OT - My sister's kids...

[jensen]

I just need to know if I'm wrong to be upset about this... today I was at the lake with my family and my sister with her two kids (DD6 and DS4). We were on the boat (pontoon) and decided to stop in a nice part of the lake and take a dip. My DH was in the water and he was trying to encourage my DD3 to jump in the lake with him. She was reluctant to jump in, so my niece came over and shoved my daughter into the lake. As I pulled my DD back out of the lake screaming and crying, I looked to my niece who was standing right beside me and calmly said "Don't ever do that again." At which point, she started to cry hysterically. My sister called her over and said "Oh, it's all right." and started to try to stop her crying. I looked up and said "It is not all right." To which my sister responded that I should "chill out".

At this point, my DH decided that it was time to call it a day and leave the lake - about 3 hours earlier than we had planned... he was really upset.

During the boat ride back to the house, my sister spent the whole time consoling her crying daughter. No punishment was ever given.

Am I wrong to think this is nuts? A 6-year-old shoved a 3-year-old off a boat into a lake and the 6-year-old doesn't even get a time-out?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would have been mad too. I don't care if it was a 6 year old pushing a 6 year old. The kid was being a brat. I know my kids owuld have been in big trouble if they did that. My Dsis would also punish her son if he did that as well. I would have been very mad if she blew it off.

 

[mrs.beast]

if my children ever pushed anyone in the lake, kid or adult, they would be busted,(much less a smaller cousin) your husband is a saint for controlling himself. mine would have lost it.

 

[dementia412]

Allthough I do understand being angry, and the mother should have done something... I also think you may have jumped the gun in telling the kid off. I don't know because I wasn't there.. maybe you gave her enough time, but it seems more likely that you just yelled at her without a beat (not judging, it's probably what I would have done too) not giving mom enough time to say anything. And most people will back their kid up immediatly if someone else says a word to their kid, even if they know darn well you were right. So, what I'm saying is yes it was normal for you to get angry in that situation, and the kid needs to be punished for that behavior, but you should cut mom some slack. She was also just doing what comes naturally.

 

[jessica52877]

If someone pushed my son I would immediately say something. I don't think what was said was harsh at all, especially considering the circumstances. We have a pool and the other parents will just let their kids do whatever they please, same idea in my opinion. Do i think the the six year old might have been trying to help? wasn"t there but probably thought i"ll get her to jump. She should have been talked to by her mom, consoled, not sure a time out was necessary, but if it was on purpose as in I am going to push you, not help you jump then absolutely punishment and no consoling.

 

[LJRJR]

I have three young children and so does my sister. We are very close and together quiet often. What you say to someone elses children can be a very touchy subject. However, I am not saying that in your situation what you said to her child was wrong, your sister was just sticking up for her child. I know it is difficult, but try to overlook the situation so that it does not start a fight.

 

[Maryr1]

I would be very angry. We have a boat and we are very concerned about safety. It is unsafe to ever push someone in off a boat. Boats are slippery when wet and who knows what kind of injury could of happened if your daughter had lost her footing as she was being pushed or if she had grabbed your neice as she was being pushed. What if your neice had decided to push your daughter in while the boat was moving? If your sister is angry at you, too bad. It's your boat, you or your husband are the captain and responsible for all aboard. It is a very long ride to shore with an injured passenger......

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

My sister and I have very different ideas of raising children. She has three and I have two and somethings that she punishes her kid for boggle my mind, while at other times she is much too lax. Anyway, I would have been livid if that happened to my child! And you had every right to be upset with the older niece! It was the SAFETY of your child that you were sticking up for! And I agree that your sister should have punished her child! But, unless you want the fight to hurt your relationship with her...let it be. You did what you needed to do. Everyone has to make their own parenting choices, and live with the consequences (or rewards) down the road. At the same time, I would not allow the niece to possibly cause harm to your child again! I would have no problem confronting the mother on controlling her child's behavior in response to your own.

 

[MindyLuvsMickey]

I think you have every right to be angry. Had my niece7 done that to my son who is nearly 3, I would most certainly have said something to her. Not only is it frightening for the little one, its dangerous.

I'm sad that your niece was able to get away with it.

