OT: When do you stop inviting extended family to birthday parties?

[Jaycey'smom]

We have always tought our DD that the same rules that apply at our house she needs to use at others homes. (and she does...we love it when ppl praise us on how well mannered our DD is) But we have neices and newphews on both sides that do not have these same rules. I let them know that this is where you can/can't eat/drink. If or when I see any of the kids eating/drinking where they are not allowed (parents there or not) I just say no you can't eat/drink in here only the kitchen or outside on the patio. My and my DH sisters/brothers let there kids run wild .....but not at my house. They know Aunt S and Uncle C dont play that. But all the kids want to stay with us and do not have a problem when we tell them no. We dont let our daughter do it so I am not going to let our neices, newphews, cousions, or friends kids do it. The kids don't look at us like we are mean...and I don't care what the parents think!!

 

[disneyfreakk]

Since you say that your DH is OCD and it's HIS side of the family, let him deal with the nieces messes. I know it will be hard to do, but just let it go. My DH and I have a deal, he deals with his side of the family the way he sees fit and I deal with mine the way I want to. Maybe if your DH actually has to deal with the little darlings (and their mother) he will be more understanding to your argument.


Good luck

 

[cinmell]

Everytime they've been to my home they have broken something or have spilled food/drinks on my couch. I have tried saying we do not eat in other rooms but SIL has completely ignored me and taken them into the living room and allowed them to eat there. The girls are young, 4 and 7 now but has always done this with them.

We now have parties out of the home for our kids. At my son's last bday party my SIL allowed the youngest to crawl up on the table and strip the cheese off 2 of the 3 pizzas I had set asside for the adults. She watched as she dumped a pitcher of soda on the plates of 2 other children. I turned and just missed by said "oh no you don't" and went to grab the pitcher. SIL said "oh honey, its okay" to the daughter and shot me a very nasty look.

The child actually took the cheese off of TWO whole pizzas?

Your SIL sounds like a real piece of work. I wouldn't invite them to the party.

Good luck with this. I know how ugly dealing with family can be.

 

[hlane]

I stopped having b-day parties for my kids for this very reason. It was a huge stressful event every year and so not worth it. Since my kids were about three we've started doing something for just our family (me, dh, and the boys).
We've done WDW (thats the extreme case, once for each kid), Great Wolf Lodge, a local amusement park, or something else along those lines. We also go out to eat for dinner where ever they want and they get a few gifts from us as well.
I don't have the back bone to say some family members not others so this is the best way for us to avoid that and still make it special.
Oh, as far as my kids friends, we will usually have just a couple over after school for cake and ice cream too, plus they always take in very nice treat bags for their classmates.
Basically I try to make a huge deal out of their birthdays so they don't ever miss having a party...so far it's working.

 

[MrsPooh]

Our family always has a "family" party. It is usually at the home of the child and includes an easy dinner, cake and gifts plus time for the extended family to be together. It is generally grandparents, aunt/uncles & cousins plus one great aunt.

Some years the girls get to have a friend party that is friends only. When they were younger it was 10 - 15 girls, sometimes at home, sometimes at other locations. Now that they are older it is usually just a couple of girls for a sleepover.

We would not invite cousins to the friends party but they are always welcome at the family party. We have some issues with each of our bil's but not destructive.

Sorry you have to deal with this family issue.

 

[arminnie]

In my family we have a saying- "Your parents wil be dead and gone but your brothers and sisters will be there forever."

The way I've heard that saying is "When your parents are dead and gone you don't have to see your brothers and sisters (the obnoxious ones) anymore.

 

[seashoreCM]

So all that to ask, when do you stop inviting cousins to attend birthday parties?

At the end of the party they misbehaved at.

SIL said "oh honey, its okay" to the daughter...

SIL said a false sentence.

... and shot me a very nasty look.?

OK to change the topic of conversation at that moment and comment out loud about the expression on her face.

Disney hints: http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

After the party, you make a resolution not to invite them again. You do not have to wait until next January 1.

Actually, as soon as someone misbehaves, if time permits you speak to the parent and give the parent a chance to correct the situation. Then you step in and correct the situation youself (as you did to the kid playing with the cheese). If time does not permit then you step in immediately and correct the situation.

In any one group including at Disney there is only one boss' hat. You may keep that hat as long/much as you wish or the hat can be passed as often or as quickly as desired.

Back to the cheese, when SIL contradicted you you should have recontradicted and continued making things happen your way. If someone else wants a boss' hat s/he should split up i.e. go separate ways, preferably making the announcement him/herself that s/he will do so.

Someone else who contradicts you can also be added to your do-not-invite list.

Note: A boss' hat can be worn at the same time as a parent's hat, a photographer's hat and a park guest's hat although only one of the latter three can be worn at any one moment and the latter three are unlimited in quantity.

