OT What Can I do to Help Friend?(adoption related)

[ceecee]

Just because he's adopted does not mean he has attachment disorder or some mental issues...he's 4! Sometimes adoptive parents tend to "spoil" the child because they are so thankful to finally have a baby...I know first hand as I am an adoptive parent and know many of us that tend to go a little overboard with our kids...may be the only child syndrome too. We were there from the time our DD was born, but I was so worried that she wouldn't be "bonded" to me that I held her constantly! She was so bonded I couldn't leave her alone for a minute. I could never let her cry about anything.
As for domestic vrs foreign adoption...so many people go foreign because it's next to impossible to do a US adoption of an infant! We were very fortunate and did a private thru a very reputable attorney. We tried agencies and most in our area were older kids and most had some kind of disability.
Maybe he has ADHD or maybe he is a normal spoiled 4 year old. My neighbor's son was so out of control while his little brother was totally calm, his mom didn't know what to do!!! My DD loved to play with him but you really had to watch him because he was so mean! He is now an A student at 14 and very calm.

 

[wahooker]

While the problem may not be adoption related, it also may very well be. Internationally adopted children, especially those that were in orphanages prior to their adoption and not foster care, can experience a wide range of issues as they grow older due to the lack of human interaction in their early months, which affects many aspects of brain/emotional development. These problems can be pyschological issues (including but not limited to attachment issues), learning disabilities, etc.

I suggest the mother go at this from multiple angles. Contact her social worker and/or adoption agency for any resources they may know of (unfortunately many international agencies - even some of the best - are not very well up to speed on what resources are available in different communities, but you should at least try them). Also contact the child's pediatrician - he should be able to do an initial evaluation, and refer the family to other specialized care as needed. Finally, contact the school system for an psychoeductaional evaluation - just call the assigned elementary school and ask to speak to the resource teacher. They should be able to tell you what can be done at this age.

(FYI - I adopted my daughter from a foreign country when she was 16 months old. She was in an orphanage from the day after she was born until the adoption. We have experienced many issues that I believe are directly related to this as she has grown older. Thankfully, we've been able to overcome most, but it has been a hard road at times.)

Just reading your post, I could tell you had some serious experience with International adoption, even before I got to the last paragraph.

And pretty much everything you said was what I was going to say. It may not be Adoption related... But It very possibly could be. Depending on the circumstances, it can be very, very tough for kids. Even if they don't remember stuff from that age, it's still a big influence on them, years later.

BTW, My daughter was adopted from China at 10 months, She's 4 now. Thank god, we've been very fortunate in terms of attachment issues, but other parents are not so lucky, and it's not their fault, it's not the kid's fault, but it's something they will have to work through.

 

[clh2]

I'm not familiar with adoption, so please forgive my ignorance...but I'm not sure why it would be reasonable to think that aggression now, 2 1/2 years AFTER the adoption, is actually related to the adoption.

Many of us parents have had kids that were angels at 18 months (the age this child was adopted) who will show behavior issues years later. This often means problems elsewhere in the child's home or school environment.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume its related to the adoption itself.

My sister adopted a 3-year old boy, an international adoption. The issues are still continuing 12 years later. I won't go into specific details, but suffice it to say - he had been tested ad nauseum for any autism, adhd, add, and many other "nuero" evals. He has seen therapist upon therapist. Nothing is wroking. It is very sad, actually.

To the OP - good luck to your friend. This is just a difficult situation.

 

[Debbie7452]

My DN is an international adoption from age 2. She has had many, many problems and differnt Dr's give different diagnoses. Everything from ADHD, bi-polar, to the latest attachment disorder (she manifests the worst symptoms at home with her Mom, not at school though). She is 11 now and even though the adoption is so long in the past, her problems are getting worse with time...not better. Hopefully, they are on the right path now.

I would support the Mom and encourage her not to ignore the problem whatever the cause. Obviously, steps need to be taken to improve the situation for everyone. It is so sad to see a child struggling and acting out!

 

[PinballFamily]

First, OP - hugs to you and your friend.

