OT:More birthday etiquitte

[tlbwriter]

I think we just have differing opinions of social ettiquette... and differing opinions of children's parties. Some people just don't invite whole classrooms of kids which means inviting families is more manageable and it allows for more options if you are attempting to stay within a budget which seems to be the major sticking point with the NO siblings rule..

Well, no. The major sticking point of the "no siblings" rule is the fact that people who were not invited should not attend. If you choose to invite an entire family, that's great. If a parent chooses to stay with a younger child, that's appropriate. And I'm not sure what it has to do with inviting whole classrooms (which I've never done) - it's actually more of an issue with smaller parties. If I invite 20 kids, two extra isn't a big deal. If I invite five kids, it's because I have something very specific planned for those five kids - possibly expensive, and definitely appropriate for a narrow age group - and adding one or two more with little or no notice simply isn't an option.

 

[badblackpug]

Again, there is no issue with a parent accompanying a small child to a party, I am sure no-one expects the 1st grader to get on Septa and take himself there!

I also said I have no issue inviting families if it is families I know. 3 of my 4 are in school full time. The majority of their playmates consist of school friends. I don't know their families, so why would I invite them? I don't invite the whole class. I do, however, mail the invitations.

This is how I do it. As for whom other people choose to invite, that is their business. My point was that it is rude to bring someone to a party who was not invited. And again, I do not mean a parent accompanying a small child. I mean siblings. As for my wedding analogy it is the same point. Why would anyone bring a child to a party where that child didn't even know the birthday boy/girl? What is the point?

...and I make my kids write "thank you" notes! (feast on THAT! )

 

[NEDisneyFans]

like i said, ive never seen such a rule, maybe its written somehwere, but ive never actually seen anything like that, or maybe its an unwritten rule that parents would like to be a rule? my daughter does go to school with invites, i dont hand them out she does. but we dont invite the whole class. just those she wishes to invite.

This wasn't a school rule for us -- it was my mom's rule! We were given the choice of inviting just who we wanted, and walking the neighborhood to deliver invitations, but if we wanted to hand out invitations at school, the entire class had to be invited. We were also taught that it was not polite to discuss a party around folks who hadn't been/weren't going to be invited.

For "family" events, we'd always include each entire family, but a child's birthday party is for the birthday child and her/his friends/guests, not an event for the guest's entire family!

 

[NEDisneyFans]

well im glad my school doesnt consider it a "rule", but i cant see me following it anyway, unless the school planned to foot the bill.
to be completely honest, i could care less about proper ettiquite and i have no plans in telling my child she cant discuss what she wants with my friends.
the rule has nothing to do with ettiquite anyway, or it wouldnt read that you only have to invite same sex classmates. that makes no sense, either its rude to not invite the whole class or its not, you cant have it both ways.
the reason schools have the rule is because of the obnoxious parents who complain when their child isnt invited to someones birthday, even if that someone isnt their childs friend.

Wow -- you don't want to teach your children to pay attention to rules or have manners? You should have a lot of fun when they are adolescents!

And FYI, the exception for single-sex invitations is usually in place for slumber party/sleep-overs were it would be inappropriate to have a mixed-sex party, or for cultures/religions that don't permit mixed-gender socializing outside of family events.

 

[dzorn]

You said it!!!! And maybe it is a regional thing - I am in Long Island too.
Although some people are just clueless.

