Other than homeschooling, what can be done? UPDATE post#48

[siouxi31]

My 14 year old son who is in High School is failing nearly every class. It's the same story every year where he doesn't turn in his homework. He did this through grade school and we'd have to work back & forth between him and his teachers to get some of the late work turned in.
HS is different. Most of the classes will not allow late work so if it's not turned in the first time, he has no "I'll make it up later" ability.
If he does his homework, he does well on quizzes, tests, and participation in class. The problem is first getting him to do it, and then getting him to hand it in if it is done.
Any suggestions for the above are welcome but keep in mind that 1) I cannot go to school with him to make sure his work gets turned in since my husband and I both have full time jobs 2) Anything of importance has been taken away from him 3) I've tried positive reinforcement 4) when it comes to school, he lacks accountability, responsibility, integrity, motivation, and good self-esteem. 5) I've already dragged the "you won't be able to take driver's ed if you fail your classes." carrot in front of his face.
I've posted about him before. Me, my husband and his teachers are frustrated. In 8th grade he was in a special class to help him be better organized. He was the worst in that class and the teacher said they'd never seen anything like him.
My MIL is telling me to enroll him in a Catholic HS. I believe our HS ranks #32 in Northern Illinois so it's a darn good school and I can't see sending him to a Catholic School as being a help. My husband and I both went to Catholic Schools all of our lives and we both think the public schools have more to offer.
Anyhow, now I'm wondering if I should look into some sort of unconventional school for him. I think he'd do well if homework weren't a factor. All of his teachers like him. He's polite, kind, funny (a bit of the class clown) and his attendance is good. He just flat out hates homework.
I've found some websites like teenhelp.com, helpmyteen.com, compuhigh.com, and am still looking for others. Some of them seem to be more for the drug or alcohol troubled kid which isn't him (not yet anyway). So, if homeschooling isn't an option for us, public school isn't working, what can tired, frustrated and disappointed parents do for their son who is not working well in a conventional atmosphere?

 

[Planogirl]

Have you thought about grounding him from activities that he enjoys and gradually giving back those privileges when he does what he's supposed to? Then you can immediately take them away if he falters.

I think that he needs to learn to be responsible now like you're saying because it'll get even worse in college if he plans to go.

 

[JennyMominRI]

My DD was having horrible problems last quarter and here grades were awful.. Ib started aking away ALL priveleages. Every friday she bring me a note from her teachers..If they ALL say she is doing all of her work and doing well on tests then she has all privvelages that week.. On her progress report last week her grades are all B's... It's a huge improvement for her.. SHe has had 5 weeks on a row of good reports

 

[siouxi31]

Right now he's permanently grounded. By grounded I mean no TV, games, computer or friends. He can read a book (which he hates to do). We'd take him off if his weekly progress report was good, but it isn't.

I must be completely honest though, the one thing he's stuck with doing is hockey but that's because 1) he's the team's goalie 2) we paid a few thousand for him to be in the league this year.
Practice is 2 nights per week (one hour each), with one game per week.

 

[FreshTressa]

Is he getting his work done, then not turning it in?

Are you monitoring that he does it at home?

Seems to me like you could make sure he got it done..the problem would be in making sure he turned it in.

Does your district have alternative school?

 

[FreshTressa]

I think the hockey is good for him.

It is good to get physical activity and be commited to something...especially if he is not commited to school!

 

[tworkit]

My best friend in high school was the same way. His parents got him a part-time job working on a garbage truck after school and he saw what kind of work he could expect without any education. He recently completed his MBA and is very successful!

 

[trip]

Does your district have alternative school?

This is what I was going to suggest. Our school has a great one. In the mornings they have regular "core" classes and in the pm they have internships set up with local businesses.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

A sitdown for the 3 of you.

List what the consequences of failing would be. Summer school? Being held back a grade?

He may not believe it will happen until such a large consequence does happen
DS did not believe i would leave him home on a WDW trip for his previous bad behavior on a WDW trip. I did leave him home. He was not a problem on the next trip.

Could he go to a Vo-tech? Does he want to? What are his career goals? What college or training would he like to do. High School is when the Grades start counting for applying to college.

A couple thousand has been spent for Hockey but the cost of a special school, tutoring, loss in his earnings will far outway those thousands already spent. Brat Camp is $45,000!

IF he doesn't pull up grades from failing i would pull him from Hockey. I'm sure his teammates would express how disappointed in him they are for letting them down. Failing for no good reason is unacceptable.

SInce his disorganization is so bad i would get him any gadget he thinks might help him be better organized. A PDA, a tiny recorder, Special storage spaces at home with a rack for papers and backpack so Homework papers are never far from backpack.
I think training in a daily routine would help organize his mind a little. He comes home, sits at kitchen table until HW done or bedtime. Or a maybe a timer and after dinner he does HW, if he beats the timer, he gets points.

 

[tkd lisa]

If you figure it out, please share! My DS is very similar.

