ksoehrlein
Once (and Future?) CM
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2003
- Messages
- 2,095
We had a serious scare in our family this weekend, but before you read further, keep in mind that everything is OK now. I believe this may have happened for a reason, so I want to share our story with other families in an effort to boost awareness of this kind of thing. It's not a pleasant topic at all, but if this post prevents a similar situation for another family, it is well worth any squeamishness I may have caused. And please, if you don't think you want to read any further, please hit your back button and do not respond to the post. (Moderators, if you think this belongs somewhere else, please move it.)
Sunday afternoon, our daughter returned from playing with the neighbors' children in tears. She said it was because she couldn't find her shoes. She was not wearing the clothes she had on when she left our house, but rather the neighbor girl's fairy costume. Ten minutes later, she started crying again and mentioned a boo-boo in her private area. The words she used to tell how me how the boo-boo got there and the fact that I saw some redness concerned me enough to call 911.
The police came to our house as well as the paramedics. A female officer took her statement, in which she used the exact same words she had used with me. I filled out a written statement while a female paramedic gave my daughter a quick visual exam which showed only mild redness. They instructed us to take her to the Children's Hospital ER for further examination. Among the many things I am thankful for is the fact that she fell asleep before we were even called back from the waiting room, and she remained asleep for the in-depth physical exam by a SANE nurse specially trained to do sexual assault examinations with a culposcope. The findings were similar to those in many such cases: "Inconclusive but consistent with the child's statement."
We were instructed to go to our local DHR office the next day. They took another statement from me and set up an interview for our daughter at a "house" where they specialize in this kind of situation. She was interviewed by her case worker in a video-monitored "playroom" while my husband and I waited in the "living room."
When they came out and the case worker called us back, however, is when the weight of the world was lifted off of us. Upon gentle, direct questioning by a trained professional, it was revealed that when our daughter said "xxx's daddy was jumping us," it meant that he was making the trampoline bounce while the children were on it. At her age, she just doesn't have a more accurate term to describe that action in her vocabulary, and has no idea that there is an "adult" meaning to that phrase. When she said that he "made" her touch herself and hurt herself there, it didn't mean that he had used any kind of coercion, but rather that her bumping of that area (against her hand, I guess?) was the result of his bouncing of the trampoline. Just in case this statement was the result of coaching, however, we were told to return to the "house" for another interview tomorrow. Our daughter is actually looking forward to it and was highly disappointed when she overheard me say that I hoped there was NEVER another reason for us to go back to the "house." (I guess we will be going back there to volunteer and make donations, however, as I now have a charity that is VERY near and dear to my heart.)
Please, please, please don't read this post and think of ways that our family must be different than yours and that this kind of abuse could never happen to your child. We already share a common love for Disney; there may be more similarities than you'd want to admit.
In the past 2 days, I have learned that this affects all socioecomic classes. We happen to live in an middle- to upper-middle-class neighborhood.
It affects people of all races, but abusers tend to abuse children of the same race. We happen to be Caucasian, as is the man we suspected (incorrectly).
We aren't careless parents who don't watch our children; we simply allowed her to play with the neighbors (a 7-year-old girl, her female cousin, and her 4-year-old brother as well as another neighbor boy). I'm sure many other parents allow their kids to play with neighborhood children who are close to them in age.
Abuse can happen anywhere, at any time. It was daytime, we were home (just next door), but there were times that afternoon when we could not see our child from our kitchen window. The opportunity would have been there. Also, oftentimes, the abuse starts out gradually and then escalates so as to not trigger the child that the behavior is inappropriate. We called 911 even though "all" our daughter said was "made me touch." That is still molestation and still VERY wrong.
The perpetrators do not have a certain "look" about them; they look like moms, dads, "regular" people. Stranger danger is real (and I know we've all discussed the dangers of WDW restrooms here at some length), but it is exponentially more likely that a child will be harmed by someone known to that child and trusted by that child's family; a relative, family friend, babysitter, etc. The perpetrator's MO is often to build up trust first, so the stranger who's "creepy looking" might not be the one you need to watch out for.
