OT parenting help

[4orm]

My 2.5 year old daughter hits and scratches. We are not a hitting family. When told that it hurts us she says she wants to hurt us.
Is this a case of the terrible 2s or do we have a sociopath?
So frustrated.

 

[Disney_1derland]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this....our kiddos can be so challenging. First, I want to say that I am by no means a professional and probably the best place to start is with her pediatrician. But, with 3 kiddos and a variety of our own frustrating experiences I will offer this: Sounds like maybe she is not able to get her frustrations out in a more appropriate way. Lashing out is often more immediately gratifying for them, especially when they are younger. She really only has her physical being and her voice to use to express her emotions at this age. I think that often when they are this little, words take a lot more effort when their emotions are high so they resort to physical acts.

Every child is so unique that I can't offer much more than support and a Hang in there

 

[JustRZ]

HALT- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. It's the source of many outbursts in our littles who have not yet learned how to communicate their needs. Also, watch for patterns of behavior and what she does before she hits so you can intervene before it escalates that far. I have found redirecting the violence to be helpful, too. When my kids were your little's age, I would tell them that they could not hit x person, but they can hit their teddy bear or the couch cushions. When that started to stick, we would pick one thing for them to vent their frustration toward, eventually teaching to use words to express feelings and that hands are for helping. Until they learn calming tools/words to express their feelings, though, it is very confusing for them to process those feelings. Hugs to you, it's a rough road.

 

[MSSANDRA]

A lot of 2 year olds hit. It's not ok and it's something you have to stop but it's not, it and of it's self, a sign of abnormal behavior. The fact that she can tell you she want to hurt you, just shows that she is quite verbal and quite bright. Two year old are all about control. They want it and will do what ever they can to obtain it. It's your job to not let her succeed.

Choose whatever method you are comfortable will and be consistent 100% of the time and you should be able to stop the behavior.

I recommend this one. If she hits, scratches, or whatever, pick her up and look her in the eyes. Simply say, " no....that hurts." Nothing else. Take her to a designated place and tell her she has to stay here 2 minutes. Now, you might have to put her back there 50 times in that 2 minutes, but you do it calmly and without saying another word. When she has SIT for 2 minutes. Calmly tell her that hurting other people is not ok. Let her get up and go about her play. You may do this many times before it stops but if you are consistent it should stop.

Good luck...that is a hard age.

 

[rainydayplay]

I have a friend whose son hit so hard, the child repeatedly bruised his mother. (And yes, we're talking about a toddler. I think he might be 5 now?) I think they did time outs and what not, but the behavior persisted. I think, at this point, he's grown out of it (she hasn't told me of any incidents in a long time.) I can also point out that he has always had moments of being a super sweet and generally awesome kid.

His issues might have come about more when he was tired and grumpy. Maybe identifying if there is a trigger to the behavior and trying to head it off before it can get to that point?

My own daughter is a little older, but since she was at least 4, when she just gets angry, I've sent her to her room. I tell her, "when you can calm down, you can come out." She would go to her room, cry herself out, then she could come out when she was calm. A lot of times, she would start playing, but, at the very least, when she calmed down, we could talk about what upset her.

Can't say it would help with a younger child, though.

 

[hsmamato2]

A lot of 2 year olds hit. It's not ok and it's something you have to stop but it's not, it and of it's self, a sign of abnormal behavior.
Choose whatever method you are comfortable will and be consistent 100% of the time and you should be able to stop the behavior.

I recommend this one. If she hits, scratches, or whatever, pick her up and look her in the eyes. Simply say, " no....that hurts." Nothing else. Take her to a designated place and tell her she has to stay here 2 minutes. Now, you might have to put her back there 50 times in that 2 minutes, but you do it calmly and without saying another word. When she has SIT for 2 minutes. Calmly tell her that hurting other people is not ok. Let her get up and go about her play. You may do this many times before it stops but if you are consistent it should stop.

Good luck...that is a hard age.

totally normal,and I agree with this 100% your dd is obviously old enough to understand you- if her behavior gets her no reaction,and a boring 2 minutes in a chair,it won't take long to stop. but be firm and consistent

 

[2girlsR2good]

I highly recommend 123 Magic. The author has a whole website and video series now too. Full disclosure--I read it but didn't use his system b/c I've been working with kids since I was a teen and I'm lucky enough (I know enough to know it's luck, not my parenting skills) to have two pretty easy to manage kids. However, I insisted my husband read it/use it because he got frustrated by some pretty typical behaviors and I've recommended it to several others who have told me how much it helped them.

