OT Miscarriage and now SIL is expecting.

[ZPT1022]

I'm SO sorry for your loss. I've been there myself, it's traumatic. I still cry about it, and it's been about a year now. Your feelings are totally normal, you're not selfish. Avoid them, do what you need to do for yourself. YOU come first. I avoided many people, for a long time..some I'm still avoiding. Baby showers? Heck no. I still feel like I want to crawl under a rock and vomit when someone announces their pregnancy. It's such a hard time, but you're going to get through this. Just do what you can to preserve your sanity, even if it means ducking out of certain family holiday events. (Yes, you can!)

I wish you the best, and here are lots of hugs.

The only one whose pregnancy didn't bother me was a friend who had also been through similar struggles. I realize that not everyone shares their struggle to conceive/ stay pregnant but some of the pregnancies were just ridiculous- a cousin who was broken up from his girlfriend and they "hooked up" one night and she got pregnant, the teen up the street from my mom, the overly fertile friend pregnant with her third "oops", etc, etc.... I just could not deal with it. It's totally irrational but most of the infertility and miscarriage journey is

 

[Mrs. Charming]

The only one whose pregnancy didn't bother me was a friend who had also been through similar struggles. I realize that not everyone shares their struggle to conceive/ stay pregnant but some of the pregnancies were just ridiculous- a cousin who was broken up from his girlfriend and they "hooked up" one night and she got pregnant, the teen up the street from my mom, the overly fertile friend pregnant with her third "oops", etc, etc.... I just could not deal with it. It's totally irrational but most of the infertility and miscarriage journey is

I totally agree with you. It was somehow "different" if the woman had also suffered with infertility. Its hard to explain why... but it's just different. Like this one time, I was sitting in my RE's office, and this woman came in with a teeny little boy, maybe 6 weeks old. Normally I would have had to get up, walk away, and cry to myself. Instead, I just sat there and admired the little miracle because I knew the mom had gone through IVF... weird.

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

Thank you everyone for all your kind words!! I am sorry for those of you who have also experienced the loss. Some of your stories made me cry and I thank you for sharing them with me.

It's nice to hear from others that I can feel like this if I need to! My husband while he is supportive he just doesn't understand why I can't separate my pain from their excitement.

I actually went to a baby shower for an old friend last weekend. She was actually at the Dr's office when I found out I was expecting. It sucked having to buy a baby gift and go to a shower but I didn't break down. I was fine, sad but fine. I just think the fact that my SIL has almost the exact due date makes it worse.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice, well wishes, and support!! I appreciate it!!

It's also just nice to talk about it. Only a handful of my friends even knew I was pregnant.

 

[java]

You may surprise yourself. I too have had miscarriages. Several. And one was when my SIL was pregnant we were due a week apart. I thought it would be terrible. But honestly it wasn't.
I was happy for her. And surprisingly I ended up being pregnant again before she delivered so I was deeply happy when her Luke was born. Give yourself time. I still mourn the children I didn't have. (I am however blessed with 4 children) I wonder if I will get to meet them someday. There were 3 miscarriages for me. They all suck.

 

[koadoodle]

I have never posted here before but felt compelled to answer. I also can relate to your feeling. It took us 5 1/2 years and 4 miscarriages to have our beautiful DD. Those losses were unbearably difficult at times. I do remember my second one and my SIL being pregnant at the same time. It was hard to see her have no problems with her pregnancy and mine end. It also didn't help that they weren't even married when we started trying. It will be hard to see your SIL and that is ok. Walk out of the room if you have to. I will never forget the babies that I have lost and often think about how old they would be. I am a moderator on a wonderful recurrent miscarriage group on Facebook and also belong to several other miscarriage groups on Facebook. Feel free to check us out. If you have any other questions or just need some support, just let me know. I will send some prayers your way!

Michele

 

[luvmickey5374]

I am so sorry for your loss I know how hard it is. My DH have been together for 10 years and were never able to get pregnant. We became foster parents and adopted our 2 beautiful DD's and couldn't be happier! But still, I always wanted to have the experience just once...to feel that. I felt like as a woman I should have that right. My DH tried to be understanding but he couldn't fully put himself in my shoes. It seemed like all at once everyone was getting pregnant and beaming around me!! I could not be happy for anyone...I just couldn't...as horrible as I felt about it!! That's reality unfortunately, we are envious of what we can't have...its natural! What we need to do is take the time to look at it from the other side..I later figured out. No one wanted to talk to me about their joy because they didn't want to upset me, and I thought to myself how awful and uncomfortable it must be for the OTHER people. Feeling like they were walking on eggshells when they didn't do anything wrong!! Of course it hurts like heck, and its hard to be happy for people, but its hard for them too I'm sure your SIL is heartbroken about it and most likely very scared to hurt you even more. If you have a close relationship, you may want to talk it out so that you can start the healing now. I wish you joy and hope that this doesn't ruin the holidays or the relationship in your family

