OT: What would you do (re: a wedding)

[Miss LD]

This has been brewing in our house for awhile, but I wanted some outside opinions on it.
My husband's sister is engaged and planning to get married in the summer of 2009.
The long and short of the story is that she met her fiance at a wedding and moved to Australia to be with him. She's been there a couple of years and he proposed on her 30th bday. We're happy for her and he's very nice. So, good news.
Because she's living there and family is here she has decided to get married "at home" (meaning Canada). So, my MIL calls and tells us that SIL's dream wedding is in Vancouver. It's on the other side of the country (we're in Ontario). So, the expectation is that my family, so DH, me and our 2 kids, will fly to Vancouver, be a part of the wedding, give gifts, etc. All on our own dime.
There is no family in that city. There are no friends there. She just likes it.
To me this seems really selfish. For us to attend it will cost thousands of dollars. (approx $2500 for flights alone) And she's expecting everyone to fly out and give gifts.
DH and I discussed it and I finally wrote an e-mail to his mom on behalf of both of us, saying we're really happy for SIL, but for us the cost of the wedding will be impossible. I'm returning to work after mat leave and we will have a nanny to pay. I said that DH would like to attend, and we will make a huge effort to get him there, but probably not the kids and I.
So now no one on his side is talking to me.
Just wondering what other people's thoughts are on this.
At this point I'm being branded as selfish and uncaring. I guess I just feel like it's a huge financial expectation of us. If it were anywhere near us (his parents live a couple of hours away) we would happily go and of course give a gift. The only question asked of me is that if we can't afford the flight for the whole family could DH go with just the kids? There's no way I would consider letting both of my children fly across the country without me.

 

[happy dude]

Sounds like your inlaws are just looking for an excuse to not talk to you. You explained why you couldn't attend. Unless there was some unsavory language in the email, that should have been enough.

 

[happymommy]

I agree. If it's too much, and your husband is willing to fly out, that really should be enough! It's his sister after all! I can't imagine being angry with you over that at all.

Just don't let it get to you. You have made your decision - let them get over it.

Just re-read your post - so they want your kids there? Why? IMHO a wedding is mainly an adult affair. That is just selfish of them to suggest IMHO.

I remember when my SIL got engaged and told us the date and time (it was an evening wedding) and my kids were only about 4 and 6, I told her "good, now I can get a babysitter for that date". Well, no she insisted she wanted my kids IN the wedding! As someone without kids of her own, she had NO IDEA what a pain it was to get them all ready, have them stay up there at the altar (for a god awful boring ceremony), and watch them as the reception started when it was already way past their bedtimes. I had my mom fly in for it, then as soon as the reception started, my mom took the kids home! It was such a pain for all of us, and honestly the ceremony would have been just fine without kids there. No one takes kids to an evening/night wedding that I've ever been to. Plus, we had to spend all this money on tux and dress/shoes for the kids that they wore for only a couple of hours. I wish I could have told her I didn't want them there, but we also have 2 other nieces that were in it, so we had to go along. One of them (younger than my DD) was so fidgety and talking up there the whole time too. It was silly. Okay, thanks for letting me rant!

 

[tlbwriter]

If I were in your shoes, I'd have DH go alone, or have nobody go. Your ILs are being selfish, childish, and unreasonable. And honestly, if they stopped speaking to me over this, I would strongly lean toward nobody going!

 

[EthansMom]

You're not the only one who's been put in this situation.

My cousin had his wedding out on a small island in the Puget Sound (Washington State). There was only one pricey resort on the island. The wedding was held so late that you couldn't catch a ferry back to the mainland that night. Other planned events (golf, etc..) were $$$$ too.

The reality is that not everyone can afford to spend so much money to attend someone else's wedding. It's great if a couple wants to have a destination wedding, but they shouldn't expect that all of their friends and family will want to spend their money and vacation time attending the wedding.

 

[Aliceacc]

For starters, why are YOU the selfish one, and not you and DH?? Does he have no say?

And I agree 100%-- those destination weddings sound wonderful, but impose an incredible financial hardship on some of those invited. If you choose to have a wedding far from family and friends, you're going to have to accept the fact that not everyone has the financial means to attend. (Unless, of course, you're willing to pick up the expenses they'll incur.)

You and your husband have 2 kids, so your priorities are very different from your sister-in-law's.

