This post by you changed how I feel about the SIL a bit. And the MIL.
....he has family near hers (that's how they met) and any of his family members who came over would have somewhere to stay so there would be no hotel costs associated.
To put it in perspective, we make an effort with SIL. We send her pictures (both snail mail and e-mail) and never get a response. When DS was first talking we taught him to say her name and "Australia" and stuff and made a video of it. Her response was to call her mom and say he speaks illegibly. Every year we send Christmas gifts and birthday gifts and she doesn't send us any.
And, yes, DH has both called and e-mailed her about this. There's just been no response except for her to call her mom who sends the message through to us.
Well first, you're making a pretty big assumption about where the groom's family will stay. I personally won't stay with family; I did stay at my dad's in September, and that's enough for me. I won't stay with family. Hotels or nothing. So if his family is like me, then that would be a wrong assumption to make.
But seriously, WHY did MIL tell you that about what her daughter said? What on earth got into her head to share that? It's one thing for SIL to say it...I think we've all said things in private that aren't the nicest things ever...but for MIL to pass it along? Yuck.
And it sounds like SIL is very strange about communication. She's making MIL do the talking for her.
Ultimately, though...you either want to go or you don't. If you want to, you try to go. If you can't, you can't. I've *wanted* to go to weddings that I couldn't go to. I've also NOT wanted to go to weddings, and I didn't try to go. I don't let destination get in the way of want vs not want.
And if you've never been to Vancouver, you need to look into it. It's an INCREDIBLE city. Clean, beautiful, gorgeous. I live south of Seattle, and we will drive or train right by to go to Vancouver b/c it's so beyond gorgeous.
Speaking of the train, have you looked into that? I'm not sure of the time or the cost (when I was helping a friend look into cross-Canada by train I was converting everything to US dollars, which made it so much more expensive, so really don't know) but it might be worth looking into. IF you WANT to try to go.
Oh, and also, since nothing is set in stone, it's not even appropriate to be giving regrets or yesses yet. Once things are set, then specific questions of if the kids can be in the wedding can be answered. Answer nothing until absolute dates and places are set. And make sure hubby is talking to his sister; none of this "going through mom" nonsense.
Just within the last 2 weeks, Dear Abby or Ann Landers ( I can't remember the current name of the person who writes the newspaper advice column), had a great reply for destination wedding invitations.
Basically, she said that these weddings are usually done by people who have already been living together, are self-absorbed to begin with and think their wedding is the most special happening in the history of the world. They have no regard for the amount of money it would take for their guests to attend and do not consider that people just might not want to spend their vacation time from work for their wedding. She said for these people to think of their family first.
Holy....my admiration for AL has just gone to zero. If your paraphrasing is correct, she knows very little.
We live near Seattle. So does hubby's family. My family lives in CA, VA, OR, and all over. We have no special-to-us places in Seattle or Tacoma, and we don't belong to a church. And we wanted the reception to have a certain kind of microbrew. So we had our wedding in Oregon, at a place that makes that beer. It was much less expensive than ANY place we could have found up here, and we saved 9% b/c OR doesn't have taxes.
I figured that if my family had to fly from all over the country, his family could drive 3 hours. Seemed fair to me.
But even driving 3 hours could be a lot (especially to Seattleites who seem to hate to leave their city, LOL), so we expected not to see everyone, and we did not, indeed, see everyone.
First off, I think it's unfair for you to call the bride "selfish" for having her wedding on the opposite side of the country from you. It's their day, and their decision, and the whereabout of her guests and/or their travel issues shouldn't be her concern.
I absolutely agree, but I changed "her" to "their".
I definitely think that your husband should of been the one to call his sister to say that his family couldn't make it.
Yep. Except that things need to be firmer, with specifics already hashed out, before anything like this is discussed outside the OP's home. IMO.
After all, it isn't just any wedding. This is not a co-worker. It is not a friend. It is not a cousin. It is the OP's DH's sister. I don't know, maybe I'm just closer to my family? Even the sister I don't like whose destination wedding I went to when we were barely on speaking terms. She was still my sister, and things change. I have no regrets having gone, and I'm pretty sure I would have regretted not going.
SIL family is in Canada. Future BIL family is in Australia. No matter where she gets married, it is a destination wedding for at least 50%. Maybe this is kind of a compromise; no playing favorites.
About going to your sister's family, good for you! We tried SO hard to get my SIL to go to our wedding. She was holding nonsensical grudges from years before, and wanted some big "I get to yell at my brother and he doesn't get to defend himself" session with him, before deciding if she would go or not. Since she had made-up problems, and he had legitimate issues with her (she had insisted, through her parents, that he give her his car, three different times, and he was FORCED to do so by his parents. Within a few months she destroyed EACH car, and never gave him even a dollar for any of it...and that's just one subject of all the issues he has with her) he declined to acquiesce to her request, and she opted not to go. It has put a HUGE rift, even bigger than it was before, between them.
Making a decision to not go to a wedding for any reason other than "we absolutely cannot afford it" with a sibling can damage the relationship forever.
And I agree, it's always going to be a compromise. Can we even imagine what the Australian side is saying about flying in, especially if they ARE choosing to stay with family (ooh fun, getting to sleep on floors!)?
The problem is that this was your HUSBANDS responsibility. He should have spoken to his moher in person or over the phone.
Should have talked to his *sister*, but otherwise I agree.
And about parents not wanting their kids to be in weddings.... I put a big
on that. The only thing I really wanted at my wedding if it had to be a big thing (I was trying to plan my *husband's* dream day...I wanted Vegas with almost no one there) was lots of children running around, being joyous and boisterous. We arranged a special kid's price (for the same food), I would have arranged for fun kids' tables. If any kids had come. Well, we had 4. My half sister was my jr b'maid. A b'maid's older son was the ring bearer. And there were two cutie babies there. And that's it. We asked, by name, every single child of all of our guests to be there. But no one wanted to bring them. Too much of a pain. Too difficult. Didn't want to reign them in. My b'maid whose son was the ring bearer left her second son with her parents!
We had the wedding in a meadow! PLenty of running around space, outdoors where yelling was fine. We didn't videotape it so there was no worry about crying being on tape. In fact when one of the babies cried during our ceremony we smiled, b/c it was a beautiful sound of life and family.
We were incredibly saddened that only 4 children were at our wedding, b/c parents were worried about things WE weren't worried about (meaning, they were worried about behaviour that we weren't worried about)....of course $$ is something we couldn't argue with, but no matter, we were still saddened.
Though the non-relative baby danced with me (she sat her diapered bottom on my silk-gowned hip) for a few dances, and we called her our "baby voodoo" b/c we ended up with a honeymoon baby (*cough* two full and two half days in Vancouver before and after our Alaskan cruise *cough*).
OP, if you can't go you can't go. If you don't WANT to go, don't. Let hubby deal with his sister, not his mom. If it's important to his sister, she'll talk to him. If it's not that important to her, well, it's not that important.
And definitely look into Vancouver; it's a beautiful city to visit!
