OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[MEM]

Wow. It's the marriage that matters, not the ceremony. If my sister felt the need to end our relationship because I wasn't at her wedding it would only mean that we're not as close as I thought we were.

Excellent point!

 

[bethy]

OK, i just went and read through more of the details.

When you get down to it, setting all the other crap aside, it is just not reasonable or safe to fly 3000 miles with a newborn and 5 weeks after a C-section. That would be really irresponsible! Think of all the risks of bloodclots while sitting on the plane and issues with lifting things while travelling. Not to mention exposing a newborn to the recirculated air on a plane for a minimum of 12 flying hours - yikes! And then there are the airport and the wedding - all those germs, all that upset for a tiny little baby who is brand new to the world! Plus, what if this baby is a fussy baby or has colick? There is no way of knowing this baby's health or personality ahead of time.

Even if the OP could afford to go (which is another issue - if you don't have the money then you just don't have it) the medical risks would pretty much be the deciding factor if it were me. Even if the wedding were the most important event in the world and there were no drama from the family.

 

[dizkids]

Op i had emergency gall bladder surgery when my youngest was 5 weeks. My doctor said no way could i continue to breastfeed and i was stubborn because while i was away at the hospital i still pumped and got through 5 miserable days without my baby and continued to breastfeed for a year. I know the thought of leaving an infant for a couple days is hard but I would feel better knowing the infant is being cared for at home rather than being subjected to the confines of an airport, security area, waiting area, airplane itself (god willing you have no delays), not to mention all the baby cargo. If you MUST go why not have your MIL watch the baby at your house and if you get the green light from your doctor travel alone.

BUT after reading all the posts it does sound like money is an issue so for that reason i would just not go, but as posters have said i wouldnt even tell them that is the excuse.

And also, it doesnt sound like its a big lavish affair since you are to help make the food and i dont mean it like there is something wrong with a more simple wedding. I am thinking that it would NOT be detrimental to the wedding budget if they must know NOW if you can make it or not.

Tell your sister you would absolutely love to be at the wedding but becuase of your situation there is not way you will know until after the baby is born and you get the approval from your doctor.

Good luck! .

 

[Ericandjenng]

OP--I feel for you!! We have family on both sides just like your mom & sis. I learned to consider my hubby & kids my family and all the others my extended family--yes even my siblings and parents--I figure I made a choice the day I got married that this was my family. After nearly 10 years, hubby is now learning the same thing.

Does this mean I don't love the rest of them? No, I do but there are alot more important considerations than all of them. Your parent(s) look out for you but why do they expect you not to look out for your kids' best interests? I frequently run into this with my mother. Quite frankly at this point I don't care what anyone on either side of our family has to say about much of anything because to me, MY kids come first. It's my responsibility to care for them regardless of anyone else's opinion and that includes worrying about my own health so that I can continue to do this.

I just had my 2nd c-section and did not have any additional complications--most docs consider repeat c/s a complication in and of itself--scar tissue and all that. And although I didn't "feel" bad at 5 weeks, I was still healing and therefore needed to be "responsible" for my own health. I definitely would not have travelled with or without anyone else at that point.

And yes I missed my sister's 2nd wedding only two hours away because she scheduled her wedding for 2 weeks after I was having surgery--not a c/s. I sent them a nice gift and left it at that. We get along as well now as before. We both understand that when you have your own family, you have to pick and choose what's best for your family and not anyone else!

Good luck on your next bundle of joy!!!

 

[bethy]

I didn't read all of the replies and I hope you don't take this the wrong way but...

How long did you know about the wedding? I am asking because my husband and I got engaged and had a 2 year engagement, giving everyone plenty of time to save and be ready to get to our wedding. A month before our wedding his brother told us he couldn't be in the wedding and probably couldn't come... He didn't come and we haven't spoken to him since. It hurts a lot to not have your siblings at your wedding. I do understand that you will have a newborn baby but if she really wants you there, bring the baby to the actual ceremony and be at the reception as much as you feel comfortable with.

Idk that is just me and I have been there and know that it sucks when family doesn't show

ETA: I just noticed you said you found out the date a few weeks ago... did they just get engaged? Or did they just pick a date? If they just got engaged then I completely understand not being able to save that much in this little bit of time. If they got engaged a while ago and knew the date was tba later, then that is different.

To everyone who wants to know how long the OP has known about the engagement: Do you honestly expect her and her husband to coordinate their family planning and birth control around a wedding? Babies don't happen that way - and even if they did, it would be awfully presumptious to expect people to plan their children's conceptions that way.

