OT:More birthday etiquitte

[lovinpoohbear]

Ok, I have a question. My ds had a birthday in April, and one of his friends (I have known them for a few years now and we get together for playdates) moms called me to RSVP for the party and she asked if her daughter could attend the party also. (Daughter is three years older than the boys) I was put on the spot and said Yes, the daughter could attend as well. I assumed she didn't have anyone to stay with the daughter. Well, the day of the party came, and she brought her entire family, her, her DH, her DS and DD!!
I did the party at a My Gym and it was just DS and his school friends. All the moms stayed of course and than there was this other mom with her family of four. I bought pizzas for everyone but I just thought it was pretty rude to bring the family like that.
Fast forward to this July, she has her DS's party at a zoo. I wondered if she would extend an invitation to my other DS just out of curiousity really, only because of her inviting her daughter. She never extended an invitation, and the morning of the party she called me to make sure I knew where to meet. (She had forgotten to write the meeting location on the invitations) She called my cell number and she asked if I was driving to the party. I said No I was still home because I was waiting for the babysitter to come to watch my other DS. I guess I was shocked that she had the odacity to invite her whole family and than not extend an invitaiton to my other DS. She KNOWS my dh works on Saturdays and therefore, I would have to pay a sitter.
I guess I sound sour, lol, but it bothers me that she would have the nerve to bring her whole family and than when it is HER party to not include my ds. (babysitters run $15 per hour so for me to attend her party, it cost me $45 for the babysitter plus buying a gift for her DS)
No, I do NOT expect my other ds to be included in parties, I always get a babysitter if need be BUT I was just so ticked off that she brought her whole family and than did not extend an invitation to my other DS.

 

[imthatgirl]

but wait a minute, she asked you if she could bring the girl and you said yes. so you cant get mad at that?
did you ask her if it was ok if you bring your other son? if you didnt ask then i cant see the problem. you didnt initially invite the girl, and she didnt initially invite your other son.
i dont see how she was wrong?

 

[Lilogirl]

but wait a minute, she asked you if she could bring the girl and you said yes. so you cant get mad at that?
did you ask her if it was ok if you bring your other son? if you didnt ask then i cant see the problem. you didnt initially invite the girl, and she didnt initially invite your other son.
i dont see how she was wrong?

She asked if she could bring a sister and brought a FAMILY. She asked if the sister could attend and then brought hubbie as well.

 

[imthatgirl]

She asked if she could bring a sister and brought a FAMILY. She asked if the sister could attend and then brought hubbie as well.

anytime you invite a child to a party you should expect that childs parents to attend as well. most families would only have 1 parent, but that doesnt always happen.

 

[Nie0214]

It sounds like you were being a little passive-agressive. You were waiting for her to extend an invitation because it was a big deal to you, but she probably hadn't even thought about your son's birthday party in four months because it wasn't a big deal to her.

I don't think you should be upset that you waited around for her to invite your other son (even trying to throw it out there "subtlely" that you were waiting for a babysitter). She probably didn't pick up the hint at all. She was probably completely oblivious that you were upset because she had no way of knowing that you were upset. If you wanted your other son to go, you should have asked like she did.

It's kind of like when a wife/girlfriend is mad at her husband/boyfriend and instead of just coming up and saying what they're upset about, they want the man to say exactly what she wants to hear (usually an apology), but he has zero clue that he even did anything.

She asked if she could bring a sister and brought a FAMILY. She asked if the sister could attend and then brought hubbie as well.

Is there some sort of unwritten rule that only a mother can attend a birthday party? I remember my birthday parties / my little brother's parties, usually both parents attended.

 

[Aliceacc]

Unless she was stuck for a sitter, or willing to pay for the daughter's participation, I think the original request was rude. If there were two parents free, one of them should have been watching the daughter so the OP didn't pay for a guest she never planned to invite.

When one of my kids has a party to go to and my husband is working, I pay a sitter.

 

[tlbwriter]

Is there some sort of unwritten rule that only a mother can attend a birthday party? I remember my birthday parties / my little brother's parties, usually both parents attended.

