OT-Tell me more about adoption

[KAPTink]

This board is full of such nice people. What can you tell me about adoption, domestic or otherwise??

I have 2 great kids, and would love more, but I'm not able to have additional children b/c of medical reasons. I'm considering broaching the topic of adoption with DH. In the past, it was never really an option, but I think now he'd be open to it, and I know I would be. We're also financially in a place where we could support another child.

It breaks my heart to know there are kids out there who need a home with a mom and a dad, and there are families who want children, and somehow it seems so difficult to match the 2 up. Am I missing something??

Anybody have some links or resources they can share? Thanks!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I am an adoptive Mom. My son was born in Korea. So much about adoption is dependent on your family. Do you want an infant? Toddler? Older Child?
Is the race of the child a factor? Are you open to medical needs?

There are many older children that are available (age 5+) in US Foster care right now that need loving homes. In most cases the costs for adopting those children are little to nothing. Age of parents, divorces, health of parents are usually not huge issues in these cases.

Domestic infant adoption is another option. My dear friend was present at her daughter's birth. Cost varies widely. My friend's adoption cost about 35K.

International Adoption is another great alternative. There are children all over the world waiting for families. While children are not newborns they often can be found adopted as young as around 8 or 9 months old. Each country has specific rules about prospective adoptive families. Costs can vary greatly depending on country, travel and age of the child. ( My son had minor medical needs and his adoption was much less than my friend's domestic adoption)

Do you have any specific questions?

 

[crisi]

Also Mom of one from Korea, and I agree with pixie*dust

Make a list of what you are looking for. At the same time, you'll need to make a list of your attributes - what you are willing to put into an adoption. i.e. it can be expensive (we have friends who had a $65,000 adoptive seven years ago), it can take years, some programs you can age out of, some children are very challenging and you know that out of the gate.

In general, the more challenges you are willing to accept in raising a child (older, disabled, from a formerly abusive situation, comes with siblings, etc.) the faster and less expensive adoption will be.

Be brutally honest with yourself. I have nothing but admiration for people who can take special needs kids into their homes - but that is NOT me. If something were to happen to one of my kids, we'd cope - but there is a difference between that and walking in knowing those challenges DO exist. It is not racist to say "I can't handle a child of a different race" - its being realistic, because if you adopt a child of a different race you are going to HAVE to handle it.

 

[Debbie7452]

If you do go the international adoption route, please research issues that might come up depending on the country you choose. I have a family member who was adopted from an Eastern European country and she has a lot of problems that might be related to Alcohol use by the birth Mother. Her adoptive Mom was not aware that this would happen and thought she was adopting a completely healthy child. It is very sad...

Please keep your eyes open and research ALL your options. I know there are millions of happy adoptions out there...this is only one very sad case.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

We adopted internationally from Guatemala. Guatemala is currently closed to new adoptions and no one knows when it will re-open - which is extremely, extremely, sad.

However I can tell you about my experience adopting internationally. We had our home-study, only took 1 meeting at our home, she wrote our homestudy up within a month. Very easy. It's important to remember that they are looking for good families, they are not looking to disqualify families. Everyone I know (including myself) panicked over the visit to the house, and whether or not it was clean - I intentionally left a dirty spoon in the sink so it wouldn't seem like we were "too clean". We had to have documents notarized, certified, and authenticated. Medical forms, homestudy, bank letter, employment letter, birth certificates, and marriage certificates. That is what is called a Dossier. This is sent from the agency to the country you are adopting from. Oh, we also needed child abuse clearances and background checks. It seems overwhelming but it's doable. You fill out an I-600A for the USCIS, and wait on a 797C (or 171H) approval. After that, we were able to receive our referral... with Guatemala we then had to do DNA testing, Family Court, Pre-Approval from the Embassy, and PGN (final court). Once all that was taken care of, the bmom signed her rights over (4 seperate times), and we waited for a 2nd DNA test, and an appt for the Embassy.

With all that said.... our adoption took 21 months from start to finish, with bringing home a 16 mo old that should have been a 6 mo old.

I STRONGLY, STRONGLY, STRONGLY urge you to research your butt off with agencies. We were with a downright HORRIFIC agency, and I will NEVER forget the pain and suffering they unjustifyably put us through. Get on adoption yahoo groups, message boards, whatever else and talk talk talk to people about agencies.