Most heartbreaking of all, it does not happen to only a few unfortunate children. In one of the brochures I received at the "house," I learned that one out of every four girls and one out of every eight boys under age 18 are victims of some sort of sexual abuse. The "other girls it happens to" make up 25% of the population, and it happens to 12.5% of boys (who are often overlooked). I hope and pray that the odds remain in favor of those who are untouched by this horror, and my heart aches for the huge numbers of those who have not been as lucky. I can now, much better than ever before, slightly begin to understand the unique grief this can cause a parent. And for those of you reading this who have experienced this type of pain in the past, I am so sorry if I have opened any old wounds. My intent is to prevent anyone else from experiencing the agony you have been through.
In summary, there are several areas in which I failed my child, and I am so relieved and thankful that she did not pay the price I had imagined she did. At a relatively young age, we allowed her out of our sight with neighbors we do not know extremely well. We thought that any danger was negated by the presence of 2 adult women and several other children in addition to an adult male, but now realize that if someone was determined enough to cause her harm, the opportunity could have been created. We are, unfortunately, well educated in this area (my best friend is a social worker), and somehow grew lax in our vigilance despite that. I guess we thought our knowledge would somehow protect us. We have had conversations with her about being the boss of her own body and I think we went over "the bathing suit rule" about where it's OK to be touched, but didn't want to scare her with the specifics of what those rules actually meant. I thought the message stuck, but could not be 100% certain. In fact, part of the hurt and betrayal I felt when I thought she had been abused was that my gentle messages had been overruled by whatever the "perpetrator" had told her.
Please don't reply to this thread to criticize my parenting skills -- I've done that enough to myself these past 2 days and I doubt you could say anything harsher than I've already told myself.
I am, however, very thankful that we had the knowledge we had. The first thing we did right was to believe her statement, not pry for more information, and not lead her to believe she had done something wrong. Yes, I know in hindsight that doubt and further questioning may have eliminated the rest of our worries immediately had we been able to get the accurate information from her at that point. However, she had in fact been hurt (albeit very mildly) and it would have taken very pointed questions asked with the right level of finesse to get the necessary information to clarify the circumstances of the accident without scaring her. Our questioning could have led to her giving us either the answers she was coached by a perpetrator to give or those she thought we would want to hear. That in turn could have led us to not do anything and to allow the abuse, had there been any, to continue.
We tried our best to maintain normalcy immediately after she told us, aside from giving her extra hugs and reassurance. Although I was on the phone with 911 and was told not to hang up until the police and paramedics arrived, my husband calmly prepared her dinner. He did NOT run over there to confront or try to kill the alleged perpetrator. This does not mean he doesn't love her enough to want revenge; on the contrary, he knew he needed to stay calm and rational for her sake, and not do anything that would jepordize our family any further. My social worker friend would tell parents to imagine how the child victim would feel if a parent was jailed (or worse) as a result of their reaction to the crime.
We contacted the authorities immediately, did not give her a bath, and left her panties on, just in case there was more to the story than what she had disclosed. We knew the physical exam and the forensic exam, if warranted, would require this. Ideally, she would not have used the restroom until she was at the hospital, but she did that before she disclosed the incident. I was horrified to learn that they wanted a urine sample to test for chlamydia and gonorrhea; STDs had not even occurred to me.
We used only the word she had used ("boo-boo") to refer to the whole incident and in her presence acted as if it were just a "normal" boo-boo. (Thank God, it turns out that it was and she was never unduly alarmed about it). We told her the police and paramedics were coming to talk to her about her boo-boo while they were en route, so she was prepared for their arrival and ready to talk to the "Higglytown Heroes," as we called them.
Finally, we are now painfully more aware of the need to go over safety rules on an ongoing basis. Obviously, we are setting up new ground rules for her play time with the neighbors as well. We still don't want to scare her, but I'm trying to create "what if?" scenarios and then helping her decide what she should do. The stranger offering her candy to take a ride in his car will not be our main focus, but I'm sure it will come up, too. It's an icky subject and not one I want to talk about with her when we'd both rather discuss princesses and unicorns. I truly wish we didn't have to. But as the "house" brochure states, "To continue to 'hope' our children will not need to know about this is allowing them to be caught unaware."
