OT: Question about hubby *update on post 70*

[daleswife]

We've been married for 10 years. And yes this is a rather new problem. The friends are old friends he hasn't been around for a long time. He knows our financial situation, but he does things anyways. As far as going golfing every saturday, no its not ok cause when he gets home he complains he is too tired to do anything with me or to watch the kids so I can go do something. And I go to church every sunday with my kids and he wont go with me. so no I dont really have time on sunday for myself either. Heck, he's even off every other friday and hes always doing something and not being with us.

SK!Mom Yes this is a new problem. We lived in NC and didnt have many friends before we moved here. We grew up here so all our old friends are here and he wants to go out with them all the time. When my friends call, I have to tell them no cause hes tired or hes gone. We spent just about every weekend together in NC. Im use to having him around. I know I cant have him every weekend, but dang, twice a month would be nice....

Had a discussion today with him on the way to get my kids. didnt get anywhere. really didnt get much accompolished. This is just something that I dont need to be stressed about right now. Im still healing and the thought that he even WANTS to go somewhere instead of helping me out just pisses me off. Sounds selfish dont it.... Maybe I just want him to be with ME and want some attention from him. Just seems like an on going battle......

 

[mickeyluvr004]

How about you put a few dates on the calendar just for you. Movie, lunch with a friend, shopping or just taking a walk (once you are up and about again). If he gets to go have fun, you do too. Some time out of house doing something just for you will make you feel better. He stays home and spends some one on one time with the kids.

My husband hunts on Saturdays during season. On Sunday I go to a movie. He goes to play poker on Friday night, the next Sat afternoon I have lunch with the girls. Otherwise the resentment just builds. This way we each have alittle time to unwind. We also do make time for family activities.

ITA my DH also hunts during hunting season and he enjoys his time out and about going to his friends house and staying for a week (2hour drive) but on the off season he is basically throwing me out of the house and if I can't find some one to go out with he says well I will drive you (to go play Bingo) I don't like to drive at night by myself. He doesn't know how to clean a house but does know how to cook and make a HUGE mess but we get equal time away, and I guess I can't argue with that right

 

[bellebuzzntink]

My heart goes out to you right now. I don't have any advice that others haven't already given. I'm saying a prayer for you that he realizes sooner than later that he's being a j*****s and needs to do the right thing for his family. In the meantime, stay strong like you have been.

 

[daleswife]

So I told him tonight, He can do what ever he wants, but if he decides hes going out with the guys every weekend then Im cancelling his part of the Disney trip and he can use his part to play and while we are gone he can stay home. I dont think its fair that he get to do both. Is that a stupid ultimatum????

 

[Cinderella94]

So I told him tonight, He can do what ever he wants, but if he decides hes going out with the guys every weekend then Im cancelling his part of the Disney trip and he can use his part to play and while we are gone he can stay home. I dont think its fair that he get to do both. Is that a stupid ultimatum????

Absolutely not.

 

[sk!mom]

So I told him tonight, He can do what ever he wants, but if he decides hes going out with the guys every weekend then Im cancelling his part of the Disney trip and he can use his part to play and while we are gone he can stay home. I dont think its fair that he get to do both. Is that a stupid ultimatum????

Yes.

If the two of you are unable to talk calmly to work out a relationship that makes you both happy, then it's time to seek professional counseling.

 

[boltfans]

So I told him tonight, He can do what ever he wants, but if he decides hes going out with the guys every weekend then Im cancelling his part of the Disney trip and he can use his part to play and while we are gone he can stay home. I dont think its fair that he get to do both. Is that a stupid ultimatum????

I would say that it is a stupid ultimatum. Reason being, how are you going to enforce that? He's not going to stop golfing and such based on this 'threat' and when the time comes for the trip, then what? Your kids are going to ask why daddy is staying home and what do you tell them? And what if he decides to say "Mommy doesn't want me to come with you." I can't see that going well no matter how it plays out.

Honestly, I feel for you. My husband is very apathetic about family time too, but not cause he's going out anywhere, he just wants to sit home all the time. Now, we're all here too, but it gets old to constantly be in the house. And no way would it fly if I wanted to go out alone each weekend cause he does not want to watch both alone kids all day. But at the same time, he also doesn't go out and think I should be left to care for them myself either so it's tolerable.