 

[Sabrina90744]

I think you were right, I would've went ballastic myself. Something like that happened to me when I was little and it traumatized me, took me years to feel safe in the water. I am still somewhat scared now. I hope your lil girl is okay.

 

[CampbellScot]

You have every right to be angry! My husband would have lost it had a six year old pushed his 3 year old into the water. That is just dangerous. Your sister should have been on it right away. You stayed calm and did nothing out of line. When the actions of any child threatens the safety of your own you have every right in the world to say something about it. Especially when her own mother did nothing.

All that being said, six year olds can be very impulsive. She probably wasn't really thinking much about how her actions might effect her little cousin. But someone needed to impress upon her how dangerous and inappropriate it is to push someone into the water. My husband's grandfather pushed him into a lake when he was 8, without any warning.My husband wasn't a very strong swimmer and he swallowed half the lake before he was able to get back to the boat. He developed pneumonia as a result and was sick for weeks. He has NEVER gotten over that. He's not a big fan of boats and he got his own kids into swimming lessons by the time they were 3 so they wouldn't be afraid in the water.

Your sister needs to recognize inappropriate behaviors in her children and correct them so that they KNOW the difference between something that "isn't nice" as opposed to something that is "dangerous". What she did was dangerous. Period.

I hope you little girl is okay!

 

[Zoemakes5]

Wow, I'd be livid. Not necessarily at the niece. I think you did what was appropriate and said "don't ever do that again". It *may* have been helpful to distinguish that with "that was very dangerous, it could have really hurt her, don't ever push a person off of a boat.", but you were totally not out of line. She was probably just acting instinctively and didn't realise someone could be hurt. She NEEDS to know that, but in the situation, unless you thought she was trying to hurt your DD, probably a "tht is not allowed" and a time out or stern talking to would be sufficient.
I'd be upset at your sister and her reaction. And, if it were me, I'd tell her so. ESPECIALLY if you anticipate any future boat trips with them.
Too many people are too worried about offending parents that the community (however that's defined) isn't allowed to impart social rules to children. And, as a result, children also don't tend to respect adults who aren't in direct correlation to them. When I was young, I would have anticipated any adult who was near by (and I lived in a big city, not a small town) to have corrected me if they saw me doing something wrong. And, I would have been....well fearful isn't the right word, but I'd feel bad that an adult had caught me being bad. Now days, you see a child doing something wrong, and you're not allowed to say anything to them for fear of a parent, and often a parent that you don't know, will get all upset. AND, when they get upset, it's not at the child for acting inappropriately, but it's with the adult who said something to them! Wonderful message you send to your kids. Terrible message to send to kids, IMHO. Also, when another adult does say something, the kids cop an attitude that "you're not my parent", and ignore you or mouth of to you, as they've never been taught any differently.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I agree with the poster about maybe your sister thought you "jumped the gun" on yelling at the niece. I, too, pry would've said what you did.
My sister and I don't mind when we correct eachother's kids though. I hope you can approach it like this. "Gee, Lisa, I hope if one of MY children were doing something dangerous or inappropriate, you would feel free to correct him/her."

 

[Zoemakes5]

I just want to point out that according to OP, she "pulled my DD back out of the lake screaming and crying, I looked to my niece who was standing right beside me and calmly said "Don't ever do that again." " and then later corrected her sister by saying "no that's not alright"...that's a whole lot different than "going off" or yelling at her niece.

 

[momof5boys]

Yes it was dangerous what she did, although I think she was trying to help, you stated that she started crying hysterically after you told her never to do that again. I think at that point she realized she did something VERY wrong. You also stated your sister spent the rest of the boat ride back consoling her still crying daughter. I think you should have let your sister console her until she calmed down, a time out wouldn't have done anything, the kid was already punishing herself. After she calmed down you could have explained to her all the reasons why she shouldn't push anyone off a boat(I'm sure she would have been more receptive to the lession and would never forget it. ) I think your sister was just reacting to the fact her daughter was hysterical at the time and would have reinforced what you told her after she calmed down. No flames please, but you can't teach anything to a screaming kid.