 

[alohamom]

your situation touched me beyond belief. I too had a miscarriage but on the day my SIL gave birth to her 4th child. For me, it was a first pregnancy and we had been trying thu infertility treatments for about a year at that point. I will never forget being on the phone with her as she was in labour and I was changing pad after pad and both of us crying and sobbing. Her son is now 13 turning 14 and my daughter is 12-I got pregnant again almost right away and had my wonderful beautiful angel of a daughter (and then my son after that).Many, many times I think about the child that I lost and what they might of been like or looked like but I always remember that if I hadn't lost that baby, I would never have had my daughter as she is now, she is smart, strong, funny, sweet, worships me and DH (she isnt quite a teenager yet so we will see how that changes) and I would never trade her for anything. You never know what is coming around the corner and what a difference a year can make. I wish you peace for this hard time but I totally understand any anger and resentment, remember the hormones dont exactly help in these situations either! Hang in there...

 

[WantToGoNow]

It will get easier over time. Maybe you should to talk to SIL and let her know how you are feeling. I've had 2 losses (and 3 children). The first loss was at 9.5 weeks and I had known for a few weeks that it was going to happen. From the day after I found out I was pregnant, I had bleeding on and off and was on bedrest more than I wasn't. I got pregnant with ds8 three months later. I got pregnant again when ds was 18 months old. There was a lady at church that was due 1 week before me. We spent a lot of time together in the church nursery. At 21.5 weeks, my baby girl Alyssa was stillborn. For a long time, it was hard talking with that woman and she couldn't even look me in the eye. She told my oldest dd that she just didn't know what to say to me. Maybe your SIL is like that. Alyssa was stillborn on January 20, 2003 - my youngest dd5 was born December 9, 2003 - just 10.5 months later.

 

[RSADP]

OP-- You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish that you heal and be strong during these holiday times. They are some of the hardest for me, so I sympathize with you.

IMO- I would try to talk to SIL and tell her how you are feeling. I have not had a m/c...but a sitution similar and I was just up front and asked my friend to please refrain from going into depth about the progress of her things.

God Bless!

 

[viviensmama]

I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. I experienced two losses before one stuck. You are by no means alone in how you are feeling. I will be praying for you.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I am sorry for your loss.

I think you have to allow yourself the grief you are feeling and don't harbor any guilt for it. You also have to keep those feelings away from them You are allowed to feel sad and they are allowed to have joy in this situation.

We are trying to adopt a baby and were chosen by an expectant mother. She changed her mind, and the very week that we found that out, my sister called me hysterical because she was unexpectedly pregnant. I took her to the doctor the very day we had hoped "our" baby was going to be born. At home, I cried and was sad with my husband, but with my sister, we talked about her situation, not mine. Sometimes it really sucks to be a grown up.

I think she has some really good points.

Here's my story. We had been trying for almost a year to get pregnant and had turned to fertility drugs to get our baby. Meanwhile my much younger sister and two much younger cousins all got pregnant. I was so excited for them but also so incredibly sad for me. However, I never let them know how sad I was. I shared that with my hubby and non-pregnant girlfriends. That would not have been fair for me to take away their joy at being pregnant. It was not their faults that I couldn't get pregnant. And I wanted to give them the same kind of reaction I wanted to get when it was my turn to share good news.

Shortly into the pregnancy my sister lost her baby. About 2 months later, we got pregnant. I knew she was still grieving so I was super careful how I told her and had already planned on letting her set the parameters for any baby conversations. Her response was an email telling me that I made her physically sick to look and that she would not talk to me or see me. Talk about a kick in the gut! I didn't expect her to be over the moon for me but I didn't expect that reaction. For the rest of my pregnancy she wouldn't talk to me, see me, celebrate my baby -- her niece -- , come to holiday gatherings when I was there, etc. Our relationship took a long time to heal.

My thoughts....grieve for your baby but try to find it in your heart to have some happiness for your SIL. I'm sure she's not expecting you to want to hear about every detail but this will be your niece or nephew. And like other posters have said, you may be able to find some comfort from this little one.

 

[Broadway Duchess]

OP, I just wanted to send your way. You are not being petty or selfish for feeling devastated right now. You have a right and a responsibility to yourself to feel what you feel and work your way through that.

I agree with all who have said that you should talk to you SIL about your feelings. She should be able to understand that you're grieving and you can both set parameters about what's off limits, etc., regarding the baby talk. She deserves to have people be happy for her, too, so be honest if you're just not having a good day, as some will be better than others.

Also, after reading all of the responses, I just wanted to extend prayers and good thoughts to all who have experienced this loss.

 

[kpm76]

I am sorry for your loss.



