OT: SAHM vent...

[busyshrew]

It does get better, MUCH better, with time.

Think of it this way. You just started a new job - as a SAHM. And the adjustment curve is looong. It takes time and energy to build relationships with other SAHMs and find friends in that community - friends who have similar values, similar parenting beliefs, etc. Be patient with yourself. Keep reaching out and joining mom's groups - more than one if you can!

Also, can you possibly set up some part-time babysitting for your daughter? I sent my own DD away for one afternoon a week to a WONDERFUL neighbour. It gave me an afternoon "off", didn't cost very much (I paid her of course), and it completely saved my sanity. DD is still so close to my neighbour's children, it was one of the best things I ever did.

The big thing that stuck out when reading your post OP - that your DH sleeps in on weekends and you don't. STOP IT. Seriously, I don't care what anybody says, that is completely unfair and the resentment can build FAST. Your DH needs to give you some "Mommy mornings" too. I'd set up one day a weekend where you sleep in.

And keep going out and doing your own things, please do NOT let your DH make you feel bad or guilty about it (you mention too, that he gets a bit cranky when you go out - too bad!!!). You need your own time. Yes, being a SAHM is a job, but nobody should be working 24/7 without any breaks whatsoever.

Good luck,

 

[rookie78]

I have been a SAHM for 5 1/2 years and I know too well how you feel. It is a lot of work and at times there seems to be no time for you. I used to do a mothers get together at a friend's house once a week for a couple of hours. It was a lot of fun, we would have lunch and visit for about an hour and a half. I also go to the gym 2-3 a week to a workout class for an hour and get to visit with women there. Things will get easier as the the baby gets older. I find it better if I ask my DH to help me with something or let him know I need to get away, instead of waiting for him to see what I think he should already know. No one really knows how hard it is for mothers stay at home or working, that includes our DH's. Hang in there the time will fly by before you know it.

 

[tartemis]

I have the most wonderful DH in the world and we split all household duties outside of normal work hours 50/50. I couldn't imagine it any other way. DH actually stays home with our girls these days so he does most of the house stuff while I'm at work, but when I come home I help out as much as possible. I realize, however, that DH is in the minority, not he majority.

The biggest lesson to be learned here however, is that if you have boys please, please, please, raise them to help out around the house and with the kids. Frankly, we have our mother's generation (and the generations before that) to blame for most men's behavior in this regard.

 

[jemgumby]

Oh wow I feel for you....you have my sympathy. Taking care of a child is I think the most difficult job and it is a shame your husband is not more supportive. Not trying to be rude but he sounds very selfish and if you don't stand up for yourself and your rights it will only get worse....if bills are trying to get paid down then how come he is allowed to have his "golf addiction?" He sounds very domineering to you. I think you need to stop this now before it gets worse....It is sad but alot of times men get away with this kind of behavior because we as a society allow it....You deserve better.

 

[amamax2]

That was one poorly timed golf addiction. Even the first game of golf wouldn't have happened in our household. One, I would have had a FIT. Two, DH couldn't bear to be away from DS more than he already was, so he wouldn't have chosen it. Three, you're paying debt down and he's taking up golf, one of the more expensive sports you can do????? IMO, that's gotta GO.

It's not what my life is like, no.

You are working, don't forget that. If you were off at a job, you would be paying someone to what you're doing now...less, actually. That person would be considered to have a job. So you do, too. You ARE working. You just don't have an obvious salary.



What was it like before? When you had an outside job with a paycheck? Did you do all the house and dog work then? Or it was it a bit more equitable? If it was more equitable, how is DH justifying the change? Just because your new, paycheck-free, job is at home?

DH felt that my job was "keeping our son alive", especially in the beginning. If I did *anything* beyond that, it was a bonus. Before I quite my paycheck jobs (which was actually while we were still engaged) we would both come home, do our share of cooking and cleaning, and it was all very fair. I hate doing dishes, he doesn't like vacuuming, so we had, and still have, our certain things we do. He doesn't mind "cleaning" toilets while I do, but he does a HORRID job of it, so I deal. And he cleans out the fridge when pasta, or beans, or rice or something has gone bad in the back of it (something I used to do when totally single, but it's not my fave).

