OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[deerhart]

What does health have to do with it. People have c-sections all the time and recover and return to their lives everyday. Same goes for infants. People have been having babies for ages and eventually you have to take them out in public. Each parent has to make that decision when to take their baby out. My guess though is within the first six weeks most babies go to the grocery store, church, restaurant or other place where there are other people.

But it is an individual thing. Not ALL pregnancies go well. Not ALL babies can handle being with a large group of people that quickly. Yes people have been having babies for ages, and guess what for ages and ages the mortality rate of those women and the babies they carried was extremely high! Even in the US, we have one of the WORST mortality rates of women and babies in the developed world. But mind you were aren't as bad as places in Africa with the mortality rate of women during pregnancy is 1:18 or India where its 1:54

God forbid (because if is NOT happening ever) I ever get pregnant again, I plan NOTHING for the next 10-11 possibly 12 months. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, I missed family reunions, was not even allowed to travel to my parents house 3 hour drive away because none of the hospitals there had a level 3 NICU (i would have had to be helicoptered back here). I missed several weddings (on both sides) and a funeral of someone extremely dear to me (couldn't help that one, doc did an emergency induction). Babe and I weren't allowed in any public setting until he was at least 6 weeks old.

It is a TON of money to spend traveling cross country on the HOPES that everything goes well. She has already had complications in the past (which increases the likelihood of future complications), which makes it even more risky.

 

[deerhart]

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the sister wasn't the one who planned better? The OP has never answered how long she knew about her sister's plans to marry or when the approximate date of the wedding was set. She may have known the time frame (late summer, early fall) before she and her husband started trying for a third child. Or, I might be totally off base .

Oh man that could just open up a WHOLE flood gate. What if the third wasn't planned and a complete OOPS?

What if the third child was planned with the specific time frames between children back prior to the OP and her DH even getting married?

Where do you stop? I mean I had planned since I was a 16 that if I had kids I would have my first right out of undergrad, and then every kid 2-2.5 years after that and be finished by the time I was 30 (counting on 3 or 4).

 

[minechuchie]

Correct me if I am wrong but a 5-6 week old baby does not have all the innoculations they need to be able to fly. Please discuss this with your doctor and my guess will be that he definately will not recommend it.

 

[mickeymaker2003]

Correct me if I am wrong but a 5-6 week old baby does not have all the innoculations they need to be able to fly. Please discuss this with your doctor and my guess will be that he definately will not recommend it.

Innoculations aren't required to fly, but my pediatrician would recommend against putting a newborn in the recycled air, close quarters environment until at least 8 weeks of age because of babies immature immune system.

 

[HunnyPots]

OK, surely I am not the only one who, at 5-6 weeks postpartum, was getting NO SLEEP and was a walking zombie! Fly 6 hours and attend a wedding??? Yeah, right. It was a banner day if I got to take a shower and make the bed. It has been almost 20 years and I still get tired just thinking about it!

 

[Debbie Jean]

OK, surely I am not the only one who, at 5-6 weeks postpartum, was getting NO SLEEP and was a walking zombie! Fly 6 hours and attend a wedding??? Yeah, right. It was a banner day if I got to take a shower and make the bed. It has been almost 20 years and I still get tired just thinking about it!

That thought occurred to me, too, but I thought I might be the only sissy in the group!

 

[39CINDERELLA]

you will have a newborn and still be recovering yourself from delivery......STAY HOME

Do not feel guilty at all! Take care of you and yours first

 

[WendyisDarling]

I certainly couldn't read all of the replies. I think the money and missing Kindergarten are reasons, but I wouldn't even bother fighting over those.

I would simply say no because of having had a C-section 5 weeks prior and a newborn baby. Some people have no problem traveling in this situation, obviously, but not me. I can think of a dozen reasons I would not have considered traveling so far.

IMO, it is really harsh for them to put such an expectation on you.

I would simply say "I'm sorry, but it is too soon after delivering my baby to travel". I wouldn't stress about it anymore, but I would send a great gift with a letter expressing how you wish you could witness her special day but are so glad you will be a part of the many years they have together.

 

[kkwis2]

OK, I haven't read all the replies, and perhaps you won't even see this, but.......

You are the only one who has the power to TAKE the power back from your family members. Do not allow them to phsycologically hijack you any more! As another post said - which I really loved and plan to use in the future - tell them you are sorry that you can't be there, wish you could, but circumstances don't allow it. PERIOD. No more argument.

I have been in too many family drama situations myself and know how much it just sucks the life and energy out of you - worrying about what has been said, what will be said, etc. You don't need this right now, so take the power back. Don't feed it into it.

Good luck!

PS: I have to agree that there is no way that I would be on a plane 6 weeks after having a baby. NO WAY!!

 

[maraki527]

I have to agree with the OP with every thing that is going on your c-section, medical bills, and school it is easy for us to see your point. Sometimes family thinks they can be selfish. How about if you talk with your sister without your mother involved and tell her that you wish you can be there and explain everything to her or What if you go this spring or summer and spend some time with her. Do things that you would typically do around the wedding. Go to a spa and have some sister time.

I have four sisters and I would feel really bad if one them couldnt come I would be angry too for a while (at least I admit it!) but no matter what we are sisters.

 

[penn19]

Your mother sounds like my MIL. When my oldest was a newborn (less than 1 month old) we had gone over to my MIL's home on Christmas Eve. Both my SIL and niece had bad colds yet kept insisting on touching my DD. Then at home that evening my DD either had the biggest spit up I've ever seen or she threw up. I called the pediatrician and she advised I keep my DD home on Christmas Day. My MIL was livid. She said I had ruined her Christmas because she wanted a baby to be there. She wasn't even concerned that her granddaughter might be sick or that being around people with colds could put her at risk for RSV.