I think she has some really good points.

Here's my story. We had been trying for almost a year to get pregnant and had turned to fertility drugs to get our baby. Meanwhile my much younger sister and two much younger cousins all got pregnant. I was so excited for them but also so incredibly sad for me. However, I never let them know how sad I was. I shared that with my hubby and non-pregnant girlfriends. That would not have been fair for me to take away their joy at being pregnant. It was not their faults that I couldn't get pregnant. And I wanted to give them the same kind of reaction I wanted to get when it was my turn to share good news.

Shortly into the pregnancy my sister lost her baby. About 2 months later, we got pregnant. I knew she was still grieving so I was super careful how I told her and had already planned on letting her set the parameters for any baby conversations. Her response was an email telling me that I made her physically sick to look and that she would not talk to me or see me. Talk about a kick in the gut! I didn't expect her to be over the moon for me but I didn't expect that reaction. For the rest of my pregnancy she wouldn't talk to me, see me, celebrate my baby -- her niece -- , come to holiday gatherings when I was there, etc. Our relationship took a long time to heal.

My thoughts....grieve for your baby but try to find it in your heart to have some happiness for your SIL. I'm sure she's not expecting you to want to hear about every detail but this will be your niece or nephew. And like other posters have said, you may be able to find some comfort from this little one.

I am so sorry for the troubled relationship with your sister and I hoped it has healed My sister is 7 years younger than me so we never expected to be pregnant at the same time. When it happened, we thought it was such a blessing We even have the same OB and she was thrilled and joked that she would be busy this spring delivering our babies. When I learned of my miscarriage, it was devastating for both of us and I still feel awful about it because I know that my sister's pregnancy (this is her first) has been tainted a little because of my loss. We're very close and I talk openly to her about it when I need to and she talks to me about her pregnancy. We try to be there for each other. It not her fault I miscarried; it was God's will. We have a lot of faith and I know that has helped me arrive at a good place with the situation. This Thanksgiving I am most grateful for the gift of faith and acceptance. I have faith that my little one is a special angel for my daughter and I have accepted the loss as something that was just not meant to be and God had other plans for my angel. I wish all who have experienced a loss peace and acceptance.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I am so sorry for the troubled relationship with your sister and I hoped it has healed My sister is 7 years younger than me so we never expected to be pregnant at the same time. When it happened, we thought it was such a blessing We even have the same OB and she was thrilled and joked that she would be busy this spring delivering our babies. When I learned of my miscarriage, it was devastating for both of us and I still feel awful about it because I know that my sister's pregnancy (this is her first) has been tainted a little because of my loss. We're very close and I talk openly to her about it when I need to and she talks to me about her pregnancy. We try to be there for each other. It not her fault I miscarried; it was God's will. We have a lot of faith and I know that has helped me arrive at a good place with the situation. This Thanksgiving I am most grateful for the gift of faith and acceptance. I have faith that my little one is a special angel for my daughter and I have accepted the loss as something that was just not meant to be and God had other plans for my angel. I wish all who have experienced a loss peace and acceptance.

It sounds like you have a big heart and are looking at this with a caring spirit.

 

[kpm76]

It sounds like you have a big heart and are looking at this with a caring spirit.

Thanks, I'm trying. I think it's the big sister thing....as much as the loss was painful for me, I want to protect my sister and make sure she's ok. It's also her first pregnancy and I don't want her to forever remember it by my loss. It's such a special time and she deserves to enjoy it because as with everything in life it goes by fast.....

 

[sl_underwood]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been where you are. My husband and I went through multiple losses, including our son who was born premature and died shortly after his birth. My best friend (and coworker) delivered the day after. For the next 6 months, she brought her son to work every day. I heard him cry and I would leak milk. All our coworkers cooed over him, baby gifts, showers, etc. It was unbearable but it wasnt her fault. I wanted to be angry at her, I wanted someone to blame. Anger was my stage of grief that I stayed stuck in for a long time. I blamed her, blamed my husband, blamed myself, and finally blamed God. It took me years to grieve my loss and not feel anger every time someone I knew had a healthy baby. I couldnt have one and it was horrible. Somewhere along the line I made it through my grieving process. I became a foster parent, then adopted. I moved on with my life but I never managed to heal the relationships I damaged through my grief. Here are the things I have learned from my experience. You have the right to grieve, in fact, its important that you go through that process in order to heal. Most likely, you will always feel the loss, even if you go on to have half a dozen kids, and that too is okay. Dont let anyone tell you its not okay to grieve the loss of your child. Whether you lost a child who survived outside the womb or you lost the dream of having a child (even if you were never pregnant at all) it is still a loss and you have the right to grieve. You cant help the way you feel, sad, mad, etc. you have the right to feel this way. My only real suggestion is to find someone to talk to, someone who isnt involved, who you feel like you can share your grief and your anger with. My husband and I went to a grief counselor and it helped immensely. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me and I will give you my info. You arent alone in this.
Lora

