OT: Son is flunking college, and I'm SO upset!

[sherry7]

Okay, this is completely off-topic I guess...other than the fact that I've wasted college tuition money for literally nothing.

DS graduated from high school this Spring. He wasn't a stellar student, but he did graduate with a B average. He enrolled at the local community college and took a total of 5 classes (16 hours) this fall. He ended up dropping his Chemistry class (and associated lab) a few weeks ago because he said he had no possible chance of passing it. A few days ago, he springs on me that there's no possible way he can pass his Math course, and will have to retake it. (He even had a tutor for the Math course.) 30 minutes ago, he calls me from school, and tells me he needs to change his schedule for next semester, because he's going to flunk his English course too. These weren't even super-hard classes that he dropped/flunked. The Chemistry course was equivalent to one he could have (should have) taken in high school. The Math course was actually a remedial, and won't even count toward a degree. The English course was just your normal Freshman English.

So, basically he started off with 5 classes, dropped 1, flunked 2, and will (hopefully) pass the other 2. The other 2 aren't even difficult classes (Public Speaking and Medical Terminology).

I'm at my wit's end with this kid. I've been asking him all semester long how he's doing in his classes, and the response is always "fine". College isn't like high school, where you can call up or email your kid's instructors to check up on them. Supposedly, he's an mature adult, and is entitled to the responsibilities and privacy of an adult...and mommy can't check up on him.

He works a part-time job, but only works about 20-22 hours per week, which pays for his car, gas, and a portion of his car insurance. I'm not sure that cutting back on his hours would even help, since he doesn't seem to study that much at home anyway.

I already told him (when he dropped the Chemistry course a few weeks ago) that I would NOT pay for the class a second time. Sorry, but it's a one-time deal...either you pass, or you pay for it the next time around. Is that wrong of me to think that way?

At this point, I'm just totally furious and upset. I "need" him to be a full-time student, because of health insurance. I can't afford to pay $600+ a month for Cobra coverage if he isn't a full-time student. But at this point, college is seeming like it's a total waste for him. He obviously doesn't appreciate the chances he is being given.

Other than the minimum wage job he's already got, he's not qualified to do much of anything. What is his life going to come to?

Grrrrr! Sorry, this was more of a vent post than anything. I need to get some of this off my mind before he comes home and I totally blow up at him. Sorry for any typos...I don't think well when I'm angry.

 

[Judy in Texas]

Sounds like a perfect candidate for the military, although you probably won't get him to agree with all that is going on in the world right now.

 

[DawnM]

Awe.....so sorry. It sounds like you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart about what he really wants out of college/life/career/goals, etc....maybe do it with an intermediary if you can so your and his emotions don't get the better of you!

Maybe he isn't ready for college yet and needs to work full time and see how he can make it on a low income job.

I don't know the abilities of your son, so I can't comment on that, but it sound like more of an application problem than it being too hard for him.

I think it is perfectly fair to say you won't pay for a class a second time. One time paying is more than many parents even give!

Another thought, IF you wanted to help him out, is to offer to re-imburse your son for passed classes. This is something a friend of ours did and my husband and I both really liked the idea. The child pays for first semester classes and we parents re-imburse if all classes are passed satisfactorally....so, in the end, our children *could* get all of their college paid back to them, but they have to front end the bill.

Raising kids is hard......I feel for ya'!

Dawn

 

[HM]

Sounds like you've done everything right. I have no advice for you.

I fear my son may end up like yours...he's just not putting the effort into HS that I think he needs to and his grades show it. I worry that college will be the same.

 

[Skatermom23]

In your shoes, I would probably steer him to the local recruiters office. You won't have to worry about health insurance and he will have a paycheck and a roof over his head. The money for college will even be given to him once he is ready to use it. Sometimes these young men need to grow up and the military is a good way to do it.

 

[DawnM]

Not to mention that the military is so backed up with applications right now that they are screening HEAVILY! My cousin's son is going into the Navy and they are ONLY taking two kinds of applicants....can't remember what he said they were...but they were intelligence career major types.

Sounds like a perfect candidate for the military, although you probably won't get him to agree with all that is going on in the world right now.

 

[Judy in Texas]

Another thought, IF you wanted to help him out, is to offer to re-imburse your son for passed classes. This is something a friend of ours did and my husband and I both really liked the idea. The child pays for first semester classes and we parents re-imburse if all classes are passed satisfactorally....so, in the end, our children *could* get all of their college paid back to them, but they have to front end the bill.

