OT: Kindergartener fighting at school

[naomi78155]

Need to vent. My usually very well mannered five year old son was sent home with a disciplinary note from the principal. He got into a fight with another student. Usually, if it is something minor, they just don't get a smiley face on their chart.

On the way home from school he told me that the other student was a girl. I know this particular girl and she is somewhat of a bully, but I just threw me for a loop that he would hit/kick a girl. That is unacceptable in my book.

When we got home, I spanked him (please no flames) once for fighting and then once more for fighting with a girl. He is not allowed to play Wii for the rest of the week and no tv today, maybe tomorrow if his day goes better.

Also, he will be writing an apology note to both his teacher and the principal and will also be giving them a verbal apology at school tomorrow.

What else should I do? I do not want this to be a recurring problem.

Thanks. I really needed to vent.

 

[imthatgirl]

Well at his age hitting a girl is no different then hitting a boy, so I honestly wouldn't harp on that nor would I want him at this age to think one is worse then the other.

We all have own parenting techniques. I'm not sure teaching him that hitting is wrong by hitting him makes much sense, but if thats how things are handled in your house so be it.
He's a kid, kids do things wrong sometimes. Honestly if this was my child we would sit and have a talk about respect and then we would move on. If it happened again thats when I would put a punishment into effect.

 

[lathamary]

No flames, but the root of your problem is obvious. Why is it okay for you to hit him, but he can't hit others? That makes absolutely no sense. He's just following your example, Mom.

 

[bookgirl]

I think he'll get the message. You might want to go over the "what to do if you feel like hitting someone" message. Using words, going to the teacher, walking away and counting to ten before reacting, etc.

I would not flame for spanking since I have no problem with the occasional swat. But I would think that five punishments for one offense might overwhelm him. I think you should have picked one of two and left it at that. At this point any other punishment is just going to fry his brain and he'll be blocking it all out in a big blur of "I'm in trouble" angst. Leave off with what you've already done and just remind him tomorrow not to let his fists overide his brain.

 

[perpetualplanner]

Ignoring what you asked us to ignore, I agree that hitting a girl at that age is no different. I personally, as a mother of 2 boys, have taught them that if a girl hits them they can hit back. There are many girls that are as big a bully if not bigger than their boy counterparts and our children need to defend themselves either way. It is always best to have an adult intervene but not always possible. And yes...my son has hit a girl after she hit him and then shoved him and her father ended up apologizing to us.

 

[perpetualplanner]

Ignoring what you asked us to ignore, I agree that hitting a girl at that age is no different. I personally, as a mother of 2 boys, have taught them that if a girl hits them they can hit back. There are many girls that are as big a bully if not bigger than their boy counterparts and our children need to defend themselves either way. It is always best to have an adult intervene but not always possible. And yes...my son has hit a girl after she hit him and then shoved him and her father ended up apologizing to us.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I believe in natural consequences when possible, it makes it easier for the kid to get the point. at 5 I don't know that he'll really connect a punishment a week from now from an incident that probably took about 5 seconds today. I agree that training is in order, and an apology is appropriate, but I don't know that so many unrelated punishments is really necessary or productive.

 

[kathie859]

Like you, OP, I believe an occasional swat on the backside can be warranted; however, I don't think this is such a case! I think you are over-reacting or maybe we don't know the whole story. Who was the aggressor? What precipitated the physical altercation? My rule is that you don't hit ANYONE (girl or boy) unless you are defending yourself. Talking over the incident and discussing a better course of action if he's ever faced with a similar scenario is better. I concur that a good talk and loss of a priviledge for a day may make an impact on him. If this is a first incident--I think I'd wait to panic. Good luck--it's hard being a Mom.

 

[PinkRhombus]

I've told my children that I'm not going to punish them for defending themselves...EVER. I discourage them from letting things get to that point, but sometimes you can't help matters, and I'm not going to teach them to sit there and take it.

You said she was a bully...was this what was going on?

 

[MomRN]

I've told my children that I'm not going to punish them for defending themselves...EVER. I discourage them from letting things get to that point, but sometimes you can't help matters, and I'm not going to teach them to sit there and take it.

I think you have done enough. I am pro-spanking, but I'm not sure if it was used appropriately in this instance. However, to each their own.

What would I have done? I am a big fan of "choosing your punishment" and my son is almost 4. Throw a toy? Do you want me to throw it away or do you want to stand in the corner? Have a fight at school? Do you want to write a letter of apology or no tv?

But that's what we do and-right now- that's what works. Spankings are reserved for those life or death situations that it's important to emphasize a point immediately, and it's a big one. Taking off running towards traffic, letting go of my hand in traffic.... and those are the only couple of times I can think of, although I'm sure there have been more.

 

[Mathfailure]

I understand your concern.

The one and only time my son hit someone at school was in kindergarten.

I freaked out like you seem to have, but he told me as we were walking home together from the bus, and I just started to cry. I did not expect my sweet (to me!) boy to do this. He was shocked to say the least.

