OT I need advice

[joolz1910]

I would allow her supervised access. Don't allow yourself to be bullied by this over-bearing woman! She is obviously used to getting her own way - you need to nip this in the bud or pretty soon Tyson will be a young man 'going along' with whatever Grandma wants, just to keep the peace. Like someone said - he is your son, what you say goes.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

This might sound harsh but the problem isn't your MIL. It is you and your dh's. From what you have posted there have been problems with her from day one and from day one your dh never stood up for you. I don't buy it that your dh doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to say anything because it is not a big deal to him. If it was then he would not hesitate.
Your dh put you in this position by not defending you and your child. He in effect has taught them how to treat you. You will get nowhere until you straighten things out with yor dh. Good luck- and I would stay away from the in laws.

 

[surfgirl]

I hear that you are worried how you will be made out to look... so if a problem happens, how will you reconcile that ? Also, don't you think that she treats others this way and they won't think that you are being a witch, but finally someone is standing up to her ? Do you really believe that others aren't aware of her manipulative and rude ways?

(btw, you aren't portraying your dh in a positive light. just might want to think about it. 1st, he lets your son roll off the bed. 2nd he lets his mother say anything and will roll over for the sake of peace 3rd he can't stand up for himself. wait, maybe that is the same as 2nd. It sounds like she can't stand another alpha female and that is much of the problem.)

 

[MegaDisney]

Hi OP.

Please get your behind over to this board PRONTO!
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_inlaws_and_foo_family_of...

These women will give it to you straight. Mouse House Mama is right- you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to realize that you and your son are his primary concern right now, and the two of you need to present a united front when it comes to your son. Until that happens, you will not get anywhere.

Good luck!

 

[maigheann]

I hate her.

Enough said.

Do you need anything from her? Do you owe her anything? If so, find another supplier or repay whatever it is. Do not interact with someone you feel this strongly about. Wait until you can say, "I don't like her", or "I am indifferent to her".

 

[DumboPrincess]

"At the root of most MIL problems are DuH who doesn't know how to enforce boundaries or draw the line for his parents and then hold it. "--this is quoted from a poster on the babycenter MIL board--(followed the link)

And it is SPOT on! OP, I have the same problem with my MIL, or shall I say with my DH. He does not know how to enforce boundries on her (or SIL, for that matter--little mini-MIL). We are in marriage counseling for it--and because DH's depression compounds the problem. To wrap it up for you--even our therapist point blank told DH that is mother is not considerate of others, esp. me, and seems to have no boundries. We are working on it, but it has to start with DH recognizing the problem. Because until HE does, it will be YOUR problem and he is on MIL's side. Being neutral (head in the sand) to avoid confrontation could /is putting your son in danger.

If he can't/won't stand up to MIL, take him to see a therapist ASAP, because eventually his siding with his dear mother (by not supporting you) will tear you guys apart.

Do you want YOUR son to grow up that way thinking it's ok to forsake his wife for his mother?

OP, obviously I feel very strongly about this b/c I live it, too. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

 

[BridetobeDisney]

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[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

How would you deal with an overdramatic horrible MIL?

I feel your pain.

1. You are Charlie Brown. She is Lucy. She puts the football down and tells you to kick it. You try and she pulls it out from under you. Over and over and over again. Find a copy of that cartoon, print it out, and stick it up on your fridge. Next time you're in contact with her (although see #2) any time she asks you something, look at that cartoon. Run it through the Lucy meter. Will you end up Charlie Brown again? If so, say no.

2. Life's too short to deal with crap like this. Cut her loose. Get counseling with DH before you cut her loose, so you can deal with this move as a united front as there will be a big drama storm on MIL's end.

3. The whole "I worry about what other people think". I have found that not worrying about what people think who mean NOTHING to me is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I live my life for me and the people I love, the rest of the world will forget about your drama as soon as something more interesting happens.

You will be stronger when you can delegate some of the weight of this burden that you are trying and failing to successfully carry all by yourself.

 

[joolz1910]

I know I'm not portraying DH very well. But this is the way he has always acted. I just talked to him again about it and he finally said something that surprised me. He said that he realizes his mom cares nothing about our marriage and if (hypothetically) we ever separated, she would be happy and glad she'd see her grandson more. He also said that my family would be sad and try to help us work things out. Also, he told me he knows he needs to stand up to her and he will handle it finally. He said he doesn't want us to fight anymore over things she's done to DS and us. I told him we shouldn't have a problem with each other. We should be a team. He agreed. Maybe he's seen the light.

