Out of fake cheer

[kwitcherkicken99]

When the questions start, just tell them that now is not the right time, and when the right time comes, they'll know. Any more peppering and you can tell them to respect this time in your life, and when you guys know, they'll know.

[or tell the family gossip/nag the above mentioned and let them do all the work]

 

[eliza61]

The other night I was told my 17 year old nephew is going to be a daddy. I just rolled my eyes and said something ugly about it. I don't want to buy something or celebrate this either.

I'm feeling completely rotten about my friend though. She does know about my situation to an extent with some of testing and things going on. I don't want to ignore her. I have to get into a better mind set. A baby is always a blessing and she will be a great mom.

The other thing weighing on my mind is we are going to my inlaws this weekend for an entire week. I will hear over and over again baby questions. I wonder if it's just time to come clean with them. My husband really doesn't want to because he doesn't want advice and suggestions. I kind of think they should know considering we are about 75% sure we are going to meet with an adoption agency next year. I just don't want to smile and deflect baby questions for the next week. I think I'm out of fake cheer and grace. Help me find it again. I will really really need it next week.

Oh Tina,
many, many hugs go out to you.

Could you perhaps send a small note to your friend. She's a good friend and she has an inkling of what you are going through, I'm thinking she may be very sympathetic. simply congratulate her, tell her you love her and know she'll be a terrific mom but right now it's emotionally very hard for you.

I do think it may be time to come clean. this is a painful situation and I think it will be all the more harder to have to sit there and pretend to be happy.

You don't have to go into great details and you're husband is probably a little correct in that people are going to want to give advice but realize that these are people who love you.

wishing you much love and faith.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why don't you be honest and say that hearing baby questions upsets you greatly and you do not want to discuss it, period, the end.

Everytime they bring up a "baby nag" repeat the phrase above.

While that is harsh, it is also informative and it is the truth.

I would NOT mention adoption at all at this point in time. I would wait until you go through more of the process first.

My sister went through this and our relationship suffered for it at the time. I wish she could have been truthful with me. It would have made a difference.

 

[ChrizJen]

Oh, how I remember those days.
When we were in the thick of the whole TTC struggle, I found out that my cousin and his wife were pregnant with triplets!!
I had to forego the shower and just send a gift card. I just couldn't do it.

Take the "tough love" messages with a grain of salt. Anyone who's never had to deal with infertility just has no clue what it's like to be where you're at right now. It sounds as if you're at that stage where you might be "coming to terms" with the fact that you won't have a biological child. I know that place. I've been there, and I can tell you that it's a kind of grief that some people just don't get. It's not unlike losing a loved one. You grieve that loss just like any other profound loss in your life. Give yourself time, and don't force yourself into any situations you're not ready for. And as for nosey relatives, tell them to butt out!!

And let me tell you that something will happen for you and your husband. And when that time comes, you'll undestand why you had to endure this challenge. God has a plan for us all. Sometimes it's not easy, but eventually it all makes sense.
to you and your DH, and hang in there. I know just how you feel!
-Christal

 

[dzorn]

Looks like you need one.

Denise in MI

 

[RunningGirl]

My sister went through fertility issues - ended up adopting 2 beautiful girls. When I got pregnant she was very frank with me and told me that although she was really happy for me and wanted to share in it, she knew at times it would be really hard for her. I appreciated her saying that to me and tried to always let her take the lead in how much she wanted to talk about it and tried to back off if I felt she was having a rough time. I think that being open about it made it easier for BOTH of us.

to you!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Just keep in mind that if you turn away from your friend now she might not want to share in your good news when it happens. How lonely will you feel then, not being able to share such a joyous event with such an old friend? As for the family, I think you should tell them. Why must you bear the burden alone? That's what family and friends are for -- to support you in your time of need and boost you up. Even if your family can't manage that, at least they'll back off and stop asking intrusive questions. And if they don't, then you get to tell them where they can go with a clear conscience.

