OT: Help, my daughter is getting overweight!

[brockash]

I don't think everyone understands. I wanted advice on what,if anything, I can do or say to help my daughter understand that she is getting a little heavy and do something about it before it is too late. 75% of Americans are overweight now so I don't understand why everyone is taking offense to this. Is it just becoming the new normal? There are so many health problems that come from being overweight, not to mention her back problem and surgery she had 2 years ago. I would never, in a million years, call my daughter fat to her face or say anything that would hurt her feelings. That is why I was asking for advice on what I can do. I like the idea of the wii fit. The only problem right now is my husbands hours are cut so money needs to be conserved. But I will keep it in mind. I"m also going to start limiting her tv and computer time.

I think pp have posted a lot of good alternatives, and I think everyone knows that you're not trying to make your DD feel bad, but like a PP said, even the comment about "it's easier to put on weight then to take it off" is way too much. Trust me, your dd was hurt by that comment. I think what ppl. are trying to tell you is to get away from the weight issue, because I agree that most likely yes, she will end up resenting you and could possibly have even more problems if comments like that continue... I get the problem with weight in America, but there's a better way, and it's a very slippery slope, especially with a teen. Good luck to you, but if it were me, I'd stay VERY far away from telling her it's easy to gain weight ect. and start concentrating on trying to get her to do more active things as a family ect.

 

[brockash]

To be completely frank, consider this - because most of the people in America are fat, you can bet that most of the people replying to your post are fat. They don't like the word. It is offensive to them. They prefer to think of themselves as "Pooh sized" or some such nonsense.

Fat people die young. Most would give almost anything to be a more healthy weight. Do what you need to do to wake up your daughter. You can make a difference, but not if you are afraid to be honest with her...

Out of curiousity, what is your issue with "fat" (overweight) ppl. I've run into multiple posts by you, where you seem to think the whole world and everything about it is about "fat" ppl. Do you have some sort of personal life experience?

The only reason I bring this up on this thread is because I think you're giving her really bad advice. I see that you're a guy, therefore were never a teen girl, and not a mom. I get that anyone can give advice, but I really feel that you're giving very bad advice about something that I can't imagine you'd have any real life experience at. Raising a teen son and raising a teen daughter can be very different and since you were never a teen girl, I can't imaging that you would know how her dd would feel.

Please understand this is not a personal attack; I'm just curious as to why you seem to have such an issue with ppl's weight, and I truly am concerned about the advice you're giving the OP.

 

[honugirl]

The first thing I'd do is talk to her. Ask her if she's feeling OK, is she fatigued? Does she get enough sleep at night? Take her to her doctor and get her hormones tested. If all that checks out, and is fine, then I would put her on a sensible eating plan and maybe a reward system for working out. Something like for every 30 minutes of exercise you do, you get one marble in the jar, once you get 20 marbles, she can have a manicure or something to pamper herself or a movie or something to get her motivated.

As someone who has fought her weight all her life and spent 15+ years with undiagnosed hormone issues, had someone sat down and really talked to me when I was a teenager about how I was feeling, I think I would have been in a lot better shape faster. The reason I watched so much TV was because I had no energy, exercise was the last thing I wanted to do and when I exercised, it made me that much more fatigued, rather than rejuvenating my body. I also craved fatty foods, still do when my hormones go nuts. When my hormones are at the right levels, healthy foods taste good to me. My depression, which also caused me to hole up in my room, was also caused by my hormone imbalances, so really, I was right in the middle of a firestorm that I couldn't get out of.

For all who would like to criticize me, and tell me that just eating right and exercising would have taken care of my problems, I have a rare endocrine disorder called Cushing's Disease. The statistics vary, but around 1 in every million people will get it. It destroys your body. You gain weight no matter what you eat. Exercise makes you gain weight because it causes a rise in cortisol which your body is already over producing. Cushing's also destroys the muscle in your body so that you can not burn calories like you used to. I had to have a tumor removed from my pituitary gland which was causing the overproduction and fluctuation in my hormone levels. We're waiting to see if it worked. So, while in many cases diet and exercise works, in some cases it doesn't and can make the problem worse. This is why I advocate anyone with a weight problem to get a full endocrine workup done.

 

[badblackpug]

When you call someone fat you imply that the conciously made the choice to be that way and that they are necessairly also lazy and apethetic about it. There is am implicit judgement made about the quality of a person, and believe a teen is aware of that.