Please make sure your children cannot be caught unaware. If you think you've told them everything, tell them again. You cannot be too careful; your children cannot be too safe.
Sunday afternoon, our daughter returned from playing with the neighbors' children in tears. She said it was because she couldn't find her shoes. She was not wearing the clothes she had on when she left our house, but rather the neighbor girl's fairy costume. Ten minutes later, she started crying again and mentioned a boo-boo in her private area. The words she used to tell how me how the boo-boo got there and the fact that I saw some redness concerned me enough to call 911.
The police came to our house as well as the paramedics. A female officer took her statement, in which she used the exact same words she had used with me. I filled out a written statement while a female paramedic gave my daughter a quick visual exam which showed only mild redness. They instructed us to take her to the Children's Hospital ER for further examination. Among the many things I am thankful for is the fact that she fell asleep before we were even called back from the waiting room, and she remained asleep for the in-depth physical exam by a SANE nurse specially trained to do sexual assault examinations with a culposcope. The findings were similar to those in many such cases: "Inconclusive but consistent with the child's statement."
We were instructed to go to our local DHR office the next day. They took another statement from me and set up an interview for our daughter at a "house" where they specialize in this kind of situation. She was interviewed by her case worker in a video-monitored "playroom" while my husband and I waited in the "living room."
When they came out and the case worker called us back, however, is when the weight of the world was lifted off of us. Upon gentle, direct questioning by a trained professional, it was revealed that when our daughter said "xxx's daddy was jumping us," it meant that he was making the trampoline bounce while the children were on it. At her age, she just doesn't have a more accurate term to describe that action in her vocabulary, and has no idea that there is an "adult" meaning to that phrase. When she said that he "made" her touch herself and hurt herself there, it didn't mean that he had used any kind of coercion, but rather that her bumping of that area (against her hand, I guess?) was the result of his bouncing of the trampoline. Just in case this statement was the result of coaching, however, we were told to return to the "house" for another interview tomorrow. Our daughter is actually looking forward to it and was highly disappointed when she overheard me say that I hoped there was NEVER another reason for us to go back to the "house." (I guess we will be going back there to volunteer and make donations, however, as I now have a charity that is VERY near and dear to my heart.)
Please, please, please don't read this post and think of ways that our family must be different than yours and that this kind of abuse could never happen to your child. We already share a common love for Disney; there may be more similarities than you'd want to admit.
In the past 2 days, I have learned that this affects all socioecomic classes. We happen to live in an middle- to upper-middle-class neighborhood.
It affects people of all races, but abusers tend to abuse children of the same race. We happen to be Caucasian, as is the man we suspected (incorrectly).
We aren't careless parents who don't watch our children; we simply allowed her to play with the neighbors (a 7-year-old girl, her female cousin, and her 4-year-old brother as well as another neighbor boy). I'm sure many other parents allow their kids to play with neighborhood children who are close to them in age.
Abuse can happen anywhere, at any time. It was daytime, we were home (just next door), but there were times that afternoon when we could not see our child from our kitchen window. The opportunity would have been there. Also, oftentimes, the abuse starts out gradually and then escalates so as to not trigger the child that the behavior is inappropriate. We called 911 even though "all" our daughter said was "made me touch." That is still molestation and still VERY wrong.
The perpetrators do not have a certain "look" about them; they look like moms, dads, "regular" people. Stranger danger is real (and I know we've all discussed the dangers of WDW restrooms here at some length), but it is exponentially more likely that a child will be harmed by someone known to that child and trusted by that child's family; a relative, family friend, babysitter, etc. The perpetrator's MO is often to build up trust first, so the stranger who's "creepy looking" might not be the one you need to watch out for.