She has every right to the wedding of her dreams. And you have every right to decline attending if it imposes a financial hardship on your family.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

When people do a destination wedding they have to realize they are placing a huge burden on their guests. We did one at Disney. We also made it clear we understood if people could not travel to share the day with us. We had quite a few that did not attend and it wasn't a shock or problem. It was our choice to hold the wedding so far from home and family. Things like family obligations, money, time off from work, children missing school, etc all play into whether folks can or will attend. I have to take your side in this. I think its unfair for the family to be mad because you cannot attend. I think the fact that you are trying to ensure that DH is there for the event is a big compromise and shows you still want to honor their big day. I don't have any advice on how to deal with the family, but stick to your guns.

 

[Miss LD]

I think from my perspective it's all kind of childish.
When DH and I got married (7 years ago) his sister was in our wedding. Her only expense was the cost of the bridesmaid dress and hair (if she chose to do it). She whined and complained about it and the dress cost only $100 - since I found a sale.
The thing is, because she lives so far away DH and I end up going to all the family events, our kids are always on display, etc etc. I am always gracious about it. even in this circumstance I was very kind in my e-mail.
Ugggh.
I just hate how I'm being painted as the evil daughter in law when I'm trying so hard.

 

[Miss LD]

For starters, why are YOU the selfish one, and not you and DH?? Does he have no say?

And I agree 100%-- those destination weddings sound wonderful, but impose an incredible financial hardship on some of those invited. If you choose to have a wedding far from family and friends, you're going to have to accept the fact that not everyone has the financial means to attend. (Unless, of course, you're willing to pick up the expenses they'll incur.)

You and your husband have 2 kids, so your priorities are very different from your sister-in-law's.

She has every right to the wedding of her dreams. And you have every right to decline attending if it imposes a financial hardship on your family.

I think it bugged them a bit that the e-mail came from DH and I (and he was copied on it and followed up) so she's chosen to decide I'm driving the decision.
We've struggled a bit in our marriage - because we got married young and had a baby a little earlier than planned - that we discuss and then take each other's side.
His mom has been calling when she knows I'm asleep or out just to talk to DH, and he keeps telling them he'll talk about it with me and get back to them. The same answer I would give my family on big things.

 

[dawnbu40]

The first thing that I thought of while reading your post was that YOU emailed the inlaws and said why your family would not be attending. Your husband should have done that since it is HIS family. This put you in the position of being the "bad guy" so to speak. I think that ultimately its his family and he needs to take care of the situation.

 

[churchpilot]

It's time for your hubby to stand up to his family and inform them that this decision wasn't made in a vacuum---it was a family decision. My husband has a brother with 8 children and when family events come along, they are always included, and if they can't get to where the rest of us are, then we all pitch in to get them and their posse there. Perhaps the bride to be and the in-laws can pitch in the $2k or so that it would take to move your young family across Canada for her dream wedding!!! Hang in there and stick to your guns.

 

[happymommy]

I think it bugged them a bit that the e-mail came from DH and I (and he was copied on it and followed up) so she's chosen to decide I'm driving the decision.
We've struggled a bit in our marriage - because we got married young and had a baby a little earlier than planned - that we discuss and then take each other's side.
His mom has been calling when she knows I'm asleep or out just to talk to DH, and he keeps telling them he'll talk about it with me and get back to them. The same answer I would give my family on big things.

He does need to tell his mom and sister straight out that you two have already made your decision. Sounds like he's trying to nicely let them down, but keeping their hopes up that you'll all come.

I totally think you are trying to do what you can - send him alone. He will spend more time visiting with his family, not helping take care of his children. When you have young kids at a social event with you, you really don't get much time to actually visit.

Good luck!

 

[badblackpug]

You SIL has every right to have any type of wedding she wants, and if that is her "dream" then she should go for it.

That being said, she needs to understand that everyone has different finances and to be truthful "you can't get blood from a stone!" If you just don't have the money to go, then you just don't. Period. There is nothing you can do about it. Your husband will be there.

...and I can't imagine schlepping small kids across the counrty for the weekend!

 

[tlbwriter]

His mom has been calling when she knows I'm asleep or out just to talk to DH, and he keeps telling them he'll talk about it with me and get back to them.

This is bad. It gives the impression that you are the one who won't "let" him go, and he has to try to talk you into it. He should tell them that the decision has been made, that it was a mutual decision, and that there will be no further discussion.