I agree with this. What your teen hears when you are telling her "It is easy to put on weight, but hard to take it off." That she is "getting overweight." That she "looks heavy" is that you don't accept her and love her unconditionally. That she is less valued as a person. This may not be your intention, but this is the message she is receiving, and to a teen, who is probably insecure to start, this could have very bad effects. The phrase that she is starting to "look heavy" sends up a red flag that maybe you are less concerned with her health and more concerned with her appearance. It is very difficult to teach someone to love and respect themselves, and that beauty comes from within when the message you are sending is "you look bad, and that bothers me."

I agree with your husband. Be good role models. You say you don't keep junk food in the house, and that except for occasionally making cookies she doesn't really eat junk. (by the way, do you "monitor" other families "cookie intake" when cookies are made?" Singling out one persons intake and not others sends out the "Hey! You're fat! Don't eat that! message) It seems she is just too sedentary. As a PP has said, make it about the TV and computer, not about her weight. Set limits on TV and computer time and stick to it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Out of curiousity, what is your issue with "fat" (overweight) ppl. I've run into multiple posts by you, where you seem to think the whole world and everything about it is about "fat" ppl. Do you have some sort of personal life experience?

The only reason I bring this up on this thread is because I think you're giving her really bad advice. I see that you're a guy, therefore were never a teen girl, and not a mom. I get that anyone can give advice, but I really feel that you're giving very bad advice about something that I can't imagine you'd have any real life experience at. Raising a teen son and raising a teen daughter can be very different and since you were never a teen girl, I can't imaging that you would know how her dd would feel.

Please understand this is not a personal attack; I'm just curious as to why you seem to have such an issue with ppl's weight, and I truly am concerned about the advice you're giving the OP.

I agree that boys and girls are different (thank goodness ). If there is a difference in the approach as a result, so be it. I have no experience at all with daughters. However, I believe that my approach would work with anyone (male or female) with a positive self image. If the child does not have a positive self image, then that issue should be addressed first. Weight would be secondary. But once that is addressed, the weight issue has to be tackled head-on (if it still exists).

Male or female, obesity kills. I have seen it kill too many people in my family. I will not let it kill me or my children. It isn't about liking fat people. I love many, many fat people. But I hate that they are going to die young.

Ignoring obesity is like ignoring smoking. Do we let our 15 year old children smoke? Our 10 year old children? Our 5 year old children? What would we do if we caught our 10 year old smoking? Our 15 year old? Would the approach differ if they were male or female?

That is where I am coming from...

 

[Aliceacc]

It's spring and the weather is getting nicer.

Declare all electronics off limits from dawn to dusk on non-school days, and up until 8 pm (homework aside) on school days. No TV, no IPOD (except while running/exercising), no computer...

I'm guessing the whole family will spend more time up and about, and less on the couch.

 

[badblackpug]

I agree that boys and girls are different (thank goodness ). If there is a difference in the approach as a result, so be it. I have no experience at all with daughters. However, I believe that my approach would work with anyone (male or female) with a positive self image. If the child does not have a positive self image, then that issue should be addressed first. Weight would be secondary. But once that is addressed, the weight issue has to be tackled head-on (if it still exists).

Male or female, obesity kills. I have seen it kill too many people in my family. I will not let it kill me or my children. It isn't about liking fat people. I love many, many fat people. But I hate that they are going to die young.

Ignoring obesity is like ignoring smoking. Do we let our 15 year old children smoke? Our 10 year old children? Our 5 year old children? What would we do if we caught our 10 year old smoking? Our 15 year old? Would the approach differ if they were male or female?

That is where I am coming from...

All children are different whether male or female. Some are more sensitive than others, and girls, in particular, seem to be more sensitive about their appearance. What works for one child, may not work for another. I don't think "any child with a positive self image" can be approached n the manner you state. Maybe that is what worked for your son, but the OP did state that any mention of her daughter's weight would make her defensive and hurt her feelings. The teen years are a difficult time for many. There are many subjects that need to be sensitively broached, maybe your son isn't as sensitive, or maybe he is and has learned to hide it from you.

