OT Miscarriage and now SIL is expecting.

[#1 Pocahontas]

I'm sorry this is so off topic for a Disney board. I am need of advice on how to deal with a situation. My friends just tell me what they think I want to hear.

I miscarried my third child this fall. I was incredibly sad of course but I thought I was doing alright. I just found out today that my SIL is expecting her third child and she is due the same month I was due. I am heartbroken and devastated. I know that I am supposed to feel happy for them but I just don't. I am an emotional wreck. I am dreading the upcoming months having to watch the excitement. It was bad enough to loose my child but now I get to watch someone else have what I was supposed to have. I feel like every time I see that child I will be reminded that I should have had one that age, or mine would be doing that....

I'm sure I sound pretty selfish and jealous but I can't help feeling angry and sad. Right now I don't want to see them because I know that I will end up an emotional crying mess. But I can't avoid them with the holiday's coming and they are supposed to come to our house on Wed. for my daughter's birthday.

I don't know if it's just going to take time for the pain to go away. I would love any (kind) advice if anyone has some on how to deal with an issue like this. I don't want to be the angry bitter person throughout all the family holiday get togethers.

Thanks for listening.

 

[mjkacmom]

I got pregnant (not planned) around the same time as 2 of my gf's, who both had been trying for years. By 8 weeks, both had m/c. I felt horrible. I certainly downplayed my pregnancy. One went on to have 2 more children (took 10 years), and one never had a child until she divorced, and remarried.

Does your SIL know about your m/c's? If not, explain the situation - I'm sure she will be very understanding. You have every right to your feelings.

 

[scottish mum]

I've been in the opposite, My SIL and myself were pregnant at teh same time and SIL miscarried. It was really awkward for me and upsetting for her. We both didn't know what to say and do with each other. In the end we just had to tell each other how we are feeling, yes she was envious of me and I felt guilty that I was still pregnant. we got through it together and now my son is 8 yrs old and he is so close to his auntie and she dotes on him. I have 2 other kids but she seems to have a special bond with him. She said she thought it would hurt to see him grow up but now she thinks its a comfort to be so close to him. Of course everyone is different but I hope you can get the same positive outcome that we have been able to achieve.

 

[3boys4me]

I've been in the opposite, My SIL and myself were pregnant at teh same time and SIL miscarried. It was really awkward for me and upsetting for her. We both didn't know what to say and do with each other. In the end we just had to tell each other how we are feeling, yes she was envious of me and I felt guilty that I was still pregnant. we got through it together and now my son is 8 yrs old and he is so close to his auntie and she dotes on him. I have 2 other kids but she seems to have a special bond with him. She said she thought it would hurt to see him grow up but now she thinks its a comfort to be so close to him. Of course everyone is different but I hope you can get the same positive outcome that we have been able to achieve.

I love that.

 

[Poohchum]

I think that it takes time to get over a miscarriage. Your feelings are very common to those of us who have gone through the experience. Your feelings are both reasonable and valid. Unfortuately, many people do not understand all that you have been through.

My suggestion is that you discuss your feelings with someone who you trust who will be at the get together. Your husband would be the best choice, but if he not understanding where you are in the healing process, have someone else be near you the entire time. Create a signal to indicate if something in the conversation makes you feel sad or uncomfortable. If need-be, give the signal, then have the other person call you out of the room and give you a hug. However, if you feel that no one at the get together will understand, don't go. Make plans with supportive people to engage in another activity.

I am thinnking about you and praying for you. May you heal at your own pace and your own way, but realize others are sympathic towards you.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I had m/c before my first DS. We had a bit of a hard time getting pregnant, and then I m/c about 7 weeks in early April. DH's cousin, who (at the time, in my mind) always seemed to do things better than me, or one-up me, or whatever you want to say, announced her pregnancy a week or two later, and I thought I was going to die. They live in a different state, and we only see them a couple times a year, so that wasn't too bad, after the initial shock.

However, a lady that worked in a different part of my office announced her pregnancy, and her due date was a week after mine had been. It's not the same as a family menber, but I saw her every day, five days a week, and I had to watch her progress. She didn't know I had m/c, only one person at work knew, but it was very hard for me.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal. Don't make yourself feel bad about it. Does your SIL know what happened? If not, I would encourage you to tell her, and as soon as you see her. Hopefully, she will understand, or at least sympathize, and she'll know why you aren't excited for her right now. I hope this doesn't come across in a way I don't mean for it to, but try to remember that it's not her fault; I struggled with that.

Don't push yourself right now to do more than you can. If you can't be around her, then stay away until the pain has started to ease up. As far as seeing her child later and remembering what happened, you very well could. For me, it has been 11 years, but I do still think of it at times. It will never completely go away, but the raw pain will lessen.

I hope this helps, please take care of yourself.

Steph

 

[MommaSue]

My story is amost identical to Scottish Mom's.....my SIL and I were due 2 days apart. She miscarried about 2 months into her pregnancy. Things were very strained throughout the remainder of my pregnancy - she didn't really want to see me, and I was feeling terribly guilty. We had a good talk when I was about 7 months along. It helped a bit, but it was still very difficult for her to see me. We weren't really able to 'heal' our relationship until after my DS was born.