Yes, he let DS fall off the bed. He fell asleep before tyson did. He had gotten up at 4 am to go to work and this was 10 pm at night. I should have been in there with them. I have a lot of guilt. I also really had to build back my trust for him to watch Tyson. Honestly I blame myself because he was sleepy and I still took him up on his offer to watch Tyson while I was doing lesson plans. I didn't do them in the bedroom because I needed a light and that would keep both of them awake. I was in my last semester of my B.S in education. I'm always with him now. This probably made me even more protective of him. Also, as far as he should be in a crib. The first 8 months of tyson's life we (DH, me and Tyson) slept in my parents living room. We had a bed, a crib, etc. My childhood bedroom was too small. It seemed that someone was always coming down into the kitchen to eat midnight snacks and get home late from getting groceries (It's there house they could do what they wanted. We were extremely appreciative. Pitched in around the house for anything we saw needed to be done. Kept our mouths closed because we were being taken care of. My parents are amazing. The reason we stayed in the living room for 8 months was because the basement apartment was not finished and my daddy was paying for it OOP little by little. He's a contractor so he did a lot of the work himself. When DS was little I would put him in the bed and just sit there until he went to sleep and then I'd move him to the crib. He didn't sleep with us. The kitchen light shown right into the crib and often times I would have to wait until everyone went to bed to put him in the crib. This is not an excuse for him to fall off the bed but I wanted to shed some light on the circumstances as to why he got use to going to sleep in our bed.

No, I don't owe her anything. They do nothing for us.(not that I ask or expect it LOL My parents help support us and we are fine) I do think she is jealous that we live with my family and my mom gets more access to DS.

I will go to the other website too. Thanks!!

You all have help me gain more courage. I've even told DH what ya'll think and he's agreeing he's been in the wrong. He's tired of her hurting Tyson and our marriage.

It is obvious that you feel guilty about what happened to Tyson - but accidents happen. We all want to keep our children safe and we do our best. It is a rare family where there isn't at least one trip to the hospital.

Good luck with your MIL. And keep working on your DH - presumably you married him because you love his laid-back, easy going ways. Sometimes what we love in others can also be the thing that most frustrates us.

 

[Jenvenza]

You are his mother and what she is doing is WRONG and not to mention dangerous! I would have been furious. My MIL and I get along most of the time, but there are times when she does something with my daughter and I will say something to her. You have got to stand your ground or this will continue to happen. I really feel for you. I know how difficult these situations can be.

 

[Erin1700]

I wouldn't let my MIL take my kids to the corner store by herself, so I understand where you are coming from! I just never let her with them alone. It is okay to do that, your kids come first.

My MIL just has no sense sometimes and I feel she drinks too much although everyone says she is fine. DH knows and respects that we not leave them with her.

 

[maigheann]

So when all this goes down the whole city is going to think I'm just a you know what. She'll tell everyone. But everyone also knows how she is and most take her for what she is. It's so uncomfortable going to the grocery store and getting stares from people she knows. Ultimately this is about DS. But she'll make it into me being overprotective. No one will know what she's done.

A person who rants on and on about her daughter in law, who actually has very little to say, will appear like a lunatic. I think you underestimate the amount of sympathy you might get from other parents, new or not, on the crime of being overprotective.

This is a true story: We go to church with a very nice, professional older couple (near retirement age, but not quite). Their granddaughter, a toddler, lives in town with this couple's son and DIL. Everyone loves each other, no feuding, etc. The young parents and their neighbors were all chatting one day outside on the lawn. Little girl is wandering around. She momentarily finds something interesting on the other neighbor's driveway. Other neighbor has no idea about this and proceeds to back his car out of his garage. Screams of horror and terror echo from all the viewing parties. "Stop!!!" The driver has windows rolled up, maybe radio on, for some reason does not hear or think anyone is talking to him. He drives over the little girl!! The most miraculous thing is that she suffered only a broken arm. Everyone else probably lost a day of their life witnessing this. The grandparents were very non-judgmental in relaying this story, just saying it was a miracle the girl was not seriously injured. Ask yourself if your MIL might also be as forgiving towards you, if you were the young parents in this story?

This was the day that:
1) I bought those reflective triangle emergency things. I put two on my driveway entrance anytime the kids are out. No one must drive in or out of my driveway when the kids are out.

2) I installed an easy-for-adult-to-defeat-real-lock on our interior (laundry) door leading to the garage. Everytime my dh or I leave the house w/o the kids, this door is locked behind us. I back into our garage 50% of the time. I had a bad vision that one day, one of the kids will get very excited hearing the garage door open indicating, "Mommy's home!", run into the garage to greet me, and get hit by *my* car. (If anyone is concerned with me installing a lock on the inside of my house, please understand. We have several redundant ways to defeat it in case of emergency and we have to exit, and for some reason, the only option is this door.)

3) Anytime my husband or I move either of the cars even one foot, the driver must be able to see the kids or know their exact location. We do not assume that the other parent "has got this."

Call me overprotective. Call me anything; I won't care.