One person was invited to the party. She asked if a second person could attend. That's rude. She actually brought three extra people, and apparently expected pizza for all of them. That's even more rude.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

Unless she was stuck for a sitter, or willing to pay for the daughter's participation, I think the original request was rude. If there were two parents free, one of them should have been watching the daughter so the OP didn't pay for a guest she never planned to invite.

When one of my kids has a party to go to and my husband is working, I pay a sitter.[/
Exactly. I have no problem paying for a sitter either. What I am trying to say, I think that it is RUDE to ask if a sibling to attend in the first place. And I think it is even ruder to bring an entire family. This was a party at a My Gym.
I would never ask to bring a sibling, that is rude in my book because than the birthday childs parents have to pay for the sibling.
I am not passive aggressive at all. I just think that she was rude and was surprised when she didn't extend an invitation to my ds knowing that my Dh works on Saturdays, That is all I am trying to say.

 

[imthatgirl]

Exactly. I have no problem paying for a sitter either. What I am trying to say, I think that it is RUDE to ask if a sibling to attend in the first place. And I think it is even ruder to bring an entire family. This was a party at a My Gym.
I would never ask to bring a sibling, that is rude in my book because than the birthday childs parents have to pay for the sibling.
I am not passive aggressive at all. I just think that she was rude and was surprised when she didn't extend an invitation to my ds knowing that my Dh works on Saturdays, That is all I am trying to say.[/QUOTE]


then you should have told the woman, no.

 

[Nie0214]

One person was invited to the party. She asked if a second person could attend. That's rude. She actually brought three extra people, and apparently expected pizza for all of them. That's even more rude.

I agree that it's rude to expect pizza for the four of them, but I don't believe it was rude of her to ask for her daughter to attend. The OP had an opportunity and the right to say "no". In fact, I think it was quite responsible of the mother to ask to bring her daughter first, so many people today wouldn't have thought twice about just showing up.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I too think you should of asked her if you could bring DS if you wanted to feel like the debt for bringing her whole family was paid. There was no way for her to know that you were upset about bringing her family unless you told her.

I just don't understand this NO Siblings stuff....Maybe because my kids are still young, but I pretty much invite and include siblings if they want.... whoever wants to come.... Its nice they want to share my kids birthday. Its not like a wedding or something..Its pizza.

 

[carj]

I think that while in the Miss Manners rule book what she did was rude and incorrect, it depends on your relationship. You said that you get together for playdates. Does that mean that all the children get together, or do you leave your son and she leaves her daughter out of the playdate? Maybe she was puzzled as to why you were excluding her daughter from the original party. (I don't mean that you were trying to be mean to her daughter, but maybe her perspective on birthday parties is different than yours.) I know that birthday parties are family and friend events for us.

I personally don't have the time, energy, money or desire to hire a babysitter to watch one child while the other attends a party. I wouldn't expect anyone else to do that. With two kids we get invited to about 5 birthday parties a month. We can't attend them all. I do leave one kid with my DH sometimes but unless it was a very special reason, I would not hire a babysitter so I could take one kid to a birthday party. $25 for a babysitter, $20 for a gift, that is a little crazy.

I always ask that parents RSVP and when they do, I explain what we will be doing and ask if they are bringing any siblings. You are certainly not required to do that. I'm sure as they get older, this will change. They are 7 and 5. I don't ask to bring the other child but most people ask the other child, does that make sense?

If we know a family, well enough to know that there is a sibling, I always invite the sibling. That means that there will be kids of different ages but that is not a bad thing, at least in my opinion. You were right that she shouldn't have asked to bring the other child, but maybe she thought that you were good enough friends that she could ask. Maybe she assumed that you would bring your son to her son's party?

It sounds like this was very upsetting for you. I can understand that your feelings were hurt. I think that maybe you and the other mom were just looking at the situation completely differently. I hope that if you enjoy her company otherwise, that you can get past this and enjoy your friendship. Best wishes!

 

[imthatgirl]

I too think you should of asked her if you could bring DS if you wanted to feel like the debt for bringing her whole family was paid. There was no way for her to know that you were upset about bringing her family unless you told her.