For right now, he's in 7th grade, and is very young for it here (started school in MD on his 5th bday). So my solution is 1) Be sure he does the homework. 2) Take privileges away when he doesn't turn it in. 3) Insist he repeat the grade if he doesn't pass the classes.

Frankly, he's going to fail science and social studies at a minimum (F in the first 2 quarters, and very likely an F in the quarter that ends Wed). He has one C in LA and one C in Math for the year, and the remainder are Fs. He's probably going to pass LA this quarter, but a 43 in Math is failing. I've already discussed this until I'm blue in the face with the school. In my opinion, repeating the grade is the only thing that will work. He gets the material (very high As when he actually does the work), so tutoring won't help. We've tried organizational tricks, etc.

Good luck!

 

[Chicago526]

I loathed homework in HS too. I never saw the point, I understood everything taught in class, and had a memory like a steel trap. I didn't understand "wasting" time on homework when I could pass the tests with A's without doing it. I don't feel I was challenged enough (except in math, I was challenged just fine, just didn't like it! ). Have you had him tested, maybe he's too smart for the classes he's in and is so bored, he just doesn't care. It sounds weird, but bad grades can be a sign he's gifted.

 

[pixiepower1971]

Please don't pull him from hockey! My girls dance and there is nothing worse then a child being pulled from a group that is counting on them! Unless there is someone that can fill in for that person, it is a lot of work to overcome the loss of that person and it HURTS EVERYONE.

Do you live near any military schools or would you consider sending him to one as a boarder? Might be worth a trip to visit one.

 

[SC Minnie]

Are you going to hold is hand during college and the rest of his life? He needs to learn that although he may not enjoy doing and turning in his homework he still has to do it. I don't enjoy doing some of the meaningless tasks I have to do at work but I like to paycheck. It is part of life.

Have you tried to inlist the help of his hockey coach? Sounds like that is the one thing he is passionate about.

 

[siouxi31]

In my original post, I tried to summarize everything we've done but it's too numerous to list.
A big part of me wants him to stay in hockey to be active. We had a period where he was out of hockey for several months, no friends, no games, no computer, no television. He adjusted. A counselor suggested that maybe we should at least get him back into something physical, so hockey it was. It's something he loves and for a kid with low self-esteem, I thought it would be good too. I know the argument of pulling him out after paying a couple of thousand dollars for hockey. On the flipside, he needs something to keep him moving or he'll be a slug. There was no difference when he was out of hockey vs. him being in hockey now. He just burns a few extra calories and has some glorious moments when he saves a goal.
I'm trying to search for unconventional schools in our area and I'm coming up with nothing. All I keep coming up with are the boot-camp type places for troubled teens or high school over the internet (which seems shady to me).
About him being gifted, I don't think so. Maybe, but I really don't think so. He seems very average to me. We did have him in Sylvan two years ago and according to their testing, he was lacking in math and reading. Every bit of homework he does at home requires me holding his hand. If he gets the right answer, he thinks he must be wrong because he couldn't have possibly figured something out on his own. He really thinks that he's dumb as a rock. Anyway, when I am not travelling for work or at Girl Scouts with my daughter, I will sit with him to make sure his homework is done. Otherwise, it's my husband sitting, reviewing his work. Then there's the elusive "I did it at school.". We've told him plenty of times that we don't want to hear this from him because we can't see that he's done it. He needs to bring his work home. The problem is, what more can one take away from a kid who has lost everything when he doesn't do as he's asked? A teacher told us that we should go back to the school to retrieve his homework from the locker. Seriously, this is bad advice. It can work maybe once per week to drive the 10 miles over to school. It's one of those situations where things aren't going right so somebody gives you hindsight advice "Well, why didn't you drive him back to school to get the homework?". When things go wrong, I could always find hindsight to give someone else too but it's quite snotty to do. We're not perfect. We're doing our best, have another child, both work full time with the husband working alot of evenings, try to get everything done that we need to (daily laundry/meals/dishes), groceries, bill paying, visits to the parents, etc.
We've sat with him plenty of times. As a family, as a father and as a mother separately. I've had heart to heart talks with him. I've asked him why he does this to himself. He knows that he's only hurting the options that will be afforded to him in the future but he doesn't care. We've discussed that at this rate colleges won't accept him. We've shown him the "reported" salary that a college graduate makes vs. non-college, vs. the type of lifestyle that he'd like to have and it just doesn't matter to him. He now already has to go to summer school. They have a maximum of 2 courses that can be taken in the summer. He'll be going to school this summer (I hope that cures him but in the meantime, I can't stop looking at other options). He won't be able to take electives next year because they will be filled with repeating freshman courses. This is the year I need to let him fail to suffer the consequences but I also wonder if his black hole will just keep getting deeper until he can't get himself out. If that happens, then when he's of age, he'll want to drop out of high school. Since we won't let him do that, i'm sure he'll become a defiant teen. I hope not, but I have to think in the worst possible scenario.
Do you know how to find alternative schools in a particular area?