I also like the Your X Year Old series by the founders of the Geselle Institute. I read all of these and still do--it's nice to know what's going on inside your child's head when he/she can't tell you "I'm learning how to tell the difference between my needs and wants and it's hard and makes me mad." You'll have to overlook some dated stuff because the books are older, but I do recommend them anyway.

 

[sixkristy6]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this....our kiddos can be so challenging. First, I want to say that I am by no means a professional and probably the best place to start is with her pediatrician. But, with 3 kiddos and a variety of our own frustrating experiences I will offer this: Sounds like maybe she is not able to get her frustrations out in a more appropriate way. Lashing out is often more immediately gratifying for them, especially when they are younger. She really only has her physical being and her voice to use to express her emotions at this age. I think that often when they are this little, words take a lot more effort when their emotions are high so they resort to physical acts.

Every child is so unique that I can't offer much more than support and a Hang in there

I completely agree! I am a therapist, and it is what I would tell a parent of a child that age (or one who acts like a toddler). DD (now almost 4) hit us when she was younger too (and still does on occasion). My response is a firm "No, we do not hit," and then she is put in time out for 3 minutes (one minute for each year old). When she is done in time out, I hold her and ask her why she was in time out. She will tell me, and I make her look me in the eyes when she says it. Then I tell her I love her very much and it makes me sad when she hits me. She says she is sorry (most times) and we hug.

If she did something like threw a toy at me, I would take the toy away for a short period of time. if I tell DD in the middle of her tantrum that it's naughty to hit me because it hurts, she will likely tell me she does not care. Continue to set firm limits and consequence her for breaking rules, however you do it in your family.

As DD gets older, she has stopped hitting and will just scream that I "made her mad."

Good luck!!

 

[clm10308]

I agree with everyone else. This sounds like typical behavior. It is kind of like when a young child says " I hate you" to mom and dad. They don't really mean it, but it is the worst thing that they can think of to say.

I also had challenging pre-schooler and did use the book 1, 2, 3 Magic. It did take a lot of work and some awful tantrums, but it got better. In fact, my DS is now 10, he has not had a time out for several years. All I have to do is start counting and he knows I am serious.

One of the main things that I remember from the book is to focus on the behavior and do not respond to anything inflammatory that they may say.

 

[sixkristy6]

One of the main things that I remember from the book is to focus on the behavior and do not respond to anything inflammatory that they may say.

I do that at work, especially with the adolescents!! I think it's good idea for all ages.

Oh btw, what I wrote above about what I do with DD, it is not always that easy and it does not always work. I re-read what I wrote and had to laugh at how easy it looked!

Despite me wanting to scream (yes, I have), I tend to keep a firm, level tone of voice. I actually feel like my Mom, who I can remember doing the same thing when I was a kid (just not that young).

 

[4orm]

Thank you so much everyone!!

We try and are consistent but the behavior some days is worse than others. She's a smart kid with an over developed sense of sarcasm. When asked to apologize to me she'll sometimes say sorry in a real fake way with a smile on her face. I just hope it's a phase. I hope to have a really good relationship and bond with her but she's a total daddy's girl. If he gets up with her in the morning and I wake up a little later she gets upset if I so much as say good morning to her - and will tattle on me to my DH for speaking to her. It's a real power struggle for his attention I'm guessing. He works from home in a home studio and I think that might have a lot to do with things. I'm with her more, I discipline more, he's more 'fun' so she knows that he'll pop his head in if he hears her having poor behavior. it's exactly what she wants - to see dad 24/7.

Keep any advice coming! We use a montessori approach which I love, but still find myself having moments of pure frustration sometimes.


I really appreciate all the advice and words of encouragement. People say how hard raising kids is and man, they didn't say the half of it.

 

[sixkristy6]

Thank you so much everyone!!

We try and are consistent but the behavior some days is worse than others. She's a smart kid with an over developed sense of sarcasm. When asked to apologize to me she'll sometimes say sorry in a real fake way with a smile on her face. I just hope it's a phase. I hope to have a really good relationship and bond with her but she's a total daddy's girl. If he gets up with her in the morning and I wake up a little later she gets upset if I so much as say good morning to her - and will tattle on me to my DH for speaking to her. It's a real power struggle for his attention I'm guessing. He works from home in a home studio and I think that might have a lot to do with things. I'm with her more, I discipline more, he's more 'fun' so she knows that he'll pop his head in if he hears her having poor behavior. it's exactly what she wants - to see dad 24/7.

Keep any advice coming! We use a montessori approach which I love, but still find myself having moments of pure frustration sometimes.


I really appreciate all the advice and words of encouragement. People say how hard raising kids is and man, they didn't say the half of it.