These things didn't change, except for when I chose to do extra, when I had DS. If I was working elsewhere, the things at home wouldn't be done magically in an empty house. DS would be taken care of by the hired help, but unless we hired someone to do the housework, it would still be there for BOTH of us to do, when we both got home.

Although I have increased the amount of stuff I do, mainly b/c DS is nearly 6, and apart from homeschooling and the things he and I do, he's not underfoot and needy like he was when he was little and therefore I have more TIME to do things...it's not *expected*. I do definitely try to make DH's life easier; since I've been home, his career has really taken off...he can focus on work instead of *everything else*, and that's good. I take care of the money, etc etc, and that works well. But DS is still my job, and everything else is negotiable.

Golf, however, wouldn't be negotiable. Talk about a time and money suck! And DH would wonder how your hubby can stand to take those hours away from his baby...DH certainly couldn't when DS was tiny! (and only goes away now for work)

Completely agree with all of this. When I became a stay at home mom 13 years ago, after about six months I had to have what became known as "The Talk" amongst all us new SAHMs (because so many of us went through exactly what you are talking about and had to sit our husbands down).

Prior to having kids, three jobs existed in our world - mine outside the home, his outside the home, and OURS inside the home. When I had my first son, I swapped one job for another - from working in an office to taking care of our son - not one for two jobs. I had to remind my husband that he still had his share of job three - that it wasn't right that my whole world had changed and his had not only not changed an iota, but had actually gotten easier.

Now, I also must say that if you did the two jobs prior to the baby, then it will be much harder to get him to take over part of it, but you do need to get him to pitch in. You can carve out al the me time you want, but that doesn't get the laundry done or food made.

I also must say that it DOES get easier (unless you have another one, in which case it gets exponentially harder for a while before it gets easier), but you are looking at a few years before it is easier.

 

[pooh4evr]

Well- I too am a SAHM- for 7 years now to 3 girls- and I also do most everything here DH tries to do yard work but he is usually too busy with work- so yard work is mine most of the time too - I guess I have just gotten used to it for the most part- I guess if I was still working out of the home things might be different, but I figure if I am here it is my job, his job is to make sure we can afford our life. Althought sometimes I think it is a secret plot- when he "tries" to clean something it is not done very well so I have to redo it - I may as well do it the 1st time!

 

[jodifla]

Hi DIS friends!

So, this past January, DH and I both decided that I would become a full time SAHM of our now 18 month old DD. Prior to that I had been working out of the house for 2 days and at home for 3 days each week. However, now I'm home with DD 24/7 and am feeling a lot of stress.

It seems like all of the responsibilites have fallen on my shoulders a lot lately and DH seems like his life hasn't changed much since DD was born. Not only am I to take care of DD all day but also both dogs (and some days they seem worse than DD), the house, laundry, cooking, shopping, bills, etc... I never seem to get time to myself and when I bring it up to DH he acts like I'm the one not 'willing' to do anything for myself. When would I have time to? Inbetween his work schedule and his new found golf addiction, I'm not really sure where that time would be? Then, if I do take some time to do something (of course that doesn't cost a lot of money because we're trying to pay bills down), he seems annoyed when I get home.

DD is a good sleeper too. She goes to bed around 7 pm and gets up around 7 am. Again, I'm the one that gets up with her EVERY DAY (even weekends) while DH usually sleeps in -- must be nice, right?! He usually leaves for work between 8:30 - 9:00 am so that means I've been up with DD at least 1.5 - 2 hours already.

Don't get me wrong, DH is a GREAT dad and loves DD more than life itself. However, this routine is getting real old, real fast! I'm losing my calmness with DD during the day but it's because I'm so angry with DH.

I've tried talking to him and it does get better for a little bit, but then it always goes back to the same old thing. I know I'm not going to change him but was wondering if this is what all SAHM's go through?? Is this what my life will be like now?? I love my DD more than anything, but sometimes mommy needs a break!!! I've never not worked -- I've worked since I was 15 (now in my 30's) so this is totally new for me.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to vent a little. We live about 500 miles from our families too which doesn't help.

Thanks for listening!!

Sounds to me like your DH wasn't really on board with having a child and/or having a SAHM.

The sudden interest in golf is really a telltale sign to me.

