OT--help--"mean" 7 yr old neighbor girl?

[ldo]

hi. I have a very sweet 6 yr old girl. Only other girl on the street is a bright, but mean, 7 yr old--we have a few boys ages 4-6, also. She is the oldest child on the street and the "ring-leader." My child adores this girl, and many times they play just fine. However, she says and does very hurtful things to the kids--not just mine. This summer, she would pick a different child on the street to exclude in different ways--such as "you can't come to my pretend tea party today, etc." We have tried to let the kids work it out, but a few times, I have gone up and told her this was not nice and "how would you feel..."
Last night, she told my DD that she wanted to play inside with her new bday toys by herself and that next year, my DD was not going to be invited to her bday party (they all just went to her bday on Sat). My DD came home crushed--of course this is silliness--but you get the picture.
Now, DH is concerned about this behavior at this point and about our DD's self-esteem. He thinks it is just going to get worse. Telling DD not to play with her is not an option--she's the only other girl on the street.
So, would you talk to the Mom? She is pretty clueless, b/c she just tells her kids to go outside and play. ANd, if so, what would you say?

 

[mommytobug]

If I felt that strongly about it, I would STOP them playing together. My dd lives on a street with no kids here age and she does fine. She plays by herslef and invited friends over. I wouldprobably invite them in to play and observe. You never know how the kid will act. I am always very careful to be aware that my child is not perfect. She too can be a toot. Some childrens are "sweet" in front of their parents and other adults and then act another way in front of kids. Your child may at times be holding her weight and throwing it back at her. I will give you an example of this. My SIL thought my dd was mean to my niece all the time. Could she be? YES! Was she always the instigsator? NO My niece would rub things in very quietly to her and then when my dd would sound off it always looked one sided. I know it was not but never said a word. It was a no win situation. Good luck! Little girls can be very very mean!

 

[Perditamarie]

I would not have them play together. Your sweet dd will just learn to behave this way. You can tell your dd you don't like some of the behaviors this friend has and arrange playtime w/other kids. If you do allow her to play with this girl, you should supervise.

 

[lunalibre]

Ohhhh, I would DEFINITELY intervene. This neighbor girl is well on her way to being a bully. If she's pulling this sort of behavior on your block, you can bet she's doing it at school.

Something that's helped my kids a lot is to speak up for themselves. Yes, it's hard to do! My DD7 is actually much better at it than my DS10. DD is about the only girl on the block with a LOT of boys, so she's had to learn to stand up for herself. She'll tell even the older boys when they're being mean, and then she walks away. The boys will eventually come back, apologize, and life goes on.

So....maybe your DD can learn to tell this girl when she's being mean? This is something you can role-play with her. Your DD knows that real friends aren't mean to each other on purpose, and it sounds like you're going to have to teach that to this neighbor girl. Can you enlist the help of some of the other moms of younger kids, if you're not sure about talking to the mother of the "problem girl"? If you can get the younger kids to stick together, it'll help a lot. With my kids, if DD calls another kid out for saying/doing something mean and stops playing, DS will back her up and vice-versa. It's really helped! Now all the kids will call each other on inappropriate behavior, and someone in the group will back the kid up (if it was geniunely mean ), then the offender apologizes and the whole episode is over in 5 minutes or less.

Also, I would make sure the mother of the neighbor girl knows the types of comments her daughter is making. I know I would want to know about it. Cliques start sooooooo early these days, and I know I don't want my daughter acting like that. Mom may be truly unaware. If you talk to the mom and she's pretty nonchalant about it, well, definitely talk to the parents of the other kids. Surely you'll find at least one other like-minded family among this girl's "victims." Ultimately you may just have to limit their playtime together. It's sad, but your DH is absolutely right -- your DD's self-esteem is more important. I don't know that I'd let the girls play together again until you were sure your DD will tell the other girl when she's being mean and walk away.

Is there a counselor at your school? I'm sure there's someone there who's responsible for anti-bullying programs. You should ask that person for some information as well. They have some wonderful resources.

Good luck!