FWIW, a very close friend of mine, who wasn't trying to get pregnant (if it happens, it happens) got pregnant before me and I had been trying. I felt that resentment and pity and I kept it to myself. I tried not to begrudge her the birth of her first child. Turns out I got pregnant the night of her baby shower!

However your situation resolves itself (pregnancy or adoption), I know you will be a fabulous, kind, caring, loving, doting mom. I just think it would be great to be able to share that with your family and friends.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Ohh hun. Been there, done that. Infertility *sucks*. I think you need to put your sanity first. Let her know it's really hard for you, and you know that for the most part women don't understand unless they've been through it themselves. Throw in a "I'm happy for you" even if you're not. If I were you, I don't think I could go to her shower. When the shower time comes, send a nice note, go on her registry, pick out something in your price range, don't shop around, don't browse, enter your credit card info and hit send. Don't look back! lol I felt like looking at anything "baby" made it that much harder.

I'm also going to throw this in there, I don't know where you're at in your infertility journey, but the path changed drastically once I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist. What the problem turned out to be was FAR from what it was thought to be! (I had NO idea that I had the problems I had)

 

[NotUrsula]

But in this case, it wouldn't be an inexplicable withdrawal - the friend knows what she's going through.

Well, there's a bit of a difference between knowing and understanding, if you can see that. The friend "knows" on an academic level, but she doesn't know it on the level of having experienced it, and I've found that folks have a hard time understanding the avoidance if they haven't. People have a tendency to think that if you want to have a baby then you must naturally be interested in babies, and when you withdraw (especially after confiding infertility), then it can often seem to them like an implication that your baby, even a putative baby, is extra-special because of your medical challenges, but that their baby is less special because it came with no effort at all. They tend not to realize the depth of the emotional pain involved in being around babies and pregnant women; even if you tell them. (and FTR, I do think that you should tell close friends who are in on the situation that it hurts to be around things associated with babies; but then try very hard to deal with the hurt and hang around anyway.)

FTR, my issue was recurrent miscarriage. The full truth made people horrendously uncomfortable, so after a while I learned not to share very much. Even the other patients at the RE resented people like me.

PS: As for the 17 yo, I don't think you'll be the only one in the family who isn't overjoyed by this news, so no one will think it's that strange if your reaction is very low-key. Treat it like you would any other situation where someone in the family was dealing with an unexpected need -- send a practical gift (like a gift card for diapers) and your best wishes, and leave it at that.

 

[Robinrs]

I was there for 7 years... how I know your pain.

I went thru a complete pregnancy, only to have my son die in 3 days.

I felt like the WORLD was having unplanned pregnancies... while for 7 years I had nothing but a broken heart.

My nephew had 3 kids, my niece had 2, my entire office was pregnant, it was horrendous.

I finally had my angel... it was SO worth the wait.

I know it will happen for you, too, Tina. Just hold on, your angel is waiting for you, too.

 

[dislaney]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Kae]

Been there done that. But Tina lets do a flip here, How would you feel if your friend felt she couldn't share her excitement with because of what you are going thru? Trust me it would hurt. As for your 17 yr old relative, that kinda stuff drove me crazy, I swear when I was have my lowest moments that is always the type of news I would get.

Just keep hanging in there. Which I know you are tired of hearing.

Kae

 

[DisneyDreamer8]

Hugs to you

I went through this as well. It seemed at the time I was struggling to have a baby everyone around me was pregnant. I shed a lot of tears. For me I told those around me what was going on so they knew my distance was not because I was not happy for them. They all understood.

As for the in-laws. After a year of suffering in silence I told the family what was going on. At first they would offer their own advice but then they became very supportive. It made it alot easier to explain why I was so emotional at times. They knew I was on medication that made your worst PMS look like a cake walk.

But all I can say is just follow your heart. Take a couple of deep breaths and do what you feel is right for you

 

[krcit]

I'm sorry.