Also, I think it is unconscionable to let a tiny thing like a wedding come between a sibling relationship. I have been to at least 20 weddings and I honestly hope I don't ever have to go to one again besides for my own DD's. I just cannot stand the self-centered atmosphere that permeates them nowadays. Yuck. FTR, I have been happily married for 13 years, just in case anyone might think I am speaking out of bitterness.

 

[designermv]

No way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks would I fly 3000 miles with three young kids, one of which would only be 5 weeks old, a mere 5 weeks after a c-section! I'd actually be surprised if your doctor gave you medical clearance to do so. OP, given the logistics of the trip I think you are perfectly within reason to skip your sister's wedding. Even if money were not an issue, it's just too much for a recently c-sectioned mom and a new baby. I'd tell your sister your doctor and the baby's pediatrician advised against it. I'm pretty sure that wrangling kids on an airplane, lifting baby, toting luggage, etc. is far beyond what is reasonably expected so soon after major abdominal surgery.

 

[lattemomof3]

No way would I fly w/ my 5 week old baby, OR leave my 5 week old baby. Even though it's hard, stand your ground.

 

[bethy]

Also, sounds like she just announced the date. I would never choose a date when my sister has a 1 month old to bring! Watch, if you end up going... next she will say you can't bring the baby to the wedding and you will end up sitting in a hotel room!

You could very well be right!

And leaving a 5 week-old behind to fly across the country is the most unreasonable suggestion yet. Babies need their mothers - and vice versa. Especially overnight.

 

[minnie1928]

Thats when the drama and fights began. I usually avoid all of it by just doing what my mom wants, but not at my kids expense.

Maybe that's part of the problem...maybe your mom is used to you backing down and she's thinking that she's not pushing hard enough yet. Stand your ground, you've got lots of valid reasons to not go.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I think it's really sad that your mom & sister don't understand what you are going through with all of this. Of all people, they should be very understanding. Sure, they want you there, we all want our siblings there, but you have a lot on your plate right now. They should understand that. If anything, they should fly to you for the birth of your baby and see you then. I feel for you. I hope that everything works our peacefully for you. You certainly do not need to be stressed out right now.

 

[Beckypooh1972]

My DS starts kindergarten that week. I told her I would go with my new 5 week old baby cause I did not want my DS to miss the first week of school.

You have way too much going on then to consider flying 3000 miles with a newborn and other kids too. No way I'd do it and my family wouldn't expect it. Sorry this is so stressful for you. I'd just say no... or do what I do and tell them your hubby/partner thinks it nuts and won't let you go. My DH would tell me so if I were in your place.

 

[robinb]

No, the date was selected because after labor day they save 500. My son starts that wed at school which is why I said he could not go. My nephew also starts that week and is not being pulled from school. Which mom is also unhappy about.

Our fight was because I'm not bringing my boys. She will not pay for my trip because she says now she has to pay and come out here to see my boys. Our fight was because she thought we should fly out on a red eye Thurs. and leave Sun. Which I told her I would not do because that is not fair to the boys. Its 2 hrs to my airport, 6hrs in flight, they are 3 hrs behind, and 3 hrs to get a rental and get out of the airport area. My boys would be really jet lagged by the time he started school on Mon. Sis and mom think that is no big deal, but Im not putting my kids thru that. Thats when the drama and fights began. I usually avoid all of it by just doing what my mom wants, but not at my kids expense.

Thank you for clarifying things .

In that case ... if the fight was because your other kids would not be able to make it then I would simply lay the whole blame on her doorstep. You can't afford to go due to medical bills and she won't pay for you to go without them. Rock, meet Hard Place. I would also speak to your OB and your kids' pediatrician about traveling that far at 5 weeks postpartum. Either one may nix it and and you will have an out. You could even coax them into rendering the "correct" opinion. This is your best bet because they cannot argue with doctor's orders.

I'm sorry ... I kept on seeing same sanity from your mom and sister but now that I have more information I see there is none after all.

 

[mjkacmom]

To everyone who wants to know how long the OP has known about the engagement: Do you honestly expect her and her husband to coordinate their family planning and birth control around a wedding? Babies don't happen that way - and even if they did, it would be awfully presumptious to expect people to plan their children's conceptions that way.

