OT: My husband started smoking again?!?!

[xoprincessmomxo]

I know this is completely of topic, but I just had to vent. Last night after I was asleep, I heard the door open. I noticed he was up and saw that he was outside by our van. Anyway, he came back in and I could smell the smoke on him. He has not smoked in 4 1/2 years as he quit when our oldest daughter was a baby. Before that, though, he had smoked like a chimney since he was about 13! I was so proud of him when he quit and cannot believe that he has started again! I didn't even know what to say to him. He said he knows that he needs to stop and that he doesn't smoke often. But I feel like he has lied to me. He has never lied to me before. I am heartbroken. My mother died of lung cancer when she was 50 and I don't want him to set a bad example for our daughters. We were both in agreement about this. If any one has been through something like this, I could definitely use some support. I am most saddened at the fact that he has kept me in the dark about it.

 

[delmar411]

{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I'm sorry you feel lied to but I'm sure your DH feels very ashamed about starting again. I've BTDT and not smoking is the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. I literally twitch my fingers looking for a smoke (lately almost non-stop) and I finally quit 'for good' when I was about 4mths along with my last (who's almost 19mths now). I also started smoking again 3yrs after my first was born during a time of immense stress and was only able to stop while pregnant.

I know it can seem like he is just being mean or unfeeling but it really isn't about you (not in a mean way!) and he will have to make the choice himself whether he wants to quit for good or continue on. And he'll have to want it to his very core.

Stand by him and offer him support in quitting if he wants it. Just don't push too hard as I've found time and time again that the harder someone pushes in one direction, the harder you tend to push in the other, even if you want what they want too.

Good Luck and I hope he does want to quit again for good!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

delmar411 Thank you for your response. He is really ashamed about it and he knew that I would be mad at him. Which he was totally right about. I've never been a smoker (other than the few times I tried it in college) so I really can't understand the whole addiction thing. I know when he quit the first time, it was difficult. But he is so mild mannered it is sometimes hard to see when things are bothering him. I just can't understand the reason for him starting up again. His health went through an amazing transformation in the years after he quit smoking. Even he would comment on how much better he felt. I will try not to push him too hard. That will be hard though. (I'm kind of pushy sometimes and smoking is just something I have a very difficult view with because of the health effects. I don't want to see him get sick....

 

[Robmom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My DH has a heart condition and was told to stop smoking, and of course he doesn't. I used to be a smoker when I met him, and I stopped for him. I keep telling him that I stopped for him, but he can't stop for me. I don't even bother saying anything anymore, because he doesn't listen. I hope your DH has the strength to stop again.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I quit the second I found out I was pregnant and never went back. (Literally peed on the stick, had a cigarette while it was "processing" came back, looked at the test, and quit. That was over 4 years ago. I found it hard, but (obviously) not impossible.
What I can tell you is that you really have to want to quit for yourself...not for other people, not because of articles people give you about the risks, not because of threats, or anything else.
I hate to even say this, but is it possible that he's been sneaking all this time? 4 1/2 years is a long time to quit and go back...That's about how long its been since I've stopped and I honestly cannot picture myself smoking, forget ever going back to it.

 

[workinmomof2]

I really feel for you. I know how it is to watch someone you love take years off of their life by smoking and not care. My dad had only 11% lung capacity the last 8 or 9 years of his life. I know it wasn't just the smoking that did it, he was a diesel mechanic and back in the day they just kept the garages closed with no ventilation and he painted cars with just the cloth max all contributing factors. But even after he found out his lungs were in sad shape and kept getting worse he kept smoking. It took a real scare to him before he would quit. He got put into ICU because of a heart/lung related matter. That was a slap in the face to him. When him came out he did not smoke again, however, all of the damage was already done. He could barely cross a room without huffing and puffing. At death he was on oxygen like crazy.

It is such a helpless feeling. It also feels like they don't care about anyone else around them. I really can't give you any words of wisdom because I never found any. I can only let you know that you are not alone in your situation and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Keara'sMom]

I have to reply just to give you hugs My dh is a smoker and has been since he was around 14 (he's 50). He's tried to quit several times but none recently, as his job is crazy, and he just doesn't want to try and fail. His dr. gave him a prescription for something new--not sure what it's called, but it's supposed to make nicotine not effective as a stimulant. We'll see if he tries it. As others have said, I've given up saying anything about it, because it only caused tension between us, but it just about kills me to watch him to this to himself. By the way, my ob/gyn mentioned to me that nicotine is more addictive than heroin, so I'm sure it's just crazy to quit. Here's hoping that he tries again... In the meantime, know that you're not alone in this.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Thank you everyone for your support. I really think that he will try to quit again. He obviously isn't smoking much or often or I would have known before this. Hopefully he will nip this in the bud before it gets out of control. His best friend and his wife are smokers and I am sure that has something to do with this resurgence.