I was there. I was watching one of them with them and after 2 minutes I made them turn it off. Some days they would want to play Wii. I said "Only a game where you can all play or can take turns". No problem. They put in some soccer game. No problem. They start playing, and instead of actually playing soccer, they would try to beat up the other players. I made them turn that off, too. He brags all the time about being able to watch rated R movies - an unedited version of Die Hard is one I can remember. Sure he does well in school, but has a crappy attitude everywhere else.
I just think we need to let kids be kids. They grow up too fast already.

 

[SweetMissy]

Do what you feel is right for you. Remember though, just because others do not do the same doesn't mean your way is "better" then their way.

Sorry guys but this attitude is just crap, lol. I know in a perfect world everyone would have the same opinion and we all would get along great but it's not a perfect world. As I said before, we have the same rules in our house as the OP and it's impossible to not judge parents who allow their kids to watch/play what he/she wants. When it effects MY kids, I have every right to criticize others. For instance....our previous neighbors (so glad they moved) allowed their kids to play want they wanted and my kids were over their house watching their son (10 years old) play a violent video game (don't remember what) and my kids came home fighting each other and my daughter got hurt. Yes, they play and both get hurt all the time but this happened because they were doing something they saw on the game. So, darn straight I have every right to "look down" on those parents for allowing their kids to play such games. My own 5 year old nephew is allowed to play black ops! He's better than his father. Some might high 5 him while I think it's sad and disgusting that he's obsessed with that game and would rather play it when he comes here (we don't own the game) than play outside with his cousins. Games are made for certain ages for a reason and I think it's pathetic that parents don't pay attention to these or even play the game or watch reviews before allowing their kid to play it. This goes for tv/movies as well. It all plays into the childhood obesity issue but that's a total different discussion, lol.

 

[irishsharon]

Yep, I've seen this too. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is other people's kids

couldn't agree more!!!!

 

[SEA333]

Sorry guys but this attitude is just crap, lol. I know in a perfect world everyone would have the same opinion and we all would get along great but it's not a perfect world. As I said before, we have the same rules in our house as the OP and it's impossible to not judge parents who allow their kids to watch/play what he/she wants. When it effects MY kids, I have every right to criticize others. For instance....our previous neighbors (so glad they moved) allowed their kids to play want they wanted and my kids were over their house watching their son (10 years old) play a violent video game (don't remember what) and my kids came home fighting each other and my daughter got hurt. Yes, they play and both get hurt all the time but this happened because they were doing something they saw on the game. So, darn straight I have every right to "look down" on those parents for allowing their kids to play such games. My own 5 year old nephew is allowed to play black ops! He's better than his father. Some might high 5 him while I think it's sad and disgusting that he's obsessed with that game and would rather play it when he comes here (we don't own the game) than play outside with his cousins. Games are made for certain ages for a reason and I think it's pathetic that parents don't pay attention to these or even play the game or watch reviews before allowing their kid to play it. This goes for tv/movies as well. It all plays into the childhood obesity issue but that's a total different discussion, lol.

Wow. That is a lot of assuming and jumping to conclusions in one post!

Holding onto that much anger can't be good....LOL

 

[AZMermaid]

I teach first grade and a student wrote his favorite movie was Ted. I questioned him and hit enough info that yes, he has seen the movie. He is from South Africa (like as a toddler) so maybe a more permissive culture (not sure here... Just speculating). He does have a older brother but he is 9. He's a nice kid and well mannered, but it will admit, I am always wary of asking him what movie he saw last weekend. He also knew a lot about Meet the Millers.

 

[mm1971]

I don't think playing violent video games makes kids bad. Ds15 is very respectful, I've never heard him curse once, he's never talked back, he's in all honors classes (always has been - GT program when younger), and plays varsity soccer (before HS, played baseball and basketball, as well).