 

[Halbleib1]

It takes time to move on from the loss of a child. You never actually get over it. Life does go on and it does get easier but it never truely goes away. Everyone handles it in a different way. I never miscarried so I can not comment on the emotions that go with that but I did lose a daughter at only 10 days old. She would have turned 9 this past July. It was hard for both my husband and I to see other people with there healthy babies. But over time it got easier and we decided to have another child. We have a son that just turned 5. While I was pregnant with him my sister was also pregnant and due a month after me. She miscarried at around 4 months. I am sure it was tough for her to see me and she probably still thinks about the child she lost when she sees my son. We live 4 hours apart so she does not see us that often. Which made it easier I am sure. Even though I know it must cause her pain she treats my son the same way she always has treated our other nieces and nephews. I was devestated for her as well because I was looking forward to our kids growing up together even though we do not live that close to each other. She is currently pregnant and is doing well. Life does move on but it takes time. Give yourself the time you need to heal. 9 years after the loss of my daughter I still get really depressed at times. I also am reminded of my daughter whenever I see another child her age. I think oh she would have been doing this or that and I wonder what she would have looked like. I also have an emptiness in my heart that can not be filled again. When you lose a child something breaks inside and it never does fully heal. But know that it does get better. I never thought that I would have days where I would not think about her at least once but I find that more and more I do have those days. More often than not.

As far as the holidays go with seeing your sister in law try to think positive and be grateful that she hopefully will never experience anything like what you have had to and that you will have a beautiful niece or nephew soon. Easier said than done I know. Definately explain the situation to her if she does not know about it already. I am sure none of your family wishes to prolong your grief. When I lost my daughter my whole family was devastated along with us and they did not know how to help us. I supressed most of my emotion when I was around them because I did not want to add to their pain. Esp. with my parents because we lived with them when she came home from the hospital and they took it really hard. While this might have made it easier on them it made it harder on me and my husband. If I had to do it all over again I would sit down and talk with my family about my feelings and get everything out in the open. Even still today my family has a hard time talking about my daughter to me because they do not want to upset me but I find it better to talk about her than to go on like she never existed.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

To the OP- I am very sorry for your loss. I think you have gotten some wonderful advice here, but unfortunately there isn't an easy fix to this situation. If your SIL is aware of your loss, she probably is grieving for you and may feel guilty that she is able to continue with her pregnanacy. It's difficult for everyone involved.

I'm on the other side of the coin. I got pregnant with my three kids very quickly and was extremely fortunate to have never had a miscarriage. My older sister has been struggling with infertility for several years and recently went through her third miscarraige. I know that seeing my three kids must be a reminder of the three that she has lost. I feel very guilty about how easily I had it, and I have a hard time talking to her about her loss because I just don't know what to say. But I continue to grieve very deeply for her and pray daily that she will be able to soon have a child of her own. If there is anything in this world that I could do to help her I would. However, I think right now all I can do is be there for her. I had considered adding a fourth child to our family, but I won't start trying until she is able to have one.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I had considered adding a fourth child to our family, but I won't start trying until she is able to have one.

It is obvious that you love your sister. I pray that she is able to have that baby she so deeply desires soon!

However, the above quoted line made me pause. If you want a fourth child, then please have a fourth child. As awful as it is that your sister can't have a baby yet, you shouldn't not have another one because of it. This is like saying "I won't get married because my sister isn't married yet" or "I won't take a job because my brother doesn't have a job", etc. Bad things happen to people in life but that doesn't mean that those around them have to stop living or doing what they want. You wouldn't be having a baby to spite your sister. You would be having the baby because you and your husband want to have a baby.

 

[bdiddy]

I was in your exact situation twice. Both times was with the same SIL. I had two miscarriages one at 10 wks and the other at 3.5 months. Both times she announced her pregnancy just after my miscarriage. The 2nd one they actually didn't tell us for awhile because the 3.5 month miscarriage was VERY traumatic and they were trying to spare our feelings.

You just have to try to be positive and I know this is the cliche but I really believe that things happen for a reason and I see that now in hindsight. You weren't meant to have those babies for some reason or another and there is probably another baby in your future just as there is for your sister.

I know it is hard to be around them and see her growing and you not but you just have to tough it out. It isn't fair to her to be distant from them or let it affect your feelings for your niece. It is ok to be sad and cry and feel miserable around it but also try really hard to put on a happy face when you are around them and I'm sure that eventually you will feel more happy about it.

Hang in there and I really think the pain lessons as time goes by. Try to focus on the healthy kids you do have and they'll get you through it! My kids did wonders on getting me over my sadness!

Good luck!