lovinpoohbear- I could have written this post. I totally get what you are saying!!!!
This past Nov when my DS turned 5, I invited my next door nieghbors DS4 to the birthday. I was hesitant to invite him in the first place because his mom has a history of dumping her children on people (not just me either). In the past we've invited her DS to parties only to have her show up with her DH and her THREE other children as well. That's 6 people, people!! And she never even asked if they could come along. So for DS's 5th birthday I hand delivered the card addressed to only him and told her what I had planned for the party. I also went on to explain that because money was tight AND space was tight in our little apartment I had to cut the guest list down. I figured I could not get any more direct than that. She never RSVP'd, even though I left a message asking if Christopher would be attending. On the day of the party about 5 minutes before start time, she called to say that they were on the way and that her DD8 and DS11 were hoping that they could come too. Would it be okay? Come on, a 3rd grader and a 6th grader want to attend a kindergartener's birthday party?
I said yes. What can I say I am a push over and I don't know how to say no. Do you know that 30 minutes later in walks Christopher-4 and his sister-8 and not his brother, but sister-8's best friend. WHAT? You mean she already had a playdate planned at her house and mom sends them to my son's birthday party? I was dumb founded. And then to top it of 5 minutes later, she shows up with her DS-11. I am sorry but that's just WRONG!
The thing is this woman is really clueless, she just doesn't get it. I've been trying to distance myself from them ever since but it is difficult. 1- they live right next door and 2- my son adores her son. But i am tired of her using me. Here is an example; she will call and say her Christopher would love to have a playdate with my Leon, maybe we could get them together and are we free right now? I think great he's been invited for a playdate, he loves Christopher. But that isn't exactly the case. Because as soon as I say we are free, the conversation goes something like this; "oh good, the only thing is I have to run to the store for about an hour (or take her DD to a game, or make some phone calls, or run the dog to the vet)" this is when it becomes apparent to me that she does not want to invite Leon for a playdate, she wants me to babysit. She has never called to invite Leon over there. I also found out that she does this to two of our other neighbors with kids as well. And it will only get worse because in Sept, Christopher will start kindergarten and they will be on the school bus together. Leon will be asking me to invite him for a playdate every day. I just don't want to be watching her kid all the time! Ugh!
Anyway I did not mean to hijack your thread .... but i do know what you mean and I agree with you! COMPLETELY!

Just go with "Leon would love to come over and play it will give me time to ...." try that response instead. Make it clear the little tikes are welcome to play at her house.

Denise in MI

 

[rt2dz]

you are very good at reading things that werent written. or is it that you just assume, because it helps your case? which ever it is, i dont really care anymore.

lol I think you are assuming my response was strictly to you. It wasn't, which is why I didn't quote you. I also don't know what "case" you're talking about or why you'd think if you'd care or not, but oh well...

 

[rt2dz]

You can always invite who you choose - we just put in the extra effort and mail the invitations, and no one gets her feelings hurt.

That's exactly what we do. Both the preschool and the elementary school puts out a school directory (that parents have to sign off permission to be put in), mainly for that reason.

The preschool sends home a note that says something along the lines that children are still learning and feelings can get hurt. Invitations can be handed out at school if it is for the entire class, otherwise please hand out invitations off school grounds.

The elementary school has it in the handbook. Sometimes, kids can taunt the child that is left out.

I have no problem with the policy. We use the good old USPS.

 

[dzorn]

like i said, ive never seen such a rule, maybe its written somehwere, but ive never actually seen anything like that, or maybe its an unwritten rule that parents would like to be a rule? my daughter does go to school with invites, i dont hand them out she does. but we dont invite the whole class. just those she wishes to invite.

It is a written policy at our school. It comes home from school usually the first or second day with a packet of back to school information.

Denise in MI

 

[rt2dz]

sounds like u did a great job on the invites. Now if an univited sibling showed up how would you have handled it?

It's not the (iunivited) child's fault that the parents are rude or clueless. I don't punish the child, to the best of my ability.

I always have extra goody bags on hand. They are not the same goody bags the invitees get, but more a bag a candy--serves the parents right for brining an uninvited guest!

There is always enough cake. And I always have a little extra food on hand, just in case. For the pool party it was a SpongeBob theme. We were serving "crabby patties", i.e., kid meal hamburgers. We picked up 3 extra meals. I also like having extras in case someone drops theirs or spills their drink on it, etc.

I have extra piñata bags on hand. OK, they aren't the cute, themed ones; they are lunch bags, but hey, you weren't invited! But it does mean less for the invited children--piñatas will hold only what they will hold.

As far swimming went, if siblings had shown up, and invited guests declined, they could swim. If not, I'd have to tell the parents, I'm sorry, but there aren't enough lifeguards since we provided only for my child's friends. That wouldn't be able to be helped. 1) It was $75 extra for every extra lifeguard. Really, I could wind up need 4-5 extra lifeguards if every child had all their siblings attend. 2) Lifeguards at the last minute would not be available. It has to be booked in advance. My numbers were due 10 days prior to the party for that reason.