 

[disneycruising]

First off...

I have 4 children, 16, 14, 12 & 10. I have been a SAHM for almost 17 years. I would not want to do any thing else. I want to be the person... to see all of their firsts. I want to be here when they get home from school and have a snack ready. But at the same time, there are days when I want to run away and never come back.

When my Dh and I got married I move 2.5 hours from my family. It was really hard! But, if I truely needed them...they were there. A few years later we moved a good 10 hour drive away. This was really hard on me and my marriage. I had 2 little kids and knew NO ONE. I eventually made friends with some neighbors...this made a huge difference, I didn't feel so alone.

I also felt better if I got out of the house ALONE. I would usually made Saturday'mommy's day'... to do what ever I wanted. I would go shopping, hang out at the book store, get my hair done, etc. This really helped! I told my DH he could only call if it is an emergency. My kids are all in school now...so I get alot more "free time".

As far as sleeping in, we had a rule that I would get up with them on Saturday and DH would get up with them on Sunday. Neither of us was allowed to sleep past 10am. At 10 am...I would send the kids in to get daddy up.

Saturday night is "date night" for my DH and I. For many years we could not afford to go out...so we would put our kids to bed and have our "date". We would either cook "adult" dinner, order take out, or make a special dessert. We would then watch a movie, play a game or go in the hot tub. It truely didn't matter what it was...it was about spending time together. We still do this 17 years later. But know we get to actually go "out" & leave the kids at home.

When my kids were really little, 4 kids under 7. I would hired someone to come clean, once a month to clean. : I felt better knowing that at least once a months everything would get clean. I was willing to give up alot of "extras" to have this one item.


I think you need to sit down with your DH and 'renegotiate your roles' in the house. Just because you are home full time doesn't mean you have anymore time on our hands then before. Keeping up with a child is a full time job...all by itself. If it was me I would make a list of everything that needs to get done and talk about who is going to do it.

 

[kkmcan]

I have been in all those positions and each has its positives and negatives and own stresses. First I was a new wife who worked full time as a teacher. I did all the home chores because that's what I thought good wives did. I was exhausted. Dh worked 3 jobs- full time teacher, after school coach and waited tables on the weekend at a mexican food restaurant. He was exhausted. I don't know how we survived those years.

Then, we had a child and I worked and took care of bathed, fed, diapered and got up in the night with our new baby. Dh decided to change careers and worked his teaching job full time while spending the weekends in the fire academy. After graduating he worked 2 weekends a month as a reserve firefighter until he got his current fulltime ff position.

Our second child was born and I decided to stay at home and gave up my teaching job. I wanted to allow dh to focus on his career so he didn't have responsibility for any chores other than occasional yard work, car repairs etc. This also allowed him to pick up any overtime shifts which helped our income tremendously and his career grew.

Now, after 9 years, I've taken a part time job outside the home and still do all the chores, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Dh will help with laundry, cleaning out dishwasher etc if he's home and I'm not. He has a paid position with the firefighters union so it's like his second job and he's not home much.

So many years I thought I'd never make it. A soon as dh got home I would hit the door and head for the car. Some days I didn't even know where I was going. I just had to get out for a couple of hours. He didn't mind. He knew how hard it was just being home with the kids for a few hours. I was exhausted, worn down, with no patience left, no time for myself etc. And now, I miss my stay at home days. It's all hard- no matter how you slice it. There's never gonna be enough time in the day. This too shall pass and you will miss it when your kids are older and your life has changed again.

I have a middle schooler now and have had a hard time adjusting to that. Our schedules are different. We get up at 5:30 M-F. Elementary didn't start until 9:00 and now middle school starts at 7:20. My whole is different and I know it will change again in another 2 years when she's off to high school and driving. How in the world will I handle that?

I notice that i feel better and happier if I take a 20-30 minute walk several times a week, I call someone and reach out, and I plan for outings etc whether it be for my family or just myself. It gives me something to look forward to. Lately I've been planning Disney movie nights and we look forward to it and I get to shop/plan for it.



Good luck and remember it won't last forever. Cleaning and chores need to get done but don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Carve out a few hours a week for yourself and enjoy your little one!