As for bedtimes, we tried to let him police himself (dd17 hasn't had a bedtime in years, has a 4.3 GPA, and has never been in a bit of trouble). However, he has learned that he needs us to police him more, so he now has an 11 pm bedtime. I find all children have different needs. He has soccer practice Saturday mornings (unless he is reffing soccer games), and teaches CCD 9 am on Sundays, so staying up too late makes for a bad weekend.

My younger kids go to bed at 10. My girls don't even get home from dance until 9:30/9:45, and ds10 has soccer practice 4 nights a week. Fortunately, they are at straight A students (GT program as well), and don't need to get up until 7:30.

So, I don't think staying up late and playing video games turns kids into monsters. Back in the day, my kids had an 8 pm bedtime, but with all of the extracurricular activities, that is impossible. What works for one family might not work for another.

Let me say that I do not believe I implied or stated that staying up late or playing M rated games created "monsters". I will say that playing M rated games desensitizes kids to certain things. Feel free to argue, but there is enough research available on the subject to support it (included a few extreme cases where mental capacity, environmental factors and violent, bloody games were a factor in horrific events). Of course, watching the news nowadays is probably no worse material to be exposed to than a lot of the games.

My response was based on my family dynamic and the personality of my children. If I allowed DS to choose his bedtime, It would be around Thursday. Meaning he would be up until he passed out from exhaustion. He is honor roll, plays multiple sports and is an awesome kid! Would that change if he stayed up late or played the games we restrict. No. It is the values we as a family have in place. So please there was no soap box or trying to tell you to do it our way. Just a response to the question OP posed.

And, case in point, my 13 year old DS is a National Junior Honors Society Member, gets almost straight A's in all classes (usually a B+ or B every now and then in Language Arts, which he hates!), including advanced Spanish and 10th grade-level Honors Algebra (he is in 8th), is the captain of his football team this year, helps a disabled neighbor with her garbage every week, volunteers at the library in the summer, holds doors for everyone, offers to help everyone who is carrying things, is respectful and kind to everyone, and stands up for kids who can't/won't stand up for themselves - ie. makes sure the special needs kids are included in Friday Fun Night at school, or invites them to sit with him on the bus for field trips.

And he stays up till whenever he is tired on the weekends (and frankly, the weeknights, too...he will usually go to bed around 10pm or so, after getting home from a 2-hour football practice, eating, showering, and finishing homework), plays (some) M-rated X-box games with friends on X-Box LIVE, and is allowed to walk to friends' houses after school or have (pre-approved) friends at our house after school.

You are not doing anything wrong, but wow! What different worlds our boys live in, yet they are oddly similar.....

Proof that different parenting styles can work. I think child temperment has a LOT more to do with how each kid responds to different parenting.

First, congratulations on having a great kid there! I agree the best way to parent depends on the child and their personalities. There is no right or wrong answer. We have friends that parent similar to us and some that are completely opposite. I do find some of the behaviors that I see in friends children that would never be tolerated in our house at times and that is OK as well. We all have standards and expectations that differ. Here is one example that always seems to irk me, but to each his own.

We have friends that we go out to dinner with at the CC where we are both members. My kids are expected (and do) sit at the table and talk, color, read, etc...., but they are at the table. Our friends children are running around the room playing tag, playing video games at the table, etc.... We love them very much, but we have very different expectations of acceptable behavior. Doesn't mean they are wrong, just different. I can see that my kids would love to run around and play as well instead of sitting, but respecting others means not disturbing other guests of the restaurant.

 

[Karbase8]

As a parent, you do and stick to your guns. My DS now 13 started playing video games at 11. He was a athlete, honor student, and having a whole host of problems now. I am a single parent and have to rely on grandparents to watch him after school and I have tried to limit, remove the games and I am undermined constantly. Please stick to your rules. I don't believe all the full hype of video games causing violence, but I agree they are violent, stick to your rules trust me you don't want to go what I am going through now. Kids today are too exposed to adult things. Take care and keep to your rules I would have never have bought an Xbox if I'd known the detriment of it.

