OT: ? Need some advice..any single parents out there?

[MommyWithDreams]

Just a little background...
my I left my ex husband on 1/7/06 after I found out he was cheating on me with a co-worker of his 15 years younger than him. We had been having problems for a long time before that but I was one that stuck around for my son. That was the last straw so I knew I had to make a future for my son and I. My divorce was final this past July. Not once have I regretted my decision. I was a SAHM for the first 2 1/2 years of my sons life. I now have an amazing job FT and I'm very happy with how I have been able to "start over" for my son and I. Here's the situation....my ex is now on his 3rd girlfriend since we split up. The first one was the one he cheated on me with, the second one was an old friend of mine that ended up stealing money from him.....this one is his daughters babysitter. Yes another young one. Anyway...I have yet to meet her and he's been with her for close to 4 months now. I HOPE for his AND my sons sake since he's around her she's a lot better pick than the previous two. She too is a single mom and has 2 boys. So my question.....do you think I have a right to at least "meet" this person? Considering how much time my son spends at her house and with her driving him around....don't you think that would at least be my right to know "who" this person is that my son is with every time he's with his dad. As for me...I finally put myself out there and started dating someone 6 months ago....I felt my ex should meet who my son is around..and be able to ask any questions he has of the guy I'm dating now. I don't mean a 20 question chat session or anything..but he's his dad...he does have every right to know who is around his son right? Why can I not get the same? Little bit more background......my ex was unemployed for 3 months recently, quit paying childsupport, was almost evicted from his apartment and had no electricity for over 2 months because he couldnt' pay for it. The overnight visits with dad came to a screeching halt during that time obviously. The reason I bring this up is....a few hours ago my son..who yes is 3 but has no problem talking...said that "today Angie (the gf) took him to the grocery store with her so daddy could stay sleeping". Which totally would not suprise me as my ex is one of the laziest men I have ever seen in my life....beside the point.....anyway....so how would you parents feel if you knew that some stranger whom you had never met was taking your son to the grocery store??? I plan on bringing this up to my ex later...but I know I'll once again get the same story ......when it's my time with him it's none of your business what I do.........nice huh? I have been on both sides of the fence.....I was a stepmom ..so I know life goes on and parents remarry etc etc.......but can't I at least know something about this person besides that she has lousy taste in men?

 

[txbradybunch]

I am divorced as well - 3 kids with my ex and remarried to a man who has 3 kids before me and we have one together. We have horrible contentious relationships with both sides and it puts a ton of stress on us.

His ex sees me as the one who has stolen her life - I have everything she ever wanted and she will do everything in her power to make us pay for the fact that she is bitter, lonely and unhappy. My ex is so much like yours I thought maybe you were talking about him! My ex moved a trashy druggy woman into my home less than 6 weeks after I moved out. She is horrible in so many ways that I don't care to elaborate on - and I hate that she has any part of my children's lives. However, in EVERY single action I choose to take and not take I consider how I would feel on the other end.

So often I think it is unfair that my DH's ex treats me so badly when I treat her children so well - when she could have it horrible like I do and have to wonder and worry about the welfare of her children every time they are with their dad.

The best pieces of advice I can offer is to always honor yourself and your values. My daddy always said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Oprah or Dr.Phil said that "you teach people how to treat you". You can only control your actions - not those of others. And try to think about the positive aspects. This woman could have left your child relatively unattended with his sleeping father, but instead took him with her to the store. Sounds like she made a good choice that is in your child's best interest. Hope for the best.

 

[MommyWithDreams]

Thank you for the quick reply. It is so hard. Our court order states that he's with his dad two days a week and those two days I do nothing but wonder where my son is and is he ok. My ex is like his weekly Disneyland....he's a playdate and nothing more. I know that sounds horrible but he think that having him over for two days a week is supporting our son. Since I moved out he has done nothing to contribute. I guess because of his lack or responsibility in every day life I just have a hard time trusting his judgement or lack there of with letting our child go with whomever he wants. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do....
I just keep telling myself at least I'm doing the very best I can for my son. A year ago I would have never imagined I could take my son to Disneyland. Here we are in a few weeks going. I'm so much better off now than I was during the last 6 years I was with him.....which in turn makes my son better off as well. He has a new and improved confident mom. It's just so hard sometimes to do this all alone. hugs

 

[txbradybunch]

I remember how many years I wanted to leave my ex but I never could manage to get two nickels to rub together to get out. When the day came that I just couldn't take anymore I called my daddy and asked for help. My parents came through beyond anything I could have ever imagined, and as I lived the life of a single mom with 3 young children (and then had another on my own after I left my ex but before our complicated 3.5 year divorce was final) I was able to do all kinds of things I never could with my ex. I took the kids for a long weekend to Sea-World. I took vacations up north to visit my family. I couldn't believe the money I had for Christmas shopping. My credit improved to the point that I went from having filed bankruptcy to buying my own house. It's amazing what you can do when you have TOTAL control over the finances isn't it.

And it is hard - and it will be for a long time. Everything you imagined you would have and be is gone and you have to redefine yourself and your life. Just remember that you are doing a wonderful job with your son - and you are there for him day in and day out and he will know it. Dad is a novelty - but as he gets older he will absolutely see with clarity who it was that was there providing for him each and every day.

My ex has had a warrant out for his arrest since Thanksgiving for failing to pay child support for several years and continuing to fail to do so after signing a probation agreement. Nothing seems to happen to him, and yet my husband misses some payments when he loses his job and we get hammered. Just know that kharma is a wonderful wonderful thing and all that comes around truly goes around.

