Parenting advice needed??? Help!

[lukenick1]

Thank you everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. I really appreciate each and everyone one of you who took the time to offer some advice. As of right now, the boys do NOT like the new me and are surprised by my new response to them. DS10 has lost his scooter for 2 weeks, and DS12 doesn't get his ipod back until Saturday. I, on the other hand have been only speaking to them, not yelling, and not taking DS10's side. Really understanding why DS12 feels the way he does. DS10 although very compassionate he is still an instigator and likes the negative attention so I am conscious of it and will take appropriate action. Also left messages for some family counseling. Wish me luck!!!

 

[mickeyplanner08]

You go girl! Good luck, and may your house be more peaceful from here on forward!

 

[Liberty Belle]

Thank you everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. I really appreciate each and everyone one of you who took the time to offer some advice. As of right now, the boys do NOT like the new me and are surprised by my new response to them. DS10 has lost his scooter for 2 weeks, and DS12 doesn't get his ipod back until Saturday. I, on the other hand have been only speaking to them, not yelling, and not taking DS10's side. Really understanding why DS12 feels the way he does. DS10 although very compassionate he is still an instigator and likes the negative attention so I am conscious of it and will take appropriate action. Also left messages for some family counseling. Wish me luck!!!

If your DS has ODD, that's completely to be expected. It doesn't mean he doesn't have to work on it, but it explains why he does that. It's part of the disorder.

 

[monsterkitty]

OP, I'm not a parent so I can't really give advice. I do want to say, however, how impressed I am that you have listened to what others have said, no matter how painful it must have been for you to hear the words. You never made an excuse as to why something wouldn't work, disagree with everyone and say they were wrong, or run away from the thread as we have seen so many other posters do with threads like this. Kuddos to you!

 

[kellyg403]

Thank you everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. I really appreciate each and everyone one of you who took the time to offer some advice. As of right now, the boys do NOT like the new me and are surprised by my new response to them. DS10 has lost his scooter for 2 weeks, and DS12 doesn't get his ipod back until Saturday. I, on the other hand have been only speaking to them, not yelling, and not taking DS10's side. Really understanding why DS12 feels the way he does. DS10 although very compassionate he is still an instigator and likes the negative attention so I am conscious of it and will take appropriate action. Also left messages for some family counseling. Wish me luck!!!

Good Luck OP! I hope that you and your family are able to start getting things back on track. I applaud you for realizing that there are things amiss and that there needs to be something done about it.

My dd was diagnosed with ODD when she was about 7. This is a personality disorder and unfortunately, meds can be taken to help control some of the traits, but it IS something that the child needs to learn to cope with and know about themselves. Their lives are supremely negative. Because my dd could whine and whine and whine and I was tired, she would get her way. She wasn't trying to be a brat, but she knew what she wanted and she knew how to get me to do it. All of our interactions were NEGATIVE to the max. And the more negative they become the more FREQUENT they became. She did great in school, but had few friends. She also had ADD, not hyperactivity. She did not have a filter. If you wanted an honest answer to something, she was the girl to go to. And it wasn't a good thing. Socially she had difficulty. She thought she was being honest, but she was being hurtful. Anywho, I tell you this to let you know, not only did she have counseling and therapy but I went to counseling and parenting classes. And I had 4 other children at home. I thought I had the mom thing in the bag. But our whole family sufferred. I was a nag, she had already tuned me out and it just was a matter of how long she had to stand her ground before I got tired enough to give in.

The parenting classes were immensly helpful in making me realize I was part of the problem and my parenting was definitely part of the problem. I had to learn to say no, not interact negatively, just walk away. I did not have to interact. When I sent her to her room if she sat on the steps and whined about not going to her room I walked away and did something with the other children. Finally it dawned her that she was only one not having fun, once the pieces started to fall together she started going to her room and when she was ready to join the family, she would come and ask to. Its never going to go away, but as a parent, if your child is possibly ODD, you will need different techniques than traditional. Positive reinforcement. My dd loved fingernail polish. Something small and simple. With my dd, I had to put up a calendar and what the expectations were. On Sunday she cleaned her room, on Tues she fed the dog...whatever the chores for the week were. Sat she could earn a trip to the dollar store for nail polish or whatever the incentive was. But during the week she had to control her emotions and do as she was asked. Once I stopped nagging, and I didn't have to anymore because it was in black in white, she finally started just doing them. ODD children buck at authority and consequences and really don't like structure. Until you give them structure and consequences. They do so much better with it. It really is more about them learning to control themselves than you trying to control them. They HAVE to learn that. My dd was also a very compassionate person, just as loving as they came. But when the bad outweighs the good, even they forget they are 'good'. And I contributed to that poor self esteem by continually yelling, screaming and reminding her of all the 'bad' stuff she did. Once I learned to turn it off as it were and focus on a job well done, no more yelling, no more screaming on my part, things started to calm down. Your boys have learned how the process works. You scream, they scream, you guys fight, it turns into a mess and then you give in. They have reconciled themselves to how the system works and it doesn't bother them what they have to go through, its the reward at the end. Getting their way. That is the dynamic that has to change.

