OT - Intervention resources

[micheleq]

I need some help from the most resourceful people I know!

DH & I just came back from a weekend with his family, and it has become obvious that his older brother is on drugs and is in desperate need of help. He is an alcoholic, did 10 days of alcohol rehab four years ago (not long enough, he was drinking again within weeks), but now he is in a much darker place. We suspect prescription meds, but fear much worse. As a former teacher I've seen kids strung out on all kinds of drugs, and I fear he's into some heavy narcotics.

Two questions:
How does DH convince the rest of the family to stop turning the other way and participate in an intervention? Another sister in law is on board, but the rest of the family is in denial and does not like confrontations.

How do we go about finding the right intervention specialist? Do we call rehab centers in the area (they are outside Boston, the South Shore of Mass.)?

Any advice would be appreciated, posted or PM. We love him dearly and want to see him well again.

 

[brymolmom]

Welcome to heck....to speak frankly.

Every situation is unique and every situation is exactly the same in cases of addiction, I think you will find with time.

It has been my experience that you cannot convince family members (who may also be enablers) who choose to turn the other cheek or deny or enable to do anything but what they're going to do.

It has also been my experience that no amount of intervention can truly help an addict until he is ready to help himself.

You can help yourself and decide how you want to handle the situation as it pertains to you. But that is all. You can decide to do 'tough love' or you can decide to just keep as much distance as possible or you can decide to assist to whatever degree you're willing (are you willing to provide him a place to stay if it comes to it? Loan him money? Drive him to meetings?).

It takes an average of 7 rehabs for it to 'take' (actually until the addict is truly at rock bottom and ready for it to take). So if you do decide to get heavily invovled, just realize it is likely to be a long road.

Best of luck!

 

[Aliceacc]

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles.

I would imagine that a good first step would be to google al-anon.

It's for the families of alcoholics, but I would imagine they're well acquainted with a wide variety of addictions.

 

[kacaju]

I am truly sorry you are dealing with this. ((hugs))
My brother is an alcoholic, we did an intervention and years later he is back to drinking and my Mom is still enabling him. I have to agree with brymolmom.
The toughest thing I have learned from watching my family is you cannot control another's actions. He is doing this to himself, I am not responsible for my brother. I do however tell my Mom (more then once) when she dies, I will not take my brother into my house (I have 3 dd's that are my responsibility, I will not allow that type of behavior into my house)
He will someday be forced to be on his own, she can either take those steps now to see that he does, or he will sink or swim on his own once she dies.

My 40 year old alcoholic brother lives with Mom. He has never been completely on his own. He holds a full time job, he actually is a smart man. He made bad choices when he was younger. He refuses to take the steps to become independant. If he was a help to my Mom I may be more likely to help him out someday. He pays my mom *rent* when he feels like it. Takes HER car if he is running errands for *her* Like going food shopping, and he will always take money from her to shop, or he expects her to pay him back.

 

[micheleq]

Thank you all for the quick replies.

Since we don't live near my BIL it's easy for us to distance ourselves if needed. But, we love him, and I think DH now feels he needs to say something, anything. There's def. alot of enabling going on in the situation

Ugh. I feel bad for my DH and I want to support him first and foremost. I won't have any problem with tough love - I don't want my preschoolers to see their uncle in the state he was in this weekend.

 

[eaj1228]

Hugs. My prayers are with you, your family, and your brother in law.

My mother was addicted to prescription narcotics when I was a child and I wish someone in my family was brave enough or not in denial of her problem and tried to get her help. Time went on and she became addicted to meth. It has been awful to stand by and see her turn into a shell of her former self. I am not saying these things to scare you but I commend you on trying to help your BIL.

I wasn't at an intervention for my mother but I do know that churches are often good resources for council on this subject. I also suggest to only invite people to the intervention who are 100% on board with the plan. Tough love is a very difficult thing. My whole family is now on board with tough love for my mom. We know that we can't ever give her money the most we can give her is a bag of groceries.

I am not a particularly religious person but one thing that I have learned from living with an addict is The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You may not be able to convince your BIL to make the right choices for himself. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they acknowledge they even have a problem let alone they fact they need help.

 

[C.Ann]

Welcome to heck....to speak frankly.

Every situation is unique and every situation is exactly the same in cases of addiction, I think you will find with time.

It has been my experience that you cannot convince family members (who may also be enablers) who choose to turn the other cheek or deny or enable to do anything but what they're going to do.

It has also been my experience that no amount of intervention can truly help an addict until he is ready to help himself.

You can help yourself and decide how you want to handle the situation as it pertains to you. But that is all. You can decide to do 'tough love' or you can decide to just keep as much distance as possible or you can decide to assist to whatever degree you're willing (are you willing to provide him a place to stay if it comes to it? Loan him money? Drive him to meetings?).

It takes an average of 7 rehabs for it to 'take' (actually until the addict is truly at rock bottom and ready for it to take). So if you do decide to get heavily invovled, just realize it is likely to be a long road.

Best of luck!

I agree with all of this.. We are dealing with someone close (not a realtive) who started out as an alcoholic, has added prescription drugs, and now the heavy street drugs as well.. (Doing ALL of this at once - basically a "death wish" - although she doesn't see it that way..)

There have been rehab trips - interventions - tough love - you name it - but she just isn't interested and has no desire to change - not even for her two children..

Nothing you do will help - until the addict decides on his or her own that they want help.. Sorry..

 

[jettyspagetti]

You don"t have to wait for them to say they want help.If you think he may be in immeadiate danger of harming himself or others, there is an act called the MArchman act that is applicable in most states and allows you to petition the courts to have him evaluated and observed for up to 72 hours in cases of substance abuse. You can call your local heath dept or family doctor and they should be able to help you. I wish we would've know about this when we suspected alcoholism in a close family member, by the time they were ready for help it was too late and we lost someone we loved.
Best of luck to you in such a hard situation.

 

[tartemis]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We went through (and are still going through) a similar thing with my DH's family.

As other poster's mentioned, the sad truth is there is really nothing you can do to make the person change or to get other family members to change. My DH tried everything -- setting up doctor's appointments, sending literature, going home to try and set up interventions, etc. -- nothing worked. And each time it failled, my DH would feel even worse.

He is now in a place (about 5 years later) where he finally realized there is nothing he can do about it -- and now that we have children it has even solidified his decision to distance himself from them. He talks to his family on the phone, but he has not seen anyone (except his mother) in over a year. And I don't see it changing anytime soon. Honestly, it works much better this way, and DH is much happier.

If DH's brother, father and family would make the decision to change, we would help in an instance and welcome them back into our lives. Until then, however, we just simply refuse to expose our children to that lifestyle.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[micheleq]

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and advice. I wish none of us had to endure this from a loved one.

My first priority is my kids, and I agree with you tartemis that I cannot allow them to be around DBIL when he is like this.

Thanks for the prayer eaj1228! I'm not an overly religious person either, but I think it's an important message -- to learn what we can and cannot control.

My best wishes to all of you! I only wish I was asking questions about my next Disney trip