 

[jodifla]

I just need to know if I'm wrong to be upset about this... today I was at the lake with my family and my sister with her two kids (DD6 and DS4). We were on the boat (pontoon) and decided to stop in a nice part of the lake and take a dip. My DH was in the water and he was trying to encourage my DD3 to jump in the lake with him. She was reluctant to jump in, so my niece came over and shoved my daughter into the lake. As I pulled my DD back out of the lake screaming and crying, I looked to my niece who was standing right beside me and calmly said "Don't ever do that again." At which point, she started to cry hysterically. My sister called her over and said "Oh, it's all right." and started to try to stop her crying. I looked up and said "It is not all right." To which my sister responded that I should "chill out".

At this point, my DH decided that it was time to call it a day and leave the lake - about 3 hours earlier than we had planned... he was really upset.

During the boat ride back to the house, my sister spent the whole time consoling her crying daughter. No punishment was ever given.

Am I wrong to think this is nuts? A 6-year-old shoved a 3-year-old off a boat into a lake and the 6-year-old doesn't even get a time-out?

Wow! A whole day's events ruined over an event like this??

Kids are kids. They act like kids. The 6 year old is 6. The adults here let this get completely out of hand.

The 3 year old should be consoled, but gotten back into the water as quickly as possible, so she doesn't get a phobia over the whole thing.

The 6 year old who made a mistake should get a lesson when she is calm enough to understand it and process it.

And the adults who would call it a day over something like this need therapy!

 

[shelly3girls]

You are right to be upset. If my DD did that to another child I would be fine with another parent reprimanding her. You are talking about a very dangerous situation. Even if by accident the child needs to understand the possible consequences of this action.

 

[jensen]

Yes it was dangerous what she did, although I think she was trying to help, you stated that she started crying hysterically after you told her never to do that again. I think at that point she realized she did something VERY wrong. You also stated your sister spent the rest of the boat ride back consoling her still crying daughter. I think you should have let your sister console her until she calmed down, a time out wouldn't have done anything, the kid was already punishing herself. After she calmed down you could have explained to her all the reasons why she shouldn't push anyone off a boat(I'm sure she would have been more receptive to the lession and would never forget it. ) I think your sister was just reacting to the fact her daughter was hysterical at the time and would have reinforced what you told her after she calmed down. No flames please, but you can't teach anything to a screaming kid.

Thanks for all the feedback folks... I agree with what you said, my niece probably did realize what she did was wrong... and I truly don't believe that my niece pushed with malicious intent. That is precisely why I didn't yell at her, I spoke very calmly when I told her to never do it again.

I guess my concern is not with my niece and maybe my title should have been "my sister's parenting..." because I cannot understand why she didn't take the opportunity to let her daughter know that what she did was very wrong... ever.

Now that I've had my chance to vent and get some feedback, I'll get over the incident. I love my sister and her family and won't do anything to jeopardize our relationship, but this wasn't the first incident and I know it won't be the last because this is one small example of the way she does things. Thank goodness her husband has a little more parenting sense. If DBIL had been with us, I'm certain the girl would have learned the necessary lesson.

 

[jensen]

Wow! A whole day's events ruined over an event like this??

Kids are kids. They act like kids. The 6 year old is 6. The adults here let this get completely out of hand.

The 3 year old should be consoled, but gotten back into the water as quickly as possible, so she doesn't get a phobia over the whole thing.

The 6 year old who made a mistake should get a lesson when she is calm enough to understand it and process it.

And the adults who would call it a day over something like this need therapy!

Jodi,

It was more like the proverbial straw... we had been together for four days and my husband had had enough. I try to keep my patience with her and her kids because we don't see them very often, but it really takes it's toll.

It's actually quite sad because my parents and other siblings will only spend a few hours at a time with her kids - no one has the heart to tell her that her kids are brats and that is why people cannot stand to be around them.

 

[jodifla]

Jodi,

It was more like the proverbial straw... we had been together for four days and my husband had had enough. I try to keep my patience with her and her kids because we don't see them very often, but it really takes it's toll.

It's actually quite sad because my parents and other siblings will only spend a few hours at a time with her kids - no one has the heart to tell her that her kids are brats and that is why people cannot stand to be around them.

Ah, I see. Thanks for the clarification. That makes more sense.

Good luck with this. It sounds like it will be an ongoing situation.