 

[r4blessings]

I would just let your dd know that you don't like how this "friend" treats her, and it is your job to make sure she is safe and happy so that from now on, when she wants to play with her friend, she can do so at your house under your supervision. If they are near you, you will be able to intercede if things are being said that are hurtful or inappropriate (like you have been doing so far for the most part) but also so that you can talk about things that you overheard with your dd later. Discussing what the "friend" said AND your dd's reaction to it will give her the learning tools she needs to navigate her way through adolescence with girls that can sometimes be real mean.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I would just let your dd know that you don't like how this "friend" treats her, and it is your job to make sure she is safe and happy so that from now on, when she wants to play with her friend, she can do so at your house under your supervision. If they are near you, you will be able to intercede if things are being said that are hurtful or inappropriate (like you have been doing so far for the most part) but also so that you can talk about things that you overheard with your dd later. Discussing what the "friend" said AND your dd's reaction to it will give her the learning tools she needs to navigate her way through adolescence with girls that can sometimes be real mean.

So well said... AND remember at 6, children can play just as well with boys or girls. Encourage relationships with the boys on the street and encourage her to ask school friends over but do not be surprised if the other child shows up to play as well.

I too also caution to be realistic with the possibility that your child may nor be 100% without any involment. No child is perfect and some are great at being sneaky!!

 

[2n2]

My friend just delt with this last year. Come to find out the Dad was a real looser and the childs behavior was a result of being hurt herself. The mother was no help so my friend set boundaries. She only let her daughter play with the girl at her house or she would go outside and work in the yard where the situation could be monitored. My friend went out of her way to be kind to the child and create fun situations for both girls. After some time the child started changing because of the kindess she was being shown. It is amazing how even the meanest kids will respond to unconditional love.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

I was bullied for years and while I'm a pretty well adjusted adult some of those childhood years were torture! Looking back I wish someone had done some role playing with me on how to be more secure and confident when responding to bullies - unfortunately I often broke down in tears still desperately wanting to be part of the in crowd which sadly feeds into what bullies want. I would definitely intervene for the sake of your daugher and agree with the other posters that your DD needs to understand how real friends behave and teach her to be confident enough that if the "mean" girl says something inappropriate she'll know just what to do. The other girl would probably be so shocked that your DD said anything that she'll back down. If you really want to let the girls play together I would definitely stay close - maybe you'd hear some things you could talk over with your daughter and help coach her in how to respond in the future. If that doesn't work, you're going to have to stop letting them play together and see what other groups your daughter can get involved in. Maybe joining a girl scout troop or sports team can help make friends and learn some great life lessons! Good luck!

 

[Tammysue5]

This is a difficult situation. I have to say that you do have an option.. not to have DD play with her. Not easy, but probably the best choice at this time. There were some mean siblings that lived next to us when our DS16 was small. These kids were not nice, while we cannot shield our kids from everything we can help them to 'gravitate' towards the 'right choice'. We just had DS play in the back yard... invited his friends over to our house... frequently, or he went to their houses. We involved him in activities at church, school and afterschool activities, Etc. Well, while we allowed our kids to 'make choices in friends we also 'tried to put them in activites where their choices are better. I should mention that those kids now struggle in school and seek my son out to be their friend... he is popular and also nice, so he has become a role model to these same kids. He treats them both very nice... kind of like he would have liked being treated by them many years ago. I remind DS that he can be/is a role model, so instead of being mean back he is confident enough to beable to treat others with respect.

 

[Whosemom]

My experience says remove her now. I have a very good friend that has a very awful son. He has tormented my DS from the day he could walk (the mean boy is two years older). He not only insisted on excluding DS from games, he told lies to get DS in trouble. Now, these are church friends, and the mean boy is my dd's buddy (nice to her) and an older sister was at that time my other dd's best buddy. Our two families were ALWAYS together. Here I was buying that DS was kindof being a trouble maker. Once we got involved in some activities at the Y, where this family did not go, I saw that DS could play delightfully with other children. DH and I started spying to see what was really happening. The playing was always "WEEEE are on one team and (DS) is the bad guy" He was always being excluded, among other things. i started being busy when my friend wanted to do things together, and really monitering the time the boys had to be together, and DS had a total personality change. It was amazing. Its an awful way to feel about a kid, but I could smack the peat out of this little jerk. Even now, after a couple of years of trying to keep them apart, he is still awful. The other day DS had a new little toy and jerk-boy took it from him and teased him til he cried. His mom acts like nothing happened. ugh. Anyway, I'll stop ranting, and just reiterate, your child needs you to end her association with this bully.