Other times, I just pay for the child and think to myself how rude of the parents. We definitely would not be friends if they cannot show any consideration to me or to my child.

Really, my middle one isn't an overly social child like my oldest. He has friends, but it is not a wide group. With his parties, there is always room. He likes something small. But again, that is a reason that I don't like siblings to show up at his parties; it makes him uncomfortable and it is supposed to be his special day.

I do cheat. When the kids are in preschool, I hold the parties during the day when most siblings would be at school. It also helps me get a great discount on the party place!

 

[rt2dz]

Well, no. The major sticking point of the "no siblings" rule is the fact that people who were not invited should not attend. If you choose to invite an entire family, that's great. If a parent chooses to stay with a younger child, that's appropriate. And I'm not sure what it has to do with inviting whole classrooms (which I've never done) - it's actually more of an issue with smaller parties. If I invite 20 kids, two extra isn't a big deal. If I invite five kids, it's because I have something very specific planned for those five kids - possibly expensive, and definitely appropriate for a narrow age group - and adding one or two more with little or no notice simply isn't an option.

I just also wanted to add, while one or two isn't a big deal with a party of 20, there can be an issue if all 20 kids decided to bring both their siblings making the party 60 kids! And we're not even talking about the extra charges that might incur.

There is nothing wrong with inviting the whole family if that is what you want to do. I have done that before, when my children have had smaller social circles and revolved around whom I was friends with. But when the people hosting the party don't invite the entire family, there is a reason and you (general you) shouldn't decide that it is OK to bring someone uninvited.

 

[dzorn]

That's exactly what we do. Both the preschool and the elementary school puts out a school directory (that parents have to sign off permission to be put in), mainly for that reason.

I would love if they put out a directory, but our school doesn't.

Denise in MI

 

[tlbwriter]

I would love if they put out a directory, but our school doesn't.

In my DD's school, the PTA is in charge of this. Maybe you could suggest it to your PTA/PTO?

 

[imthatgirl]

Wow -- you don't want to teach your children to pay attention to rules or have manners? You should have a lot of fun when they are adolescents!

And FYI, the exception for single-sex invitations is usually in place for slumber party/sleep-overs were it would be inappropriate to have a mixed-sex party, or for cultures/religions that don't permit mixed-gender socializing outside of family events.

where did i say i didnt teach my kids to follow rules and have manners. i still dont see how my child handing an invitation to her friend ona school bus effects any other child. of course im not on the bus, but i think its a safe assumption that she isnt standing up and announcing that she is handing her friend an invite, buit no one else will be receiving one.
i have never seen such a rule, until today and im shocked that a school would even feel the need to control that aspect of the students life. i think if my childrens school did have that rule, i would have a huge problem with it.

 

[imthatgirl]

This wasn't a school rule for us -- it was my mom's rule! We were given the choice of inviting just who we wanted, and walking the neighborhood to deliver invitations, but if we wanted to hand out invitations at school, the entire class had to be invited. We were also taught that it was not polite to discuss a party around folks who hadn't been/weren't going to be invited.

For "family" events, we'd always include each entire family, but a child's birthday party is for the birthday child and her/his friends/guests, not an event for the guest's entire family!

walking the invites to friends houses is not an option here.

like i said, we always invite a child and their family, its how ive always had a party.

but im womdering for everyone that keeps qouting me.....where did i ever say it was ok to bring an uninvited guest to a party?????????????

 

[imthatgirl]

lol I think you are assuming my response was strictly to you. It wasn't, which is why I didn't quote you. I also don't know what "case" you're talking about or why you'd think if you'd care or not, but oh well...

strange, if you werent talking to me, why then did you pick off everything i said in my previous posts ....who were you responding too, that said anything similiar??

 

[tlbwriter]

where did i say i didnt teach my kids to follow rules and have manners.

Well, in post #72 you said

our schools have never asked that we invite the whole class, and if they did, i wouldnt.

And in post #102 you said

well im glad my school doesnt consider it a "rule", but i cant see me following it anyway, unless the school planned to foot the bill.
to be completely honest, i could care less about proper ettiquite and i have no plans in telling my child she cant discuss what she wants with my friends.