Also, I think it is unconscionable to let a tiny thing like a wedding come between a sibling relationship. I have been to at least 20 weddings and I honestly hope I don't ever have to go to one again besides for my own DD's. I just cannot stand the self-centered atmosphere that permeates them nowadays. Yuck. FTR, I have been happily married for 13 years, just in case anyone might think I am speaking out of bitterness.

LOL - the only reason #2 and #3 are almost 3 years apart was because my sister got married right after ds turned 2, and I didn't want to be pregnant at her wedding! However, she was having it at an all-inclusive, and if I'm paying that much, I'm living it up (and not wearing a maternity bathing suit). I got pregnant the month after. However, I always got pregnant the first try (much to the dismay of DH ).

OP, I wouldn't plan on going in your situation.

 

[ICF]

Guy's opinion here---

To the OP, tough situation you are finding yourself in and I wouldnt want to have my wife in your shoes.

However---I am of the belief that only YOU (and your hubby) know what is best for your family. I would NOT want my wife, 5 weeks post C-section driving 2 hours to the airport, flying across country and so on w/out me......with or without our 5 week old. I cant imagine her trying to do all of that WITH a 5 week old baby, which would almost be mandatory if she were breastfeeding.

As for the child starting school. No, missing a week of kindergarten wont impact the kid getting into college 18 years from now. However, this isnt some random week 3 months into the school year. It's the FIRST week of school, and as others have mentioned that is an important week. Clearly I don't know the OP's kid, however there is a lot of social interaction going on that 1st week and learning how school works. If the kid has been in daycare prior and has friends in the class it might not be as big a deal....however if he's been home with him mom for the last 5 years and now has to leave her and learn how the real world (such as it is when your 5/6) works then it would be important for him to be there.

Sounds like money is also a serious issue, which the sister should be able to sympathize with. Sure, I was glad my siblings were at my wedding, but if one of them were in the financial / health situations that the OP described, I would cut them a whole lot of slack and wouldnt hold it against them. The wedding is the start and not the end of their lives together and there will be other chances to see them.

The Bride to be picked a date that works for HER and didnt consult the OP (which the Bride has every right to do) and the OP has the same right to send regrets for any of a # of the reasons she stated.

 

[tiredsigh]

OP, I wouldn't go. I have had 2 Csections. Just because some other posters here didn't rest up and take it easy doesn't mean that you need to travel cross country 5 weeks PP.

My brother suddenly told me last week that he is getting married in late October in Florida. None of us live in Florida. All of us (including her parents) live in the same city. They just decided they wanted to get married in Florida. I have limited vacation time and have already taken 3 days in January for a trip and have paid for a trip in a few weeks to WDW for a week. No time left and it's during my DH's busy season.

I told him that we wouldn't be able to make it. They decided where they wanted to get married. I have no problem with that. I don't expect them to work around my schedule. I also don't expect them to throw a fit when the bulk of the family can't make it. Who disowns family over something like that

But, I got married in the Carribean. We got married alone on a beach. We invited family but didn't expect any of them to feel like they had to come. If they had come, it would have been great. They didn't come and that was great too.

 

[luvmy3]

No, the date was selected because after labor day they save 500. My son starts that wed at school which is why I said he could not go. My nephew also starts that week and is not being pulled from school. Which mom is also unhappy about.

Our fight was because I'm not bringing my boys. She will not pay for my trip because she says now she has to pay and come out here to see my boys. Our fight was because she thought we should fly out on a red eye Thurs. and leave Sun. Which I told her I would not do because that is not fair to the boys. Its 2 hrs to my airport, 6hrs in flight, they are 3 hrs behind, and 3 hrs to get a rental and get out of the airport area. My boys would be really jet lagged by the time he started school on Mon. Sis and mom think that is no big deal, but Im not putting my kids thru that. Thats when the drama and fights began. I usually avoid all of it by just doing what my mom wants, but not at my kids expense.

I completey understand, I wouldn't go either if I was in the same situation, I was just thinking that maybe your sis was having the wedding then for a reason other than saving money. It sounds like your mom is trying to bully you into going, and bringing your boys, because she has been able to get her way (with you) in the past. To me it sounds like your sis is caught in the middle, but may be being fed ideas from your mom, does she even have kids, does she know what its like to travel like that?
I flew across the country with only 2 kids, one was under 3 and the other was a newborn (less than 2 weeks), I didn't have a choice but if I did I would never do that again, and dh was with me. We had to stay in a hotel for 2 days before our flight (the movers had taken all of our stuff), we needed to rent a car when we landed and drive another 3 hours to our destination. It was the trip from you know where. No way is it just easy peasy, and I'm sorry that your mom doesn't seem to care. Tell them your OB/GYN says no traveling before 8 weeks post partum but they are free to visit you after the wedding to see the new baby

 

[2shortpeopleruleme]

OP, I don't want to break any rules on the Dis, but I wanted to let you know that I belong to a wonderful In-law/family advice board. If you would like the web address please PM and I will gladly share!