 

[java]

My brother had a "destination" wedding. Thankfully in the coastal us so it was within 20 hours of us. I had just had a baby(he was 2 months old) I was not comfortable flying with him that young- plus there were 2 other kids already too! So we drove.
It's something that I am so appreciative of my husband for doing all that. He bent over backwards to make it work. Was it easy? no. But we did it. And 6 years later I still thank him for doing that drive. But you are probably out of driving distance(I think it's about 3000 miles? right?)
Is there any way that you both could go and your family could watch your kids?

I think a little attempt at an effort - even if it ends up you still can't go- will go a long way. It's his sister. Normally I say destination weddings mean you don't have to go. But it's his sister. Is it silly- yes and I understand not wanting to waste the money. I hope you find a way that works for YOU! If not going is the best solutions then that's it. Don't let them pressure you into spending money you don't want to spend. I agree though that DH should be the one expressing how the financial aspect of it is too tough for all of you to attend. not you.

My cousin got married on a cruise! A 10 day cruise to the carribbean. In October. Right after school started for all my kids. I couldn't take them out for a week if I wanted to. And for us to go would have been $8000!!! HELLO I don't want to go on your honeymoon with you for my vacation! I was going to fly out to the wedding if it was on an island but no- they had it on the ship- so the only way to attend was to take the cruise!
We didn't go.
And they were divorced within the year.

 

[Miss LD]

I think a little attempt at an effort - even if it ends up you still can't go- will go a long way. It's his sister. Normally I say destination weddings mean you don't have to go. But it's his sister. Is it silly- yes and I understand not wanting to waste the money.

I totally agree. It's not that we won't make an effort, we will. I'd love to be able to fly there for a weekend or something to be part of it. At the same time, with no details in place we can't even start looking for deals.

Here's the e-mail that the anger is based on.

"We are thrilled that SIL is engaged, and of course want to be a part of her day. But, from our perspective there are a few concerns we have. Our big concern in finances. For us daycare costs are substantial since we will be paying for the care of 2 children. The costs for all of us to fly to Vancouver, stay at a hotel and buy a wedding gift are really prohibitive. In addition, because I have been away from work on mat leave, I am not sure what vacation days I will get, etc.

Quite honestly, we have no idea how we will swing this. Though we'll try our best to have at least DH attend, at this point I'm not sure if it will be a reality for myself and the kids.

I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers, but at the same time we kind of wanted you to know at the outset what we're dealing with. Is there any family in the area for people to stay with? What sort of a timeline would be in place for everyone? DH and I have spoken a lot about how we would manage traveling to another province with both kids, especially since DD will be older and most likely mobile, and we were really hoping there are more details in place.

Please don't take the concerns as a lack of enthusiasm. It's just more of us thinking "how on earth would we make this work"?"

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I think your mistake was your writing the email. First of all I HATE emails like that - just pick up the phone and talk, it makes things a lot easier. Second of all (and most important), your DH should have been the one to do it, not you. Don't give your MIL any reasons to not like you - just stay out of it. JMO

 

[christa112]

I would personally talk to your SIL, not your inlaws because, it is not their wedding. Explain to her your concerns with the money and how you will have two children in daycare when you go back to work and that you may not have the money for all of you to go to the wedding and that it may just be your husband attending. If she can't understand that, then it is on her, not you. You have explained yourself and your financial situation and why you can the kids cannot attend and if that is not good enough, then there is really nothing else you can do.

 

[momtoBrandon&Jacob]

I think your mistake was your writing the email. First of all I HATE emails like that - just pick up the phone and talk, it makes things a lot easier. Second of all (and most important), your DH should have been the one to do it, not you. Don't give your MIL any reasons to not like you - just stay out of it. JMO

I so agree with this! Email between family members is just not right in this situation. This is something that should be dealt with either in person or on the phone.

 

[rt2dz]

OK, you asked for opinions and I’ll give you mine. And I’m not reading replies before I post.

It’s a wedding, not a birthday party. This is a special event and she wants all her family there. What is wrong with that? Quite frankly, my stance on this is suck it up and go. This is (supposed to be) a once-in-a-lifetime event and you have no objection to the marriage itself. It is your DH’s sister, not a cousin or a college roommate. It is your children’s aunt; a bond divorce or death would never break. I don’t care about the distance (of the wedding or her current residence), it is the relationship. You find a way to afford it.

Of course, I’m assuming you have time to save up and give up other things (lunch out, coffee, movie rentals, etc). If it is truly a money issue, talk (IN PERSON, email was tacky under these circumstances) and maybe the in-laws (DH's sister or parents) might help out in some way. A loan? I also suggest that your DH (it's HIS family) do it and you stay out of it.

JMHO