OT: Help from parents of High Intensity kids

[AuroraBeauty]

Hello fellow DISers with high intensity kids!

I need your help. DD is a High Ability/High Intensity 6.5 year old. Except that she is more like a 23 year old stuck in a little girls body. She is exceptionally smart (reads at 12th grade ++, does 4th grade math, speaks 2 languages in addition to English, plays violin well -- Suzuki book 3), hence the 'high ability' part. I can handle this pretty well. We homeschool and it allows me to give her the educational components she needs at the levels that work for her.

But the high intensity part is where I'm having difficulties. Everything lately seems like such a struggle -- listening, following directions, paying attention. I know, it sounds like regular 6-year old stuff. Except that for me it is seems so intense and if one thing goes wrong in her view (asked to sit up straight for example) then she cries and has a fit. Never in public, always at home. She always seems to know more than me or whomever else is trying to teach he something or tell her how to do something. Even brushing her hair I somehow do it wrong if I accidentally pull her hair a bit from a snarl. It's a constant power struggle and I am at the end of my rope.

I've read every parenting book about discipline and defiant children. I've incorporated a lot of the techniques -- routine, rules, praise for good, etc. But, I feel so overwhelmed that I'm starting to only see the negative and it's driving me crazy! She's not a bad kid, but I'm starting to see only that behavior. And I know that's not a good thing.

So, if there are others of you out there who have worked through or are now working through these types of control and power struggle issues with your high intensity child(ren) I'd love to hear anything you can offer to help me.

TIA!

 

[erinch]

Have you thought about working with a really good child/family therapist who works with "severely gifted" kids?

I say severely gifted because it takes many adaptive strategies to learn to live in this world when your several "standard deviations" out on the bell curve. These have to be learned, and much of life can be really stressful for kids in ways that are really puzzling for the parents.

You might see a bit of your DD reflected in this article:
http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10241.aspx

And this one might also point to where you might find some consultation:
http://www.helium.com/items/821000-understanding-the-intense-emotions-of-your-gifted-child


It sometimes helps to have a 3rd party -- in particular someone who can meet her on her level -- to help the whole family with how to be most resilient. In many ways your daughter might be on sensory overload, and might need help with processing stimuli.

My highly gifted DS was very sensitive to noise, and labels (he would only wear "soft pants") and it was a real pain getting him to age 8 or so, where it started to get better -- and he wasn't anywhere near academically where your daughter is at. With my DD we had to cut her hair very short because she couldn't stand a brush pulling her hair at all.

If you have a local Mensa chapter, they might also be able to put you in touch with some specialists who can assist. they have an entire area of operations devoted to gifted children.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

I'd recommend you talk to your pediatrician about it, and maybe ask for a consult with a child pyschologist. There are many things that could be behind this, or it could be nothing. It may be just a phase that she grows out of, or it could be something more that you are just now seeing the beginnings of. As the PP mentioned, there could be an issue with sensory overload. ADHD comes to mind as well. I'm certainly not trying to diagnose your daughter, nor am I qualified to, but your comments about struggles to listen, pay attention, and follow directions jumped out at me. Many ADHD kids are extremely bright.

My DD has always been high intensity and I struggled with behavioral problems with her since she was 1 year old. She's 5 and was diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago. Again, I'm not suggesting that's what's going on with your daughter, but I was constantly struggling with DD and her behavior, and it was a God-send to be referred to an excellent child psychologist who helped us get to the bottom of her problems. You may find it helpful to be able to talk to a psychologist, even if it's just to hear that there's nothing going on other than her being an extremely bright 6 year old.

Good luck!

 

[badblackpug]

I'm not sure what a "high intensity child" is, but I do have a drama queen, and this sounds very drama queen like. What we do best is ignore. We have found that if she doesn't get attention for her behavior, she stops it. If the behavior is particularly over the top we use a time out. Our time out is the powder room with the door shut. It is small, it has no windows and no opportunity for distraction. When the crying jag starts, and boy she loves to cry, we very calmly say. "Please excuse yourself to the bathroom until you feel you are able to control yourself." We also make sure that we are very consistent with discipline.