Two things jumped out at me from reading the post and thread:

1. Biologically, boys have a testosterone surge around age 5 (give or take) - this *could* be a factor in this behavior.

2. Your friend should pursue getting this checked out through a "developmental pediatrician" - not merely a regular pedi. These specialists are better equipped to recognize and diagnose the presence (or absence) of various disabilities or conditions. If she were to ask, in writing, for a "core evaluation" - her local school district must fund/do a series of tests and evaluations, too. (She's missed the federal Early Intervention program which tests and serves children, but only up to their third birthday.) The school report(s) *may* be helpful in figuring out what's going on, but frankly, might not be the most objective or timely. That's where the developmental folks come in.

Best wishes to your friend - I, too have a "different" child - and it is a challenging adventure every day. But, we've been very fortunate to surround ourselves with a top-notch medical and educational team for advice and assistance. It is extraordinarily helpful!

 

[starann]

She might also contact her pediatrician and ask for a referral to a child therapist who has experience with post internation adoption issues. Or since you know your area, you can try searching for someone in your area who specializes in this.

This. My son was not adopted, but we were having behavior issues with him (not too aggressive, mainly emotional breakdowns and outbursts). I was getting email and phone calls every week from his teachers.

I took him to the ped to have him checked for anemia and jsut a once over by the dr and asked for a referral for a child therapist. He has now been every other week for about 2 months and what a difference we have seen!!!! No more phone calls or emails. He loves going to see Miss Lindsey and it really seems to have helped. He is only 6.

Good luck to your friend!

 

[EMom]

Just got back from school after dropping off my DD's and I was walking with a neighborhood friend. She has a son who she adopted at age 1 1/2 from a foreign country. He's now 4. Literally every day the teacher is pulling her aside and telling her of her sons agressive behavior. This AM a parent pulled her aside and told her her son has been hitting her son. My friend broke down crying as we were walking away. She has been trying every trick she knows and trying to help him the best she can. The advice I gave her was to maybe contact the agency and see what resources they have available for struggling parents. She also said she might switch her sons' class because everyone thinks he's the "bad boy." Besides suggesting therapy I don't know what to do to help my friend. Anyone have advice? Thanks!

Is there an international adoption medical clinic anywhere near you? Often they are found in large cities. They may be better suited to determine whether these issues are adoption related or are something else.

I have to wonder what this child's behavior was like between the time he was adopted at age 1 1/2 and the time he started school at age 4-ish. If he was more or less a typical kid and the issues started at school, then maybe it's not adoption related at all. But if he's always had problems with aggression, that may be another matter.

We were blessed to adopt our DD at less than one year old from a baby home that is often referred to as one of the best in Russia. Her care was wonderful and she was bonded to her caregivers. She had no trouble bonding to us. I'll let you in on something few people will admit to....We declined other referrals before we adopted DD. They were too high risk for us. I may get bashed for it, but trust me, many have done it but just keep quiet. We wanted to use our brains to adopt because we knew our hearts would love her. But we had to be realistic about what we could take on. You cannot eliminate all the risk from IA, but you can minimize it.

Sadly, some people go into IA (and domestic adoption as well) somewhat naively and if luck goes against them, it can be a hard road ahead. The vast, vast majority of the people I know who adopted internationally have children who are doing wonderfully. A few have issues, but over half of those parents knew that before they completed the adoption and walked in with eyes open.

Really, with this child, he can't be treated until they figure out WHAT is wrong. If they treat him as RAD and that is not the problem, then it's a waste of time. If they treat him for something else and RAD is the issue, ditto. The key is to find an expert who knows how to diagnose it. I'd try to avoid someone who makes their bread and butter off "finding" RAD and look for a more neutral assessment.

As for moving him to another class, maybe it will help and maybe it won't. I once knew a woman who enrolled her son in preschool and told them he'd been adopted in Eastern Europe as an infant. The teacher immediately labelled him as "one of those kids" and the class troublemaker even though everyone else thought him a joy. The mom got daily complaints and the kid's spirits were dashed. The teacher thought all IA kids were defective, to be blunt. The mom took him out and put him in a new school. She didn't tell them he'd been adopted. Heck, he'd been an infant, he had no accent, there was no way to know. Oddly, at THAT school, they adored him and couldn't say enough great things about him. She kept him there until K. In that case, the teacher's perception and prejudice made all the difference in the world. I hate to admit it happens, since I used to teach, but it does. Once you're ID'd as the class bad boy, it can be hard to break out of that box........