Good Luck OP....keep with it!

Kelly

 

[portia9]

Ok experts......help me with this one!!

DS10 is humming an annoying tune in the car just to aggravate. DS12 asks him to stop. DS10 keeps doing it. I ask him to stop. He does it again. DS12 screams "cut it out you little idiot". I get mad at DS12 for not letting me handle it and being nasty to DS10. I finally make a threat to DS10 to stop. He finally stops (for once). This is a pattern in the car. DS10 does something, DS12 reacts immediately, instead of ignoring him. I have started asking DS12 to sit in the front seat because the two of them constantly start in the car. Do you know how many times I have turned my radio up blasting our ears just to get them to stop yelling at each other?? I cannot take them anywhere together in public. Seriously, one will aggravate the other and then they are both yelling back and forth making a scene. It is so embarrassing. Thank God DS12 is old enough to stay home alone now. What do I do??? DS10 can't do anything good in DS12's eyes, he despises him. Makes me sad.

This is my family I swear. Until recently my 12yo was my easygoing child but is now going through some delightful pre teen stuff.

I have a few comments. Firstly it is great to read a thread where most people are offering good solutions not just dumping on the OP and OP I think it is great you are considering all solutions.

I definitely notice a difference in my kid's attitudes when they have a lot of screen time. Behaviour goes down dramatically.

It did sound as if you favoured your youngest so it's good that you are trying to be more objective. Good luck OP, I have felt really overwhelmed with my lot lately and this thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

I would really love to threaten the xbox to get sold. I would have NO PROBLEM selling that darn thing!!!! .

Don't threaten. Do it. Next time they talk back/ don't listen, you sell (or donate) the XBox.

 

[lukenick1]

Got an appt for this Thursday to get the ball rolling in family therapy. This person was highly recommended.

 

[LisaR]

Got an appt for this Thursday to get the ball rolling in family therapy. This person was highly recommended.

Good luck!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

First it's not easy to be a parent. Kudos for wanting better solutions.

What I see from what you have posted is that you and dh should change your reactions to ds outbursts. Don't engage when he escalates his responses. Just matter of factly state the consequence. If he continues to whine state that's it and ignore him. I love John Rosemonds column in our local paper. For the ultimate consequence he says remove everything from their room except the bed. After behavior changes over time, he can gradually earn back items one at a time.

Our 4.5 year girl got so unruly for a few weeks that we took way EVERY privilege! My Mom said we couldn't do that and I told her, "If it isn't food, shelter, clothing, or affection, it is a privilege and can be taken away!" My Uncle is a family therapist and he said you can't do it at her age because she wouldn't understand.... She had to earn everything back, one thing at a time! She understood and it worked!! You have to let them know who is boss and there has to be united front and no giving in. .....Also, give them a chance to talk about what's bugging them. Not the petty stuff but is really going on, without getting defensive, really listen. Some of their behavior may be from something else they aren't saying.

It sounds like you have made some good progress by toughening up! Good luck with the therapy! I hope it helps you all find some peace!

 

[Rence]

I had a good friend who used to majorly over-threaten .... "You touch that one more time and I'm going to chop your hand off" She never realized that her son never listened to her because he knew that she was always make huge, never follow-through threats.

I told her that if you tell him that if he touches it again that you will chop off his hand, that you'd better be ready to get the meat cleaver out. The rule is

If you threaten it, you must be 100% committed to following through with it

It sounds like you over-threaten a lot and don't follow through because if you did, they would have "no life". So scale back the threats, but absolutely, always, 100% of the time, follow through.

Threaten to lock the scooter up for a day or two, ground them for three days, take the iPod away for two days. These are all things that you can do - and once you start doing them consistently, they will listen.

Do not threaten to sell the scooter, ground them for a month or take the iPod away until Christmas - you won't actually do these, so don't threaten them. Your kids won't listen to these because they KNOW you won't do it.

If you threaten it, you must do it. Right now you have zero credibility with your kids. It will take some time to build the credibility - but once they know you mean business, you should start to see results.

 

[FLCyndi]

Good Luck, it seems your going down the right road.

 

[mckelvey72]

The one thing I have noticed lacking in all this is Father involvement. I realize it is hard when one parent works but does he have involvement with the kids cause I am not seeing much....and when he is around sounds like he is always yelling??