Sounds like my MIL. I had my ds 3 days before Thanksgiving. I felt that not only was it too soon for me and the baby to go to a big gathering, but it didn't help that my BIL was sick and was planning on being there, not to mention a lot of little kids at the time. I stood my ground and she was pissed! Of course I was pissed after, because my DH thought it would be ok for him and my other 2 kids to go. So me and the baby sat at home. Was not a happy camper at the time!

 

[penn19]

Have you ever had a sibling not show up to your wedding? A wedding, for most people, is something that you want to share with those closest to you and you want those people there for you.QUOTE]

I agree with that. Growing up my closest relatives lived half-way across the country. My parents made every effort to go to important events. As an adult I tried to go to my cousin's weddings if at all possible.


When I got married 20 years ago not one of my 5 siblings showed up. Not one. Granted it was on the small side for a wedding, and I was pregnant, but that is something that stays with you for a long time. And really, they never did give me a reason why they wouldn't come. Just couldn't/wouldn't. But thats my family for you. When my brother got married, I didn't go to his either, BUT I had an 8 week old at the time, and was nursing. Wasn't going to do it. AND yes, I was pregnant before they set the date.

 

[crisi]

Best advice was on the first page. "I'm sorry, I would love to be there, but its not going to be possible."

They don't need to know about your finances....telling them invites them to help "solve" your problems by "fixing" your expenses.

They don't need to know about the first week of school...telling them invites them to inform you that their priorities are more important than yours.

They don't need to know about your concerns travelling after delivery...telling them lets them tell stories about "their friend Stacy who climbed Mt. Everest a month after giving birth to triplets."

Any excuse you give invites them to "solve" your problem for you - usually by having you spend your time and your money they way they want.

And if it ends your relationship with your family, sounds like that won't be a huge loss.

 

[Irin997]

Best advice was on the first page. "I'm sorry, I would love to be there, but its not going to be possible."

They don't need to know about your finances....telling them invites them to help "solve" your problems by "fixing" your expenses.

They don't need to know about the first week of school...telling them invites them to inform you that their priorities are more important than yours.

They don't need to know about your concerns travelling after delivery...telling them lets them tell stories about "their friend Stacy who climbed Mt. Everest a month after giving birth to triplets."

Any excuse you give invites them to "solve" your problem for you - usually by having you spend your time and your money they way they want.

And if it ends your relationship with your family, sounds like that won't be a huge loss.

Why is everything based on your mother's terms? I'll pay IF.... You can come IF... It shouldn't be conditional. If they wanted you there as badly as they claim (apparently mostly to help cook for a dinner you aren't even invited to ) then they would help in any way possible. Offer a place to stay, mom would offer to help pay unconditionally, offer to pick you up at the airport. But no, it's all conditional. IF you come with the boys I'll pay. IF you come, you have to get a hotel and can't stay with anyone. IF you come, you have to help cook for rehearsal dinner, but you can't come to the dinner. Sounds like you're just free labor (for the most part).

Stay home, enjoy your baby, your husband, your other kids, and the first day of kindergarten. When they call, say I'm not coming, and that's final. Offer nothing else. They refuse to see or even acknowledge your point of view. Talk about selfish.

 

[dallastxcpa]

You are really comparing a flight cross country with going out in your own neighborhood to the grocery store, church, restaurant, or other place? Seriously?

My quote was in relation to the people who said they wouldn't take a baby on a plane because of germs. There are germs and sick people everywhere. So unless you plan on baracading yourself in your house and not having any visitors over for six weeks what is the difference between exposing your baby to germs at the grocery store or mall as opposed to a plane.

 

[grumpeeduck]

I cannot even stress how SELFISH THEY are being to even expect you to be there at all. I can't even picture being that far away from home without my DH there plus trying to tend to a 5 week old infant in strange surroundings! The luggage alone would be logistically impossible for a mom who just had a baby! The other reasons of school (others posters are soooooo right about a Kindergartner's first week being CRITICAL-that can't be missed) and money are huge, too.
I agree to not let them control you, boss you, or make you feel guilty-they are demanding the impossible of you. You need no further explanations to anyone.
Tell them "NO", do it now, and then you can relax and not worry about this anymore.

 

[grumpeeduck]

My quote was in relation to the people who said they wouldn't take a baby on a plane because of germs. There are germs and sick people everywhere. So unless you plan on baracading yourself in your house and not having any visitors over for six weeks what is the difference between exposing your baby to germs at the grocery store or mall as opposed to a plane.

There is actually a HUGE difference! There are way more germs on planes, and in airports! Plus, the exposure to all of the wedding guests!

 

[dallastxcpa]

There is actually a HUGE difference! There are way more germs on planes, and in airports! Plus, the exposure to all of the wedding guests!

So exactly how many germs does it take to get a person sick?

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I took my babies everywhere from the beginning. They don't have to be such an extreme burden. Some if the comments about not being able to travel, etc., is really surprising to me.

That said, it doesn't sound like this is a good thing for you to do. Although, you might want to consider whether it is hormones that are causing some of the exteme reactions you are having.

 

[dallastxcpa]

TOTALLY AGREE!!! That person needs to get off her high horse!!! I am not sure what flew up her rear, but she needs to get over it!! She claims to have had children, but that must have been a long time ago!! Kindergarten was not the main reason for the OP to stay, it was the BABY!! Kindergarten was another VERY VALID reason for staying home!!

Sorry, DallasBridezilla made me slightly annoyed!!

I hope that last remark wasn't aimed at me because I am pretty sure that calling people names is against the board rules.