 

[Aristomommy]

When both of my children were little, I chose to be a SAHM. DH traveled often, so most of the household chores were mine to deal with. It was hard to see him come home to "me time" and my work continued into the night. After some discussions and negotiations, we figured out a healthy balance.

While I enjoyed being at home, my brain needed some adult stimulation. Going back to work for two 4 hour shifts was a welcomed break. I called it my "paid vacation" and it felt good to be Jen the therapist vs. so-and-so's mom. So even though I was sure I wouldn't work for a long time, I really missed that environment. It doesn't make you a bad mom to want adult conversation and focus on yourself for a while. There are mother's clubs, book clubs at the library, exercise groups that offer babysitting at the same time. This way the time isn't taken away from your family time with DH. Also, it's good to think that you are fortunate to stay at home with your child. Many moms would love the chance that we both did. I know thinking of this helped me during those "bad days".

 

[tessa67]

It could always be worse...single mom's work all day and do everything that falls to SAHMs...and usually, more. I don't mean to seem unsympathetic, but I think you got the good end of the deal.

I finally got some "me" time when my younger son turned 6 or so and the boys began to entertain themselves for good stretches of time.

"Me time" is a concept that is new...and I think...largely impractical for parents of young children. The good news is, they grow up.

Hang in there!

I don't agree. I left my DH when his behavior was similiar to the OPs DH, but my daughter was a preemie and DH wanted NOTHING to do with her. He even told me he hated her and me and that is when I decided to leave.
So now instead of having to take care of DD and a full grown baby, I am a single mom to my sweet DD. It is heaven! It is me and her and we do what we want. No more lump sitting on the couch or playing video games to wee hours. No more walking on eggshells and trying to feel out his mood when he gets home. Ahhhhh.

But of course now that she is all cute and doesn't require getting up three or four times a night he likes to take her once a month, you know it is a good way to meet women.

 

[Baloosgirl23]

Thanks again for everyone's responses -- they are so helpful! I love being home with DD. It's really been a blessing and I get to see her grow up right in front of me. It's just a lot to deal with some days and a good vent session was in order for me.

DH is not a bad guy at all. We've been together for 15 years, married for 5 (high school sweethearts!) so I knew what he was like before we got married. He's always encouraged me to do my own thing but there are some nights after DD goes to bed that I'm just too tired to move. Then there are those mornings that I just want to sleep in or watch a little TV and not be mommy at that exact moment, but I can't because DD is calling for me and needs to have breakfast. This is what frustrates me. DH is more than capable of taking care of DD and is great at it, but it seems like I need to 'ask' him to do these things. I just want him to do it without having to ask him to.

I am going to talk to DH about getting up with DD on certain days. I think that will help some of my stress too. Thanks so much for all of the suggestions. You guys are the BEST!!!

 

[mrskchris]

Moms have it so hard whether we are working or staying at home. We never seem to get a break. I have been a SAHM for eight years, and I have some days when i feel like getting in my car and just driving as far away as possible. I am in school now because I have to have something for myself because my only focus has been everyone else.

Though I complain, I am glad to be home. My husband has had a chance to see what I go through since he's been laid-off for two months. He starts working again in May, and he says he will definitely just spending"chill" time with the kids during the day.

It will get better, but as with most things about, our husbands do not understand how hard it is to do the job we do. Hang in there!

 

[bwilcox]

My husband is great at helping me out when I ask. I try to do most of the household chores since I'm at home all day and he's working, but every day as soon as he gets home from work, I'm out the door for a 30 minute walk. It gives him a chance to talk to the kids after being gone all day, and me a chance to relax and walk off stress. From the time he gets home from work, we're a team, sharing the responsibilities-cooking dinner, dishes, putting the kids in bed. Yes he worked all day, but so did I (I just didn't get paid)! We take turns sleeping late on the weekends-one of us will get up with the kids on Sat. and the other on Sun. That seems only fair to me.
Something has to change in your situation. If you continue to feel so stressed, you will begin to resent your husband, and eventually the kids.

 

[Halbleib1]

Being a stay at home parent is a full time job I think even more so than working outside the home. A stay at home parents job never ends. There is no time clock. I think it is only fair that your husband should help out when he is at home. Esp. on the weekends. Don't you deserve a break just as much as he does?