I think you should have a talk with her, especially if she already knows about your miscarriage. She is probably feeling terrible and doesn't really know what to say (that's how I felt anyway). It may not 'fix' your feelings right now, but at least it will keep communication lines open between the two of you.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I was pregant with #2 the same time as DBF.I had a late 2nd trimester miscarrage. It was tough and sometimes emotional but I refused to let my feeling disminish my DBF's joy. Yes, It did hurt to go to the hospital to see her son when I should have been here almost the very same time, but I did. DBF was VERY sensitive to the issue and it did not take long for me to totaly fall in love with her son. He is 14 now and we have this amazing relationship. He does not know about the baby I lost but one day I will tell him. It is fine to feel whatever feelings you have but try not to let them change the relationship you have with your SIL or her new little one.
Prayer for peace.

 

[acpalmer]

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine the pain that would cause.

I, like others have posted, have been on the other side--I was the pg one when a very dear friend miscarried. My advice is to please talk to her and get your feelings out in the open. My friend refused to talk to me and I was left not knowing how to act or whether she was OK with my talking about any baby related issues, etc. and because all those feelings built up inside her, when she did finally decide to talk to me it was to tell me I was a "selfish b***h" for allowing my pregnancy to continue while she was in pain. I can't imagine that she really would have wanted me to do something to end that pregnancy because hers had ended, but honestly, the relationship never recovered and we haven't spoken in years (my son is now nearly 9). Don't let that happen to you--please talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they are what they are and you have a right to them. But I truly believe that being open and honest and maybe develop a system of some sort with her regarding when you are or are not up to hearing baby related talk, etc. or when you thought you were OK to hear it and now you realize maybe not today and so forth and go that way. I obviously don't know your SIL but I have to believe that she is probably feeling miserable right now that she ever had to tell you about her pregnancy--I know that's how I felt in that situation--and she would love to know how she can go forward with you.

My thoughts are with you--it may be a long holiday season.

 

[MariDisney]

Hugs to you. One of my best friends and I had the same due date. I had a miscarriage, and her son is now 6.5. It was extremely painful to me throughout her pregnancy and the early part of his life. I would advise you to talk about your feelings. Don't worry that you "should" feel happy for someone. You can't really right now. Later, you will. You will also learn to be happy for someone else and sad for yourself at the same time. That will take awhile! It might be much later.

With my friend, I am reminded every birthday he has or with every new adventure (he just started cub scouts) of my loss. It is still sad to me. But, I have learned to deal with it.

I wish I could take some of the pain away for you. Just let yourself go through what you need to go through. "Fake it" when you have to (Christmas, etc.) but know that it is OK to lose it at home.

 

[GAMC369]

Hugs!

I miscarried my second pregnancy and was devastated. Everything you are feeling is completely normal! It takes time to move on. Even though I've had a normal pregnancy and healthy child since the miscarriage I still have days where I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't lost a baby. What age they would be now....would it have been the little girl my heart longs for...all those kind of questions. The memory doesn't go away but over time you do learn to accept what happened and move beyond it. Don't feel silly or stupid if you do cry at a family event. Just excuse yourself and regain your composure. What happened to you is sad and it's wrong for anyone to expect you to bottle up those feelings. Just don't let it get you down day after day. Healthy wonderful pregnancies DO happen after a loss and you could be pregnant again very soon.

 

[cogero]

number one it is okay to be sad and jealous and even angry. You are grieving. you do need to talk to her. loosing a baby via miscarriage is devasting experience. you will never forget and you will get through it and learn to deal. I have had 3 miscarriages and I remember each and everyone of my little angels. I have had rude comments said to me.

I feel for you tremendously. I am betting that your SIL doesnt know what to say and is feeling awkward. Good luck and I will be thinking of you.

 

[ZPT1022]

I'm sorry for your loss. I've been through similar feelings, both during my time with infertility treatments and also after my miscarriage. There's really nothing but time that makes it easier. My DH didn't completely understand it but he was supportive. I had to skip some baby showers and such because it was just too hard to deal with. I didn't really get into it with anyone, just conveniently had other stuff going on, but still. It's hard, especially over the holidays which can be stressful anyhow. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I'm sorry this is so off topic for a Disney board. I am need of advice on how to deal with a situation. My friends just tell me what they think I want to hear.

I miscarried my third child this fall. I was incredibly sad of course but I thought I was doing alright. I just found out today that my SIL is expecting her third child and she is due the same month I was due. I am heartbroken and devastated. I know that I am supposed to feel happy for them but I just don't. I am an emotional wreck. I am dreading the upcoming months having to watch the excitement. It was bad enough to loose my child but now I get to watch someone else have what I was supposed to have. I feel like every time I see that child I will be reminded that I should have had one that age, or mine would be doing that....

