Other people "parenting" my kids...

[Magpie]

I've been thinking about this, in light of a certain other thread, and it occurs to me that I've got conflicting opinions on the issue...

Years ago, when my son was four, he had a meltdown at a gymnastics event. As I was trying to drag him off into a corner for a time out, he was screaming and hitting. Suddenly, another parent stepped up and dropped down on her heels to look him right in the eye. "You DO NOT hit your Mother!" she said, wagging her finger at him. "You NEVER hit your Mother!"

My son immediately stopped crying and sat right down on the bench for his time out. And once I got over my initial shock, I thought, "Wow, that was pretty awesome." So I went over, thanked her, and we're very good friends now. And the best part is, my son never tried to hit me again! I think the fact that he'd succeeded in ticking off a complete outsider made more of an impression on him, than anything I could have said.

But there is another kind of help I can definitely do without!

On another occasion when my son was four (it was a rough year), he stole a novelty pencil from a friend's house. I caught him, and made him give it back with an apology. He cried, of course. And what does my friend (a mother herself!) do? She says, "Oh no! It's okay! Don't make him apologize. He can have the pencil."

Well, you know what? Stealing is NOT okay, and no he can't have the pencil!

While that second woman's interference briefly annoyed me, I was grateful for the first, even if (or maybe especially because) it wouldn't have occurred to me at the time to make "hitting Mommy" a big issue.

I don't want to bring up my kids in a vacuum, where I'm stuck with all the responsibility - I want to bring them up as part of a broader society, where they have to get along with all sorts of people, not just me. I don't think I'd do a very good job, all by myself. There are times when I can use the help!

And I'm worried that if they get the attitude, "No one tells me what to do, just my mom!" that eventually they'll decide that, "No one tells me what to do - not even my mom!" And that doesn't bode well for holding down a job, or maintaining a marriage, or any kind of success in life. We all have to deal with authority, every day of our lives.

What's been your experience with other people "parenting" your kids? Has it been good? Bad?

 

[Carlyzmom]

I believe if it is done out of love and the parenting values are agreeable to yours, it is perfectly OK. I don't want someone who doesn't love my kids to get on to them (unless it is a teacher at school). You can usually tell right away if it is done with a caring attitude or not.

 

[taximomfor4]

I try to impress upon my children that they are to obey MY rules all the time, they are ALSO expected to obey the rules of wherever they are in addition. So if they are at their friend's house, they must obey what they know MY rules are, but ALSO must obey their friend's parents' household rules.

MY brain is fuzzy today -- not sure if I explained that correctly, lol.

 

[SpecialK]

Family members or good friends I have no problem with, strangers not so much.

I have a sister-in-law who would not allow anyone to say a word to her kids about their behavior, and believe me, they needed somebody to say something. Family get-togethers were rough when they were little.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Magpie,

There is one very obvious difference between the two examples that you give.

in the first, the other woman was clearly trying to bolster the actions you were taking as a parent.

In the second, while perhaps well-meaning, this woman was, in reality, undermining the actions that you were taking as a parent.
And, IMHO, that is almost never okay.

I agree that parents can support and help each other...
But, I think people need to be very careful about any comments or actions that undermine the parents. They are YOUR kids.

 

[golfgal]

I think that this is one reason our society has taken such a turn for the worse, no one looks out for anyone else any more. When we were young and doing something we were not supposed to be doing, you bet the lady down the street would make us stop AND call our parents and we could catch heck again. Having that extra 'oversight' kept a lot of kids in line. Oh, that and the parents BELIEVED the lady that called vs "my Johnny could NEVER do that".

If my kids are misbehaving when we are not around you bet I would expect someone to step in.

OP, in your second example I would have told the woman that I am trying to teach my child that stealing is not ok and no he can not have the pencil, keeping in mind that a 4 year old doesn't see that as stealing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have a sister-in-law who would not allow anyone to say a word to her kids about their behavior, and believe me, they needed somebody to say something.

Ohhh, I think that we've all seen this scenario before....

But, even if these kids really did need discipline....
I have to disagree that you or other family members should be 'talking to the kids' about their behavior.
(unless you/they were the particular adult in charge, in their own home, babysitting, etc....)

If it is not your home, and it is not your kids....
Then I would not cross/undermine a parent.

There is a big difference in providing discipline, and undermining a parent who is right there.

If something really needed said, then it should be said to the parents....

If it is MY home, heck yeah... I would find a way to address it.
If I were the one supervising the kids... heck yeah, I would find a way to address it.