Really, I would just say something like "Oh, wait, seems you can't go golfing Saturday cause I already have plans to go to lunch with my friends that day." When he complains and says he never gets to do anything you can suggest that you guys draft up a schedule for the month so he can be sure he gets his time and that you're getting yours too. You can offer him Sundays while you and the kids are at church to do his own thing, but definitely pencil in stuff for yourself for Saturdays. Even if you make up random activities and take the time to sit on a park bench, you deserve the time too.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Not to sound harsh but why doesn't he want to be home with his own children and wife? Why doesn't he want to take care of his wife who just had surgery? What is going on that he cannot be bothered with his home life at all? That would be my questions. Stop making ultimatums about trips etc. and get to the root of the problem. Seek counseling if you have to but there has to be a reason that he simply does not want to be with his family. Good luck.

 

[disneynewbee]

As a SAHM myself I know how hard your job is and I don't feel that just because his job brings home a paycheck that he deserves more of a break than you do. Seems to me he's going through some kind of midlife crisis or something. The longer this continues the more resentment you are going to have and it will slowly tear apart your relationship. You really need to nip it in the bud now. I would sit him down and tell him how it is. Let him know that he's a married man and that that means lots of spouse time, lots of kid time, and some alone time. Maybe counseling is in order but his behavior seems concerning. Especially leaving you and having so little regard for you when you were in pain. That is the most concerning to me. I just had my wisdom teeth removed and dh has been home taking care of me and the kids all wk. That is what you do for your spouse not run of with your friends like a little kid. I'm sure if he had surgery he would expect you to take care of him and I'm sure you would.

 

[daleswife]

I thank you all for the advise. Problem with councelling is that the closest councler is like 2 hours away from here, we cant afford it, and he wont do it. We live in a small town with two gas stations and no red lights or stop signs......

I do try to talk to him. Problem is he dont think he's doing anything that I should be so upset about. and that just makes it worse.

I wasn't just threatening his disney trip, I am very serious. If the kids ask why daddys not there, then I tell them the truth, Daddy spent his money on something else. and IF he says to them Mommy dont want me there, well then hes not lying to them either. I dont want to be miserable the whole trip.

Oh and I tried to make plans for us for friday, we were gonna go have a family lunch and take the kids to the park to play....but he said well...the guys want me to go fishing....I just dont get it. I know this is horrible, but right now, I really dont care what he does. thats just sad......

OT: boltfans: your siggy says you're due 2/10???? Hold off one day, my bday is 2/11!!!!!

 

[boltfans]

Neat birthday! I don't have an official date yet as my OB visit was cancelled, but yes, that's the approximate date according to my calculations.

I know you don't care if he goes, but you've gotta think about what it will mean for your kids if he says you don't want him there or you say he spent all his money on other stuff. I know my daughter (who is 5yo, so close to yours) would feel very hurt and probably not enjoy the trip as much. We've gone away with friends and not my husband and she's missed him, but knew he was working and we left on good terms. I can only imagine if my husband laid on a guilt trip (and in that case, he would, without a doubt in my mind). You don't want that hanging over your head the whole trip, thinking that you made your kids unhappy or whatever.

Regarding the lunch and his fishing trip, he can get out of that since you'll still be there to watch the kids. Plan something where you're not home, then be sure and leave before he has the chance to make sudden plans or whatever. I know it sounds insane, but I think if he sees that you're serious and need time just like he does, then working out a schedule might work out.

In our house we have a calendar posted in the kitchen. Any family plans I make go on there as soon as I know what/when. Any plans for myself (though that is very rare) also go on there as soon as I know. I write my husband's work schedule (he's overnight/late night several times a week) on there so I know when he has a commitment, and in the rare event he plans something, it has to be on the calendar or it runs the risk of not happening. I can't be a mind reader and know he's thinking about seeing a movie next Saturday so if I write something on the calendar then his date is wiped out. So maybe try that, and maybe if he sees that every weekend is penciled in with his stuff he'll see how selfish he's being. Actually, I would maybe go back a month or 2 and fill in the stuff he's already done to emphasize your point.


