Out of fake cheer

[pixie dust 112]

OP, you have my heartfelt sympathy.
Depending on your relationship with the ILs, would this visit be the time for you and your DH to sit down with them and say something like, "We are working on a family, but there are medical issues involved. We know we can rely on your discretion and support to deflect any discussions concerning our situation if this subject arises during our visit, or later."
It seems to me that it is time to employ a little bit of judicious guilt on the ILs here!

I like it! Great answer!

 

[si-am]

I am going through the same thing. I finally made my husband tell his parents (next time it came up in conversation) because I knew emotionally I wouldn't be able to handle any more questions about why we weren't having kids

It was a nice solution because 1) I didn't have to actually tell them and 2) now they don't ask!

 

[D&DDisney]

One of my oldest friends in the entire world is pregnant. She told me several weeks ago. It was an unplanned blessing. I listened as long as I could and made an excuse to hang up. I haven't called back since. I don't want to hear the celebration details and the baby stuff and all the planning. I don't want to imagine having to fly home for a shower and seeing her pregnant.

The other night I was told my 17 year old nephew is going to be a daddy. I just rolled my eyes and said something ugly about it. I don't want to buy something or celebrate this either.

I'm feeling completely rotten about my friend though. She does know about my situation to an extent with some of testing and things going on. I don't want to ignore her. I have to get into a better mind set. A baby is always a blessing and she will be a great mom.

The other thing weighing on my mind is we are going to my inlaws this weekend for an entire week. I will hear over and over again baby questions. I wonder if it's just time to come clean with them. My husband really doesn't want to because he doesn't want advice and suggestions. I kind of think they should know considering we are about 75% sure we are going to meet with an adoption agency next year. I just don't want to smile and deflect baby questions for the next week. I think I'm out of fake cheer and grace. Help me find it again. I will really really need it next week.

I invite you to come over to the TTC thread. The ladies over there are great and there isn't a feeling you have that one of us has hasn't had before. You can rant all you need to so you can be strong for your friend.

 

[PatsGirl]

Thinking of you and hoping that your week-long stay turns out to a fun one where you can relax and enjoy yourself.

 

[Aristomommy]

BTDT and I understand how hard it is to be happy for others when you are struggling with infertility. DSIL got pregnant twice while DH and I were trying and I attended showers and dodged questions about our plans while running to the bathroom to cry several times. It's hard and I am still sensitive about it. We are planning to adopt next year, or start the process but plan to keep it very private.

You don't owe anyone any explanations. Try to be supportive of your friend though. If she is a true friend she will be there to support you when the time comes as well. Feeling joy for her doesn't mean that you can't grieve at the same time for yourself.

hugs

 

[DisneyScraps]

Tina, I feel for you. I lived through 7 years of it. I found that it got worse and worse over the years. Everyone else got pregnant, more than once.

Try to be supportative. I know it's not easy but your friend is going to notice your behavior and it would be a tragedy to lose her too. One of my saddest moments during my infertility was finding out that my youger sister was pregnant and she was afraid to tell me. After that I promised myself that I was going to find a way to smile and be happy for the people that I cared about.

The ones that just got pregnant and couldn't really care for a baby like your 17 year old...that would send me into orbit. I still get mad about that thing. I just for to have one child, so many have multiple kids and don't treat them well.

I want to share something with you that became crystal clear to me after my daughter was born. (3 IVFs, high stress difficult pregnancy and as I said 7 loooooonnnnnnggggggggg years). I look at my daughter and I know that she is the daughter I was always meant to have. I might have been ready to be a mother but I was on her timeline, perhaps. I was ready but she was not. I had to wait until her little soul was ready to be born, then and only then did I become a mother.

So when it happens for you either through treatment or through adoption. You will know that this baby was worth every tear every anguished moment and you would not want it any other way. If being a mother when you wanted to be one meant you would miss THAT child, then you are going to be glad for all you went through.

I wish you peace in this journey!

Lisa

 

[bumbershoot]

1. It is no one's business but your own. You don't need to share with any family members anything.

2. Be angry. Be mad. But really, really try to be angry and mad at the situation, not at your friends and their situation. That's the hardest part for me. You can even tell them that you are thrilled for them because you want what they have so, so very much.

3. If anyone pries, clam up and cry. This frustrates anyone like no one's business.

I think this is a great answer. All three of 'em.


Tina, I'm so sorry. Been there done that. Pretty glad I'm older, and all of my peer-group friends are done having kids, so I don't have many people around me still having babies, b/c it's really hard on me.

You seem to have a great husband, and husbands that you can really talk to are invaluable. I had two friends with husbands who would just stare at them and not talk, when the friends would try to talk about their baby-related frustrations...I can't even imagine how much that would hurt. So use your sweet husband to talk to; also helps that husbands tend to keep quiet, and you can rant and rave all you want, and no one will ever find out about it.