I went to school to find out
1. Why the teacher did not tell me!
2. To ask for my son to see the school counselor to see if this was an issue I needed to address. I put this in writing.

The teacher was totally great, reassured me she was not concerned it was more a poke in the arm and she felt was not a big deal.

The counselor observed my son in class, pulled him out for a chat on feelings and what to do when you are angry. She then met with me to say my son was not having anger issues, was age apportpiate, and a fine little boy.

I did over react looking back, but I am not sorry I did.

Could you go to the school as I did and see the counselor? My son still remembers the advice to hit a pillow when angry!

 

[ancestry]

No flames, but the root of your problem is obvious. Why is it okay for you to hit him, but he can't hit others? That makes absolutely no sense. He's just following your example, Mom.

Ditto. Not trying to flame either but hoping that perhaps you can see the contradiction here -- you are punishing him with physical violence because he inflicted physical violence on someone. He is only doing what you are teaching him. You don't know how else to handle it so you spank him. He didn't know how else to handle it so he hit her. It is the same thing.

 

[gisgt]

Ditto. Not trying to flame either but hoping that perhaps you can see the contradiction here -- you are punishing him with physical violence because he inflicted physical violence on someone. He is only doing what you are teaching him. You don't know how else to handle it so you spank him. He didn't know how else to handle it so he hit her. It is the same thing.

There's plenty of contradiction to see here beyond the spanking issue. How about all the 'it's not okay to fight, unless...' In my book, fighting is never justified & should be punished. And I don't think spanking is at all the same thing as fighting so I highly doubt the kid is confused about it. If that was the case, he would've given the girl a spank instead of a punch.

 

[princessmom29]

Ditto. Not trying to flame either but hoping that perhaps you can see the contradiction here -- you are punishing him with physical violence because he inflicted physical violence on someone. He is only doing what you are teaching him. You don't know how else to handle it so you spank him. He didn't know how else to handle it so he hit her. It is the same thing.

This argument has been batted around for years. I have never experienced the "coinfusion" everyone talks about from simply using spanking as a form of discipline. In my experience chlidren, spanked or not, who are not taught how to deal with conflict and disagreements, or are never shown a healthy way to express negative emotions are the ones that hit, not the kids who are spanked because they did something wrong. I don't see a correlation between the act of spanking and physically agressive behavior at all, in fact my experience with young children has been quite the opposite. Those who are disciplined consistently for aggressive behavior at home, wether with spanking or something else, are much less likley to act out physically than the child who is not corrected at home. I have never noticed a difference based on the form of discipline used. In my experiece, being spanked does not make a child any more likley to hit. I do see a correlation between inability to resolve conflict or express emotions and physically aggressive behavior.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't have an issue with you spanking him and I don't think it is sending a mixed message. There is a difference in a punishment and fighting. But, I do think one punishment would have been enough.

I also don't think "its never ok to fight" unless you think its ok for your kid to stand there and get punched. Defending yourself by hitting an agressor back is ok, in my book. And at this age many times that agressor is a girl. The not hitting a girl can come at a later age.

Your son will be fine, OP. I am sure he gets the message and will think twice before fighting again. I wouldn't count on it never happening again, but he'll think about before it happens next time and make sure that he is making the only choice he can.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I agree that hitting a girl at that age is no different.

We ran into a simliar problem with my son in Kindergarten, although it was a minor incident and not really fight. But, as a father, I made that he understand that it is never OK to hit girls.

 

[kamik86]

I'm a girl and never understood the "Don't hit girls" thing. I mean you shouldn't hit anyone that didn't hit you first, and you should be able to defend yourself against anyone that does hit you (female or not). I can punch as hard as many guys I know so I don't understand why it would be worse for someone to hit me then my husband.

 

[imthatgirl]

I'm a girl and never understood the "Don't hit girls" thing. I mean you shouldn't hit anyone that didn't hit you first, and you should be able to defend yourself against anyone that does hit you (female or not). I can punch as hard as many guys I know so I don't understand why it would be worse for someone to hit me then my husband.

I think people get this message confused when they teach it to their kids. Yes at the age of 16 a boy should know that he can't hit his girlfriend....but to teach them they have to take it from a little girl bully makes no sense to me either. At the age of 5 I think the message should be don't hit...anyone, and if you feel like you want to hit someone you need to go find a teacher to work through it. I certainly wouldn;t be confusing the situation by making one offense worse then the other.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

Sorry OP but I think you really went overboard.

I am not anti-spanking but really two spankings to teach him NOT to hit.

 

[gr8leg8]

The school district here offers Soul Shopp conflict resolution skills.

Kids are asked to resolve conflicts verbally.
Hitting, kicking, shoving are not ok.

"I feel <emotion word: mad, hurt, bad> when you <blank>"
the other student then must reply
"I hear that you feel <blank> when I <blank>"
the script is painted on the playground.

I work on the playground at lunch time.
We spend a lot of time on
What do you think you will do next time?

walk away, count to ten, use your words, etc.

Yes, this starts in Kindergarten.