Some advice....tell your DH to do some of the discipline. If it is relevant to the situation, make sure you guys use the words "Your Mommy & I" or "Your Daddy & I" when giving a consequence or telling her you are disappointed in her. This might help. When one parent is always the "fun" parent, and the other is the main disciplinarian, it's not good. I have worked with parents where the Daddy is the one who enforces rules, and Mom is the fun parent (or many times....the "friend" parent). Then, Daddy leaves for whatever reason, and Mom is left to try and enforce rules, which she has never done before. This leads to many conflicts between Mom and the child/teen.

I am not saying this will happen to you, but this is one reason why you need to equally parent now.

My DH is a softie. We both work FT. DD is an angel in daycare and sometimes a terror at home. I am more likely to say no and DH is more likely to give in (to avoid a tantrum). I say let the tantrum happen, so DD can learn from it. Is it annoying? Of course! It is how she will learn to regulate her own emotions and use her words (instead of smacking me).

You used the word sociopath in your OP. Your daughter sounds like a typical 2.5 year old. Nurture her as best you know how. Spend time with her 1:1. DD and I do "Momma *DD's name* days" when DH is busy. We might just go to a new park and then "brag" about it to Daddy ("no Daddy you can't go there, that's a special park for just me and Mommy"). Kids are unique (as pointed out by another poster).

BTW, don't expect the terrible 2s to be over anytime soon. DD started the terrible 2s around 18 months and she still has them (but it's much better now!).

Hang in there! Phew....I feel like I am at work.

 

[esquared221]

When asked to apologize to me she'll sometimes say sorry in a real fake way with a smile on her face. I just hope it's a phase. I hope to have a really good relationship and bond with her but she's a total daddy's girl. If he gets up with her in the morning and I wake up a little later she gets upset if I so much as say good morning to her -
I really appreciate all the advice and words of encouragement. People say how hard raising kids is and man, they didn't say the half of it.

Your daughter sounds a little like mine at that age and man do I feel your pain!

Our DD (now 5) wasnt a hitter but she was, and sometimes still is, a screamer. She started around 18 months just before her vocabulary "explosion" but the terribly undesirable behavior persisted. To our dismay, I found that despite my consentrated efforts at consistency, a lot of the traditional sorts of advice did not work. They actually seemed to make her worse.
What I wanted to add to this conversation is that you shouldnt give up if the more traditional advice and methods dont work with your DD. Its all very good advice, and most of the time kids will respond well to it but these methods dont work with ALL kids- raising children is far from a "one size fits all" approach. All children, like grownups, are motivated by different things and some children are more motivated by having control over a situation than by pleasing the parent. Its not malicious but gives them a feeling of power over some things in a life where generally all their decisions are made for them. Your daughters snide apology sounds like she might belong to this small population of "strong willed" kids.
Another good read might be "Try and Make Me" which is written for 2-12 yr olds. Im reading it now and find that most of the examples are aimed at describing the older half of this age group but clearly the advice will work for the younger sect as well. Its basis is largely finding ways to defuse a situation as its happening and avoid a power struggle and to allow kids to feel the natural consequences of their behavior (so they, rather than you, feel the brunt of their decisions to misbehave). This will motivate them to change where a failed TO wont.
Just keep trying your best and loving her every day and eventually this time will pass and someday when she's a successful woman with a strong mind of her own you can breath a sigh of relief!

 

[esquared221]

Another thing I meant to add was you could try giving her as many choices as possible throughout the day. Do you want to wear the pink shirt or the yellow shirt? Do you want cereal or waffles? Do you want to wear the pink sandals or the blue ones? Do you want a pony tail or a head band? If she feels like she has some power over a few things in her day she might feel less likely to strike out in frustration. I started this with our DD when this age stuck and we still give her as many choices as possible. It has helped!

 

[hsmamato2]

FWIW....toddlers behave like this quite a bit,and I've noticed that lots of 1st time parents worry about these same things...so don't panic, you love your dd,and she loves you. My ds2 bit,hit,punched,ran away...got into nonstop trouble at that age...I didn't know if I'd survive him at that point the reality was he was very intelligent,wanted to keep up with big bro,and lacked the physical ability to do it. He was a frustrated toddler,and boy he let us know!
By about 3.5,after years of consistent discipline and training(no not hitting him,firm training) he flipped a switch and became a wonderful easygoing happy (and still smart) kid.
I think the key is to not give up,even if it takes years. We ALWAYS let ds2 know what was acceptable behavior. ALWAYS. we had no choice, he saw things as black and white, no grey.