 

[MinnieForMe]

Hi:
Yes, he should be assessed by his teachers and doctor. His behavior may be something relatively simple like immaturity and being expected to sit when all he wants to do is play. Alot of boys have a really hard time with learning to read and being expected to sit quietly at this age. Being physical may be letting out his frustration. Who knows if he's not assessed?

I can rememeber two boys in my son's pre-K class who were aggressive. I'm thrilled the parents realized that they were just not mature and gave them the time they needed to grow up. Today, they are all in 6th grade together and neither of them have issues.

 

[DawnM]

I have an adopted son. We adopted him at age 2.5. But he is not the issue, my bio son is!

We started noticing things around age 2 with my oldest/bio son. He was aggressive, reacted to things in an aggressive way, etc.....

It took us a LOT of years of misdiagnosis to finally figure out he has Asperger's Syndrome. He often takes things the wrong way in social situations and gets upset at things most of would know aren't meant to be rude or mean.

I strongly suggest they get him tested and find out what is going on. It MAY be related to trauma early in life, but it may be a neurological disorder too that has nothing to do with adoption.

Dawn

 

[livndisney]

I just wanted to add that I praise the adoptive parents, they take on a job that many would not. It is just sad though that they have to go to other countries to do so, when there are so many children in this country that need families. I guess the need to have a "baby" is one of the issues behind that, I know there are not many babies put up for adoption in the US.

Adoption from another country may have nothing to do with wanting a "baby". It is more likely that people choose to adopt overseas due to the issues with adoption in this country.


To the OP, thank you for wanting to be there for your friend! I would encourage you to have her look into local support group. (Yahoo has lots of them!) I would also encourage her to have the child tested by a Dr who knows internationally adopted children.

 

[minnie1928]

This is a child that is having issues...period. I have a tough time swallowing the "adopted" title that some place on adopted children. A child is a child, regardless of whether you gave birth to them or not. Adoption is not a stigma.

Perhaps I am over sensitive to this, since I am adopted. But, I can't tell you how many times I've heard comments such as "you seem so normal for an adopted child". At some point society should stop treating adopted children as "different".

Sorry...had to vent.

 

[mrsklamc]

This is a child that is having issues...period. I have a tough time swallowing the "adopted" title that some place on adopted children. A child is a child, regardless of whether you gave birth to them or not. Adoption is not a stigma.

Perhaps I am over sensitive to this, since I am adopted. But, I can't tell you how many times I've heard comments such as "you seem so normal for an adopted child". At some point society should stop treating adopted children as "different".

Sorry...had to vent.

Most of the time, adopted children are NOT any different. I'm sorry you've experienced being treated differently because you are adopted.

But, if a child has behavioral issues, it is an unfortunate reality that it might be because of things that happened before he came to be with his 'real' parents. (because adoptive parents ARE real parents.)

Like a PP I kinda doubt that's the case if the issues only happen in school though.

 

[minnie1928]

But, if a child has behavioral issues, it is an unfortunate reality that it might be because of things that happened before he came to be with his 'real' parents. (because adoptive parents ARE real parents.)

I agree...but keep in mind that there are plenty of "normal" kids that have things happen to them at early ages that may impact them socially later in life.

I guess I just don't like the idea that some people automatically assume that because the kid is adopted, that must be the cause of his issues. I'm not saying that all the people here have assumed that, but my experiences have shown me that there are a lot of people in the general population that do place a stigma on adopted kids.

 

[mrsklamc]

I agree...but keep in mind that there are plenty of "normal" kids that have things happen to them at early ages that may impact them socially later in life.

Oh absolutely. I think it's just easy for people to assume that it's adoption related because they don't know what happened before they came to their new home, and people's imaginations can run wild.

 

[livndisney]

This is a child that is having issues...period. I have a tough time swallowing the "adopted" title that some place on adopted children. A child is a child, regardless of whether you gave birth to them or not. Adoption is not a stigma.

Perhaps I am over sensitive to this, since I am adopted. But, I can't tell you how many times I've heard comments such as "you seem so normal for an adopted child". At some point society should stop treating adopted children as "different".

Sorry...had to vent.