Most heartbreaking of all, it does not happen to only a few unfortunate children. In one of the brochures I received at the "house," I learned that one out of every four girls and one out of every eight boys under age 18 are victims of some sort of sexual abuse. The "other girls it happens to" make up 25% of the population, and it happens to 12.5% of boys (who are often overlooked). I hope and pray that the odds remain in favor of those who are untouched by this horror, and my heart aches for the huge numbers of those who have not been as lucky. I can now, much better than ever before, slightly begin to understand the unique grief this can cause a parent. And for those of you reading this who have experienced this type of pain in the past, I am so sorry if I have opened any old wounds. My intent is to prevent anyone else from experiencing the agony you have been through.
In summary, there are several areas in which I failed my child, and I am so relieved and thankful that she did not pay the price I had imagined she did. At a relatively young age, we allowed her out of our sight with neighbors we do not know extremely well. We thought that any danger was negated by the presence of 2 adult women and several other children in addition to an adult male, but now realize that if someone was determined enough to cause her harm, the opportunity could have been created. We are, unfortunately, well educated in this area (my best friend is a social worker), and somehow grew lax in our vigilance despite that. I guess we thought our knowledge would somehow protect us. We have had conversations with her about being the boss of her own body and I think we went over "the bathing suit rule" about where it's OK to be touched, but didn't want to scare her with the specifics of what those rules actually meant. I thought the message stuck, but could not be 100% certain. In fact, part of the hurt and betrayal I felt when I thought she had been abused was that my gentle messages had been overruled by whatever the "perpetrator" had told her.
Please don't reply to this thread to criticize my parenting skills -- I've done that enough to myself these past 2 days and I doubt you could say anything harsher than I've already told myself.
I am, however, very thankful that we had the knowledge we had. The first thing we did right was to believe her statement, not pry for more information, and not lead her to believe she had done something wrong. Yes, I know in hindsight that doubt and further questioning may have eliminated the rest of our worries immediately had we been able to get the accurate information from her at that point. However, she had in fact been hurt (albeit very mildly) and it would have taken very pointed questions asked with the right level of finesse to get the necessary information to clarify the circumstances of the accident without scaring her. Our questioning could have led to her giving us either the answers she was coached by a perpetrator to give or those she thought we would want to hear. That in turn could have led us to not do anything and to allow the abuse, had there been any, to continue.
We tried our best to maintain normalcy immediately after she told us, aside from giving her extra hugs and reassurance. Although I was on the phone with 911 and was told not to hang up until the police and paramedics arrived, my husband calmly prepared her dinner. He did NOT run over there to confront or try to kill the alleged perpetrator. This does not mean he doesn't love her enough to want revenge; on the contrary, he knew he needed to stay calm and rational for her sake, and not do anything that would jepordize our family any further. My social worker friend would tell parents to imagine how the child victim would feel if a parent was jailed (or worse) as a result of their reaction to the crime.
We contacted the authorities immediately, did not give her a bath, and left her panties on, just in case there was more to the story than what she had disclosed. We knew the physical exam and the forensic exam, if warranted, would require this. Ideally, she would not have used the restroom until she was at the hospital, but she did that before she disclosed the incident. I was horrified to learn that they wanted a urine sample to test for chlamydia and gonorrhea; STDs had not even occurred to me.
We used only the word she had used ("boo-boo") to refer to the whole incident and in her presence acted as if it were just a "normal" boo-boo. (Thank God, it turns out that it was and she was never unduly alarmed about it). We told her the police and paramedics were coming to talk to her about her boo-boo while they were en route, so she was prepared for their arrival and ready to talk to the "Higglytown Heroes," as we called them.
Finally, we are now painfully more aware of the need to go over safety rules on an ongoing basis. Obviously, we are setting up new ground rules for her play time with the neighbors as well. We still don't want to scare her, but I'm trying to create "what if?" scenarios and then helping her decide what she should do. The stranger offering her candy to take a ride in his car will not be our main focus, but I'm sure it will come up, too. It's an icky subject and not one I want to talk about with her when we'd both rather discuss princesses and unicorns. I truly wish we didn't have to. But as the "house" brochure states, "To continue to 'hope' our children will not need to know about this is allowing them to be caught unaware."
Please make sure your children cannot be caught unaware. If you think you've told them everything, tell them again. You cannot be too careful; your children cannot be too safe.