I think it is interesting that she only does it while at home. Does she only do it with you, or with other members of the family? We learned from a speaker at a parenting conference when she was much younger that kids use negative behaviors only on the people that are affected by them or react to them. That is where we developed the "stay calm" (and I mean cheerful, stepford calm) strategy. If her behavior didn't upset, or frustrate or anger us it had no power, and in the long run it is a power struggle. As an aside, my drama queen had a very young teacher one year. She realized that this teacher completely fell for the tears, and she used them to her advantage. Every time she wanted to get out of something she would turn on the tears, and become so overcome that she had to leave the class immediately to speak to the counselor. We tried to explain to the teacher that she could turn it off and on and the teacher looked at us like we were Bing Crosby and Joan Crawford. We explained to her (the teacher) that she works those big, brown eyes to her advantage, and you could tell she thought we were the meanest things ever and not fit to raise wolves! Until...the part where we called her (drama queen) into the conference and started discussing her behavior with her (at the time it was not doing homework or completing assignments, and, of course, chattiness) She started the crying thing, which progressed to sobbing, at which point my husband looked right at her and said very calmly, "DQ," Stop it." Which she promptly did. The next time she started crying, the teacher ignored her, and she never did it again.

...but I digress...you said you home school. Maybe since you spend so much time together, she is just trying to assert her independence, albeit, in a negative way. Maybe you can offer her small choices to make her feel she has some choices. Things like "what lesson would you like to do 1st?" or "where would you like to study, at the kitchen or dining room table or maybe outside at the picnic table?"

Do try the ignoring thing, though. When she starts, either ask her to excuse herself until she can control herself or you excuse yourself. "I am going to my room to read until you can control yourself. When you are calm, you can come get me and we will finish what we were doing." Maybe if she finds her behavior is not getting the expected response, she will cease. Also, be consistent with discipline. Make sure there are consequences for unacceptable behavior. You said she "acts like she knows more than me or anyone teaching her." Is she disrespectful? If so, deal with it. (around here it is eye rolling and teeth sucking, followed by the siiiggghhh) We make the simple statement "you are disrespectful," then apply a consequence. Every time. It has gotten to the point where as soon as *the* tone of voice starts we ask the question "To whom are you speaking?" and it ends.

Patience. Plaster on your big smile. Good luck!

 

[AuroraBeauty]

MAGGIE'SMOM and ERINCH, thank you for your replies and support. We do see a certified play therapist, and have for almost 2 years. She was the one who helped me identify DD as High Ability. DD has been tested, partly b/c her pre-school kept telling me I need to put her on ADHD meds.

DD's doc (pediatrician as well as 2 psychologists) said that DD does not fit the true profile for ADHD/ADD/Autism/Bi-Polar/Spectrum Disorders, etc. All have just said that DD is just who she is. While that is all well and good, I'm left dealing with a child who thinks she's smarter than most adults. And, while she may in fact be, she has great difficulty listening or following directions b/c she doesn't think people should be telling her what to do b/c she's smart.

Problem is that while she may be smart in certain academic abilities, 'smart' is not a universal trait covering every aspect of being. While there are times she doesn't listen or follow directions, once a week she watches NOVA on PBS and will sit entranced and completely focused on the show while fully understanding what they are doing. DD will carry out a multi-step chemistry experiment w/o assistance flawlessly. DD will play games with me that require concentration and focus for long periods of time w/o complaining. But ask her to stop swinging her legs while sitting at the table eating and I'm in for a battle. DD will read for hours on end and get every detail and nuance but if I ask her to read a specific book all of a sudden she is tired or can't figure out the words or she reads it so fast that she can't do her book report and has to read the book again to answer the questions.

Also, DD has sensitivity issues too -- doesn't wear pants or long sleeve shirts, can't stand tags, has special socks to wear if she must wear sneakers (which is rarely), water has to be cold/iced to drink, I have more moleskin and molefoam on clothing and shoes and her violin than anyone should be allowed. Luckily I have these things called Tag Tamers to put over the clothing tags. I used them b/c I hate when the tags have sharp corners and poke me in the back. If only everything could be tagless! And while these are sometimes annoying, I've gotten better at knowing what they are so I can deal with them better.

While I have tried to be empathetic with all of DDs sensitivities, her outside teachers often see her as whiney and a complainer. Has to have the exact pen/pencil/paper/marker, for example. Doesn't' matter if the person tells her it's OK not to have the exact one, DD must and her frustration builds and it causes it to build in others. With homeschooling, I give her some flexibility but still try to give her the understanding that in other learning environments there are rules. Of course she gets the rules, but sometimes to an extreme.