ETA: One other thing since you just had surgery. I have been super sick with this baby, like I was with my other pregnancies so it was expected. My husband was great with pregnancy #1, decent with #2, and pretty crappy with #3. He knew I'd be sick before we went into this, but seems to forget that simply doing dishes is near impossible when I am constantly nauseous or vomiting. It took about 2 weeks of me not doing anything from dishes to cleaning up toys to folding clothes (and not by choice, I just really couldn't do it) for him to start pitching in. He's still not thrilled about it, but he has noticed that it's not otherwise getting done so he's been a little more helpful. I am willing to bet that there are things you've been doing that are hard for you in the post-op period that your huband could help with. Maybe offer him some suggestions, saying you are taking longer to recover than you should because you've been doing too much. If he sees you really are just tired and worn out he might realize what his actions have been doing. Of course, he might just leave the house to self-destruct, but it's worth a try.

 

[phillmolly]

Dalesfan - It is a very tough situation that you are in. I do agree with everyone who has said that you need to have a very serious discussion with your DH.

My DH and I had a similar problem for years, my DH wanted to go out by himself and didn't want me to go with him and I would get upset because I felt like he didn't want to do anything with me (this was before our son was born). After many years of having the same fight it took us almost getting divorced to figure it out. Basicly my DH thought I didn't like any of his friends and that my being there kept him from being "himself" and relaxed. I told him he never gave me a chance to like any of his friends and that I am a very shy person. Once he gave me a chance to get know his buddies things are much better, I am even friends with a few of the other wives. It helps me relax about the time he does spend with the "guys" becasue I know them better and have seen for myself what kind of people they are. What works for us is that most weekends are family time, either all of us go out together or we stay in, and once a month or so he gets "time off". I am also a SAHM but I don't go out to often, my choice, but if I wanted to he wouldn't have a problem with it. Truth be told he would probally like it if I went out more.

I really hope that you and your DH can work things out. How long have you guys been back in NC? Maybe it is just the newness of being back with his old buddies and it will slow down??

 

[daleswife]

I really hope that you and your DH can work things out. How long have you guys been back in NC? Maybe it is just the newness of being back with his old buddies and it will slow down??

We dont live in NC, we live in WV. We grew up here and when I went off to college he moved with me. Ended up in NC and now 12 yrs later, we are back in WV. We've lived here for almost 2 yrs now. All these friends are the same ones he had when we left. and I do understand that its being back with the guys and he wants to do things cause he hasn't done things with them in forever, but still hes married and he has kids. Responsibility to his wife and his family. We should be first in his life and I feel like we take a distant last place. Like he thinks "well she's been there all day long with the kids, whats a few more hours??" Ya know what Im saying? I am gonna try again in the am to talk to him......say a prayer for me....

 

[SLK1]

Sounds to me like he's reliving the "good old days" with his buddies. Also sounds like you're now beating a dead horse. I do NOT subscribe to the whole "Dr. Laura" thinking to treat him like a king, submit to his every whim, and he'll want to stay home. That is garbage. He should want to be home because he is the father of those kids and it's a responsibility. Forget about being a husband and you needing time away - he needs to be home for his kids, period. Easier said than done, but I'd maybe pack a bag for him and tell him to go. He's only creating extra work for you and you don't need that...I also do not understand what is wrong with his parents, who left you home to cook and prepare for a cook-out when you were recovering from surgery??? Sorry, this whole situation makes me mad. Good luck!!!

 

[daleswife]

to be fair to my inlaws (who are great btw) they didnt know their son had left me to clean the house. They didnt find out until they got over here that i had to clean the house and I did all the cooking while they were gone. They thought that he had done the cleaning the night before. And let me tell you, they did lay into him about not helping me. They even came and got the kids for me on tuesday and today so I could rest.....But there is no excuse for him treating me that way.....

 

[SLK1]

to be fair to my inlaws (who are great btw) they didnt know their son had left me to clean the house. They didnt find out until they got over here that i had to clean the house and I did all the cooking while they were gone. They thought that he had done the cleaning the night before. And let me tell you, they did lay into him about not helping me. They even came and got the kids for me on tuesday and today so I could rest.....But there is no excuse for him treating me that way.....