 

[pixie dust 112]

I have no advice, but send lots of hugs to you, Tina! Hang in there!

 

[Handbag Lady]

1. It is no one's business but your own. You don't need to share with any family members anything.

2. Be angry. Be mad. But really, really try to be angry and mad at the situation, not at your friends and their situation. That's the hardest part for me. You can even tell them that you are thrilled for them because you want what they have so, so very much.

3. If anyone pries, clam up and cry. This frustrates anyone like no one's business.

 

[Nik's Mom]

So sorry, Tina. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I know it is easier said than done, but you need to try to find the good in life right now. I'd call that old friend and explain why you have been distant, but let her know that you are happy for her, just sad for you.

I really like #2 of handbag lady's list. I think it's perfectly understandable that you are experiencing mixed feelings about your friend. But try not to take it out on her. As for the nephew, I would not be happy that a 17 year old becoming a parent either.

Sending prayers your way, Tina!

 

[Disney Doll]

Oh boy does this take me back to when I was in my 30's and trying to have a baby!

We did not tell our families either. My late DMIL was an obstetric nurse so our fear was that would interject herself because of her extensive background in that area and neither of us wanted my late DMIL interejecting herself in that aspect of our life. I loved her dearly but there is a line! We didn't tell my mother because she is a pathological worrier and would have driven me crazy worrying about the meds, the cost, the procedures, the miscarriages etc. We did tell a few select friends because there were times when we needed their assistance when I was on bedrest and stuff and DH had to go to work. They were people who we trusted to keep quiet and they did. On the rare occasion that some social clod asked me about having a baby, I'd wink and say "We're giving it our best effort". That usually stopped the questions. If it didn't, and the questions persisted, my next response would be "I wouldn't dream of having such a personal conversation with you" said in an appalled tone of voice. That always worked. If anyone persists after that, you have my permission to tell them to mind their own damn business and stay out of your bedroom!

As far as other people having babies, I tried to rejoice for them. It was hard, I will not lie to you. But I told myself that just because I was having a problem didn't mean that everyone else in the world should stop having babies. But I did force myself to be happy, to go to baby showers...life had to go on for me, and I would have felt worse had my friends been uncomfortable around me, so I put on a good act a lot of the time.

I wouldn't mention adoption until you are sure that it is something you are going to do. Why get the family rumor mill going? If you're thinking about adopting next year, then tell them next year.

Tina it is a very difficult time, but you will get beyond it one way or the other. DH & I never had children. We also had concerns about adoption, so did not do that either. We are childfree. We have been fortunate to have relatives and friends who have very generously shared their children with us throughout the years, so we have had the benefit of much love from many children, and I hope we have provided the same back to them...I think we have. Being childfree has enabled us to be the helpers in our circle of family and friends...we are usually available, don't have to find a babysitter, can pretty much drop everything at a moment's notice to do something for someone. Since we have had fmaily and friends who have had some pretty significant health and prsonal isames over the years, the fact that DH & I are so available has been invaluable. It took me a long time to accept that God's plan for each of us may not be our plan, and that maybe His plan for us was to be helpers...not a bad way to be.

Best wishes to you...I will pray that your dream comes true.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I have no real advice since I was never in your situation, and also I'm a guy.

Although I would suggest to you that it's not fair to your friend and nephew that you are having trouble conceiving. Try not to give them the cold shoulder.

It might be best to tell everyone the truth, that way maybe your nephew will understand why you aren't thrilled for him (as opposed to you being upset about his young age).

 

[Gigi22]

OP, you have my heartfelt sympathy.
Depending on your relationship with the ILs, would this visit be the time for you and your DH to sit down with them and say something like, "We are working on a family, but there are medical issues involved. We know we can rely on your discretion and support to deflect any discussions concerning our situation if this subject arises during our visit, or later."
It seems to me that it is time to employ a little bit of judicious guilt on the ILs here!