Join the Agency_Research_Group on yahoo. There is a lot of info on there. Go to adoption.com forums. Find domestic groups on yahoo. Go to adoptionagencyratings.com and adoptionagencyreviews.com

Lastly, best of luck to you and your husband if you go this route. I love my daughter more then anything in this world- she is complete sunshine in my heart.

 

[KAPTink]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My problem is that I had no idea where to begin, and I was completely overwhelmed at the idea of beginning. I'm sure there are many, many issues to consider. Thank you for a beginning!! Where would I start for US adoptions? My two children now love younger kids, and are very caring and patient with them. I think they would welcome a new addition of any sort. I'm open to a child who is anywhere from a few months old up to probably toddler age. I think older than that might not be a good fit for our family. Different country or racial background is also something I'm open to, but I couldn't do a special needs child. I know my limits. I have spent almost 10 months in and out of hospitals and therapy offices with my oldest. I love him dearly, but I don't know that I can set myself up knowingly to do that again. He may still have additional needs that aren't known yet. I just really would love the idea of adding to our family and just lately have started to feel like this is something I need to at least look into more before dismissing it because it's not what I *thought* my life would include. Sometimes we end up on a journey we never expected!

So, from pp, for specific questions, 1) if I wanted a US adoption, where would I begin to get info and find out what the requirements are?
2) I know costs vary widely. How would I find out a general ballpark for domestic and international?
3) Where is a good place to research about the process?
4) After adopting, was there anything you'd change or have done differently?

 

[livndisney]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My problem is that I had no idea where to begin, and I was completely overwhelmed at the idea of beginning. I'm sure there are many, many issues to consider. Thank you for a beginning!! Where would I start for US adoptions? My two children now love younger kids, and are very caring and patient with them. I think they would welcome a new addition of any sort. I'm open to a child who is anywhere from a few months old up to probably toddler age. I think older than that might not be a good fit for our family. Different country or racial background is also something I'm open to, but I couldn't do a special needs child. I know my limits. I have spent almost 10 months in and out of hospitals and therapy offices with my oldest. I love him dearly, but I don't know that I can set myself up knowingly to do that again. He may still have additional needs that aren't known yet. I just really would love the idea of adding to our family and just lately have started to feel like this is something I need to at least look into more before dismissing it because it's not what I *thought* my life would include. Sometimes we end up on a journey we never expected!

So, from pp, for specific questions, 1) if I wanted a US adoption, where would I begin to get info and find out what the requirements are?
2) I know costs vary widely. How would I find out a general ballpark for domestic and international?
3) Where is a good place to research about the process?
4) After adopting, was there anything you'd change or have done differently?

I guess my input won't help. I adopted a "special needs" child, whose disclosed "special need" isn't a problem. Adopting was the best thing I have ever done. It is important to remember what one person/country considers a "special need" may not be what you consider a special need. Most international agencies will ask you to complete a checklist of "needs" you feel you could handle. Some can be corrected with minor surgery, some require no correction.

As far as adoptioning an infant domestically, there are basically two routes. Private agency, or state care. State care generally has less fees, but the children will most likely have varying special needs, and varying ethnic backgrounds. A Private adoption is handled through an Attorney (usually) and quite often will have high fees. Some even include medical care/costs for the birth mother.

For a state care adoption, you may want to start with your local state/county. Often there are classes/info sessions required before foster/adoption.

I wish you luck in your journey.

 

[mom~of~2]

Hi. I just started the adoption process. In our case, we already knew that we wanted to adopt internationally (and from a specific country), so it was a little easier to focus our research. I think a great place for you to start is adoption.com (you can get information on both domestic and international adoption, there are discussion boards, etc...). From there, you can just keep googling and you should find tons of great information on the internet. Best wishes to you!

 

[dijid]

If you're thinking about domestic adoption, start by calling agencies in your local phone book. Look at agencies' websites to get information. Talk to anyone - friends, neighbors, relatives - that you know that adopted domestically.

You'll need to make a few decisions, too. Are you open to a child of a different race? Or one with medical needs? Or a child that was pre-natally exposed to drugs and/or alcohol. Do you want an open adoption (full disclosure of identifying information) semi-open (first names only, adoption agency or attorney facilitates any exchanges of pictures/letters) or closed (no exchanging of information). Are you willing to match with a birthmother before birth, or only accept situations where the child is already born and free for adoption? And if you match, are you willing to pay expenses for the birthmother during her pregnancy?

