OT: The Birds and the Bee's...

[NadiasMommy]

I didn't think I would come to this delema until at least first or second grade..but my 3.5 year old has been asking me constantly the past few days after discovering her "When I was born" Scrapbook with ultrasound pictures and pictures of her in my tummy. At the hospital..ect..
"Mommy, how did I get into your tummy?" Then after I tried to move the subject onto something else turned into a frightend.."Mommy, why did you eat me?" !!!! I don't want to go above her I just don't know how to explain this to a 3.5 year old! I am not going to do the whole stork thing that my parents tried to convince us of until we were 14...lol So far we have said that God put her there..but then she posed the question of HOW god put her there..and then I decided I would just put my head in the freezer and look for the ice cream. lol Any advice? And is this common? First time parent here.

Thanks SO Much for the help!

 

[firemouse]

Well with our kids we have always asked a question back. Like if dd would say where do babies come from, we would put it back on her and ask her where do you think they come from, let her answer it and move on. We have never lied to either dd or ds, but a little misdirection is a good thing sometimes! The other side of it is, tell it all, but we are not that type of family I guess when it comes to birds and bees!!! Hope that helps.

Eric

 

[graygables]

There was a little boy once who walked in the kitchen and asked his mom where he came from. His mom heaved a sigh, knowing this day would come and sat him down for "the talk". After she finished, she aksed if he had any questions and he said, "Yes, where did I come from? Jimmy said he came from Boston!"

The trick is to only give them the information they are asking for and nothing more. This establishes communication over the long term and makes it comfortable for you to keep having "little talks" as she gets older. My DDs didn't start asking until they were older (thank heavens! ). I did iterate from the start that they weren't "in my belly/stomach" that there is a special place for babies and so on. Just answer the questions she's asking in an age-appropriate way without giving graphic information. That will come soon enough, believe me!

 

[HaleyB]

Lol, we have three kids so we have so been there. The post above is good advice. Answer the question in terms that are age appropriate. Kids can sense when you are trying to dodge them and the little buggers don't let up.

In the best of all worlds you never end up having to have 'the talk' because you have done it all in bits and pieces as they have grown up. Given the choice I would much rather explain the birds and the bees to a 5 or 6 year old than to a 10 year old.

If you are really uncomfortable with the topic there are some great books, check out the parenting section in a book store. There are even books aimed as young as 3.

 

[barkley]

we always asked the question back to our children, thier answers gave us an idea of where they were coming from so we could prepare our answers.

when i was pregnant with my son, my daughter (about 2 1/2 at the time) asked why i was getting "so big" and why it took so long for the baby to come. i asked her what she thought-she said "well, i guess your heart has to grow real big to hold the extra love".

 

[Brina]

I know a lot of people who have used the explanation that daddy's have special seeds that they plant in a certain part of mommy's tummy that is separate from where food goes.

 

[Matt'sMom]

I agree that the answers need to be age appropriate, and include no more information than what the child is looking for. At age 3-4, they honestly don't need (or want) all of the specific details. What I would not recommend, however, is attempting to skirt or avoid the subject. Be honest with your kids, so that they will continue to be comfortable with coming to you to talk about things.

We live in a rural area, have been raising dogs since well before DS, and also have had chickens/poultry since he was just a toddler. He's experienced matings, births, and deaths with the animals, first hand. So it's always been quite natural, and relatively easy, to talk about the sometimes sensitive subjects such as 'the birds and bees'. He knows how new life is conceived, and what the birth process entails... and that it's not something to be embarrassed about.

For a very young child, I'd just explain that the Daddy contributes something called a sperm, which fertilizes the egg inside of the Mommy, so that the sperm and egg together can grow into a new & unique person (or puppy, or kitten, or whatever they happen to be asking about). Mating is how that happens... and in the case of many animals, the baby grows in a special safe, warm place inside of the Mommy (called the uterus) until it is ready to be born. Use correct terms with your child from the very start, so that there is no misunderstanding--the baby is not inside of the Mommy's stomach/tummy.