You can't really equate obesity to smoking. While it is illegal to smoke under the age of 18, eating is a necessary function. While I would punish a child who smoked, could I or should I ground the child that ate too many cookies? Or an extra helping of mashed potatoes, or who had 4 slices of pizza at a party? ...and what about the child that is not overweight. Are his/her rules different? Is it ok for child A to eat 4 pieces of pizza because he is more active, while it is "wrong" or against the rules for child B to have the same? Do you discipline child B for doing the same thing as his/her sibling? Eating is nearly impossible to police. Also remember that the majority of people who suffer from eating disorders are female. I have a thin friend (always thin) who was raised by an overweight mother. She listened to her mother always put herself down because she was overweight. The attitude that she gained from this is that "fat makes you a bad person." She has an eating disorder.

I still think the best thing you can do is set a good example as far as eating and exercising goes. Encourage less "couch potato" behavior by limiting sedentary activities such as TV and computers.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[Colleen27]

Well I am not "Pooh sized" and I think your approach is a recipe for disaster. Keep harping on a child about their weight and you can guarantee there will be food issues and eating disorders in her future. Being honest and saying that exercise and healthy eating are important because you love her and want her to be healthy is one thing. Saying that "fat people die young" so wake up and smell the coffee chubby! is not really going to be any help unless you want to make your kid miserable. Perhaps that is not what you are trying to say but that is how you are coming across.

I agree. I was an athletic, healthy kid who grew up into a lifetime of food issues that started with the concern of the adults close to me. As an adult I can look back and see that I was in great shape, and realize that comparison-based weight evaluations do a disservice to the athletic, but as a teen all I heard was that my mother and grandmother thought I was fat. They never used those words, but the meaning was clear enough and it just made me insecure, resentful, and perversely, less concerned about my diet (since I was fat anyway, what's the point of skipping dessert?).

To the OP, it is a difficult line to walk to be sure. Try talking to your DD without bringing up weight, to see if there is some social/emotional issue behind her lethargy and eating. Teen girls do tend to be emotional eaters, and laziness can be a symptom of depression/unhappiness (not just in the clinical sense, but transitionally like after a breakup or a fight with a friend).

Also, when you shop make sure that you're not only avoiding the obvious processed crap but also the hidden crap that many people don't think about, like high fructose corn syrup in foods that you might not think of as unhealthy (it is the *primary* ingredient in the BBQ sauce that used to be my favorite, for example).

And try suggesting something fun & active as a mother/daughter pursuit to kill two birds with one stone - get her up and moving and give the two of you some alone time to talk, away from the distractions of home and electronics. I know with my DS11, he confides in me more on our walks/runs than he ever did in the same amount of time spent hanging around the house.

 

[Colleen27]

According to the CDC.gov page for BMI calculator for TEENS, and entering in for an EXACTLY 15 year old girl (accounting for a birthday TODAY) and EXACTLY 120 lbs, and EXACTLY 4'11", this was the result, and I quote:

Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 24.2 , placing the BMI-for-age at the 85th percentile for girls aged 15 years 0 months. This teen is overweight.

I apogize, my first figure of 124.2 was off. It should have read 24.2, but I stand by the original assesment that she is borderline overweight. This result from the CDC.gov page supports that.

Maybe you can explain something to me that I've wondered about with my own son... Why is it that overweight is an objective benchmark for adults but relative for kids/teens on the BMI scale? If my DS11 were his height & weight as an adult, he'd have a healthy BMI of 20.4, but because he's a kid, it classifies him as overwight because he's in the 85% percentile. It seems the OP's daughter is in the same position - her BMI would be normal for an adult but is considered overweight for a teen with the same height/weight balance.

 

[RN4Babies]

The first thing I would do is take her to her pediatrician and have bloodwork done to rule out a physiological cause of her fatigue and weight gain. I was 14 years old when the same thing happened to me; my mom was a nurse, and insisted my doctor do an endocrine work up. It turned out I had significant hypothyroidism. I was immediately put on synthroid (I'll be on it the rest of my life), and things got better almost immediately.

DS18 started withdrawing when he was 13 years old....watching a lot of T.V., on the computer, never going outside, etc. His pediatrician did a simple depression screening with him, and found he was quite depressed. He referred us to a child psychiatrist; that doctor started him on a mild antidepressant and antianxiety medication. He also started seeing a therapist (still does, twice a month). I would strongly suggest your daughter have a mental health screening by a physician.