If things were truly being disrupted and destroyed in my home, and the SIL refused to let me control the situation... Then, very simply, I would have to tell DB and SIL that I simply could not let that kind of disrespect and destruction be welcome into my home.

But, IMHO, one should be very careful about crossing/undermining a parent who is right there, in front of the kids.

 

[npmommie]

Family members or good friends I have no problem with, strangers not so much.

This

 

[Magpie]

Magpie,

There is one very obvious difference between the two examples that you give.

in the first, the other woman was clearly trying to bolster the actions you were taking as a parent.

In the second, while perhaps well-meaning, this woman was, in reality, undermining the actions that you were taking as a parent.
And, IMHO, that is almost never okay.

I agree that parents can support and help each other...
But, I think people need to be very careful about any comments or actions that undermine the parents. They are YOUR kids.

Ah, that makes sense! And it probably explains why I'm still friends with the first mom, and haven't talked to the other in ages. I like her, but I think we didn't have as much in common.

OP, in your second example I would have told the woman that I am trying to teach my child that stealing is not ok and no he can not have the pencil, keeping in mind that a 4 year old doesn't see that as stealing.

I think he understood that it was stealing, considering this was the second time he stole something (he brought home another child's show-and-tell toy a week earlier), AND he tried to smuggle the pencil out to our car by hiding it under his shirt.

"What have you got?"

"Nuffing!"

He was a fairly devious little guy!

 

[chamonix]

At Epcot last summer my daughter, her cousin, myself and my dh were standing and waiting for Illuminations at a small section of railing. Just as it starts, two small children squeeeeeeezed in between our legs, then proceeded to fight over the teeny space (which was no space at all, really but I was willing to put up with it since they were kids).

The parents stood a few feet back and occasionally told them to stop fighting, but they cried and fought the whole time anyway. Finally, since i was tired of the noise and disruption and also of constantly having to watch out to keep from stepping on them as they fought, getting inadvertently hit in the process of their battles.......I bent down and said to the younger girl (she seemed to be the instigator and loudest crier, lol) "honey, I'm sharing this space with you nicely, maybe you could be nice and share your space with your brother too" The little girl quieted down immediately, but a minute later her parents snatched them up and took them away.

I felt bad, wondering if they were mad that i had spoken to their kids or if they just wanted to leave before the crowds. So, here's the thing: you just never know if saying something to someone else's kids is going to help or hurt. On occasion when my dd was in a meltdown it did not help when someone tried to talk to her. I usually offer help to the parent first if I can, but in general think it's best to let the parent handle it. I feel so bad thinking maybe those kids missed the end of illuminations because I said something!

 

[Tinkermommy]

I believe if it is done out of love and the parenting values are agreeable to yours, it is perfectly OK. I don't want someone who doesn't love my kids to get on to them (unless it is a teacher at school). You can usually tell right away if it is done with a caring attitude or not.

This.

I just had a "negative" incident on Sunday. We were having a Halloween party in my subdivision. There was a bounce house.

My 4 year old is playing in it and an other mom comes up and says "Your son isn't letting anyone have a term and he called my daughter a baby and upset her." He is hanging onto the rope ladder thing that you climb up to go on the slide. He's hanging cause he kind of scared. Another bigger kid went and helped him up. Later he was saying "Babies, babies" but just while jumping around.

I explained to him he couldn't just hang on the ladder since others wanted to go up (there were two ladders BTW).

So later, I step away to get the bowls I had brought (literally 3 minutes max). When I come back, by son is sitting down holding his cheek and crying.

The same mom comes up and says, "I told him "Don't touch my baby because he pushed my daughter. You can ask (my daughter's 9 year old friend) since she was here." I didn't say a word to her but glared at her anyway. Her "baby" is at least 3 and bigger than my son. I got him out of the house and went home. He then told me the "baby" scratched him and he pushed her (meanwhile, her daughter was still bouncing around happily).

So in this case, not very fond of this lady and her "parenting" of my son. Honestly, I think she just doesn't like kids (especially boys, she only has the one girl) not treating her daughter like glass. It's a bounce house! And if you don't want anyone else to call her a baby, stop calling her that in front of people!

I will readily admit I didn't see the exchange, but she came across as mean. I regret not saying anything in defense of my son, but didn't want to cause a scene at our neighborhood party.

My girlfriend is mom #2. She will get on my kids just like she does hers and vice versa but we have the same parenting "style" and we both love each others children like our own.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't have a problem with family or friends either, as long as they weren't undermining my authority (like you friend did).
I would have a problem with a stranger butting in, even if, like in your case, it worked out for the best. If there was an issue about saftey, like my child was about to run in the middle of the street and a kind stranger stopped him and reminded him that he shouldn't do that, thats one thing, but to come between me and my child while was there in the middle of disciplining, then we'd be having some words

 

[SpecialK]

Ohhh, I think that we've all seen this scenario before....