The answers to the questions above will help you narrow in more on a cost range. Unfortunately, adoption is a business and the basic economic laws of supply and demand affect adoption costs. The demand for healthy caucasian infants is greater than the supply and costs can be outrageous. The $10,000 adoption tax credit only raised fees because agencies felt they could justify it.

Good luck with your adoption pursuit. It worked well for my family and I hope it works for yours!

 

[Gabe's Mom]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My problem is that I had no idea where to begin, and I was completely overwhelmed at the idea of beginning. I'm sure there are many, many issues to consider. Thank you for a beginning!! Where would I start for US adoptions? My two children now love younger kids, and are very caring and patient with them. I think they would welcome a new addition of any sort. I'm open to a child who is anywhere from a few months old up to probably toddler age. I think older than that might not be a good fit for our family. Different country or racial background is also something I'm open to, but I couldn't do a special needs child. I know my limits. I have spent almost 10 months in and out of hospitals and therapy offices with my oldest. I love him dearly, but I don't know that I can set myself up knowingly to do that again. He may still have additional needs that aren't known yet. I just really would love the idea of adding to our family and just lately have started to feel like this is something I need to at least look into more before dismissing it because it's not what I *thought* my life would include. Sometimes we end up on a journey we never expected!

So, from pp, for specific questions, 1) if I wanted a US adoption, where would I begin to get info and find out what the requirements are?
2) I know costs vary widely. How would I find out a general ballpark for domestic and international?
3) Where is a good place to research about the process?
4) After adopting, was there anything you'd change or have done differently?

Our youngest DS is adopted. Ours was a domestic adoption, brought Ds home from the hospital @ 3 days old, he is now 1. We only waited 7 weeks from the time our homestudy was complete. Domestic can be very expensive but also fairly affordable. We were very very fortunate, ours was around $12,000. We were with an agency and an adoption attny and ended up finding our DS through our attny. Requirements are dependent on your state and your agency or attny, but generally include a homestudy and profile for domestic adoption.

adoption.com is a great website with all kinds of info. IF you like to DIS, you would like their forums, there are forums for people who have adopted and for people in the process. It's a great way to read about other people's experiences.
Anything we would have done differently? Hmmm, maybe done it sooner? We had an amazing experience and are absolutely crazy about our little guy. He is our 2nd, we have a bio DS as well. People (me included) wonder if you can love them as much. I promise, you can. After 8 yrs between the first two, DS2 is only 13 mos old and I am ready to adopt again!

We got lots of questions after our adoption so I wrote up a kind of paper about our adoption experience, more specific details. I would be happy to share it if you want to PM me with your email adress.

Adoption is an amazing way to build a family. Not every part of it is easy, but very worth it!
Michelle

PS, as I read your post again, I should add, our DS is biracial, birthmom is white and birthdad black. We are white, so our adoption is kind of obvious. We said we didn't care what race of child we got, but I do think (looking back) the fact that we were open to race was part of the reason we matched so quickly. It is sad but unfortunately true.

 

[crisi]

Much of this information will also depend on what state you are in. Closed domestic adoptions are really rare in Minnesota, and being open to race isn't the help that it is in a lot of other states.

Private domestic adoptions, if you happen to know a pregnant birthmother already - can be done fairly inexpensively. If you have to go on a birthparent search, it can get expensive, take a long time, and come to naught (or you can put your name in a book, get called a week later, and have a birthmother at the hospital making the decision right then).

I'd call a local agency in your local phone book. They should have an information session you can attend that will tell you a little about how adoption works in your state (and with that agency). We set up three with the three "big" agencies in town - and chose the one that was the best fit for us. After sitting through three sessions, you'll get a good idea about what is fairly universally true and what is agency to agency true.

 

[Golden Rose]

We're in a similar situation. DH and I have one biological child, age 3, and cannot have any more. (We looked at IVF, but eventually it turned out that I'm not a good candidate.) We had hoped to have three children. We're planning to adopt one child; we'll see about a second adoption if the first ones goes well.

Since we have a three year old, we want to bring a infant or younger child into our home so that DS can stay the oldest child in the household. Since we have a son, we would really like a daughter. We would be willing to adopt two younger children at once, but I don't know how often such opportunties arise.