 

[brenalexacamp]

classmates only

 

[mrstomrice]

Our family also went with the theory that family parties end after the 5th birthday, when the friend parties start. We have agreed to also stop exchanging gifts after the 5th birthday, as we have 13 cousins on my side alone. We do not have any family party when the friend parties start, with the exception of having grandparents over for dinner and cake. Enough is enough and these events are getting too expensive and out of hand, imo.
Good luck!

 

[hereyago]

If your husband is that OCD. But he wants his peeps to come. Tell him, if they make a mess, he gets to clean it up or he gets to pay for a housekeeping service to come in and clean afterwards.

 

[wlwilliams9]

Our family stops inviting family (except Gram & Gramps) to b-days when they reach school age and have school friends to celebrate with.

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

I still invite my cousins! Haha!! I always have, but I know what you're saying. I started having separate parties around first grade, but I still invited my cousins. My family parties included the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-aunts, second cousins...you get the picture. We're very family oriented.

I agree with some PPs. If your husband wants them there, he can deal with his sister and the messes her daughters make. See how he responds to that.

 

[Stacerita]

I would let DS decide who he wants at his party. And if given the choice, would not invite those nieces if possible. If they weren't your nieces, would you allow them to behave like that at your house and still invite them back? Probably not.

 

[justtobeme2]

You never know your SIL might be very happy not to be invited. I certainly wish I wasn't invited to the nieces/nephews birthday parties to sit around and watch a bunch of wild kids riding roughshot over the house and people there. God knows I love the nieces/nephews but I much prefer them one on one.

 

[Kathi OD]

Since you say that your DH is OCD and it's HIS side of the family, let him deal with the nieces messes. I know it will be hard to do, but just let it go. My DH and I have a deal, he deals with his side of the family the way he sees fit and I deal with mine the way I want to. Maybe if your DH actually has to deal with the little darlings (and their mother) he will be more understanding to your argument.


Good luck

This is exactly what I was thinking! If it's DH's family, then he can be the one to deal with the mess. You've had the discussion and made your feelings known. If he insists on the nieces being invited, then he gets the job of cleaning up after them when they leave....and in my house he would get the job. Whatever mess they made would stay there until he took care of it. If is is truly OCD, then it won't take but an hour after they're gone for the mess to be cleaned up.

I would remind him of this responsibility EVERY single time he wants these inconsiderate people in your home.

 

[Va-bear]

You state DH is OCD about the home- but YOU are the one complaining about the food outside the DR and kitchen. Food is just food, but FAMILY is FAMILY. How often do you really see these people? SUCK IT UP. MAN UP. Don't drive a wedge between him and his family- you'll regret it later. In my family we have a saying- "Your parents wil be dead and gone but your brothers and sisters will be there forever."
It's kinda morbid- but it is what it is.
Don't be rude- invite the girls and don't stress over it- the only ones who look bad when they misbehave are your BIL & SIL.

I agree 100%. We all have some wacky relatives and, definately, your neices/SIL need to learn some major manners, but they are still family. They are not perfect.....buy who is? They are still family. So, you may need to steam clean the sofa once a year....small price to pay to teach your children the value of family.(You can even use your neices poor behavior as a teaching tool for your own children, they certainly will see how others dont like their behavior....they also will learn about forgiveness this way too.)

 

[EMom]

I agree 100%. We all have some wacky relatives and, definately, your neices/SIL need to learn some major manners, but they are still family. They are not perfect.....buy who is? They are still family. So, you may need to steam clean the sofa once a year....small price to pay to teach your children the value of family.(You can even use your neices poor behavior as a teaching tool for your own children, they certainly will see how others dont like their behavior....they also will learn about forgiveness this way too.)

I disagree. The value of family? What does that mean? DNA? In this case, "family" lets her children run wild, destroy things, encourages them to disobey the OP's house rules, and in general is a pain in the rear who is raising hellions in training. Where is the "value" in that kind of family? The SIL has no respect for anyone.

If anything, SIL needs to be taught a lesson about respecting the rules in other people's homes. If she wants to raise a pack of wolves who have no table manners, etc., more power to her. But I would not allow her to ruin my child's (probably rather expensive) birthday party because she's too useless to discipline her own children. If you can't behave in public, then people stop inviting you to join them. Natural consequences, you know?

We only eat and drink in the breakfast nook and dining room. I am far from a neat freak. But I do not want my carpet, sofa, etc. ruined by stains and smells. Steam cleaning doesn't always improve things......It can make things worse. (Ruin the dye in fabrics, etc.) DD has eaten only in those rooms since infancy and she is fine. Other kids who come here follow her lead and they're fine. Most people I know follow the same rule...Only eat/drink in the "eating" rooms. It's a reasonable rule.

Your child is at an appropriate age to stop inviting the nieces to his parties. Tell your DH that if he can't control them (and we all know, including him, that he cannot) that they do not need to come and risk ruining the event. You can meet them for a Happy Meal a day later. Heaven help McDonald's.