Oh! I sound like a complainer, and I'm not. I have worked so hard to help DD but I feel like I'm failing. It seems that anything I say to her is ignored or challenged. I feel like I'm always being tested. Maybe that's just part of parenting a high ability/high intensity child?

Thanks again, ladies, for the help. I think I need to step back and find the positive -- even if it is something small -- and recognize that instead of feeling the need to see the negative. Like I said, she's a good kid. I'm just having difficulty not taking it all so personally.

 

[AuroraBeauty]

I'm not sure what a "high intensity child" is, but I do have a drama queen, and this sounds very drama queen like.

Does she only do it with you, or with other members of the family?

Maybe since you spend so much time together, she is just trying to assert her independence, albeit, in a negative way. Maybe you can offer her small choices to make her feel she has some choices. Things like "what lesson would you like to do 1st?" or "where would you like to study, at the kitchen or dining room table or maybe outside at the picnic table?"

Make sure there are consequences for unacceptable behavior. You said she "acts like she knows more than me or anyone teaching her." Is she disrespectful? If so, deal with it.

Patience. Plaster on your big smile. Good luck!

Thank you for your insight. I cut part of you post to specifically answer better.

High Intensity? That's fancy talk for 'drama queen' when used with High Ability (what is often called Gifted) kids. My DD would be considered profoundly gifted and as such psychologists like to use their terminology. High Intensity rather than drama queen (or king I guess) is used b/c it's not about creating the drama for these kinds of kids but rather that they are wired to 'create a mountain out of a molehill' in certain instances. Also, for the child they don't see their behavior as being dramatic or out of control b/c their internal scale is just set way high.

I'm the main target, and I really appreciate your insight about getting a reaction. That's me. I do get frustrated and angry. She does get a reaction out of me. DH doesn't give in to it and she won't even try this stuff with him. Her language teacher is super strict and always in control (she's amazing!) and never loses her cool. I admire her and wish I was like that. Violin teacher is truly the ultimate suzuki teacher and no matter what will always find something positive to say to DD while still working to improve those things that need fixing.

Yes, we do spend so much time together. As part of working with the therapist I've had to develop 'me moments'. I do try to give DD acceptable choices (do you want A or B) that regardless of which one she chooses I can live with it (got that from a parenting book/seminar).

Most people would say DH and I are very strict. We do have very specific boundaries, and one of them is about respect. Do you have suggestions for appropriate consequences? I've tried time outs and some times they work (time out is in the hall looking at a blank wall). I've tried asking her to repeat herself more appropriately, but then she just clams us or starts crying that she can't do it. DD has to earn points throughout the day doing specific responsibilities if she is to watch one show at night and even that hasn't been working (and DD says I'm mean b/c I won't give her more points).

Thank you for your support and the encouragement to 'plaster on your big smile'. Sounds like you've got this down -- but I'm sure it hasn't been an easy road.

 

[badblackpug]

God no, not easy. Sometimes you have to put yourself in time out, too!
That is why I suggested walking away, very calmly, and very pleasantly when she starts. It removes you from the situation, and it removes the attention from her. We were told always, always to remain calm. "Never let them see you cry." (or yell, or grit your teeth) I think it must be much more difficult with that bright of a child. Imagine, the intelligence of an adult and the emotional maturity of a 6 year old (which is appropriate) She sure must keep you on your toes.

I think consequences depend on the child. You have to find the thing that "hurts" them the most, and then use it. Consistently, every time. My drama queen is a teen now. Removing telephone, Ipod, computer and/or privileges to go out with friends are the most hurtful. With my 11 year old it is phone. computer, TV (also a girl, but a very, very different personality. She is very sensitive, but only cries when her feeling are really hurt, no drama, no theatrics) My by is 7 and totally different yet. He is sunny, happy, and easy going. Everything rolls off him like water off a ducks back. The things that get him are removal of video games, TV, and toys. My drama queen is an "unmotivated student," my middle one is a good student, who works hard, and everything comes easy to my boy. (and I have a 17 month old) but none are gifted. Bright, but not gifted. What does she really love? That is what you have to take away. Maybe instead of her earning privileges for behavior, you can have her start with X amount of chips (or whatever tokens you use) and then take them away for negative behavior. My older ones can definitely grasp the idea of earn and save, but my 7 year old doesn't, really. He can definitely see the chips, or money, or whatever going away. He doesn't really get the concept of "I have 5 chips in the jar that is 1 hour and 15 minutes of video games and/or TV" but he does understand the idea of "I had a lot of chips and now I only have a little." Less is less.