Whew! Ok, that is better. I was thinking that if they accepted that kind of behavior from their son, there was no way in the world you were going to change him!!! Hang in there and be tough! Someone once said we wives should not be TOO nice to our husbands...that only invites them to take complete advantage of us. Be tough, be persistent, and do not be afraid to kick him to the curb!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

OP, I'm in a marriage somewhat similar to yours. My husband has no time for family, ever. Yes, our marriage is shot to hell, but not for lack of trying on my part. However, one person cannot maintain a marriage alone. I'm hoping, for your sake, that DH is just getting this all out of his system now because it's all new (being back home), and things will settle down in the future.

My biggest problem with this is, I know many, many instances in which the husband somewhat pushed for the family to move away (from her friends, family, etc.) and 80% of the time, it's because he has a girlfriend on the side. With the wife feeling trapped (by kids, no family, etc.) it gives him free reign to lead his double life. I'm NOT saying this is the case here, but you asked for opinions; just listing it as a possibility. This would hold true for his not caring about spending family money either. Just keep your eyes and ears open.

As for those who mentioned trips and explaining it to children, DD and I go on trips without my DH. Why? Because he's a drinker and after the last trip, which I paid for, I got sick and tired of having to find him at the pool bar every time we wanted to go somewhere. His idea of a vacation is sleeping until noon, then plopping his butt down on a bar stool and hanging out and making new friends. I DID NOT spend all that money to go to Disney to watch him drink. I can do that at home. When DD asked me why we were going without him, I tried to sugar coat it. And when she pushed, I told her. She's hurt because we can't all go on vacation together, but she also understands where I'm coming from. She's seen enough to know, even if she doesn't always want to admit it. I say go without him if you have to -- you might just have a better time. (Just wanted to add that DD is somewhat older -- she's 13 now, but we had this conversation 2 years ago).

I'm so sorry you're going through all this at once (move, surgery, DH acting up, single parenting, etc.) Good for you that to chose to talk this out with people who can give objective opinions, rather than to hold it all in. Hopefully your inlaws can provide some support for you, even if their son won't.

 

[DISNEYNV]

Sounds like he's trying to live like a single man instead of a family man. He needs to see the difference.[/QUOTE

My hubby became the going out type after baby number two came around. I know having kids is stressful and all plus throw in a FT job and all the household responsibilites, but what about OUR time? OUR fun or OUR relaxation time? When your DH becomes too distant or self centered when it comes to family time or your happiness as a wife AND mother it's time to talk. You need time to yourself and family time with your husband. It's important to the kids as well to see mom and dad interact together in a positive way. I am a SAHM and work outside the home two nights a week. I know what you are going through, but I don't believe th eguys do!!! My DH is a good guy, but he just isn't a family man. I think it takes a special kind of guy to really see what they have when they decide to bring children into their lives together. Some guys just can't handle it well. I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. My DH goes out without me and it is frustrating, especially when he can just up and go and you have to stay home with the kids. I value my free time at work and when I get to go to the gym! Men need to understand that SAHMs are working as well... For the good of their kids and family! We need breaks too

 

[Tink-aholic]

OP, you have asked for advice...so here is mine:

I think you should consider not being a SAHM anymore. You are college educated, so it may not be that difficult of a transition for you. The positives are plentiful -- it will help with the financial situation, you will get out of the house on a regular basis and have a "life" away from DH...and you will be able to support yourself should your marriage not withstand whatever this is that is going on. Whatever this is with your husband, it is much better to be proactive rather than reactive. Having your own job and bringing money into the family can be hugely rewarding and may also help your husband see you as more of a partner. And if you divorce, you may not have a choice and will have to take the first job that comes along.

I am sure you had many reasons for wanting to be home with your kids. But supporting yourself and your kids should be a priority, too. Besides, a great deal of children thrive in daycare (mine was in daycare from 4 weeks old and is now a well-adjusted, popular, straight-A high school student).

Either way, I wish you well. Living in disharmony at home can be a special kind of torture. I hope you get to the bottom of this soon.

Good luck.

 

[mrsmiller]

to the possibility that he might be doing something other than Just going out with friends, I know by personal experience ....I always thought he was out with friends but (in my case ) not so