So I think you've made it pretty clear that if this were a rule in your school, you would instruct your children to ignore it, and that you don't care about proper etiquette or manners.

I understand that you think if someone sees your daughter hand out invitations, she won't care that she didn't get one, because she's not you daughter's friend. But the fact is that she may believe she's your daughter's friend (maybe they're friendly but not best friends) and she's going to feel excluded and hurt. It makes me very sad that any parent would care so little about this. But, again, that's why the schools had to come up with these rules in the first place - because of parents who believe their own convenience is more important than anything else.

 

[Momvic5]

i have never seen such a rule, until today and im shocked that a school would even feel the need to control that aspect of the students life. i think if my childrens school did have that rule, i would have a huge problem with it.

My oldest DS12 went to 3 different schools, and they all had the same rule. Party invitations could not be handed out DURING school hours unless the entire class was invited. However, the invitations could be passed out before or after school hours ~ on the bus, during drop off, during pick up, etc.

My understanding of the rule was that it was set up more for the sake of the teachers than it was for etiquitte. Invitations are usually passed out at the end of the day, and if only a select few are invited, teachers run the risk of having to deal with issues or questions that may turn up from it. The rule was set up to help teachers avoid unnecessary situations. So the attitude was ~ Have your party and invite who you want ~ just plan and have it on your time and not the schools.

Just my thoughts.

 

[imthatgirl]

Well, in post #72 you said


And in post #102 you said


So I think you've made it pretty clear that if this were a rule in your school, you would instruct your children to ignore it, and that you don't care about proper etiquette or manners.

I understand that you think if someone sees your daughter hand out invitations, she won't care that she didn't get one, because she's not you daughter's friend. But the fact is that she may believe she's your daughter's friend (maybe they're friendly but not best friends) and she's going to feel excluded and hurt. It makes me very sad that any parent would care so little about this. But, again, that's why the schools had to come up with these rules in the first place - because of parents who believe their own convenience is more important than anything else.

i leave my child out of decisions i make. i would personally not be following the rule but it would be safe to say my child wouldnt even know the rule.

as a parent its my job to prepare my child for life. its probably the biggest thing we have to do as parents. one thing i have taught my daughter is how to handle disappointment. but aside from that i have also explained to her that as far as parties go for classmates, she wont always be invited to every party(remember we dont have that silly rule here). she understands that parties cost a lot of money and not all parents can invite all the kids. so last year when she wasnt invited to pasquels party, but her best friend was, her best friends mom came over and asked if we wanted her to take kenzie anyway. my daughters response"no, i wasnt invited" she understood at the age of 6, that pasquel only invited her friends and it wasn t personal.
now, until this post i assumed all parents taught there kids thses things, i realize i assumed wrong.
possibly you live in an area where parents can afford to invite the whole class, and maybe thats why the schools have those rules. i dont live there, many of the families here are on fixed incomes. so instead we have to teach our kids to handle thses situations, but im ok with that.

 

[rt2dz]

In my DD's school, the PTA is in charge of this. Maybe you could suggest it to your PTA/PTO?

Exactly. Our school didn't until DS started K. I immediately brought it up to the PTO because it was invaluable during preschool.

For those parents who don't opt in to the directory, I have DS collect phone numbers. I then make those handful of calls to the parents, explain what is going on and get their addresses. Funny thing is, the next year they are always in the directory.

 

[imthatgirl]

My oldest DS12 went to 3 different schools, and they all had the same rule. Party invitations could not be handed out DURING school hours unless the entire class was invited. However, the invitations could be passed out before or after school hours ~ on the bus, during drop off, during pick up, etc.

My understanding of the rule was that it was set up more for the sake of the teachers than it was for etiquitte. Invitations are usually passed out at the end of the day, and if only a select few are invited, teachers run the risk of having to deal with issues or questions that may turn up from it. The rule was set up to help teachers avoid unnecessary situations. So the attitude was ~ Have your party and invite who you want ~ just plan and have it on your time and not the schools.

Just my thoughts.

well then thats exactly what i said we do, now isnt it . my daughter hands them out on the bus, at the bus stop and during the time they are playing before school. i would imagine all kids do that. of course they would give them out the minute they saw their friends, why would anyone wait till they were in class?