Just think how scary it might be for a child who hasn't been told this, and mistakenly believes that the Mommy 'ate' her own baby, and that is why it is in her 'tummy'. Much more reassuring to learn that the baby is growing there because it is a safe, warm place where the Mommy can cuddle her baby and take good care of it until it's ready to come out into the world. Remember that if you don't talk with your children about this, they will probably seek answers from other sources, such as their peers--and the info they receive that way may not be especially accurate, nor what you'd want them to hear.

 

[Ardenne]

we always asked the question back to our children, thier answers gave us an idea of where they were coming from so we could prepare our answers.

when i was pregnant with my son, my daughter (about 2 1/2 at the time) asked why i was getting "so big" and why it took so long for the baby to come. i asked her what she thought-she said "well, i guess your heart has to grow real big to hold the extra love".

That is just so incredibly sweet! What a perfect explanation!

To the OP: I agree with the others -- try to stick with the basics, and then just answer additional questions as they come up. Turning questions back at them to see what they're thinking is a great way of getting insight into how they're processing the info and what might be your best approach! Our daughter was about 3 when she started asking. Our basic explanation was that when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they can decide to make a baby together. It starts out very, very tiny and needs extra-special care to grow bigger, so mommy has a special place inside her body called a 'uterus', which is warm and soft and safe so the baby can grow big and strong enough to be ready to come out. When the baby is ready, daddy and mommy will help him or her be born, and then everyone in the family can hold and snuggle the new baby. Everyone in our family was so happy when you were born so that they could come see you, and hold and snuggle and kiss you!

That last part led to her asking about what happened after she was born -- who visited, what she liked when she was a baby, and so forth. I think that she was mainly curious, not worried about anything in particular, so that was enough that she didn't ask any more for quite awhile.

 

[gbrchill]

When asked by our son how babies get into their mummie's tummy we replied that it took a special "mummy daddy cuddle". As a three year old that was good enough.

Six years later and we've had the other half of that conversation, when he prompted for more information about the mechanics of the mummy daddy cuddle. It wasn't too bad.

Chris.

 

[WDWLinda]

"mommy has a special place inside her body called a 'uterus', which is warm and soft and safe so the baby can grow big and strong enough to be ready to come out."

When I was pgnt, I read my 3 yr old son a book along those lines...3 weeks later I was sitting on a bench at our lumberyard with him playing down by my feet. Suddenly he pops his head up from between my legs and says, very LOUDLY, in front of about 10 guys waiting at the checkout, "Look, I'm in Mommy's UTERUS!". Never thought he'd remember that word, or use it at that time...you never saw 10 heads whip one way, and then the other so quickly...suddenly they were all fascinated by the paint display opposite me!

Good luck!

~Linda

 

[Servants of Evan]

For a very young child, I'd just explain that the Daddy contributes something called a sperm, which fertilizes the egg inside of the Mommy, so that the sperm and egg together can grow into a new & unique person (or puppy, or kitten, or whatever they happen to be asking about).

I can see it now, "But Mommy, I said I wanted a Puppy!"

Servants of Evan

 

[txgirl]

When Mommy & Daddy decide they would like to be parents they come together in a special way that God planned and a baby then grows in mommy's tummy. Later of course we have to address, "why is that girl having a baby without a daddy?" ONE LESSON AT A TIME!

We were pushed for more info from our little ones (who are now 8 & 10) but we resisted biology for a little while longer because preschoolers are notorious for repetition and some parents haven't covered this yet.

When we did have "the talk" with our 10 year old we made it VERY CLEAR. This subject is beautiful and God-ordained and natural but private and should be talked about with mom and dad and not with friends who don't know facts!

I used the "special way" part as a segway when talking to the ten year old by saying, "remember when we said 'special way'? Well this is what we meant......"

Not the most relaxing conversation we had but i did manage the correct terms which is a huge feat coming from a grown woman who calls a butt a "bo-bo" and a woman's part a "tee-tee". We just had our son two years ago so we didn't even have a word for that boy part and I was forced by other moms of boys to say the dreaded "p" word. Ugghhhh the embarassment!!!!! They still give me a hard time for insisting Barbies keep their panties on. Hey, modesty is not dead in this house!

