OT What Can I do to Help Friend?(adoption related)

[Kat77]

I agree...but keep in mind that there are plenty of "normal" kids that have things happen to them at early ages that may impact them socially later in life.

I guess I just don't like the idea that some people automatically assume that because the kid is adopted, that must be the cause of his issues. I'm not saying that all the people here have assumed that, but my experiences have shown me that there are a lot of people in the general population that do place a stigma on adopted kids.

Your right!
It was physical and emotional neglect in my DD's first few years of life that caused attachment disorder, not adoption. Being "adopted" is a non-issue.

 

[deerhart]

I'm not familiar with adoption, so please forgive my ignorance...but I'm not sure why it would be reasonable to think that aggression now, 2 1/2 years AFTER the adoption, is actually related to the adoption.

Many of us parents have had kids that were angels at 18 months (the age this child was adopted) who will show behavior issues years later. This often means problems elsewhere in the child's home or school environment.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume its related to the adoption itself.

RAD (reactive attachment disorder) is a condition that generally does not show itself for YEARS after the fact and is common with adoptions (especially if the child was not adopted at birth) and extremely common with foreign adoptions. This disorder develops generally due to neglect during infancy. Many other conditions also do not rear their heads in infancy either (autism, ADHD, most mental health disorders etc)

I also take REAL offense at you saying that if a child is an angel as a baby and later shows problems that its a problem with the child's home or school environment. Most kids with developmental disorders, neurological disorders. mental health issues etc do NOT have these issues appear very early in life. They appear when things start to get HARD for the child. For my oldest it was 2.5 years old, for my youngest it was turning 3 (and he stopped sleeping) and then again in first grade. Our kids conditions were NOT caused by our parenting or anything else except the lucky (or unlucky) draw of the genetic pool (and a good dosage of ear infections as an infant for my oldest and his CAPD, but again we had no control over that)

 

[croby]

http://www.eeadopt.org/ has several email lists. One in particular for post-adoption issues. The people on this list have been through the same thing as your friend and much, much more. That and a therapist who had extensive experience with adopted children was the most helpful for me.

 

[MomToOne]

I agree...but keep in mind that there are plenty of "normal" kids that have things happen to them at early ages that may impact them socially later in life.

I guess I just don't like the idea that some people automatically assume that because the kid is adopted, that must be the cause of his issues. I'm not saying that all the people here have assumed that, but my experiences have shown me that there are a lot of people in the general population that do place a stigma on adopted kids.

The fact is that you can never know if a problem is adoption-related per se, or just the way the child was wired to start with, a problem with the adoptive home environment, pre-natal care, etc. The list goes on and on.

But it's also a fact that internationally adopted children experience many problems at significantly higher numbers than non-adopted children. To me, that just means adoptive parents need to be more vigilant in addressing problems as early as they can, instead of letting people convince them to let things go because "so and so down the street had the same problem, and they never got help but they're fine now". I only wish I had realized that earlier - I unfortunately fell for that line a few times, and have had to pay the price. Or rather, my daughter has had to pay the price.

I would also like to point out to everyone that being internationally adopted, while sharing many experiences and emotions with domestic adoptees adopted close to birth, also brings along with it a very different set of issues that are unique to international adoptees. These children are often a bit older at adoption, have lived in institutional enviroments, have had to switch languages at critical times in development, have completely unknown family history, and their mothers often had extremely poor pre-natal care (if any) and nutrition, and often have drank/smoked/etc during the pregnancy. And that's the short list. Again, for those reasons, problems need to be dealt with more quickly. If you don't, the problem is likely to grow and become much more difficult to deal with, not just disappear. It's not a "stigma", just a reality of the situation.

If this parent is to the point of crying to a friend with frustration over the issue, then there is a problem that they need help with. Because the child is adopted, the adoption agency and social worker should be contacted to see if they can provide any help, along with the pediatrician, school system, etc. Adoption agencies and social workers are charged with helping with many post-placement problems, regardless of whether they are adoption related or not so the parent should use that resource.