 

[BridetobeDisney]

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[BridetobeDisney]

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[canuckandy]

Obviously you care alot for your family, and I think you're feeling desperate right now.
Please, do not rely on any of the thoughts and advice you see on this board, your family needs real counselling, NOW!
This is a very unfortunate situation, and in retrospect, you probably shouldn't have married the boy till he became a man.
However, you are obliged to your child to do everything you can to make it work.
I think that DH needs to know that, if he doesn't sharpen up quickly, he will be fighting in court for weekend visits, after he moves back in with his mum.
In the meantime, document everything. You may need dates, times locations...everything that MIL does keep records, if you can get some video, even better.
Your husband is married to you not his mother, so he'd better start acting like it.
Don't give up on your marriage yet, but I think a verbal warning would be helpful.
I think a counsellor, minister, rabbi maybe of benefit, too.
Best of luck to you and yours!

 

[Stacerita]

You have to do what is best for the safety of your child and what's best for your family. Personally, I wouldn't leave my child with her.

 

[la79al]

I don't want my child to be one of those tragic stories where the mom had her instincts not to leave him and she did it anyway.

OK

 

[bellebud]

i already posted, but wanted to add my kids are 7 and 9, and there are only a small handful of people i've ever asked to babysit. And even with that, i'm selective as to what/when/where... for instance, my mom has babysat, but I wouldn't let her take them out and about as toddlers/preschoolers. she asked if she could take them to mcdonalds, and I had to say no, as bad as I felt saying it. I just didn't think my mom had the reflexes and awareness to handle 2 very young kids in a public place. 30 years ago, sure, but not now. I trusted my girlfriends who had young kids themselves more than most family members, because the girlfriends were in the thick of things themselves, and mostly on the same page as far as safety things, etc, since we're all in the same generation. they were as aware as I was about cars, streets, public restrooms, etc. Of course my mom and mil probably love my kids more than anyone else, but that's a different issue. I say all this to remind you that you are in charge. Some may have thought I was being too overprotective, but I didn't care. My kids, my rules.

Stand firm for what your instincts are telling you. And it doesn't have to be confrontational either. You and your dh may get on the same page, but even if not, you can take control. Mothers are usually the ones making the plans anyway. I wouldn't do the 2yo pre-K either. Not necessary. Enjoy your time w/ him while he's little. There are so many ways to not have mil watch him... you're busy, you have a playdate, ds isn't feeling well, you won't be home, you have errands, don't answer the phone, etc. Of course being straightforward is the best way, but I'm a realist, and I know that can't always happen. And if you go the 'honest' route, it has to come from your dh.

Good luck! it's a hard situation.

 

[disney_family_1247]

I would stop leaving your son with this woman immediately. She runs a daycare? She sounds like an awful person to be in charge of children. He's your child, and if you feel his safety is threatened, then you have to put a stop to it. Tell your dh that they can see the baby when you are present.

My mil is very nice, but nuts. She once left the front door open and apparently didn't notice our two year old wander outside. When I realized she was gone, we started running all over the house because she can't open the door. It didn't occur to us that she was outside at first. Luckily, dh found her in the yard before she made it to the street or the pond behind the house. I sometimes wonder how he and his sisters made it to adulthood. Believe me, she has never babysat our kids.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

This is your child and you are resopnsible for his safety...which you obviously take very seriously, as should be. If you do not feel comfortable leaving him with MIL (or anyone) then you need to follow your instincts. Yes, children do not have to be wrapped in bubble wrap for protection, but as you know even simple accidents can have big owies. And vigilance does not diminish with the second, third or fifth (according to DFr who has 5, I only have 2).

As for your guilt of DS' accident...it was just that, an accident. DH didn't intentionally fall asleep before DS nor were you careless in doing your studies...you and DH are both responsible for DS and should care for him equally (imo). Accidents do happen and some are worse than others...we need to learn for them (which it seems like you and DH have) and move on.

MIL seems as though she would not have been happy with any woman your DH chose to spend his life with. Holding on to the past is just going to give you the stress, cause it's pretty obvious that she doesn't care much if she offendsyou or if you like her. My advice would be to just be as civil as possible with her. If she snaps and you feel it best to snap back, so be it (that is how I am ), if you want to let it run off your back then approach it that way. She may be jealous that you are now DH's everyday focus...one less to bow to her...so she takes the "opportunities" to they to pull him back into her disfunctional web.

It sounds like you and DH are on the right track now...on the same team. You need to "fight" the same battle, not each other. Ultimately YOUR family (you, DH, & DS) is your (you & DH) top priority.

And thanks for the update that couple who take wedding pictures before the cermony are doomed to divorce. Can you tell me when this is as I would really like to warn DH....nearly 7 year and going strong. Amazing what strong committment and communication can do.

Good luck on whatever you decide. Maybe limit visits for now until DS is a little older...not that he then wouldn't need supervision, but at least he wouldn't be as dependent for his needs to be met.

Enjoy your time as a SAHM. Preschool/PK isn't mandatory so if you (& DH) can/want to keep DS home you should, no matter what anyone says. I put DS in school at 3 and now regret not having the time with him. DD went to nursery school at 2 last year. This year I kept her home...I was a teacher so she is still learning, just cheaper and a whole lot more fun.