But, even if these kids really did need discipline....
I have to disagree that you or other family members should be 'talking to the kids' about their behavior.
(unless you/they were the particular adult in charge, in their own home, babysitting, etc....)

If it is not your home, and it is not your kids....
Then I would not cross/undermine a parent.

There is a big difference in providing discipline, and undermining a parent who is right there.

If something really needed said, then it should be said to the parents....

If it is MY home, heck yeah... I would find a way to address it.
If I were the one supervising the kids... heck yeah, I would find a way to address it.

If things were truly being disrupted and destroyed in my home, and the SIL refused to let me control the situation... Then, very simply, I would have to tell DB and SIL that I simply could not let that kind of disrespect and destruction be welcome into my home.

But, IMHO, one should be very careful about crossing/undermining a parent who is right there, in front of the kids.

Extrapolate much? I should be able to tell a child to stop throwing food at me without being chastised by her mother for interfering.

 

[Magpie]

This.

I just had a "negative" incident on Sunday. We were having a Halloween party in my subdivision. There was a bounce house.

My 4 year old is playing in it and an other mom comes up and says "Your son isn't letting anyone have a term and he called my daughter a baby and upset her." He is hanging onto the rope ladder thing that you climb up to go on the slide. He's hanging cause he kind of scared. Another bigger kid went and helped him up. Later he was saying "Babies, babies" but just while jumping around.

I explained to him he couldn't just hang on the ladder since others wanted to go up (there were two ladders BTW).

So later, I step away to get the bowls I had brought (literally 3 minutes max). When I come back, by son is sitting down holding his cheek and crying.

The same mom comes up and says, "I told him "Don't touch my baby because he pushed my daughter. You can ask (my daughter's 9 year old friend) since she was here." I didn't say a word to her but glared at her anyway. Her "baby" is at least 3 and bigger than my son. I got him out of the house and went home. He then told me the "baby" scratched him and he pushed her (meanwhile, her daughter was still bouncing around happily).

So in this case, not very fond of this lady and her "parenting" of my son. Honestly, I think she just doesn't like kids (especially boys, she only has the one girl) not treating her daughter like glass. It's a bounce house! And if you don't want anyone else to call her a baby, stop calling her that in front of people!

I will readily admit I didn't see the exchange, but she came across as mean. I regret not saying anything in defense of my son, but didn't want to cause a scene at our neighborhood party.

My girlfriend is mom #2. She will get on my kids just like she does hers and vice versa but we have the same parenting "style" and we both love each others children like our own.

I don't think she was "parenting" your son, as much as she was NOT parenting her daughter!

If this was my boy, I'd hug him, tell him that pushing girls is never allowed, not even when you're provoked, and leave it at that. I'd also make sure I'm right on top of things whenever he's anywhere around this woman and her child. (I bet you'll have him help you get the bowls, next time there's a neighbourhood party!)

 

[Magpie]

I don't have a problem with family or friends either, as long as they weren't undermining my authority (like you friend did).
I would have a problem with a stranger butting in, even if, like in your case, it worked out for the best. If there was an issue about saftey, like my child was about to run in the middle of the street and a kind stranger stopped him and reminded him that he shouldn't do that, thats one thing, but to come between me and my child while was there in the middle of disciplining, then we'd be having some words

Well, she wasn't a complete stranger! We've just become closer since then.

I do agree that it would feel weird if I'd never met her before in my life. I did once have a librarian get on my son's case for something, and it wasn't fair because he was just a baby and couldn't understand what she was saying to him. She thought he was a lot older, because he was so big. I just looked at her and said, "He's only eighteen months old!" and her mouth kind of dropped open. Then I heaved him up off the floor and left.

I think she thought he was three or four. And maybe she didn't overstep her bounds since she was the librarian and we were in a library, but it sure didn't feel right.

 

[ccgirl]

I would never parent another child as long as their parent is actually parenting them. My DD was in a bounce house and came out with a bloody nose. I know accidents can happen but this boys parents were not watching him at all so I absolutely said something and those parents never had that boy apologize. I'm sorry but when I am somewhere I do not just let my DD have at it and never check on her. If the child's parents are nowhere to be found or if I observed the infraction I sure do say something, just as I would expect an adult to say something to my child if I wasn't around. You know the saying...it take a village.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I don't think she was "parenting" your son, as much as she was NOT parenting her daughter!