Secondly, I have learned with my son that playing those games puts him in a downward spiral. So now, he can play sports games, racing etc...nothing to do with shooting etc.

Thirdly, in regards to the room cleaning...give him a choice. He asks to go outside so tell him his room needs to be cleaned today so does he want to do it now or later after playing outside. Personally, if my son wants to go play outside and be active, his room can wait. Who cares if it is messy. He can spend an hour cleaning it up and a day later it is going to be messy again. Pick your battles and I don't think cleaning a room right here and right now over going outside should have been a battle.

Lastly, I agree with everyone else that the younger one sounds like a major problem. I also agree with the counseling so good luck with that.

And one last thing...is daddy allowed to leave clothes on the floor, wet towels around? In my house, my hubby is the worse and the kids see him doing it so they think they can do it. I have had to "train" him on some rules and once the kids saw daddy picking up they started doing it too. Just a thought. We do nighttime clean up before bed.....everyone gets a quick chore to do and it is done in 2 minutes typically.

 

[lukenick1]

The one thing I have noticed lacking in all this is Father involvement. I realize it is hard when one parent works but does he have involvement with the kids cause I am not seeing much....and when he is around sounds like he is always yelling??

Secondly, I have learned with my son that playing those games puts him in a downward spiral. So now, he can play sports games, racing etc...nothing to do with shooting etc.

Thirdly, in regards to the room cleaning...give him a choice. He asks to go outside so tell him his room needs to be cleaned today so does he want to do it now or later after playing outside. Personally, if my son wants to go play outside and be active, his room can wait. Who cares if it is messy. He can spend an hour cleaning it up and a day later it is going to be messy again. Pick your battles and I don't think cleaning a room right here and right now over going outside should have been a battle.

Lastly, I agree with everyone else that the younger one sounds like a major problem. I also agree with the counseling so good luck with that.

And one last thing...is daddy allowed to leave clothes on the floor, wet towels around? In my house, my hubby is the worse and the kids see him doing it so they think they can do it. I have had to "train" him on some rules and once the kids saw daddy picking up they started doing it too. Just a thought. We do nighttime clean up before bed.....everyone gets a quick chore to do and it is done in 2 minutes typically.

To answer your questions.....
Dad isn't home much and when he is he ignores the small things and leaves the discipline to me. He feels I over react to everything (he is sort of right). I am VERY strict with my boys. The yelling comes in when I complain enough to him about the disrespect, then he will blow. Doesn't really know what else to do about it either. We are learning. As far as leaving the clothes on the floor DH is the WORST! He leaves his crap all over the house worse than the kids. Not sure I am ever going to break him of that. It's been 23 years now, damage is done. Maybe the counseling will help him to learn how to be a big boy and clean up after himself.

 

[lukenick1]

Happy to report our first family therapy session went well. Everyone was receptive and enjoyed going. We all had a chance to express our feelings and have come up with a plan to have more harmony in the house. It's going to take a while but week by week we will work on things. I have also gone to my OB and was prescribed Zoloft for PMDD and supposed to take it 7-10 days per month. Hope it helps!

 

[okeydokey]

So glad to hear about your positive progress. Good for you to see it needed fixing and then to listen and actually take steps to do it.

 

[Nancyg56]

Happy to report our first family therapy session went well. Everyone was receptive and enjoyed going. We all had a chance to express our feelings and have come up with a plan to have more harmony in the house. It's going to take a while but week by week we will work on things. I have also gone to my OB and was prescribed Zoloft for PMDD and supposed to take it 7-10 days per month. Hope it helps!

Nice!

 

[goofyintoronto]

So glad you guys are headed in the right direction. Thx for the update.

 

[LisaR]

Great update!

 

[Princess Row]

Reading your stories is like reading about my nine year old sister.
I am an 18 year old currently in college. I have three other sisters at my dads house who I adore more than anything in the world. However my sister at my moms is a devil child.
SCREAMS until she gets her way, throws tantrums, runs the house, blocks the doors, creates barricades, wont let you leave the house, causes guilt trips, threatens you, anything you can think of......it's her.
I am close with all of our neighbors and they talk about her to me, my mom sees the problem but tells me I am over reacting. LEt me just say she RUNS the house.... and she knows it.

Ever been to the store and see a child and everyone stares and talks about them? Yep that's my sister
Ever seen the Dr. Phil shows where the child is out of control? Yep that's her.

Please know there are others in your situation! I personally just don't think my situation will ever get better. It will only get worse as she gets older. Can you imagine all of the above in a teen version!? SAVE ME!
I am glad to see everything you are doing, keep working! They will be great kids!