In my house, the rule is that there's no T.V. allowed Sunday through Thursday night, and on Fridays and Saturdays each child is limited to a total of two hours/day (this includes DVD's). The computer can be used by them for school assignments, but otherwise the limit is one hour per day. My son has a cell phone, but my plan does not allow for text messaging. My kids are both vocarious readers; my son is graduating from high school in June and in the top 10% of his class. He's on the varsity baseball team, he's a peer mentor, and he bowls in a league once a week.

My dd8 binges on junk if it's in the house....so I don't bring it in to begin with (I also don't bake from scratch, and don't keep the ingredients in the house). I had seven sisters growing up; one of them developed anorexia, and the other suffered from bulimia. You are right to be concerned about a comment or attitude causing even more problems with eating disorders. Seek out medical professionals to give you suggestions, guidance, to do testing, and for support. Good luck to you.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[Elmo888]

After talking to a dr., having her tested for hormone issues, and restricting "screen time" (you might find her wandering outside, looking for something to do and wondering what the rest of the family is doing outside), I would discuss nutrition/exercise with her (just some simple conversations will work - it doesn't need to be a big production). I think that this is something that we forget to do with kids.

Setting an example is great, but some kids like to know why and we can teach them. I think that sometimes we are so hesitant to talk about the whole eating/weight issue (I know that I am) that we forget that there are things that we can/should talk about. We can teach them what is healthy and why.

Some kids need to know the intellectual reasons why they should eat right and exercise. I bought DD an AG book (your DD might be too old for an AG book, but I'm sure that there is some book that would appeal to her) that talks about nutrition and exercise. I actually read it to her (she's 9), and discussed things as we went. Weight is never mentioned - just feeling good and being healthy from healthy eating and physical activity.

Good luck!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

From personal experience, I can say it worked for me, and it worked for my son. Maybe we are just tougher mentally? :confused3

I doubt it.

I agree that boys and girls are different (thank goodness ). If there is a difference in the approach as a result, so be it. I have no experience at all with daughters. However, I believe that my approach would work with anyone (male or female) with a positive self image. If the child does not have a positive self image, then that issue should be addressed first. Weight would be secondary. But once that is addressed, the weight issue has to be tackled head-on (if it still exists).

Male or female, obesity kills. I have seen it kill too many people in my family. I will not let it kill me or my children. It isn't about liking fat people. I love many, many fat people. But I hate that they are going to die young.

Ignoring obesity is like ignoring smoking. Do we let our 15 year old children smoke? Our 10 year old children? Our 5 year old children? What would we do if we caught our 10 year old smoking? Our 15 year old? Would the approach differ if they were male or female?

That is where I am coming from...

What you are suggesting is the quickest way to give a child a negative self image. Just how positive could anyone's self image be when their parent tells them they are fat? I am guessing that it would plummet after that. I don't care how cute you think you are and how confident you are, when Mom and/or Dad tells you that you are a fatty you will turn that around like a switch. One fell swoop and you changed everything and not for the better.
You say it worked for your son. Maybe it did but maybe years from now he'll tell you that he felt he wasn't good enough for you, felt hurt, insulted, not worthy . Who knows? I certainly hope that isn't the case but I can't imagine any child that I have ever met in my life that would be unaffected by the way that you claim you would/have handle it. I truly am happy that you have make the effort to have a healthy life for you and your children. I just think a little compassion goes a long way.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

What you are suggesting is the quickest way to give a child a negative self image. ..

How about this - you raise your children your way - I will raise mine my way.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

How about this - you raise your children your way - I will raise mine my way.

Just because someone doesn't agree with you there is no need to be nasty.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Just because someone doesn't agree with you there is no need to be nasty.

Read your post. It was disgustingly presumptive. Seriously, if you said that to me in my house, I would throw you out...

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Read your post. It was disgustingly presumptive. Seriously, if you said that to me in my house, I would throw you out...

Look, I think we are both misunderstanding each other. Let me try again so hopefully we can call a truce.