We also liked the book "1, 2, 3, Magic" for a discipline plan

 

[disneycruising]

Have you seen a psychiatrist?

My DD (15) has Asperger's and ADD. She has been seeing a psychiatrist for a few years. This has really help us. Not only does he work with her. But, he also can gives us different "parenting ideas" to try. There is something 'powerful' about the doctor telling me, dh & dd: what is acceptable behavior for my DD and what is not. I am always worried about what is normal behavior for a child with AS/ADD and what is her just being a teen!(lol)

I think one of the most important thing is to be consistant...in ALL areas. The rules never change and neither does the punishment. The second most important thing is to love her no matter what. I have to remind myself every day to look for the great things she had done that day...and tell her about them!

Please don't forget that she is a little girl first. Make sure that she is getting plenty of time to be a kid: hanging out with friends, riding a bike, being competely silly.

Parenting really is the hardest job in the world!!

 

[bumbershoot]

"Even brushing her hair I somehow do it wrong if I accidentally pull her hair a bit from a snarl. "

That would be why my mom wouldn't let me grow my curly hair long at all. I always resented that, until I grew my own hair long, then had to deal with brushing it!!! Nothing like hurting yourself and hating yourself for hurting, um, yourself.


Probably just a silly idea, but maybe it'll help...when DS gets really emotional, I find that a bit of Rescue Remedy helps. It's sort of a homeopathic remedy, it's officially a "flower essence", and it's brilliant. If things get stressy, we'll ALL take it, and it helps us immensely.

Feeling sorry for myself b/c I had tag aversions too, but I just had to deal with it. I spent a lot of time scratching my neck b/c of those tags, and I could not wear turtlenecks until I was well into adulthood b/c they felt like they were choking me.

..."or she reads it so fast that she can't do her book report"...oh yes. I can read books probably 3 times, at least, before I remember them enough to really talk about them. I buy mysteries b/c I know they're good for a few times through.

Have you considered an instrument other than such a "touchy" one as the violin? Well maybe she's young for the flute, but that definitely touches you less. NOt that that's what you asked about, but since you are covering up the violin so she doesn't touch it much, maybe it's worth thinking about.

Maybe just give her the summer off, let her regroup a bit? Maybe she wants to follow her own lessonplans; even though she is very young, you could step back and be more Montessori about it, letting the kids work on what they want to work on?

Signing off...but letting you know I finally bought a whole PACK of my fave pens, the only ones that make me feel like I'm truly writing....blue Papermates....all the others are scratchy and bleah, like using a pencil that's not a #2.

 

[AuroraBeauty]

BADBLACKPUG, thank you for being helpful and offering your insight.

DD keeps me on my toes so much that I probably need those ballet shoes with extra protection (my lame attempt at humor -- it's late!).

I completely understand what you say about remaining calm. I guess I need to work on it and really really really try. DD sees my emotions in something so small as my eyes getting wider or pursing my lips slightly or even just looking down and not having eye contact. I don't know how she does this. Sure, I have 'the look' that I know every mom has. But how can she see me clench my jaw? She's not bionic and to my knowledge does not have x-ray vision. She'll even notice if I tense my hands. Ahhhhh!

And then it starts to get out of control b/c she know she has me. Darn it, I'm being outwitted by a 6 year old! It is exceptionally challenging dealing with DD at times b/c she is so smart but at the same time only 6 years old and she is emotionally mature in some respects really, she's still just 6.

I did use a program with chips but I gave them to her for doing whatever it was she had to do to earn them and while she was 'taxed' for not doing the thing she had to do, after awhile the chips didn't matter b/c she didn't know what to do with them. So it worked for awhile and then it didn't matter.

I am inspired to face tomorrow with a renewed sense of power and control. Also, I will check on the 1, 2, 3 Magic (I just put it on hold at my local library).

Thank you all so much!