Hang in there.

If you need an email buddy in a less public forum - feel free to email me at deborahnoe@hotmail.com.

Take Care!

 

[CampbellScot]

It would be great if you and your ex could make some ground rules about dating and such as far as the kids go...meeting the person etc...you can definately ask him...but really neither of you has a right to question the other's dating choices. Who you date ceased to be his business once the divorce was final and vice versa.

My step son has been injured on more than one occasion due to rough housing with mom's current boyfriend. Gashes across the nose, one under the eye, scratch down the back...all accidents...but instigated by a guy who has never been around kids before and it never occurs to him to say "Hey, that's dangerous..." It is infuriating? YES...Can we do anything about it? Not really. It just ticks mom off to no end when her boyfriend choice is questioned. He's a nice guy...just not careful. And my step son is a bulldozer who will run headlong into a brick wall if someone doesn't tell him to slow down.

You are going to make yourself nuts if you keep worrying about rights you don't have in regards to your husband and who he brings around your child. (Unless the person is a drug addict or some other catergory of inappropriate around children) As long as your son is in a safe environment when with his dad (he is being fed and clothed and there are no drugs and/or verbal/physical/mental abuse), he is in good condition when he is returned to you and custody isn't being violated there is nothing you can do. It's not fun...but there it is. If you suspect that your son is not in a safe environment, by all means, ASK or check it out. Your ex's history doesn't speak well for him.

hang in there. This is a rough issue to get used to. The best way to deal with it is to try and keep an open dialogue with your ex in regards to parenting.

 

[MommyWithDreams]

I totally agree with you when it comes to it not being my business as to who my ex dates, and honestly ...I sincerely wish him nothing but the best. I truly want him to end up with an amazing woman since that woman will play a role in my sons life. The last two he was with were involved with drugs and also pornography so needless to say I'm concerned this one might not be much better, which could be part of the reason he doesn't tell me anything. I wish we had an open line of communication....what's funny is when he's been between the gf's ..we have, we had dinners with our son together, talked on the phone at night about what our son did that day....it was great. We both realized our marriage was over and we moved on and were respectful towards each other. Once he gets involved with someone all that goes down the drain and I can't figure out why. I will never be her friend or anything.....but as I look at it, I'm a permanent fixture on the wall....I'm not going anywhere, so why can't we all just try to get along and communicate for my sons sake and let bygones be bygones ya know. He's impossible to deal with at times and comes around when it's convenient for him.......refuses to pay child support unless it's garnished from his check and since he just recently started a new job we all know that takes forever and a day to get started again.
PS *bradybunch*..thank you for the email..you just might be hearing from me soon. It's nice to have someone to talk to that can relate.

 

[CampbellScot]

Maybe you could go around your ex and just call up the girlfriend? Maybe start up a bit of dialogue with her?

My husband's ex was initally very cordial to me. We talked on the phone every now and then. She'd call me to pick up the kids if she couldn't make it on time or whatever...it seemed really nice...now when she comes out to the car when we get the kids she doesn't even say hello. Whatevs...

I'm sure this is really scary for you based on your ex's past. Divorce is awful. Being a step parent is hard so I can only imagine what it's like when your son is with someone else.

Good luck...really.

 

[MommyWithDreams]

That's how my relationship was for awhile too with my exhusbands ex. Just like the current situation he did NOT want me to meet her. After he moved in with me I thought uh no...this woman has EVERY right to know who her daughter is going to be around when she is with us on the weekends. She came to pick her up one day and I invited her in, and her daughter got to show her mom her own room...both my stepdaughter and her mom were VERY happy about that. I was in her life from the time she was almost 7 months old until she was 7. We never were close, but we were very cordial to each other for the most part and half the time she called me to do the scheduling of drop offs and pick ups because my dh at the time was like I said lazy and so unreliable. That friendliness went off and on after my son was born. It was weird after that.......we had a hard time getting along after that for some reason. I know nothing about this new gf of my ex. They don't live together so I have no way of how to reach her. I dont' want to look like I'm "harassing" her in any way by trying to meet her ya know.....I know he'd make it look like that.
Yea..I can't see divorce every being easy...especially when kids were part of the marriage.......I've been the step parent and now I'm the parent learning how to handle the other side of the fence the best way I can. The support here is great...THANK YOU to both of you

 

[Nala2007]

I hear you ladies, I'm once divorced and remarried, THANK THE LORD we didnt have any children together, but I have a DS prior the first marriage and a DD with my current DH....LOL....

but MY thing of all this is I would SERIOUSLY have a problem with my ex bringing my kid around all these different girls!! 3 girlfriends in a year? I can see if he has a serious lady having your DS around her, but I would definitely say something about that!!

I do believe everyone should get along if possible though. Funny story made short: My parents divorced 15 years ago and my dad remarried. My mom and the new wife got along great, in fact all kids involved like eachothers' mom!! In fact, one of wife #2's kids rents a room at my dads place....

Eventually after about 10 years they got divorced. My dad married AGAIN (definitely out of loneliness) and the woman was just NUTS (won't go into details), anyhow when he filed for divorce she tried to do a bunch of craziness and my MOM helped him kick her out! It seemed fitting that my mom help my dad to all of us, but to outside friends they all found it strange, my mom helping her ex husband get rid of wife 3??

go figure...