I agree that a "child is a child" and I am sorry you have heard comments about being adopted. Adoption is not a stigma, but sometimes has long reaching "effects" that need to be addressed. In my experience (as an adoptive parent) it is a good idea to have the child seen by a Dr who is aware of international adoption. As an example my child was seen by a ped with no experience in international adoption and found nothing unusual. I am so glad I took the advice of those who had adopted from the same area as my child. I took the child to an international specialist who found the issue and treated my child.

This is not considered treating a child "different" but rather using the information available to get your child the best care.

 

[ceecee]

This is a child that is having issues...period. I have a tough time swallowing the "adopted" title that some place on adopted children. A child is a child, regardless of whether you gave birth to them or not. Adoption is not a stigma.

Perhaps I am over sensitive to this, since I am adopted. But, I can't tell you how many times I've heard comments such as "you seem so normal for an adopted child". At some point society should stop treating adopted children as "different".

Sorry...had to vent.

 

[VAN]

As I stated before, I think it is a bit presumptuous for those of us here on the Disboards to make diagnoses about this child.

I have three nephews that were all internationally adopted ... all three were "raised" by the same foster mother for the first few months of their lives, but have different biological parents. Each of the three are quite different ... we love them all and don't view them as aliens from outerspace. They are now family and aren't any "kookier" than anyone else in the family.

 

[katied]

Very reluctantly commenting here...

one way in which adoption can be relevant is if there are behavioral issues as a result of certain activities of the birth mom pre birth - such as drug, alcohol abuse. My admin's son is adopted from Russia, and this is an issue they have faced since brining him home. They did have him evaluated, and had the issue diagnosed, and they've had him for more than 8 yrs now, but there are going to be lifelong behavioral issues he is treated for as a result of the exposure he had to certain things pre-birth. There are services that help do this testing, and evaluate if there is an underlying medical issue, which is important to understand so you can develop the right method of helping a child develop the coping skills they may need.

I know this may not be the case for OP, but it a reaon that "adoption" can also cause behavioral issues.

 

[CLEO Z]

I almost started to cry after reading your post. With the exception of adoption, your friends story sounded very familiar. Please give your friend a hug, tell its not her fault and that she is a GOOD mom. Share my story.

My son became very agressive around 2 1/2. He started biting. It was so horrible. The women at the boutique daycare and the other mom's looked at me like I took him home and taught him to bite. I felt such maternal guilt! We tried everything the psycho babble books suggested and nothing worked. He was kicked out at age 3. I don't blame them. If my kid was being bitten/kicked, I wouldn't want it.

We took him to another daycare run by a church and staffed with moms instead of young "educated" women. I warned about he bitting. The director just said, "He's a boy. We'll deal with it." He stopped biting, but moved on to hitting and kicking teachers. They dealt with it. At age 4 it stopped.

At 6, he is still defiant and tempermental. But hitting is very rare (except with big sis). We took him to a child psychologist that was highly recommended by our pediatrician. She wasn't on our insurance list, but it was so worth the price. We went alone, then with him and then alone again twice. She said he was NOT ADHD or anything else with initials. She said that he is an agressive boy and will need vigilant parenting to curb this. We use a "token economy" system. (look it up) Because we spend a lot of time correcting him, she stressed the importance of giving him 20 mins of alone time daily with a parent. During this time, he decides what we are going to do and we have to follow along, stay positive and not ask questions (that is so HARD!). Example: If he wants to play a board game backwards or not by the rules, we do it. It gives him a sense of control in an appropriate setting and it is a time when he sees our love. It also helped us LIKE him. I had felt so bad about not liking my own son. I'm tearing up again!

My recomendation: Suggest to your friend that she get a referral to a child psychologist from her pediatrician.

 

[shortbun]

I'm not familiar with adoption, so please forgive my ignorance...but I'm not sure why it would be reasonable to think that aggression now, 2 1/2 years AFTER the adoption, is actually related to the adoption.

Many of us parents have had kids that were angels at 18 months (the age this child was adopted) who will show behavior issues years later. This often means problems elsewhere in the child's home or school environment.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume its related to the adoption itself.

Yeah, like you said, you're not familiar with adoption or it's issues. This is common, very common and a trained counselor will have lots of help and advice for this mom. She should immediately seek assistance. There are many adoptive parent groups and she could get referrals from them or just support.