 

[shanasbananas]

My son was about 5 when he started acting aggressively. His pediatrician put him on ADD meds and he's much better now. Apparently ADD doesn't just affect attention, it's also a cause for impulsive behaviors (like hitting for no reason). I used to be against medication, but now I've seen how our lives don't have to be so difficult, I was that mom crying all the way down the hall at daycare!!

 

[quentina]

Just got back from school after dropping off my DD's and I was walking with a neighborhood friend. She has a son who she adopted at age 1 1/2 from a foreign country. He's now 4. Literally every day the teacher is pulling her aside and telling her of her sons agressive behavior. This AM a parent pulled her aside and told her her son has been hitting her son. My friend broke down crying as we were walking away. She has been trying every trick she knows and trying to help him the best she can. The advice I gave her was to maybe contact the agency and see what resources they have available for struggling parents. She also said she might switch her sons' class because everyone thinks he's the "bad boy." Besides suggesting therapy I don't know what to do to help my friend. Anyone have advice? Thanks!

Karate! I also have an adopted child with agressive behavior. It has done wonders for him. In addition, I tell the Sensai to hold him accountable for his behavior. It is cheap, around $100.00 per month and really helps with disipline.

I had the same issue at our preschool. My kid was ruling the roast, getting the bad rap etc. I went to the teacher and said....listen, there can only be one leader in the class and I want to know why it is my 5 year old and not you? She could not answer and I did move him to the "tough" teacher. Never had an issue after that.

Also, it is wise to meet with a psychologist. No one knows what the first 1.5 years of his life did to him emotionally. My son was almost 3 when we got him. Believe me, the first few years mean alot.

Let your friend cry on your shoulder.......that goes a long way.

 

[crisi]

I'm going to add my voice to those that say "don't assume its an adoption issue."

I have two children - one adopted, one bio.

One child is emotionally fragile. Needs to be prepared for change. Is clingy. Has aggression issues. Throws tantrums. Has grown out of a lot of issues - but at one time we were seriously considering therapy.

One child is independant and secure. Handles change easily. Emotionally centered.

If my daughter had been adopted, I'd think her issues were adoption related. My emotionally centered son is adopted.

Bio kids have aggression issues and attachment disorder as well. So while these issues MIGHT be related to adoption, they MIGHT also just be part of his personality.

But as was said upthread, adoption agencies often have access to resources that specialize - and a call to their social worker or agency might be a good first step. Adoptive parents are also more likely to get help, because if their agency was good - it trained them to ask for help and provides resources. How many OBs spend time talking to you about resources in child psychology or offer seminars on toddlers who throw tantrums or tweens that don't fit in?

 

[Sammybeau's Mom]

I have 2 sons, one adopted 14 and one biological 13. Our biological child (born premature) has ADD. We started him on medicine when he was in 1st grade. It was a very very hard decision that no one in the family liked. But that decision has allowed him to focus enough to learn. He makes As and Bs but school is hard for him. I have a friend who homeschooled her sons (now in college) that tutors him everyday after school. It was like God sent her to help him and us.

When younger he was impulsive, he bit and hit other children. He has grown up and he is a happy kid. We still deal with it....he has trouble reading social cues....math is easy but reading very difficult. We got some help in testing to evaluate him.

Our adopted son does well in everything. We love them both. So the bottom line is to get him tested. Our son was about that age when we had our boy tested and that gave us a direction to go.

Hugs to your friend.

 

[KandD]

I used to have custody of my Godson. I had him for about two years, first and second grade. He was the "bad boy" in the class. His teachers knew the situation and were really great about it but he needed a lot of attention.

I brought him to his pediatrician who didn't find any diagnosis but did see that he needed someone to talk to. I brought him to a local child counseling center and they really did wonders with him. He also had an ongoing relationship with the school pyschologist but unfortunately she left and there was really no one to take her place. He did do karate for a little while but sports really helped as well. He came alive when he played soccer and baseball and he really felt like part of the team. Unfortunately because he was the "bad boy" at school he felt left out a lot. He did change classrooms half way during first grade which did help a bit but unfortunately the stigma doesn't go away.

I would suggest to your friend to get him into counseling ASAP even if he is young. I am sure there are local family or children centers near you that not only will do one on one with the child but provide support for mom too.