 

[SEA333]

Let me say that I do not believe I implied or stated that staying up late or playing M rated games created "monsters". I will say that playing M rated games desensitizes kids to certain things. Feel free to argue, but there is enough research available on the subject to support it (included a few extreme cases where mental capacity, environmental factors and violent, bloody games were a factor in horrific events). Of course, watching the news nowadays is probably no worse material to be exposed to than a lot of the games.

My response was based on my family dynamic and the personality of my children. If I allowed DS to choose his bedtime, It would be around Thursday. Meaning he would be up until he passed out from exhaustion. He is honor roll, plays multiple sports and is an awesome kid! Would that change if he stayed up late or played the games we restrict. No. It is the values we as a family have in place. So please there was no soap box or trying to tell you to do it our way. Just a response to the question OP posed.



First, congratulations on having a great kid there! I agree the best way to parent depends on the child and their personalities. There is no right or wrong answer. We have friends that parent similar to us and some that are completely opposite. I do find some of the behaviors that I see in friends children that would never be tolerated in our house at times and that is OK as well. We all have standards and expectations that differ. Here is one example that always seems to irk me, but to each his own.

We have friends that we go out to dinner with at the CC where we are both members. My kids are expected (and do) sit at the table and talk, color, read, etc...., but they are at the table. Our friends children are running around the room playing tag, playing video games at the table, etc.... We love them very much, but we have very different expectations of acceptable behavior. Doesn't mean they are wrong, just different. I can see that my kids would love to run around and play as well instead of sitting, but respecting others means not disturbing other guests of the restaurant.

Thanks! You too! I realized after reading my post over that I should print it out and read it when he is talking back, fighting with his sister, or otherwise acting like a teenager LOL

My kids have never been allowed to run around anywhere it could bother people - resturants, weddings, etc. They are always the kids sitting there totally bored because they can't get out of their seats, and I also won't let them play with phones or PSP's at the table either. Torture!!! LOL But they know how to sit and have a conversation with adults, which is much more important to their social progress!

 

[SEA333]

Sorry guys but this attitude is just crap, lol. I know in a perfect world everyone would have the same opinion and we all would get along great but it's not a perfect world. As I said before, we have the same rules in our house as the OP and it's impossible to not judge parents who allow their kids to watch/play what he/she wants. When it effects MY kids, I have every right to criticize others. For instance....our previous neighbors (so glad they moved) allowed their kids to play want they wanted and my kids were over their house watching their son (10 years old) play a violent video game (don't remember what) and my kids came home fighting each other and my daughter got hurt. Yes, they play and both get hurt all the time but this happened because they were doing something they saw on the game. So, darn straight I have every right to "look down" on those parents for allowing their kids to play such games. My own 5 year old nephew is allowed to play black ops! He's better than his father. Some might high 5 him while I think it's sad and disgusting that he's obsessed with that game and would rather play it when he comes here (we don't own the game) than play outside with his cousins. Games are made for certain ages for a reason and I think it's pathetic that parents don't pay attention to these or even play the game or watch reviews before allowing their kid to play it. This goes for tv/movies as well. It all plays into the childhood obesity issue but that's a total different discussion, lol.

The thing that you forget is that teaching kids personal responsibility instead of blaming outside influences (like the neighbor kids video game) will allow your children to make good choices as teens and young adults when you are not around.

Instead of "looking down" on parents who make different choices than I do, I have always taught my kids that what you see, what you hear, and what other's are doing is NO REASON to act like maniacs. All three of my kids are leaders and honestly very rarely (the youngest more than the other two for sure) follow the crowd or act out in response to something they have seen on TV/video games. They know they are responsible for their actions and if they CHOOSE to behave badly, THEY are in trouble, not the parent of the kid next door.

What affects my kids' behavior is their own conscience and sense of what is right or wrong, which has been taught to them by ME and DH, not by the outside world. This has equipped them to face the world, M-Rated video games and all, with sensibility and grace.

Maybe I am just lucky in that regard. I don't know, though...it seemed like an awful lot of hard work over the past 13 years.