 

[daisyduck123]

Have not read any other replies but what I would do...

I'd tell the mean girl that if she wants to play with my DD anymore that she HAS to be nice & saying unkind things will not be tolerated. I'm a teacher & have no reservations about talking to other people's kids & setting them straight. Heck, if needed, I'd set the girl down & give her a "time-out" right on my driveway.

 

[badblackpug]

Honestly, This is very typical little girl behavior. The exclusion thing is a big one on the playground. Rather than tell your daughter NOT to play with her, teach you daughter how to react. These little girls do these things to get a reaction. Teach your daughter not to become upset when she says things..kind of role play it. I have 2 girls who are extremely on the sensitive side and any little comment can make them cry. You have to teach our daughter not to give the wanted reaction. Because, believe me, this will not be the last litttle girl that acts this way.'

Mean girl: "I don't want to play with you, I want to play with my new bday toys."

DD "Okay, have fun, bye bye"

MG "...and you can't come to my bday party next year!"

DD "Okay"

Teach your daughter to stay calm, not react and not argue back when she says mean things, and believe me it will stop. This was the best suggestion anyone evey had to help my kids with teasing. They were taught to say "So?" to insults Like "You're ugly, dumb, fat, your clothes are dorky, etc." "So?"

The exclusion thing is a big tactic with little girls whenver they were excluded they were taught to say "Ok" with a smile and find something else to do. No crying, arguing, yelling, or retaliating.

 

[sherievald]

There will be kids like this everywhere your daughter goes in life. Explain to her that it is not her, but the other child who has not been taught any better. When you teach your daughter it is not her, but the other person, you are teaching her how to cope and protect her own self while dealing with these people. As her mother, it will forever hurt your heart.....it is hurting and injuring you far greater than your daughter. Try to focus on the positive in this other child while explaining to your duaghter that everyone has flaws and we need to love them anyway. NOW, with that said, start to encourage your daughter to have other friends over, and keep her busy with activities that are healthy for her, sports, etc. I am sorry your heart hurts, this is the worst part of parenting, but, there will forever be these kids/people in your childs' life.

 

[barkley]

it may be typical behaviour for some girls, but that does'nt mean it's right. and i can say from personal experience it can be VERY hurtfull (only girl on the street i grew up on was this way and my mom was big on having me look for the good in her, accept that it came from not being taught better, teaching me not to react...)-it still hurt like crazy. as an adult i wonder why my mother encouraged me to play with someone who she knew pulled this kind of crap, and even if she ended up not pulling it on me still did on the other kids which made me look to the other mom's like i was in on it by virtue of still playing with her

i think a talk with your dd on what a 'real friend' is might be in order. if she is in agreement that a 'real friend' does'nt pull this kind of stuff she's old enough to speak up the next time it happens and if it does'nt stop, walk away from the situation. it's not the worst thing in the world to engage in solitary activities-and i think esp. with girls it's important that they learn that its not appropriate to excuse or ignore inappropriate/hurtful verbal remarks or statements because of other 'good' attributes within a person (they will grow into young women, and verbal abuse from young men who are in other ways very charming can be of horrendouse consequence).

and as an aside-in retrospect when i think back on the little girl in my life, and some others i encountered, it was'nt that they were'nt taught better-it was precisely what they were taught by their mom's via some very 'catty' adult behaviours they engaged in (often overheard via phone and personal conversations with their other adult women 'friends')-and many of these women have carried this type of behaviour straight into their adult lives

 

[badblackpug]

I didn't say the behavior was "right" but it is a fact of life that this is often how little girls act. It is something that all little girls will deal with sooner or later. The OP stated that her daughter enjoys playing with this child, and that they often play together nicely, but there are times when this behavior occurs. I think that because her daughter, for the most part, enjoys this child's company, that telling her she can't play with her will be more hurtful to her child. Now, if her child were to decide that she didn't want to play with this child, I wouldn't encourage her to do so, either. In this case it is a child looking for control over another, I would teach my child NOT to give the child the wanted reaction, thus the power that she seeks. I dealt with this, repeatedly, with my girls, and it served them better to just not react, as that added fuel to the fire.

