OT: Support website for Evil Stepmothers?

[AMaloy314]

I am struggling with my stepdaughter (15) who is going through the "terrible teens". I think the situation is exacerbated by the fact that she is not my biological daughter.

I would really like to find someplace where I can vent/discuss solutions with other stepmoms that are tired of being Evil. Does anyone know of a good stepparenting website?

Thanks!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I'm an evil stepmother, too! Luckily, mine hasn't hit the teens (though sometimes she acts like one)...she will turn 11 this winter.

Anyway, I don't know of any support sites, but I would also love to know of some. And good luck with your stepdaughter. When it gets really bad around here, I just laugh and think about all the ways she resembles her father, my husband.

 

[fakereadhed]

Cheer up, honey. It's not you. As a biological mother of 2 teenage girls I can tell you that no matter who you are and what you say to them they will hate you. It's the hormones. It is hard to see it as funny, but I do occasionally. If I say quietly, "You need to pick up your clothes off the bathroom floor" I get-"STOP YELLING AT ME!!!" and "You are SO MEAN!!!"

I am not saying that things aren't harder for a stepmom, but really, Snow White herself wouldn't be sweet enough around here to suit them. It's not just you having a tough time with teenage girls.

 

[kellyg403]

I am the bio mom to 1 girl in her teens and 2 sd....and yes they are the same in every way. I see the most difference in myself. I have no problems punishing or whatever needs to be done but with 2 sd I tend to relinquish that task to dad. He, of course, doesn't get I have been dealing with their bad attitude, eye rolling and sighing for about 4 hours and have had ENOUGH. Combine that stuff with hormonal cycles and I think dear old dad might just be living alone with the 3 of them soon!

Take heart...step or bio teen daughters are tough. You can't win, just be consistent. Eventually they realize what pains they were...my 23 dd with a son of her own often remembers and apologizes. Now she sees how difficult it is to clean up after someone, love them and want to kill them all at the same time!

Kelly

 

[dameodie]

I don't know of one either, but if you find one post it?

Since my husband's daughters are still young, and I spend time with them alone while he's at work on Saturdays, before school, used to be after school...you get the idea... I can envoke simple punishments (losing TV, losing toys for X amount of time, etc) because when they're young you need to act when the behavior is happening. Plus, it's not fair to my husband to always have to play the "Just wait till your father gets home!" card. If for some reason he disagrees with what I did, we'll talk about it out of their earshot. Sometimes we'll change or relent a punishment a bit, but always in the context of "We talked about it and..." rather than "Your father says your punshiment should be X instead." Sorry, I got going on a tangent there. I know there are different schools of thought here, and every situation is different. However, since I'm NOT going away, they live in our house half of their lives, and because I didn't just pop into their lives when they're teenagers... it would be suicide for them to think that Odie is a weakling who can't blink unless Daddy says so. I mean, think about it in terms of two bio parents raising kids... the parent "at the scene" can punish small infractions, but large ones would have to be discussed between both parents before the punishment is decided on.

Anyway. It's a fine line to walk... you question yourself CONSTANTLY... Do I really have the right to do this? Who do you think you are anyway? But if there's no foundation built now in reguards to dicipline, it'll be even worse in a handfull of years when we have two teenage girls on our hands.

Though, on the bright side, I DID jokingly say to DSD8 after meeting Cinderella this summer "I'm surprised you didn't introduce me as your wicked stepmother..." and she said "But...you're a nice stepmother!" and sounded surprised that I'd say that. So even though I feel like the Wicked Queen a lot of the time, obviously something positive's getting through!

 

[brymolmom]

My sister is a stepmom to 3...and has a VERY difficult time with them.

I believe the web site she goes to (a LOT) and that has been very supportive of her efforts is called - second wives club or something similar - google it and I'm sure you'll find it.

Best of luck - I KNOW it is not an easy thing. I see my sister go through it every day. My biggest gripe on the outside is that her dh has NOT (IMO) given her enough support and DEMANDED (with repercussions if not) that they give her respect.

 

[Elmo888]

Maybe not helpful, but definitely amusing...have you read this TR by "a real life Wicked Stepmom"? It might not help (her stepchildren aren't teens), but it will amuse...

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=20870904#post20870904

Wishing you luck!

 

[pyrxtc]

wicked Stepmom here too, DSD just turned 13 and it it seems the older she gets, the more she plays the "I don't ahve to listen to you" game. I treat her as I do my own but she acts as if it's just I'm treating her mean all of the time. God forbid I ever as her to do anything around the house or anything that requires her to be out of her room.