I'm sure I sound pretty selfish and jealous but I can't help feeling angry and sad. Right now I don't want to see them because I know that I will end up an emotional crying mess. But I can't avoid them with the holiday's coming and they are supposed to come to our house on Wed. for my daughter's birthday.

I don't know if it's just going to take time for the pain to go away. I would love any (kind) advice if anyone has some on how to deal with an issue like this. I don't want to be the angry bitter person throughout all the family holiday get togethers.

Thanks for listening.

I am SO SORRY for your loss. I truly understand. I too lost a child, my little girl...beyond heartbreaking .........
PLEASE don't be hard on yourself, emotionally it can take a LONG while to even "feel" yourself.....it is so difficult but it will become less painful. I have a fertile myrtle of a SIL myself...every time I turned it felt like she was expecting...and she basically was...it was NOT easy...but that precious child that is expected is a gentle reminder of what a special gift to us ALL children are. You are in a place that is not easy right now....You have to do what you have to do to deal with it, it is understandable. I wish I had those magic words to have it all "worked out" but sadly I do not.
Know that we here on the DIS are here for You, so please hang in there, take one day at a time and know that we're hear to listen if you need us! Again, so sorry!!

 

[t2simon]

I haven't posted to any of the boards for so long, but felt compelled to respond to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my angel Christine at 41 weeks, in Feb. 1998.

It will take time for you to heal from this. Don't be afraid to just feel what you feel, and please don't let others make you feel guilty for being sad, or angry, or whatever. Give yourself permission to grieve as you need to, for as long as you need to. And, like others said, please talk to your SIL about your feelings and your loss, if you haven't already. It will be hard to be around her, but if you need to, just excuse yourself (if you can).

All I can tell you is it WILL get better. I still cry and long for Christine, but I know I have my angel to watch over me, her father and little brother.

I hope this doesn't seem to rambling. I just want to send you a and let you know you are not alone.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't have any good advice, just lots of hugs and a promise that it does get easier.

I had several miscarriages when we were trying for our third, and it seemed like everyone we know had a baby that year but me. My BFF had her DD around the time my 2nd miscarriage would have been due, my BIL's girlfriend had my nephew the next month, and my SIL had her youngest the month our last miscarriage would have been due. The last was especially difficult because 1) the baby was born a few days after Christmas and 2) we decided after that miscarriage that we couldn't keep trying. All I can say is that it does get better with time, and hopefully someday soon you'll have a successful pregnancy to help the healing process along.

 

[BoogasMom]

I think that it takes time to get over a miscarriage. Your feelings are very common to those of us who have gone through the experience. Your feelings are both reasonable and valid. Unfortuately, many people do not understand all that you have been through.

This is so true. Only those of us who have been there and done that can understand your feelings. You are very normal to feel that way. How could you not? You are still grieving over the loss of your own baby.

I cried as I was reading your post because I only a few weeks ago miscarried our third baby. I actually talked about my surprise pregnancy here on these boards. This pregnancy was different from my other two because I am a cancer survivor and went through high dose chemotherapy back in 2005, was told by an infertility specialist in July that my ovaries were not working and would likely never work properly, found I was pregnant almost by accident and then less than a week later awoke to find I was miscarrying. I was devastated and, yes, no one truly understands what you are feeling other than those of us who have been through the same thing. Reading your experiences have really touched me. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this....please know I will be praying for you.

Amy

 

[disney_family_1247]

I think you have to allow yourself the grief you are feeling and don't harbor any guilt for it. You also have to keep those feelings away from them You are allowed to feel sad and they are allowed to have joy in this situation.

We are trying to adopt a baby and were chosen by an expectant mother. She changed her mind, and the very week that we found that out, my sister called me hysterical because she was unexpectedly pregnant. I took her to the doctor the very day we had hoped "our" baby was going to be born. At home, I cried and was sad with my husband, but with my sister, we talked about her situation, not mine. Sometimes it really sucks to be a grown up.

 

[kpm76]

I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried a few months ago and my sister and I were both pregnant and due a week apart. Her pregnancy is progressing well, thank God, but there have been some tough moments for me. She had an u/s a few weeks ago and was talking about seeing the baby's hand move and I burst into tears. It was so unexpected and I apologized profusely, but I guess it's all part of the grieving process. I can only imagine how tough it is for my sister to know that I experienced this loss while she is still prganant. This is her first pregnancy and we have a DD, so I try my best to make sure this experience is positive and joyful for her....she deserves it and I love her very much.

I wish you the peace you deserve

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I'm SO sorry for your loss. I've been there myself, it's traumatic. I still cry about it, and it's been about a year now. Your feelings are totally normal, you're not selfish. Avoid them, do what you need to do for yourself. YOU come first. I avoided many people, for a long time..some I'm still avoiding. Baby showers? Heck no. I still feel like I want to crawl under a rock and vomit when someone announces their pregnancy. It's such a hard time, but you're going to get through this. Just do what you can to preserve your sanity, even if it means ducking out of certain family holiday events. (Yes, you can!)

I wish you the best, and here are lots of hugs.