 

[Bibbidi]

My dd8 is gifted, but first she was diagnosed at 5 as having tactile defensiveness (part of a sensory processing disorder)--that characteristic is common among gifted kids. She also will have fits at home over what seems like "small" stuff. Her therapist (because she was also diagnosed as having mild selective mutism) recommended that we try this book called "1,2,3 Magic" for help with some behavior issues--it really does work. The basic concept is that you count to 3 when there is inappropriate behavior. 1 is their first warning to smarten up, 2 is the second warning and if you get to the number 3, then the child has to take a time out for 10 minutes in their room. If they don't cooperate, then they get an automatic "double" and that punishment is more severe--like loss of dessert for 3 days or loss of video games for 3 days, etc. We made a chart with our girls of what things constituted an automatic "3" so the rules were clear. The main component of this technique is also that the parent is to remain completely calm while counting, so no attention is being given for the behavior you're not appreciating. Good luck, sounds like your daughter has many special talents!

 

[brymolmom]

OK - I'm assuming it is in here or maybe just assumed, but what kind of discipline techniques have you tried? I know you mentioned the 'praise for good', but 6.5, IMO, especially for one so intelligent, is way old enough to have behavior = consequence. Is there something she enjoys that you can start having her earn or take away minutes from? Toys that she can lose the priviledge of? Going to bed early?

It might be tough to envision for a child who has so many older traits, but 6.5 year olds need their boundaries no matter if it's a child reading at High School level or just learning her ABC's....especially when it comes to teaching to respect those who are teaching you or even just talking with you. In your dd's case - it sounds like this is even more important than 'usual', because, as you said, she likely will end up knowing more than many people around her in her life. The time to teach that respect and avoid having her labeled by peers a 'know it all' and by elders as 'disrespectful' is now!

Have her help you come up with appropriate consequences. First time she doesn't listen or has an inappropriate reaction (crying, tantrum), she gets a warning. Second time - she gets no TV (or computer time, or whatever is good for her). Third time, she goes to bed a 1/2 hour early. This or whatever works for you guys.

Good luck!

 

[mjkacmom]

My oldest was a bit like that - by the time she turned 1, she was speaking in complete sentences, and was always "intense" - always has to be "doing." She also had some difficulty in socializing - didn't get personal space. She did very well academically in elementary school, but didn't enjoy it (got some not so great teachers). She is now in middle school, and happy (gets excellent grades, but doesn't love academics). In elementary school, she got the ADHD diagnosis (she wasn't physically hyper, but emotionally hyper), went on medication, and no longer needed it by 5th grade (which makes me believe she was never ADHD to begin with - by 5th grade, she could totally focus, and was 100% independent when it came to homework, tests, and projects).

She has a lot of talent in music and theater, and finally found her outlet. She now has a great group of friends, and has learned to "contain" herself. I think the fact that I went on to have 4 more children kind of forced her to "normalize." It also sounds like your dd has some sensory issues, maybe SID/OCD? SID is ofter misdiagnosed at ADHD (some of my kids have some of these tendencies). How is she with other children?

 

[fimac]

I will start by saying I have 3 gifted boys, one which is gifted/LD with celiac, other food intolerances and severe anxiety problems.

What is she doing for fun ? How much time each week does spend playing with friends ? Does she have any activities which she does in which she does not excel, but is at the same level as her 6 year old peers ? Sports can be very leveling.

What is your plan for her future ? What do you want to her achieve ? Why are her advanced academics important to you ?

What do you do to relax ? How much time to you spend apart ? Do you have time for a family vacation that does not include learning.

My boys love roller coasters. They can tell more facts than you want to know about them. However it does not mean that they will not be told that they are being boring.

These are all questions that I have asked my self so perhaps they will help you.

It sounds like it is time for every one to relax and take a vacation, have some silly time.

 

[clutter]

But ask her to stop swinging her legs while sitting at the table eating and I'm in for a battle. DD will read for hours on end and get every detail and nuance but if I ask her to read a specific book all of a sudden she is tired or can't figure out the words or she reads it so fast that she can't do her book report and has to read the book again to answer the questions.

Ok, take this for what it's worth, since my dd is not gifted in any way, shape or form.

BUT, one thing that I noticed is that both examples you used of your dd melting down involve pretty minor stuff. Kid stuff. One was to sit up straight and the other was to not swing legs. My reason for mentioning this is that you say that she's a child with an adult brain, but you, too, are treating her like an adult. Kids slouch at the table. They swing their legs. (I still do, I swear it pumps my brain!)