When I first started looking into adoption, the first domestic agency I talked to said we were not good candidates because we have a biological son. So then we really looked at International, but so many countries are currently closed to adoption. We can't spend the amount of time needed in Kazakstan. We're seriously considering Russia, but tales of fetal alcohol syndrome and attachment issues worry me. We were really interested in China, but the wait is so long and uncertain right now that it isn't our first choice.

So we're back to looking at domestic adoption. We've looked into several different agencies and lawyer groups. We're pretty certain we know who we want to go with, but it will be a lot of money and we're still pulling it together.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My problem is that I had no idea where to begin, and I was completely overwhelmed at the idea of beginning. I'm sure there are many, many issues to consider. Thank you for a beginning!! Where would I start for US adoptions? My two children now love younger kids, and are very caring and patient with them. I think they would welcome a new addition of any sort. I'm open to a child who is anywhere from a few months old up to probably toddler age. I think older than that might not be a good fit for our family. Different country or racial background is also something I'm open to, but I couldn't do a special needs child. I know my limits. I have spent almost 10 months in and out of hospitals and therapy offices with my oldest. I love him dearly, but I don't know that I can set myself up knowingly to do that again. He may still have additional needs that aren't known yet. I just really would love the idea of adding to our family and just lately have started to feel like this is something I need to at least look into more before dismissing it because it's not what I *thought* my life would include. Sometimes we end up on a journey we never expected!

So, from pp, for specific questions, 1) if I wanted a US adoption, where would I begin to get info and find out what the requirements are?
2) I know costs vary widely. How would I find out a general ballpark for domestic and international?
3) Where is a good place to research about the process?
4) After adopting, was there anything you'd change or have done differently?

I don't believe that there are specific requirements for domestic(us). It will really be up to your social worker and adoption agency. The good part about domestic adoption is you can find an agency or facilitator (if your state allows that) with varying requirements.

For domestic, adoptions truly do vary. From my research I've seen facilitators around $10k, then you need to factor in bmom costs if any, and attorney fees. Agencies are around 15k-25k. You could always do independent and it should keep things minimal. As far as international goes, it will depend on the country of choice, how many trips will be needed, etc. I THINK I've read China is around 17k without travel, Guatemala was 23-25k when I did it, but ended up spending 35k, Krygzstan is over 30k, Korea 25k..

 

[rcymrcym]

I adopted my dd from the state child protective services. It was MUCH less expensive, and their are other benefits that really help.

Her adoption was $1500 and was paid for by the State. (I live in Texas.) There are more older children than younger, but for me it didnt matter. The bonus is, because she was over the age of 4 she will get 4 years of tuition at a state university paid for. She also has insurance though the state.

It took about 18 months for the process.

PM me if you have more questions!

Molly

 

[DawnM]

We have 2 bio sons and one adopted from China (youngest.)

He was 2.5 years old when we got him an he is now 4.5 years old. Honestly, he fits right in. We have never had some of the issues we have read about or worried about. He was in a great foster home in China and his foster mom (he called her grandma) loved him so much and spoiled him rotten! But that is a good thing.

I can't imagine our lives without him. He is an incredible little guy.

The FIRST thing to do is choose an agency. They will (hopefully) be clear on what all the steps will be.

One thing to know too is that the government gives tax credits (not deductions, but credits, meaning you get back dollar for dollar) so look into all of that too.

here is what we got back (aprox.)

Adoption total cost was $22,000

Federal tax credit: $11,000
NC tax credit: $5,000

DH's work has a program to reimburse $5,000, so we got an additional $5K from that.

So, we paid $22,000 and got $21,000 back. It will take about 3 years total for us to get it all, but we are getting it.

