OT: What would you do (re: a wedding)

[chrissiecutie]

That is pretty silly. If the bride and groom wanted to have as many people there as possible, they could get married in Ontario. It sounds like that's not their goal so you shouldn't have to worry about it.

Exactly! DH and I got married in Vegas for this reason alone! We didn't want everyone there! We still had 50+ but it was all family, no friends or friends of your parents or friends of your friends of your parents...etc. We played in safe and sent invites to EVERYONE knowing full well that most of them wouldn't be able to come. We still looked like the nice couple for thinking of everyone with the added bonus of not having to deal with everyone's cr*p. But that's another story...

BTW it was wonderful, we celebrate 5 years this November, together for almost 10. Going strong!

 

[mncherokee]

Ok... I have read most of the postings...

What strikes me is this... you say they live in Australia and want the wedding in Vancouver although most family is in Ontario? To me it looks like they choose a destination that would be in between where they live and where the rest of the family lives... so everyone wouldn't have to travel out of the country.

I am guessing that your DH will remain in the middle of this one. I had a situation with my ex-IL and my ex-H where we were expected to go to a family reunion without my son (not considered family) and I didn't want to go without him. I wanted my ex to stick up for our family... he never did and wound up going alone.

I can see that this event will carry with it bad feelings for years to come... (I know... I have been there) the question I have for you is this: How do you want those relationships to be perceived in the future? Chances are, years down the line, your job (you are worrying about vacation from now) will be a distant memory... your finances will improve... but your SIL will still be in the picture and do you really want to be the one at the family reunion years from now that no one has spoken to in years because of this one event? What does your DH want to do? At this point, you probably need to do some damage control. And since you sent the email, you will need to address it in order to repair the riff.

 

[disykat]

A lot of people apparently missed this. The people coming from Australia already plan on visiting family in Ontario after the wedding. Vancouver is out of the way for them as well. It is not a meet in the middle thing. The bride specifically picked the destination as a destination wedding.

As others have said, an invitation shouldn't be a demand. You graciously accept that not everyone can travel to attend a wedding. I got married near Christmas in a snowstorm. I was happy anyone came! I knew darn well that it would be timed poorly for some and it got even worse due to the storm. No hard feelings here. My brother, whom I'm very close to and lived only 200 miles away, was iffy at points because of his job and I was fine with it. My extended family that live closest (400 miles) were planning on coming and couldn't because of the storm. Again, no hard feelings.

I can see having your feelings hurt if close family won't drive 150 miles for your wedding. However, being offended that someone won't drive 2500 each way to your wedding is just being silly.

 

[Zeebs]

This has been brewing in our house for awhile, but I wanted some outside opinions on it.
My husband's sister is engaged and planning to get married in the summer of 2009.
The long and short of the story is that she met her fiance at a wedding and moved to Australia to be with him. She's been there a couple of years and he proposed on her 30th bday. We're happy for her and he's very nice. So, good news.
Because she's living there and family is here she has decided to get married "at home" (meaning Canada). So, my MIL calls and tells us that SIL's dream wedding is in Vancouver. It's on the other side of the country (we're in Ontario). So, the expectation is that my family, so DH, me and our 2 kids, will fly to Vancouver, be a part of the wedding, give gifts, etc. All on our own dime.
There is no family in that city. There are no friends there. She just likes it.
To me this seems really selfish. For us to attend it will cost thousands of dollars. (approx $2500 for flights alone) And she's expecting everyone to fly out and give gifts.
DH and I discussed it and I finally wrote an e-mail to his mom on behalf of both of us, saying we're really happy for SIL, but for us the cost of the wedding will be impossible. I'm returning to work after mat leave and we will have a nanny to pay. I said that DH would like to attend, and we will make a huge effort to get him there, but probably not the kids and I.
So now no one on his side is talking to me.
Just wondering what other people's thoughts are on this.
At this point I'm being branded as selfish and uncaring. I guess I just feel like it's a huge financial expectation of us. If it were anywhere near us (his parents live a couple of hours away) we would happily go and of course give a gift. The only question asked of me is that if we can't afford the flight for the whole family could DH go with just the kids? There's no way I would consider letting both of my children fly across the country without me.

I haven't read all the posts but I wanted to give you my take on it because my situation is kind of like your SIL's, I moved away from home, New Zealand to the UK and met a Brit. We live in the UK but decided to get married in New Zealand because it is my home country and we had more chance of people from the UK coming than my family coming to NZ. We chose a city, because we both liked it and it wasn't near my family (but NZ is not a huge country like Canada) it was also chosen because it meant everyone had to travel but just the once, no getting to airport and then having to make their way inland for 5 hours to get to the town I grew up in. It was a major city that international flights could come into from the UK and Australia. I do think my parents were a bit upset by the decision but they never said anything. I just think they would have liked it at "home"

Yes people made an effort to come, we had quite a few from the UK but two of Hubbys brothers and their families couldn't come, (he has 4 so no biggie ) we understood it was a long way and the expense and time required was a factor. At one point one of his brothers was going to try and come without the family but it just didn't work out. We were disapointed obviously that all his family couldn't be there, but we knew it was going to happen. When we returned to the UK we had a party for those that couldn't attend.

I think it is very unfair that they are not talking to you over this, but given it is your husbands mother, maybe he could talk to her and again explain that the cost is just too much but again he is willing to come. He needs to make it clear that it isn't your decision alone and tell her to pull her head in and stop being so childish. I hope his sister is more understanding of the situation as she should know the implications of living so far from home.

Best Wishes
Kirsten

 

[tinah159]

The first thing that I thought of while reading your post was that YOU emailed the inlaws and said why your family would not be attending. Your husband should have done that since it is HIS family. This put you in the position of being the "bad guy" so to speak. I think that ultimately its his family and he needs to take care of the situation.

Those are my thoughts exactly.

 

[jenrein]

I think that seeing as weddings are meant to be a once in a lifetime experience that everyone should get to have theirs how and when they want it. Maybe they cannot get everyone they want to come, and maybe they can.

My sister just spent the last 18 months planning her dream wedding. This meant that I had to travel from Fl to NY. Also myself and all 3 of my kids were in her wedding. So between using all of my vacation time, travel expenses, 3 bridesmaid dresses, one tux, mani-pedis for the wedding party, the bachelorette party we all split, hair dresser for 3 girls, etc etc I almost spent as much on her wedding as I did on mine. We actually had to start our own wedding fund for the upcoming trip!

However, I love my family and would have done it all over again. I never even flinched when the idea was brought up and anything she wanted I wanted her to be happy. Its the one day she will always remember and I would want to be a part of it no matter what.