Here are the best 2 pieces if advice I have ever recieved from those ladies...

'NO'- is a complete sentence.

If they try to engage you simply respond: 'That doesn't work for me.' repeat as needed!

Send a card and stay put!

 

[lovesmurfs]

Good heavens. I would think that after a C-section, your doctor wouldn't allow you to fly 5 weeks post-partum, anyway. Get a note and send it to DSis. You're also not supposed to carry anything more than the weight of your baby until 6 weeks.

Aside from the expenses and other inconveniences, it's your health at risk if you travel as they want you to. Don't do it.

 

[cornfarmer]

OT...it is very selfish of your sister and mother to put this stress on you. It appears they are more interested in their own plans, than considering your financial and physical health.

I totally agree with your decision to stay home. Send a card / gift. Call your sister and explain the situation. Do not get angry or raise your voice..just wish them the happiest of weddings.

maybe your future brother in law has some common sense?

 

[tinkabella627]

Your Dh hasn't spoken to his brother since!? That is really a shame unless he was ready to cut his brother out of his life for other reasons. Just because you gave people lots of time to save and plan doesn't mean that your wedding was their first budgeting priority. It astounds me that anyone thinks their wedding is so important that everyone should drop everything and attend.

Right he has not talked to his brother since June. When plans are set and weeks before the wedding we find out he can't be in it and then can't come, yea it sucks. Like I said his brother was/is very irresponsible and I am not going to delve into details on here so that you can judge my husband's family anymore than you have judged us for not talking to him. I never said everyone needed to drop everything for my wedding and attend. In fact, one of my best friends was pregnant and was planning on making the trip to our wedding but got sick and her husband realized he started school the following week, so they couldn't make it. Yes, I cried and was upset since she is one of my best friends, but no I didn't flip out and expect her to get there. Like I said, my husband's brother is a different situation... and idc what anyone says, until your sibling doesn't show up for an event that is important to you and your family, you don't know how it feels. I felt so bad for my husband because his brother didn't come.

(And this has nothing to do with the OP because as I posted later, I see the reasons she can't go and agree. I just felt I needed to defend my family)

Have you ever had a sibling not show up to your wedding? A wedding, for most people, is something that you want to share with those closest to you and you want those people there for you.QUOTE]

I agree with that. Growing up my closest relatives lived half-way across the country. My parents made every effort to go to important events. As an adult I tried to go to my cousin's weddings if at all possible.



Yes I agree, but life happens - I can't make a blanked statement that it would end a relationship if someone couldn't come to my wedding. Being close to my sister I would be disappointed, but I would understand if she couldn't come for some reason. Of course if it was simply "I don't want to" I'd be upset - but in this case the OP does have valid reasons for not going. Also if we were that close & it was that important to me that she be there, I would also try to plan the date so that she could be there. It's a two way street.

I agree with you! My family tries to get to everything that we can get to but I see the OP has a very good reason to not go.

To everyone who wants to know how long the OP has known about the engagement: Do you honestly expect her and her husband to coordinate their family planning and birth control around a wedding? Babies don't happen that way - and even if they did, it would be awfully presumptious to expect people to plan their children's conceptions that way.

Also, I think it is unconscionable to let a tiny thing like a wedding come between a sibling relationship. I have been to at least 20 weddings and I honestly hope I don't ever have to go to one again besides for my own DD's. I just cannot stand the self-centered atmosphere that permeates them nowadays. Yuck. FTR, I have been happily married for 13 years, just in case anyone might think I am speaking out of bitterness.

I am not trying to start anything here but I wanted to point out that you chose to use my post to quote so I am replying. I posted later in that same post that I saw that she had said when she found out. And I never said that she needed to plan her birth control about a wedding.

I also don't appreciate the "self centered" comment- as a newlywed I feel like that is an unfair judgement of brides and/or grooms. I mean really... the ceremony is all about them, so for once let the day be about the couple and the people they want to share it with. That isn't self centered. It is meant to be their day.