I am a stay at home mom myself and my husband helps out a lot when he is at home. Esp. on weekends. I do not think there is anything wrong with you asking your husband for some help.

 

[Halbleib1]

Thanks again for everyone's responses -- they are so helpful! I love being home with DD. It's really been a blessing and I get to see her grow up right in front of me. It's just a lot to deal with some days and a good vent session was in order for me.

DH is not a bad guy at all. We've been together for 15 years, married for 5 (high school sweethearts!) so I knew what he was like before we got married. He's always encouraged me to do my own thing but there are some nights after DD goes to bed that I'm just too tired to move. Then there are those mornings that I just want to sleep in or watch a little TV and not be mommy at that exact moment, but I can't because DD is calling for me and needs to have breakfast. This is what frustrates me. DH is more than capable of taking care of DD and is great at it, but it seems like I need to 'ask' him to do these things. I just want him to do it without having to ask him to.

I am going to talk to DH about getting up with DD on certain days. I think that will help some of my stress too. Thanks so much for all of the suggestions. You guys are the BEST!!!

I think most of us here would like our husbands to just jump in and help without being asked but I think most of the time we have to ask because they are not sure what they should be doing. My husband tells me all the time he is not a mind reader that all I have to do is ask. And once I ask he is great about helping out.

 

[squirrel]

Do you have free programs down there for parents and children to go to?

In our community, we have Family Place and Strong Start. Family Place is for children from birth to age 6 and the parents/caregivers watch their children play. They have art and storytime. Strong Start is a program (drop in) that is set up like a pre-school but the parent/caregiver stays. They have art, gym, and storytime.

Our library also does storytime for the children at least once a week.

Get out of the house even if you take your daughter. You need to find some time for yourself too, but even meeting other parents and being able to talk to another adult helps.

 

[powellrj]

I think most of us here would like our husbands to just jump in and help without being asked but I think most of the time we have to ask because they are not sure what they should be doing. My husband tells me all the time he is not a mind reader that all I have to do is ask. And once I ask he is great about helping out.

I agree, just ask him and don't expect him to know what you want him to do.

DH and I both worked full-time when the kids were little and I once told him how much I would love it if he did bath time at night. He had no idea how much I dreaded it until I mentioned it and he was glad to take over. Guys aren't mind readers and they don't think like we do, so most times all you have to do is ask nicely. It doesn't make them bad guys if they don't automatically know what we want them to do.

 

[Baloosgirl23]

Thanks all!

DH and I had the "talk" last night. It went well and things are hopefully going to be better from here on out. I told him how stressed I've been feeling and what I meant by stressed and he was great about it. He thinks it's very important for me to have some time to do whatever I want and has said he's more than happy to take care of DD while I'm away. We talked about helping around the house and the weekend schedule too. Things are looking better and I'm feeling a little less stress today so that's a good start!

AND................He also got up with DD today! Which is so funny because I haven't been able to sleep in today, I think I was in shock

DH's parents are coming this weekend for a visit so that should help too. We'll see how things go for the next few days and next week.

We also talked about how we need some 'us' time too. We're going to make a big effort to make sure we're noticing each other more and not just going through the motions of being parents. I think that was beginning to happen and it wasn't good for us. We're both going to think about how we can spend some quality 'adult couple' time together and at least have 1 night just for us. No TV, computers (including DIS..., ha ha ha!) or any other distraction. We have a lot of board games and a full wine fridge so that should get us started, I'm pretty excited about it and he seems to be too.

It was really nice being able to finally say those things to DH last night. I really feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (at least for now).

Thanks again everyone!!

 

[Andrea73]

Yeah, it can suck sometimes, but there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....it's called Preschool or Mom's Morning Out!!!

I have been a SAHM for over 8 years. My youngest is now 4. I start preschool when they are 2 years old for two mornings a week. It is heavenly to have a break. I always set aside one morning for me. No errands, no PTA, no meetings, nothing! (I am now in the PTA chapter of my life and as president, I can put lots of time into it)

Now that my youngest is 4, she goes 4 mornings a week. Next year it will be 5 mornings!!

Just know that it does get better!! Make good use of nap time and the evenings after she goes to bed.