I have a friend that watched all the little details with her twins since I've known them at 2. Sit up straight, don't slouch, etc. To outsiders, like me, at 12, they are delightful. Well spoken, funny, interesting. To her, they still aren't perfect. She sees all the little things that need correcting, but forgets to look at the big picture. As a result, I see a couple of wonderful well-behaved kids, and she is still arguing constantly with her daughters. It became so ingrained for her to direct them when they were young, that once old enough to fight back, they did. In their case, they do it by arguing. In other families, I'm sure that arguing is not allowed, so other tactics are taken. In contrast, I didn't notice leg-swinging or slouching with my dd, or if I did, I considered it age-appropriate and didn't bother with correction. I figured that my dd would learn in time, and she did. At 12, she's equally delightful as my friend's twins, BUT I enjoy her so much more than my friend enjoys her girls. And we rarely battle. I'm not saying she didn't melt down at 6. Kids that are 6 just tend to do that. The "I can't do it because you asked me" was a big one. (Let her think it was her idea, and it was a different story!) Sometimes you do just have to take a time out.

Anyway, my overall point is that you may want to look at the things that drive your child to melt, and to really make a decision about what is worth pursuing and what isn't. What will she likely age out of? I'm sure it's tough because she is SO old academically and that causes people to expect her to act older than she is. But is that fair? (My dd was exceptionally tall. Exceptionally. So I do get that!)

 

[Ohio Disney Girl]

x

 

[AuroraBeauty]

BRYMOLMOM, I have been working on behavior=consequence since she was about a year old (always age appropriate). We have house rules and if anyone breaks the rules (mom and dad included) then each person has their own specific consequence since what is appropriate for DD is not necessarily appropriate for mom & dad. Break a house rule and DD automatically gets time out, no questions asked. Within the last month though DD has continued to break the rule of being respectful to others and this is where my main frustration has escalated.

DD has a chart of responsibilities she has to do (make her bed, set the table, wash her hands after eating, etc.) for which she gets points. She has to get at least 60 points to watch her show before bed. Not enough points, no show. Since Jan. 1, DD has received less than 60 points on 22 day (15 of which have been in the last 30 days).

We don't go out to eat all that often, but if we've planned to go out it is often conditioned on DDs behavior. If she gets a time out, no going out.

DD knows that if she doesn't do her schoolwork then she can't stay at the library to get her own books at the library (I put her reading books on hold so we just go in and pick them up) and instead it's just an in & out trip.

Even when we're out, there are rules and if she breaks the rules she goes to time out (in public!). And I've run in to problems with others telling me to ease up on her and not to be so mean (that one really hurts! I'm trying to be a good mom and I get some stranger at a store telling me I'm being a bad mom b/c I'm putting my DD in time out).

I like to think that I'm consistent in my discipline. I have made charts for DD, I made laminated chore cards so she can turn them over when they are done so she sees her progress, I let her decide the order she does some of them in (like made bed first or put her her daily calendar first or get dressed first). I have always said 'please' when asking her to do something, not only to model the behavior to her but b/c that's what I do for others so of course I would do that with DD too. I say 'thank you' to her at the appropriate times, just like I would say 'thank you' to anyone else.

There are boundaries, but not too many that DD can't just be a kid and do kid stuff. Others in my family think DH and I are too strict b/c we have rules and that DD is too young to be so 'confined' (their word, not mine).

BUMBERSHOOT, thank you for sharing your personal stories. I'm glad you finally got pens you like, I know what you mean about that. When I worked in an office I would buy my own pens and keep them in my bag b/c I hated the pens at the office. DD has a preference for pencils/markers/crayons so I make sure she has what she needs so as not to stifle that creativity at such a young age.

As for the violin, I can't really change the instrument now and start a new one. For one, DD loves playing the violin but b/c she's already better than me she often doesn't think I can be her home teacher (we do Suzuki and she does have a regular teacher but we have home practice each day). DD is also very good at it, and she knows it. Also, DD really wants her new violin but after having it for about 2 weeks her teacher determined that it's just a slight bit too big for DD so we had to go back to the smaller one. It was a real blow to DD's sense of being a 'big girl' and having a 'big girl' violin (her new one is a 1/4 size and the sound is just so much better). DD has perfect pitch and both her teacher and I think that DDs complaining all of a sudden (her violin never bothered her before) is her way of wearing us down to just give in and give her the new violin. But we can't b/c it will actually cause more problems than waiting another few weeks for DD to grow. DD has actually argued logic and tried to school us on the human body to try and get her new violin -- the challenges of being as smart as she is but still only 6.