 

[AMaloy314]

Thanks everyone.

I have been stepmom to the two girls for 11 years so I know that they really don't remember a time when I wasn't around. I know that many stepmoms feel this way, but I really feel that I was more of a 'mom' to the girls when they were younger than their own mother. I don't blame their mom (too much, anyway. ) She was young, had the girls in daycare while she worked then often with a babysitter while she went out with her friends during the 15 days per month that she had the girls. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home when we had them as I worked as a relief pharmacist and set my own hours. I potty trained the youngest, taught them both to read, and generally did all the things that my mom did with me. DH and I worked well as a team and I got all the 'support' that I needed from him.

Fast forward to about a two years ago..... Their mother, now married, quit her job and has decided that she wants to be full-time friend to the girls. She has always maintained that she would rather be a friend to them than a 'mean mother'. Anyone hear warning bells going off anywhere??? Now that the girls are older, they stay with their mom for the school week and we don't see them nearly as often since they also want to spend time with their friends.

The oldest has now become a teenager and going through all that entails with moodiness and acting out, etc. DH doesn't want to spend the little time with her having to discipline her for her behavior, but it is really out of control to the point of writing obscenities all over her bedroom wall. (Dh's attempt to explain that was that we told her she could decorate the room however she wanted to!!!) She has even been grounded at her mothers, which is unheard of, for telling her mother she will be with a friend and then going somewhere else. She has become increasingly disrespectful to the point that last weekend, she refused to do what I told her and said she didn't "have to". DH comes home and is angry with me for making him handle the situation, which in my opinion he didn't do anyway by just telling her that she has to listen to me. I feel guilty for saying this, but I don't even want the girls around. Their little brothers see them getting away with things because I don't want to cause a big fight with DH. And DH doesn't want to cause a big fight with the girls. The girls are just happy to do what they want!

I understand DHs point, but I'm getting tired of being disrespected, being angry with DSDs, angry with DH, and dreading the weekend when they are here. I know that I'm not the only one that goes through all this, but I'm the only one that I know in this situation.

After rereading my post, I think a big part of this is DH. Apparently, that is the problem I need to address first. Hmmmm...anyone know of a "Evil Wife" support site?

Thanks for letting me vent and letting me know that I'm not totally alone in this.

 

[Janet Hill]

You're in a tough position. Girls this age are horrible to begin with (I know, I had one once and will have one again in about 6 years). At our house it was the evil stepfather. We solved the problem by me (bio-mom), being the discipinarian. Stepdad vetted everything through me and I was the enforcer. I did enforce, and it sounds like your husband doesn't want to enforce. My daughter generally disliked her stepfather. I didn't make her like or respect him, because you cannot force someone to respect someone. However, she did have to be courteous. In return, he did things (like maintenance on her car) whenever he could (never asking for anything in return).

Stepdad walked her down the aisle when she got married. So there is hope.

 

[3princesses+aprince]

I have a stepson, not a stepdaughter, but I do have 3 bio. daughters and i'm getting scared reading this, they are still young right now, but wait, i'll have cranky, moody, attitude, and slamming doors times 3.

Even though I have a stepson, I know what everyone is talking about when it comes to should I discipline for this or not, should I let his father deal with it. I know it is hard. I've been with my dh since my stepson was 22months old. He just turned 11. so i've been in his life since he can remember, he always tells me i'm the best stepmom ever( which makes me feel bad when what i'm thinking is i've have enough for the weekend, but I must be doing enough right)

I'm sitting here right now though very greatful that dh had a boy and not a girl. teenage girls will be difficult enough. and I wish you all luck , you stepmothers to girls.....
Now i'm going to go read that evil stepmother trip report that was posted

 

[Darcy03231]

Been there, done that. It sounds like you're not the only having a hard time with her. What we did was to have a meeting with me, DH, her mom and step-dad and present a united front. If she was grounded at her mom's she was just as grounded at our house and vice versa. We all would discuss what she'd done (actually it was mostly me and her mom) and would decide on a punishment and it was enforced in both homes. She's a smart girl so it didn't take her long to figure out she wasn't going to get away with much. Some of it was just the normal teenage stuff and we all let a bit slide - ie the eye rolling, some of the mouth, etc.. Today she's a wonderful young woman, in college, doing well and has apologized many a time for her rotten behavior from about 15-18. There is hope.