Dawn

 

[Denine]

We adopted our DD 6 years ago.
We did a local adoption. It took 4 years start to finish for a healthy white infant. We went through Catholic Charities. I interviewed a number of agencies and they were the one's for us. I think it wasa round 10K, but we got money back because of the adoption credit.
DD came home to us at 4 weeks of age. We could have had her at 2 weeks, but we were going on a 2 week Disney cruise.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My problem is that I had no idea where to begin, and I was completely overwhelmed at the idea of beginning. I'm sure there are many, many issues to consider. Thank you for a beginning!! Where would I start for US adoptions? My two children now love younger kids, and are very caring and patient with them. I think they would welcome a new addition of any sort. I'm open to a child who is anywhere from a few months old up to probably toddler age. I think older than that might not be a good fit for our family. Different country or racial background is also something I'm open to, but I couldn't do a special needs child. I know my limits. I have spent almost 10 months in and out of hospitals and therapy offices with my oldest. I love him dearly, but I don't know that I can set myself up knowingly to do that again. He may still have additional needs that aren't known yet. I just really would love the idea of adding to our family and just lately have started to feel like this is something I need to at least look into more before dismissing it because it's not what I *thought* my life would include. Sometimes we end up on a journey we never expected!

So, from pp, for specific questions, 1) if I wanted a US adoption, where would I begin to get info and find out what the requirements are?
2) I know costs vary widely. How would I find out a general ballpark for domestic and international?
3) Where is a good place to research about the process?
4) After adopting, was there anything you'd change or have done differently?

Generally speaking, infants and toddlers are not readily available in the foster care system unless they are special needs or part of a sibling group. The vast majority of children adopted out of foster care are school age. (not to say that infants and toddlers never are available)
Sounds like you are looking for a domestic infant adoption. There are private and public agencies that handle these adoption. You would need to decide what you can spend-- adoption costs, agency costs, "benefit" packages for birth mothers, etc and then decide what level of involvement with birth parents you are comfortable with---then speak to as many agencies as possible.

 

[crisi]

If you are open to it, some states do foster care to adoption placements - in states where that is available it is usually the ONLY way to get small non-special needs children out of "the system" - the only other option is to find a birthmother. It has advantages - it isn't very expensive. But it isn't a problem free alternative - the first choice of foster care is to try and reunite the bio family if that can be done - so bio parents are often put through treatment to get their issues fixed so they can parent again - and in many cases this is successful.

 

[holden]

We adopted DD5 from foster care (PA). She came to us five days after she turned 2 and the adoption was finalized 10 months later. Now we are in the process of adopting FDD1! She came to us when she was 10mos. and we are going to court in Dec. for termination of parental rights. If that goes our way (and we think it will because both mom & dad are in jail) the adoption will be finalized before summer. She has been in foster care since she was 3 weeks old.

Please don't rule out foster care as a route to adoption. It did take 3 years before we got another call for a younger child, but the wait was worth it. We didn't want to adopt out of birth order, so we just waited for a child younger than DD.

Also, we never paid anything for DD's adoption. It is covered by the state.

If you have any questions about foster care adoption, please feel free to ask me. There is also a board on the adoption.com website about foster/adopt that might have some useful information for you.

Best of luck with whatever route you choose!

 

[genius118899]

We're in a similar situation. DH and I have one biological child, age 3, and cannot have any more. (We looked at IVF, but eventually it turned out that I'm not a good candidate.) We had hoped to have three children. We're planning to adopt one child; we'll see about a second adoption if the first ones goes well.

Since we have a three year old, we want to bring a infant or younger child into our home so that DS can stay the oldest child in the household. Since we have a son, we would really like a daughter. We would be willing to adopt two younger children at once, but I don't know how often such opportunties arise.

When I first started looking into adoption, the first domestic agency I talked to said we were not good candidates because we have a biological son. So then we really looked at International, but so many countries are currently closed to adoption. We can't spend the amount of time needed in Kazakstan. We're seriously considering Russia, but tales of fetal alcohol syndrome and attachment issues worry me. We were really interested in China, but the wait is so long and uncertain right now that it isn't our first choice.

So we're back to looking at domestic adoption. We've looked into several different agencies and lawyer groups. We're pretty certain we know who we want to go with, but it will be a lot of money and we're still pulling it together.

My younger sister is adopted from Russia; we used Catholic Social Services as our agency. They sent us a 5 minute video of her running around and playing before we accepted. My dad's a pediatrician, and both he and some of his colleagues studied the video for any obvious signs of fetal alcohol syndrome and other disorders. Thankfully, she was fine. I haven't been paying much attention to the status of Russian adoptions, but when we got her three years ago, she was one of the last to be let out before they shut down adoptions. I know they've reopened somewhat, but if you want any more specific details or contact info (my parents know more than me, and I'm sure they'd be more than happy to talk to you), please PM me.