Thank you, again, for the great support and suggestions of new and different consequences. I'm so worried that I'm going to screw up DD and I don't want to do that. I have read quite a few parenting books and have taken a few seminars through the local gifted ***'n to try and better learn how to work with DD.

BIBBIDI, you're the 2nd person on here to mention 1,2,3 Magic. I'm looking forward to reading it. I have read the Kazdin Method and learned a lot from that book and I'm sure I can take some great information from 1,2,3 Magic.

Thank you all for helping me face the day anew!

 

[PollyannaMom]

....DD sees my emotions in something so small as my eyes getting wider or pursing my lips slightly or even just looking down and not having eye contact. I don't know how she does this. Sure, I have 'the look' that I know every mom has. But how can she see me clench my jaw? She's not bionic and to my knowledge does not have x-ray vision. She'll even notice if I tense my hands. Ahhhhh!....

I absolutely understand this! DS(8) is very big on reading my feelings, too - even when I’m specifically saying the appropriate thing. I think he's just too young to really get that sometimes, something is going to bug me just because it bugs me, not because it's actually wrong, and that, being an adult, I'm going to respond fairly in spite of my own feelings. - But for kids who are very in tune to us, it's confusing when our "insides" don't match our “outsides.” (And I'm just not that good an actress!)

I really admire your patience for homeschooling. - It's all I can do just to get in some summer skills practice with DS! (And I'm a substitute teacher, so you'd think I'd have some tricks that work.) But DS hates having me explain things one on one - I'm "treating him like a baby" if I tell him how to do something, etc.

All I can say is give yourself enough breaks, enjoy and focus on the times that do go well between you, and keep up with the acceptable choices. -- I think sensitive kids are very aware of how much around them is NOT in their control, and those little islands of control can be especially helpful.

 

[laughinplace199]

"Even brushing her hair I somehow do it wrong if I accidentally pull her hair a bit from a snarl. "

That would be why my mom wouldn't let me grow my curly hair long at all. I always resented that, until I grew my own hair long, then had to deal with brushing it!!! Nothing like hurting yourself and hating yourself for hurting, um, yourself.


Probably just a silly idea, but maybe it'll help...when DS gets really emotional, I find that a bit of Rescue Remedy helps. It's sort of a homeopathic remedy, it's officially a "flower essence", and it's brilliant. If things get stressy, we'll ALL take it, and it helps us immensely.

Feeling sorry for myself b/c I had tag aversions too, but I just had to deal with it. I spent a lot of time scratching my neck b/c of those tags, and I could not wear turtlenecks until I was well into adulthood b/c they felt like they were choking me.
..."or she reads it so fast that she can't do her book report"...oh yes. I can read books probably 3 times, at least, before I remember them enough to really talk about them. I buy mysteries b/c I know they're good for a few times through.

Have you considered an instrument other than such a "touchy" one as the violin? Well maybe she's young for the flute, but that definitely touches you less. NOt that that's what you asked about, but since you are covering up the violin so she doesn't touch it much, maybe it's worth thinking about.

Maybe just give her the summer off, let her regroup a bit? Maybe she wants to follow her own lessonplans; even though she is very young, you could step back and be more Montessori about it, letting the kids work on what they want to work on?

Signing off...but letting you know I finally bought a whole PACK of my fave pens, the only ones that make me feel like I'm truly writing....blue Papermates....all the others are scratchy and bleah, like using a pencil that's not a #2.

This part gave me a little chuckle (no disrespect intended as I know these issues can be tough to deal with) because my DD & DS have two friends who refer to turtlenecks as "choking shirts." It's to the point now that our whole family refers to turtlenecks as choking shirts.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe you could ease up a bit? As a parent, I've been given a limited number of bullets, so I use them sparingly. Does she have any other activities besides violin? Does she play with other children a lot? If she's not meeting your expectations a lot, maybe they're too high? Sometimes you need to chose your battles.