What a great idea!

 

[lindsmom]

Hi -

I completely understand why you're so frustrated, and I do feel for you. I just wanted to share my experience to possibly help you feel a little better about your son.

I went to college for four years. The last semester - I had registered for graduation, my parents had made reservations for graduation weekend, etc - I was failing all my courses and ended up leaving college with 3 1/2 years completed, only 18 credits away from graduating. I can't even imagine how my parents felt at the time. But I did know that I wasn't in the right place personally to graduate and go out on my own. I hated college so much, but possibly subconsciously I was afraid to become an adult, so I blamed it on school being useless.

It sounds to me like your son really just doesn't want to be a college student. I know that doesn't mesh with your vision of him, but this may be one of those times that you need to (when you're ready) step back and see him for the person that he is. See if he can find a job that offers medical (i.e. Stop & Shop supermarket here offers it for employees who work 30 hours / wk), and he may be able to take one class at a time to see if he likes it. Or does your state provide any kind of state - supplemented medical i.e. medicare (we have MassHealth here in MA)?

I agree that he has to pay his way - I finally went back two years ago (15 years later) and graduated on my own terms. It was much more satisfying that way, and I felt a great sense of pride in knowing I did it ON MY TERMS. My husband tried college for one semester and HATED it - went back to work at a supermarket (not exactly the dream job most parents have for their kids) and his career path has taken him to a pretty well - paying job (not quite six figures but we're close) without ever going back to school.

I know you're really frustrated and upset, but know that it (maybe) is very difficult for your son right now too. He probably (hopefully) feels bad about letting you down. Try to get through the holidays and know that he'll find his path and in the long run he'll be better off for finding that path himself.

Sorry to ramble so - it's just something that really struck home with me..

 

[tar heel]

I think you give a kid more than one semester before sending him off to the military recruiter unless that's something he was already considering.

It sounds like the problem is study habits. Since he is living with you and you are paying (most) of his college expenses, I think you can make some demands in this area, perhaps a standard two-hour a day study hall. What did he do in high school? If he didn't study much, that is an issue b/c going to community college probably doesn't feel that different to him. In spite of the distractions, it is easier to study in a dorm b/c that's what people around you are doing.

I don't think failing a college class the first semester means he's a failure or can't do it, but it does mean he's got to change his approach. If he wasn't failing English also, I would suggest that perhaps math and science are not his thing. It looks like he's planning a medical area career -- is that the right choice?

 

[PinballFamily]

First, OP -

It simply sounds like he isn't ready for college yet. That is actually more common I think than most folks believe. Whether he's living at home or in a dorm, it seems like he is being tempted by too many other diversions right now to focus on his studies.

So, working at a job for as long as it takes until he's ready to make his next move sounds like a logical outcome. If he can meet his bills with the part-time job, great, if not, I guess he needs to add hours/another job, or cut his expenses - no car, cell phone, etc. That's how grown-ups live.

There's no shame in working while he figures out what he wants to do. I really "get" the health insurance issue, but that is HIS problem now, not yours. You offered and supported one path (college and health insurance, and some portion of his car insurance) but he is choosing another. Let him walk down that path, with your blessing and love (but perhaps not a lot of $$$!) and see where it leads him.

Good luck - this sounds like a very stressful time for you - and having the news sort of dribble out wasn't the best choice he made, but it seems perfectly reasonable that you're done supporting the college effort for now.

 

[natenapril]

Not to mention that the military is so backed up with applications right now that they are screening HEAVILY! My cousin's son is going into the Navy and they are ONLY taking two kinds of applicants....can't remember what he said they were...but they were intelligence career major types.

My Dh is a recruiter and we haven't heard anything about not taking applicants

OP sorry for your son . I can't imagine the frustration you must be feeling. I agree with you though that I wouldn't pay for the class again. He needs to pay for it.

 

[tar heel]

About the health insurance ... Assuming he's a healthy young adult, you don't need to pay Cobra. You can get a high-deductible major medical only policy for $50-$60 a month and a traditional policy that covers doctor visits, etc., for under $150. This is what we did when our son was kicked off our insurance at age 22 and a year away from graduation. He has a job at a university now but is's classified as nonpermanent, and he's paying his own insurance.

