P & PD, please. DD staying with her dad

[NMAmy]

Oh, sheesh, I could just really use some good thoughts right now. DD was having trouble with some girls at school last year so at the Christmas break, she decided to stay in New Mexico with her dad for the rest of the school year. It about broke my heart, but I agreed and tried to be supportive with the understanding that she'd be back to school here in the fall. She came home for the summer and we've had a great time. She went back to see her dad for a week before school started. I told her that I did not want her to stay there and she told me that she wasn't going to. She didn't take anything with her except clothes for a week.

Well, 3 days in, I get the call saying she wants to stay. I'm devastated. I've talked to her till I'm blue in the face. She insists she doesn't have any real friends here and this one girl controls everyone in the entire school. I've talked to her and her dad about running away from her problems, but he of course encourages her to stay there. I've got another week before school starts here...I'm hoping I can convince her to come back. She hates her homelife out there...she has 3 step sisters and a half sister and is forced to curtail all afterschool activities to babysit. They're always broke and don't have money for anything (including food sometimes.) She has told me that she knows one reason her dad wants her to stay is so that he doesn't have to pay child support.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. This is just tearing me apart. If you could spare some good thoughts, I can use all the help I can get.

 

[Belle041281]

All of my prayers and lots of pixie dust.

 

[Disney Ella]

Is there any way you could afford to send her to another school since the school seems to be the problem? Obviously the situation at school must seem pretty bad to her if she's willing to put up with everything she has to do at her dad's.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

 

[NMAmy]

She refuses to go to another school. We were in the process of buying a home at the time and we certainly could have bought a house in another school district but she told me then that she wanted to go back to this school.

We have several other school districts close by--I'd do school of choice in a heartbeat if I thought she'd go along with it.

She's 13, she's pretty irrational at this point.

 

[Microcell]

Prayers too!

Is there any way you could consider moving to NM as well so she could stay there or move just outside Lansing to get her in a different school district? I know it is a big move and she shouldn't run away from her problems and all that.

I had an experience in school where I felt the same way she seems to and my mom decided to move to be closer to her work and then I got a clean slate, for the better.

Friends also had a run in here with the school district becasue their son decided to defend himself and was seen doing it, so they feared he would be branded a troublemaker, police were involved due to the PC nature of the snobby school district- people in KC know Blue Valley schools and their no tolerence even if your kid is known to be tortured. So they moved to the other side of the metro and his life has become better. I may be in the minority but I would move or pay tuition to another school district to make my childs life easier if it really is that bad.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, I won't move back to New Mexico. We moved to Michigan to be closer to my family (my dad was very ill and passed away last year) and it was actually my ex's idea to move back here first because his mother was ill. DH and I decided it would be for the best, quit our jobs, made arrangements, then my ex decided that his new wife did not want to move. So, we're settled here now, with good jobs and a new house and my elderly mom would be all alone if we left. I'm not moving back there and starting all over again.

DD has hung out with different friends all summer. She's been fine. We've had girls spending the night virtually every night. I really feel that she's under a lot of pressure from her dad and that's the true reason. She refuses to consider a different school in this area because she doesn't want to start all over again.

It's a situation where the kid who usually tells me EVERYTHING is making me drag every nugget of information out of her. I can't get to her and it's making me crazy.

 

[Minniespal]

's

 

[orvilleair]

You and dd took a trip to WDW earlier this year, and I felt that the two of you really bonded. With that being said, there must either be something wonderful in New Mexico that she hasn't told you about, or the school situation in Lansing is dreadful. You've offered private or other school districts, and she hasn't took you up on that. Maybe the climate in NM is really appealing to her. If Lansing is anything like Dayton, I'd want to be in NM too.

I just hope it works out for you.

 

[NMAmy]

Thanks for all the hugs and good wishes everyone.
orvilleair, I'm touched that you remember about the trip. We did have a great time--we're pretty much "freakishly linked" (to quote DD and the Gilmore Girls) and always have been. I think that's why it's so hard for me to let her go. I miss her when she's gone and I know she misses me, too.

Well, I've got a few more days to try to convince her although it's hard to do it in a nightly telephone call.

 

[NHAnn]

Why would a thirteen year old be allowed to "decide" or need to be "convinced" as to where she is going to live and attend school? Is there not a physical custody stipulation in your divorce that addresses it? I just can't understand a child be allowed to make decisions of that magnitude...and if you and her father aren't in agreement as to what is in her best interests, perhaps someone more objective could assess the situation?

She's getting to the age where she is not going to keep telling you everything.....and it really sounds like there is some info missing here somewhere. And it sounds like a big burden for a 13 year old to be facing...unhappy at school with you, and pressures at her dad's house. Such a vulnerable age that can set the tone for the high school years

Could you have her come home to discuss it, and then insist she stay with you if you can do so legally?

I really hope it all works out for you both...sending good wishes!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with NHAnn. If there is a legal agreement for you to have custody during the school year, I think you should pull that card and insist she return to MI. She is only 13. If you let her dictate the living arrangement now, what will happen three months from now when she is not happy in NM? She can't go flying around the country, changing schools whenever she wants to because of social issues at one place or another. I don't think a 13 year old completely understands the true consequences of all of her decisions. Sometimes dealing with difficult situations makes a person stronger.

Maybe you could insist she return to MI, but tell her it is on a trial basis. Make her stick it out until Christmas break. If she can show you concretely that she is miserable there, and there is no other acceptable compromise (like another school in MI, other after0school activities or classes), then let her go to NM.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I just think if you let her make these kinds of decisions now, she will run you ragged through the rest of her teen years. Although she will probably not like you for making the deicision, she will probably thank you down the line.

Good luck to you.



Denae

 

[NMAmy]

My ex and I have joint custody but dd has always had her main residence with me. We've always made these decisions jointly before (that she'd stay with me during the school year and him during vacations) but now he's developed this habit of getting her to stay with him. They discuss it and I find out at the last second. I could take him back to court but it's not going to accomplish much just before school starts and it would put dd through the situation of having her parents fight over her. She IS old enough to state her preference to a judge and I don't want to take the chance of him being awarded full custody. It's only been in the last year that he and I've suddenly had this problem.

Believe me, if I had full custody of her, there would be no discussion about this at all. She is not trying to play one parent off against the other and I agree that she can't go back and forth between schools. She knows that if she stays, she has to stay for the full school year which is not what I want. Her father has taken this from a situation where the two of us decide and has put her in the middle. Unfortunately, he is not inclined to listen to me about this and knows that if he waits till school is about to start so I don't have a lot of options.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Man that is tough. I have a 13yo dd as well and I know at this age they hang onto every word their dad says. She has a real need to be close to him.

I would move to New Mexico.

 

[mom2grace]

You have to decide what you value most, your child or your life in MI.

You could move to NM and take your mother (and in-laws if there are any) with you.

I don't agree to giving in to your daughter, but it looks like your legal options are nil. I would rather struggle financially, career-wise, etc. to be near my children and be a physical part of their everyday lives.

Have you tried "reverse psychology"? Tonight tell her she can stay in NM and see if your giving up the fight gets her to change her mind?

Is there a boy in NM that she is interested in?!

Is the school in NM one she went to when she was younger?

I know this is a terrible choice to have to make. What choice would you want your mother to make if you were 13?

Good luck!