 

[barkley]

i guess my concerns would be (if my dd were in this situation) if the dd does not react, and the other girl discontinues doing it to her, but continues doing it to others, and had the additional behaviours the op described (targeting one child at a time among the neighboring children to pick on and exclude) it might cause my dd to beleive that so long as you are not the target of choice or the actual bully-it's fine to associate and enjoy a friendship with the bully. i think this is how allot of the nasty little girly cliques get started. a freindship between someone who has some trait that is appreciated or coveted by other girls, but a mean streak that while not directed at their 'bff's' is directed at others. the bff's because the behaviour is not directed at them tolerate or ignore it for the sake of the friendship-in my mind something that somehow empowers the bully that what they are doing is acceptable.

i would also worry that my dd would end up in other parent's eyes 'guilty by association'-not all parents take the time to get to know a child, they rely on fleeting observations which can include the known habits of the companions they keep.

 

[MinnieTink]

Little girls are so mean sometimes....some don't grow out of this either!!!!

Has anyone ever heard the song, "Mean Girls" by Sugarland??? Check it out..

SUGARLAND LYRICS

"Mean Girls"

(Ready, okay)

Mean girls
Well, I ain't a mean girl
But I've known a few
They'll make you cry, baby
And then blame it on you
They'll hate you if you're pretty
They'll hate you if you're not
They'll hate you for what you lack, baby
Then they'll hate you for what you've got

Mean girls, scratch and spitting
Mean girls, can't be forgiven
Mean girls, make mean women
Mean girls

Starts on the playground pulling your hair
Then in high school, gets worse from there
You'll see em coming, they travel in packs
Smile to your face, baby, stabbing your back
If they ain't out a-prowling, creeping down the hall
You'll find em by the lockers, baby
Sharpening their claws

Mean girls, start em young
Mean girls, forked tongue
Mean girls, see em and run
Mean girls

Mean girls

Sugar and spice and everything nice
Thinks she hot but she's cold as ice
First comes love then comes marriage
Then comes her Mama with another little wannabe

Mean girls, full of hate
Mean girls, just can't wait
Mean girls, take your date

Mean girls, make stuff up
Mean girls, just bad luck
Mean girls, stink

Mean girls, best friends forever
Mean girls, almost never
Mean girls, whatever

Mean girls

Hey, mean girls

I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time. Both of my daughters have been thru this a few times already...but it doesn't last forever. She will be ok. It is hard when they are neighbors...I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!!! I had (and have) a neighbor who was such a mean butthead to me, and I am 35 years old! I guess this is just something we need to learn how to handle.

good luck

 

[DisneyPhD]

Not having friends is a natural consequence to not being friend like. The thing is now a days we are so fast to kiss and make up we often push our kids to be the nice one, forgive and forget, turn the other check. While those are all good things I find myself wondering how much should we encourage our girls to continue to play with people who aren't being nice????? I tell my girls if someone isn't being a friend to you, you do not need to play with them. You need to continue to be nice to them (or at least not be mean,) but you don't have to like them.

I have the same sort of issue with DD's best friend. She can be a sweet kid and DD just loves her. She also has it in her to be the queen bee, manipulative, controlling and extremely moody when she does not get her way. She has audacity I don't even see in many adults now a days. If she sees something she wants she takes it and doesn't think if she should or not. She will walk across the kicthen while I am talking to her, grab something she wants out of my re-fridge and start eating it with me right there. She does respond well to redirection though (after I explain we don't do that at our house.)

He mom is a "good mom" as far as trying to be on top of it and correcting it. I do really respect her that way. I wonder how much she is really aware of. In the same way I often find myself wondering if there is another side of the story too and I am only getting DD's side. Is DD copying the behavior and being mean too? I find myself talking about it often to her (how it feels and why to treat others how you want to be treated.) I am also encouraging DD to branch out. You can still be friends with this girl, but have other friends too. Don't exclude others (something this girl does often.) Give this girl some space when she is being moody (it seems to happen daily.)

All this and only 1st grade. I shutter to think what this "friendship" is going to be like in 10 years when hormones and boys are added to the mix.

So my advice is to tell DD to listen to her gutt. If she doesn't like the way she is being treated leave. Try to get more play dates of other girls over to the house. The best way for the other girl to learn is to have negative consequences to her behavior.

God help us all!