 

[msklcassidy]

was exactly the same way. He never did his homework and it drove my mom and dad nuts! 2 things my parents did: 1) have him tested -- is he ADHD or is he lazy and gifted or???? 2) take him to a psychologist -- maybe this is his way of rebelling. In the case of my brother, he turned out to be dyslexic (and no one had ever caught it!). He didn't do his homework because he couldn't read. He was/is very intelligent, but the letters just got all scrambled for him. In class and on tests he'd do OK because he could ask someone to help him "interpret" a question. In other words, he was allowed to "slide" by.

I agree that you can't hold his hand his entire life. Ask him what the problem is and "dunno" is not an answer! I think grounding him has proven to be ineffective. The secret is finding out what is effective. Sorry, can't be much help there...my DS is only 7 so I'll likely be asking you what to do when he gets to be that age.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[phillybeth]

Why does he think he's dumb? Have you had him tested for learning disabilities?

 

[azgal81]

I second the idea about getting him a part time job in a less desirable field. My uncle was the same way he was failing all his classes and just didn't care so my grandpa got him a part time job making steel to show him what he would be doing if he didn't get his act together! It worked my uncle shaped up and even graduated with honors because he realized that was not what he wanted to be doing. I think that while you can show him the starting wages and tell him this is what he can expect if doesn't shape up it probably won't have nearly the positive affect of him actually participating in the job. Numbers are just numbers when you are that age they don't mean anything he doesn't know how much everday expenses are.

I don't think his grades have anything to do about how bright he is I just think he doesn't care. You have to find something that you can take away from him or do to make him realize he needs to get decent grades. Sounds like you took everything you could away from him so maybe you should try a different approach. Maybe sit with him each night as he completes his homework, talk to his teachers and see if they have any suggestions. I'm sure they have seen this before.

 

[mickeysgal]

I don't have much to offer. You can ground them, council them, praise them, analyze them, tutor them, etc. but the fact is that some kids just don't like school. It may be no more complicated than that. Some kids just march to a different drummer or just take longer - much longer - to mature. I'm not excusing his responsibilities and obligations. And I definitely feel he should continue playing hockey. Exercise keeps stress down and being on a team builds self-esteem. In many ways, for this kind of child, this can be as important as doing well in school as you need self-esteem to accomplish anything in life. The question is, what do you do with these kind of kids? Does your school district have a program with an alternative learning classroom program? I remember hearing about a school once where there was a program for those kids that just need to learn different. Instead of desks, there were couches. It was very laid back. The approach was entirely different than the regular classroom structure. If your district is well-known as respected as you indicate, they must have something alternative in place. Good luck!

 

[TammiMcMan]

Hugs and support to you and your family . I truly wish these little buggers came with an instructional manual, because there are plenty of times when I could have used some extra help in trying to figure them out. Whole bunches of "would of, could of, should of".

It sounds like he has a low self esteem issue at school. I have mixed feelings about hockey, but from how you've explained it, he doesn't seem like a fresh kid bent on not doing his homework. More like someone who's not quite mature yet and struggling to find his place in the world. I think if you take that away from him, it might do more harm than good. Someone mentioned possibly getting the hockey coach involved. I know in Pop Warner football, you must have a C average in school in order to play that year. If your son needs nothing more than incentive, perhaps the coach could also instill that policy with his own "team". Another thought to present to your son, is that if he intends on playing high school hockey, then grades are going to be a factor in whether or not he can play. In other words, now is the time to help him turn things around.

A couple of thoughts that I had, first of all, have you talked to your pediatrician or family doctor to rule out any medical issues? I have a 16 year old son and from the 6th-8th grade, I'd swear he had somehow lost all brain capacity. He didn't remember anything that was said to him and he too struggled in school. I honestly think it's some sort of hormonal imbalance that boys go through at that age. They are super sensitive (almost worst than girls), immature and forgetful. I never thought I'd make it through middle school with my son .

Second thought, have you talked with the school? Some are definitely better than others when it comes to academic involvement. If they offer a peer group, that might be great for him to join, as well as having an advisor or school counselor that he can meet with everyday. Someone on the front line that has immediate access to any school work that he didn't turn in that day, a gentle reminder to make sure that his homework is in his backpack at the end of the day. My son went from a public middle school to a catholic high school and it was like night and day. He went from a D student, not bringing home school work half of the time, to an honors student in his first semester there. Sending him to catholic school was not a tough decision for us to make though. He'd be nothing more than a number at our town's high school and definitely would have been one of those kids who slip through the cracks.

From my limited experience, I'd say that there might be an underlying issue here that he might not feel comfortable talking to you about. It could be peer pressure, which for a young teen, can be intense. Maybe an afternoon out with mom & son on neutral grounds (even a daytrip to the zoo or local musuem). Get a conversation started and don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions. It will probably start out as nothing more than one word answers from your son, lots of head hanging and slouched shoulders, but with support, love and open dialogue, it's amazing how much closer you can become and probably figure out how to get past this .

Just follow your heart.

 

[disneygals]

No advice...just hugs