I do agree with you that you can choose to be healthy. I do agree with you that being overweight/obese is definetly a problem. I do agree with you that it is our job as parents to teach our children the best way to be healthy and of course, as parents, we want our children to be healthy. I am with you 110% there.
That being said, the way that you came across was that you would basically tell the child that they were overweight and they need to do something about it, but not in a very nice manner. Perhaps that is not what you intended but it came across as very harsh. The point that I was trying to make was that deliver is very important with weight. Like a pp suggested it is not the same as smoking or drinking etc. Everyone has to eat to survive. So it is not like you can forbid a child to eat. Making it a negative unstead of spinning it to be what it really is about -health- is what imo makes the difference. Teaching and modeling healthy eating is important. Teaching and modeling exercise is also important. What came across in your post (ah, the glory of the internet) was that you seemed as if you would berate the person by telling them that they were fat and they better do something about it. That is what bothered me. Now that may be what you think is the right course of action and if that is so then I guess we will agree to disagree, but I would like to think that you have some compassion, especially for your own child, and that is not the way that you actually came across to your child or would suggest that anyone else should.

So maybe you just feel very strongly about obesity and your passion for that came across as being harsh, OR- you just think all kids should be sent to weightloss bootcamp J/K

So hopefully this maybe makes more sense and we can have a truce?

 

[Colleen27]

I think the world is forcing everyone into cookie cutter molds of each other which is really weird. I understand the idea of being healthy, but with eating disorders on the rise I think our pe-occupation with weight in kids is going to cause more problems than it cures. Whenever I get the BMI non-sense from my kids school I toss it into the trash. My son has always been on the upper side of regular and that's ok with me. Those scales do not take into account how broad the kid is nor how muscular the kid is, and since my DS11 has a shoulder width of 18 and is extremely active (he plays a sport every season and is outside rollerblading right now) I don't see how he can be compared to another child of the same height who is 1/2 as wide, inactive (no muscle) and nowhere near puberty. It just isn't reasonable.

That's how my DS is too. He plays a lot of sports, but football is his passion and he's built for it. He's tall, broad shouldered, and strong, and we've just started training for our first 5K because he wanted to do something other than baseball this spring/summer to stay in shape for football. It is kind of funny seeing him next to his best friend, who is small, not athletic at all, and literally half his size. They look like they're about 3-4 years apart, but DS is only 3mo older.

I'm happy with his weight for his height/build and activity level and his doctor is as well, so I don't put much stock in the whole BMI issue as it applied to him, but I am curious about the difference in how it works for kids. I've yet to hear a reasonable explanation for it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...That being said, the way that you came across was that you would basically tell the child that they were overweight and they need to do something about it, but not in a very nice manner. Perhaps that is not what you intended but it came across as very harsh.

I never said that - I simply said that I would not dance around the issue. Being overweight in my family is a bad thing - and not for the way it makes you look. It kills people in my family. We talk about it in that vane - no discussion of vanity or looks.

The point that I was trying to make was that deliver is very important with weight. Like a pp suggested it is not the same as smoking or drinking etc.

Yes - it is. Eating too much kills you as surely as smoking. Learn to control yourself or die young.

Everyone has to eat to survive. So it is not like you can forbid a child to eat.

You CAN forbid a child to eat too much. It is easy. We practice it in our home every day. Children in families like mine should FEAR overeating. It kills.

Making it a negative unstead of spinning it to be what it really is about -health- is what imo makes the difference.

That is the only manner in which this topic is discussed - relative to health. We are not girls looking to fit into bikinis (though my wife is )

Teaching and modeling healthy eating is important. Teaching and modeling exercise is also important. What came across in your post (ah, the glory of the internet) was that you seemed as if you would berate the person by telling them that they were fat and they better do something about it.

Telling your child that they are making a mistake is not "berating" them - it is parenting them. I do not call anyone fat, but I am not afraid of the word. It is an ugly word - one that gets people's attention. But we use the word to describe a health issue - not a vanity issue.

That is what bothered me. Now that may be what you think is the right course of action and if that is so then I guess we will agree to disagree, but I would like to think that you have some compassion, especially for your own child, and that is not the way that you actually came across to your child or would suggest that anyone else should.

So maybe you just feel very strongly about obesity and your passion for that came across as being harsh, OR- you just think all kids should be sent to weightloss bootcamp J/K

So hopefully this maybe makes more sense and we can have a truce?

Look - I am not sure why the word "fat" bothers you so much, but it shouldn't bother you any more than the word "smoker". They are both killers, and political correctness will never get me to step back from the word. There is just too much at stake.

One other thing - children are not as fragile as parents think. They can handle the truth. In fact, they thrive on it.

Peace...