I just don't understand this NO Siblings stuff....Maybe because my kids are still young, but I pretty much invite and include siblings if they want.... whoever wants to come.... Its nice they want to share my kids birthday. Its not like a wedding or something..Its pizza.

we do the same, my kids are 8,4 and 3. when we have a party the invite goes to the whole family.

 

[Aliceacc]

When I host a party in my yard or my house, I don't care who attends.

But when, as in the original post, I host a party out, it does matter. Each additional child is another $15 or so; that's an awful lot of money spent on people the birthday boy never intended to have at his party. Had the parents planned on spending the extra money, the birthday boy could have invited more of HIS friends.

 

[mjkacmom]

I too think you should of asked her if you could bring DS if you wanted to feel like the debt for bringing her whole family was paid. There was no way for her to know that you were upset about bringing her family unless you told her.

I just don't understand this NO Siblings stuff....Maybe because my kids are still young, but I pretty much invite and include siblings if they want.... whoever wants to come.... Its nice they want to share my kids birthday. Its not like a wedding or something..Its pizza.

Even if it costs an extra $15 - $20 a head? Since the OP's party was out, I'm sure she had to pay for the sibling. Since both parents were there, they obviously weren't short a sitter. I never ask to bring siblings, and when my b/g twins are in school, in different classrooms, I will never ask for one of them to be invited if they were not.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I usually include siblings in the count when planning..yes.

When they RSVP, I extend the offer to the parents to bring along the siblings if they think they would like it...and then I get my count based on that discussion.

I guess I wouldn't ask "Can I bring a sibling"..Maybe I would of worded it.."Are siblings okay?.. If not, then you gotta be prepared to say..nope and here's why..its $xx a head..and I'm only allowed 20 or whatever.. If you say okay..then its okay.

I'm not sure you can say there is some unwritten rule that its taboo to ask about siblings.. for some its okay, for some its not.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Just wanted to second that around here...people wouldn't think twice about bringing siblings and both parents to a birthday party. I have actually been asked several times if my DH was "feeling ok" because he didn't accompany me to a child's bday party When I have a bday party, I always assume both parents and any siblings will be attending so I adjust the guest list accordingly.

 

[Aliceacc]

Maybe it's a regional thing.

Here, if a name in not on the invitation, he or she is not invited. Whether it's a wedding or a 3 year old's birthday party, the names of those invited are on the invitation.

My youngest starts kindergarten next month. Like her brother and sister, her kindergarten birthday party will include ALL her classmates as well as her 3 young cousins, and be held at the local Saf-T-Swim. Twenty-something kids can have a LOT of siblings, and the party accomodates 25 for the basic fee. If everyone I invites RSVPs yes, I'll happily pay for the 2 or 3 extra kids. But I have no intention of paying extra for 10 or 12 siblings.

 

[emma'smom]

I wouldn't just think that siblings were included in an invite...nor would I expect them to attend (unless it has been worked out ahead of time). Most parties that are "out" are for a limited number of children (usually 12-15). We carefully make a list of the most appropriate 15 guests...and that's it.

At my dd's 6th party at a cooking school, that was the limit. 15 kids and two adults....any more bodies in the room would have been too many and the cookie school wouldn't have allowed them to stay. The contract clearly says no little siblings (toddlers) allowed (even for the birthday child).

Now, in a few cases...the list of 15 did include siblings if we knew it would leave someone out if they weren't included---but then both sibs were actually invited and on the guest list.

 

[rt2dz]

I’m sorry, but unless the invitation is addressed to the family or says “siblings welcome” they should not be brought. There is the cost of the venue. There is the cost of the food (adults & children). There is cost of goody bags. There is extra work of entertainment.

It’s great when family and siblings are welcomed, but one should never assume that they are. I don’t have a problem when parents ask if they can bring a sibling when in a tight spot, but I do have a problem with them assuming. I also think that people should offer to pay for their extra children under those circumstances. It all adds up.

Sometimes I think people have forgotten good, old fashioned manners. That is not a good thing.

And, for the record, I do understand how difficult it can be—I have 3 kids of my own. The oldest has had parties where the siblings are not invited. My younger two have not; “Siblings Welcome” goes on the invite. It’s all about what they choose to do and who they choose to invite.