 

[barkley]

i'm just glad to hear parents are talking to their kids about it at all!

i worked in social services for years, and i know i am jaded by it. but i cannot count the number of women whose daughters ended up pregnant, saying to me "but she has'nt even had her first period, i was waiting to talk to her about it then". a girl can get pregnant before her first cycle is "evident", after all that "evidence" is the sign that conception has not taken place.

my dd is 11 and we've answered the questions over the years (and yes, they get more and more complex and harder to answer), ds is 8 but has asked very little to this point. i plan to have even more in depth discussions with ds when he gets older; for i also saw many young boys who entered into sexual relationships (way too young as far as my opinion goes, but...) believing their partner's were using birth control. ever consider the ramifications of a 12 year old dad? beyond the mental and emotional anguish it causes for everyone- imagine having a lean for child support waiting for you when you graduate from highschool

it's a personal decision about what you tell your children-abstinance, birthcontrol...but tell them something!!!! don't let the first discussion be at the obstetricians office or in the family court!

 

[Ardenne]

I can see it now, "But Mommy, I said I wanted a Puppy!"

Servants of Evan

My parents had a similar problem with me when my brother was born -- I knew the baby had been growing inside mommy, and they went to the hospital for the baby to be born, but then they came home with a BROTHER for me. I had specifically asked for a sister and couldn't understand why they brought home the WRONG BABY, and I just kept insisting that they needed to take him back to the hospital and get my baby sister! According to mom, they finally gave up on trying to explain it and told me that Mommy and Daddy wanted to keep the baby we had and that I was outvoted, and THAT I was willing to accept!

That answer definitely isn't something I'd recommend, but that family story still makes me laugh this many years later

 

[newtowdw1]

The people who wrote the What to Expect when You're Expecting also wrote a very good little book called What to Expect when Mommy's Having a Baby. Written specifically for 2-5 year olds. We bought this for dd when ds was about to be born.

DH and I both teach HS Biology, so we're pretty comfortable talking about sex at the drop of a hat. DD has known for a long time that it takes a sperm from a Daddy and an egg from a Mommy to make a baby. When asked how... yep, gets pretty weird when it's personal But, I fall back on God too, and simply say that God gave men and women body parts that fit together like a puzzle and when it's time to make a baby the sperm and egg will unite and make a baby. Now DS is so self-absorbed, he's never asked!

Remember, only answer what she asks! Let her digest the new knowledge. Be prepared to reiterate what you've taught. Usually at the most inconvenient times (2:00am, when you're trying to make a puzzle, you know!)

 

[txgirl]

God gave men and women body parts that fit together like a puzzle

Yes we used the puzzle analogy too! It helps when they are older to explain the differences between men and women.

 

[Nancyg56]

Gosh, this thread brings back memories, and reminds me that my own grown children are still teasing me about our "talks." My DH nephew just had his first child, and my DGD (going on 4) was fascinated with the evergrowing tummy, as they all join us on Sunday evening for dinner. My DD explained that the new baby was in Amber's tummy. For weeks she has been having babies, and stuffed puppies, horses, piggies, kitties, etc keep popping out of her shirt. SHe then puts them in her little crib, and sells them to her PA for $20.00. She says they are good babies.

Glad I can just sit back and watch now.

 

[SammieG]

wow.. you guys give a LOT of information for a 3 year old!!

Answer the question asked, and no more for that age group. I would say "mummies have eggs inside them, and the baby grows from that"..
that will be all your 3 yr old will require I am sure!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

You are getting great advice. LISTEN. Be sure what they are asking and then answer just that question but answer in completly and in complete truth. My DS wanted lots of info and wanted it early. We gave him what he asked but aways added our own moral values by using the terms husband and wife and after they get married etc...

Imagine my shock when my kindergarten kid asked my how the sperm and egg knew if the couple were married or not!!!!!

Thing is however, at 13 he will still TALK so quess we did something right!!

Jordan's mom

 

[LoveWDW]

I thought my 3 year old understood that he'd have a new brother or sister. Three days after the baby came home, my son asked if we could return him to the hospital now.