If this was my boy, I'd hug him, tell him that pushing girls is never allowed, not even when you're provoked, and leave it at that. I'd also make sure I'm right on top of things whenever he's anywhere around this woman and her child. (I bet you'll have him help you get the bowls, next time there's a neighbourhood party!)

Thanks, that's exactly what I did! I told him next time anyone hurts him he should come tell me/Daddy or his teacher if he is at school.

I will keep an eye out on this lady as well. I may be making up stories, but it seemed like as soon as I stepped away she was yelling at him.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think that this is one reason our society has taken such a turn for the worse, no one looks out for anyone else any more. When we were young and doing something we were not supposed to be doing, you bet the lady down the street would make us stop AND call our parents and we could catch heck again. Having that extra 'oversight' kept a lot of kids in line. Oh, that and the parents BELIEVED the lady that called vs "my Johnny could NEVER do that".If my kids are misbehaving when we are not around you bet I would expect someone to step in.

I don't hesitate to say something to a child who is not behaving but I do hesitate to say much to another parent. Parents are way to weird these days, they think their children are perfect and how dare someone think otherwise. I do believe in the village concept and don't hesitate to give "the look" or comment on good and bad behavior.

Over the years I have learned to avoid what I view as idiot parents and group with parents that have a similar style as we do. We have removed ourselves from more than one friendship because of beastly children with idiots for parents. We have left churches, complained to restaurant managers, dropped out of car pools etc. I can't stand beastly kids and have no respect for their parents.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am always fine with their adult in charge of wherever "parenting" my child. That means that if my kids are misbehaving (or simply not following the house rules even if I would be okay with it) at the neighbor's house, in someone else's car (to use the example from the thread), at a birthday party, etc., I would EXPECT that the adults in charge of those events are in charge of all the kids there. Even if i am there as well, if I am not parenting my own kid (because I missed what happened, or have my hands full with my other one, don't realize there is a house rule being broken, or what have you) I would still expect those in charge to say something.
Likewise, I figure I have a right to set and enforce rules whenever I am the adult in charge.
In a situation where the parent is there and I am not the adult in charge (for example at a park or parade or on an airplane, etc) I will only say something to a parent or child (and I usually speak directly to a child) if the child is doing something that directly affects me and the parent is doing nothing to stop it (so, for example, if a parent has not even tried to get their child to quit kicking my seatback and we are 20 minutes into the flight I would turn around and nicely explain the the child that when they kick it moves my seat and hurt me and ask them to stop). Or, if in my home a child does not know the house rules and is about to break one I will let them know (nicely)--like we do not allow food or shoes upstairs--no big deal that someone might start up to the playroom with a soda but I let them know it needs to stay downstairs and where they can leave it.

I don't think she was "parenting" your son, as much as she was NOT parenting her daughter!

If this was my boy, I'd hug him, tell him that pushing girls is never allowed, not even when you're provoked, and leave it at that. I'd also make sure I'm right on top of things whenever he's anywhere around this woman and her child. (I bet you'll have him help you get the bowls, next time there's a neighbourhood party!)

Generally I agree with you on parenting stuff but I honestly hate this attitude. I never want my daughter to think she should get special protection just because of her sex or my son to think he should allow a girl to push him around just because he is a boy. Besides, my DD is a black belt and one of the physically strongest people I have ever met--she could taken most anyone. My son is small for is age and not a fighter at all and HAS been pretty seriously injured by some girls who decided they wanted to push him around.

I tell my kids they can NEVER start a fight, but if they have to in order to get safely away they may finish one.

 

[Kat77]

I am going to give my own village story. I grew up in a small town. The sheriff lived next door to my high school director and knew us kids well.

One weekend my best friends cousin calls from a party completely smashed and needing someone to drive him and his truck home. For whatever reason he rode in my car while she followed me in his truck. I stop at a Taco Bell in an attempt to sober him up some before taking him home to his mother. He stumbles out of my car right into an officer. The officer begins questioning us and it was obvious he was about to take us downtown. Thankfully the sherriff from my little town pulls in to order and sees ME being questioned and comes over. He vouched for me! Katie's a great kid... nope, she has not been drinking... I will follow her stupid butt to drunk boys home if that is alright. I was so greatful for MY VILLAGE that night (and willingness to step up in my business). On Monday director called me in for a serious chat while the teachers just ribbed me. I was very embarrassed- I had almost gotten arrested! Those adults who had no issue correcting me also had my back and would defend me if necessary. It was a sweet lesson to learn at sixteen.