 

[kkwis2]

I am so sorry for your frustration right now. I am a high school teacher and see many kids who are just not ready for post high school coursework. If a kid isn't all that studious in high school, post secondary can go one of several directions. He can figure it out and find courses that really interest him which in itself motivates him to do well. He can muddle his way through just because that's going to school is just what you do. Or he can take some time away from school to try to figure out what he wants to do. Having to work a job that he doesn't love and doesn't get paid all that well for can be very motivating!

I know many families in this situation who have told their kids that if they are not going to attend school and take it seriously (maintain a certain grade average decided by you), then they need to get a job and support themselves - pay rent to you or move out, pay for food and anything else an adult has to take care of. Don't make this easy or convenient for him.

Perhaps all he needs is a year or two to grow up and figure out what he wants. 18 is young and school doesn't have to happen right now!

Good luck to you. I know this isn't easy.

 

[PatsMom]

I long ago concluded that not all children are college material. Have you looked into a vocational school? The world needs plumbers and carpenters just as much as it needs doctors and laywers. Perhaps your son would be better off in one of the trades.

If he's not putting time into studying, maybe he just isn't ready to be serious about college yet. A few years in the military might help with that.

 

[ADAMANDLISA]

As a mother of 3 little ones who has been taking college classes for a while now, I think you are being a little rough on him.

16 credits is a lot (you only need 12 credits for full-time) for anyone, especially if you are working. English, Math and Chemistry are all higher credit classes which require more time than regular classes. Medical Terminology is pretty rough too from what I hear. College (even community college) is a lot different from high school...he may need some time to adjust.

Maybe I'm not the best person for advice on this..I did screw up too when I was his age..that's why I'm in school now. I wish my parents had been more understanding and helpful at the time though.

Good luck to you and your son. I really hope it all works out for you!

 

[mrsklamc]

Putting aside health insurance just for a moment, does he WANT to be a college student? Does he know what he wants to do with his life?

What DOES he do with his time, if he's not working full time and he isn't studying?

 

[marcyinPA]

Sounds like you've done everything right. I have no advice for you.

I fear my son may end up like yours...he's just not putting the effort into HS that I think he needs to and his grades show it. I worry that college will be the same.

In the same boat here. I have a 9th grader who is VERY intelligent, but VERY lazy. It's been a rough first three quarters, I'll tell you!

My first thought is the tough love approach, although I don't even know if I could follow through with my own son. The old, if you don't go to college, then you need to move out, get a job, pay for your benefits, etc. Don't think you're going to live off of mom and dad!

I also agree with the poster who said military. It's not the safest time to enlist, but it does provide a certain amount of structure and discipline that a lot of kids really need (mine would probably fall into this category too, not that we don't provide it for him, but it doesn't matter what we do...he needs it from an outside source).

 

[kwhite1022]

I kinda like the reimbursment option. Id tell him if he wants to continue going to college he will have to figure out a way to pay for it upfront, and if he then passes those classes you will reimburse him for those classes. It is amazing how much more dedicated a student becomes when its their money on the line.


For myself, my hubby and I are the "mean" parents. You want a car, you have to pay for 1/2 the car and all the insurance and gas, or you walk. You turn 18, dont want to go to college, you then have to pay rent, and have 1 year to figure out where you are going. If you want to do college, we help with free room and board, and books, the rest is up to you. Tough love has worked well so far for us, I see no reason it wont down the road.

 

[finz2left]

A different perspective here....

I'm a professor in a social science area at a large southern state school. Your son sounds like 1/4 to 1/2 of my freshman males. Truth be told, I do think it is a male maturity issue for many kids .... not all. I know insurance can be expensive, but I am also not pro-military. That's a HUGE emotional, moral, and life commitment. I don't think military is the only other option!

I think he might consider finding full-time work for awhile... maybe splitting insurance with you? Perhaps public service work? I'd start brainstorming and find out what he WANTS and what he is really capable of. Perhaps college really isn't his thing at this age ... or ever. But, there are plenty of amazing skilled trades and non-degree careers. My sister has a GED and makes 5x my salary -- she in real estate.

 

[Justsyd2]

I think that he needs another chance. 16 hours is a lot for a first semester in college. I have taken over 70 hours, and I can tell you that the classes and labs require a ton of commitment, and that is something that I had to learn. It doesn't come natural. Once you arrive in college you have to learn to prioritize and focus, and throwing 16 hours at him in his first semester...I'm not surprised to hear what happened. I would support him, and give him another chance.