OT: He doesn't want more kids.. I do...

[mrsltg]

To the OP, all I can say is, hold on. DH and I went through this exact issue for the last year or so. He didn't want anymore and I did. My thought was the one who doesn't want another child should have a stronger vote. I begged and pleaded and did everything in my power to change his mind. About a month ago I finally accepted that I was done and I had all of the children I was going to have. Two weeks later we received a surprise! Funny thing is, DH was thrilled and I was crying. He's the one who is over the moon about this baby and I am the one with reservations (I've got about 7 months to get my mind around it!)

Try to relax and not make this such an emotional issue. Whatever is supposed to happen, will. Good luck!

 

[Figment*Fan]

I have the opposite problem as you. Dh wants more kids, and I do not. Don't get me wrong, I love kids, I am just content with one. I can see your point in wanting dh to change his mind, but I can really see your dh's side too. I know that you're frustrated, but I think I can safely say that your dh must be too -- I know I am esp. when my dh keeps bringing the topic up.

I bet that your dh is not thinking of your views as less than his, and I think it is also safe to say that maybe he thinks that you're not respecting his position. I don't mean that in a bad way or to be negative, it is just that being in a similar position as your dh, I know that is how I feel at times. I respect and appreciate my husband's viewponts, and when he keeps pressing the issue, I feel as though he thinks that he is "right" and I am "wrong" for not wanting more children. Reading that you are resenting your DH sparked my interest -- because I wonder if my dh feels resentment towards me for wanting only one child. Then I think that if he truly loves me, he will understand and respect my feelings, and not reach a point of resentment -- he and I did discuss the number of children before we were married, so I thought this issue was covered, but apparently not.

There are times when I feel as though dh (and others) want to hear my reasons for not wanting to have more kids to see if they are "good enough" reasons -- as though I am under some sort of evaluation process, wherein they will mull over my reasons and let me know if they are good enough I personally think that a "I do not want to have more children" should be sufficient.

I really empathise with you, I really do. But, I can see this from your dh's point of view, and really do not think that he is looking at your wants as less than his, or that he is a bad guy. You just have different views on family size. I don't think that pressing the issue over and over is going to change his mind any more than his saying no is going to change yours.
Your dh seems like a great guy based on what you have mentioned, so I am sure he has his reasons for not wanting more children, though he may not fully be able to convey his reasons.

 

[deejohn]

Speaking from the other side (I am a father of 4, ages 13-3 married for 18 years to their mother), I understand his concerns. Adding another child to mix always changes the relationship, money, responsibility, time taken away from you.

I think if you continue to talk to him about it, he may come around. If he puts up the argument why he does not want another one, be sure to have a solution.

He says - We don’t have enough money. You assure him you’ll manage the budget
He says – It will interfere with our freedom. You say, but think of the reward
If he has siblings (with a good relationship with them), mention that your daughter will not have that when she gets older.

I think there is a communication gap here. You say “another child”, he hears “need more money” – the old Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing.

Good luck. Hope everything works out for you all.

PS – I am an only child. It has some benefits, but I would trade all of them for a brother/sister. Before we got married, I made sure my wife knew that I expected more than 1, however, in hind sight, I probably should have put a cap of 2 on that

 

[TheDizMom]

So I don't know if you read my earlier post, but things just got interesting. i just took a test and its positive. Talk about a sign!!!

Congratulations! How wonderful . I am a firm believer in the "everything happens for a reason" club. This new baby was obviously meant to join your family to make it complete. I think the reason we humans incubate for as long as we do is so we have time to get mentally ready for it . I hope you have a happy, healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby .

 

[TheDizMom]

Speaking from the other side (I am a father of 4, ages 13-3 married for 18 years to their mother), I understand his concerns. Adding another child to mix always changes the relationship, money, responsibility, time taken away from you.

I think if you continue to talk to him about it, he may come around. If he puts up the argument why he does not want another one, be sure to have a solution.

He says - We don’t have enough money. You assure him you’ll manage the budget
He says – It will interfere with our freedom. You say, but think of the reward
If he has siblings (with a good relationship with them), mention that your daughter will not have that when she gets older.

I think there is a communication gap here. You say “another child”, he hears “need more money” – the old Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing.

Good luck. Hope everything works out for you all.

PS – I am an only child. It has some benefits, but I would trade all of them for a brother/sister. Before we got married, I made sure my wife knew that I expected more than 1, however, in hind sight, I probably should have put a cap of 2 on that

It is nice to hear this from the Dad's perspective. What great insight and advice you have just given her. .

 

[shondad]

#1
I know a couple that was in a similar situation. They had one child (but had agreed to have several prior to marriage) and the DW wanted another, her DH did not, he comes from a rather large family of about five kids. My friend said that his rationale was that he could not love another child the way he loved the one they had. Well her yearning was pretty strong, at some point she got pregnant, well (certainly not to spawn a debate here) he insisted that she terminate that pregnancy, which with a heavy heart she did. She seemed to be resentful toward her DH, but they stayed married. A couple of years after that she was pregnant again (intentionally as she was determined to have another, she comes from a family of two - her and her sister), again her DH did not want that child, well let me just end this by saying that they are the proud parents of two girls, the younger one being 8yo. There marriage seems to be a strong, if not stronger than ever and the DH seems to be absolutely crazy about DD#2. Through grace they weathered the storm.

#2
My aunt had only one child, though she said she wanted more, for some reason or another she did not. She has since passed on and had only her son, I think it is hard as he really has no one else 'lean' on aside from our grandmother and a female cousin that's his age, it is not the same.

#3
I know two people in our family (both are my DH's aunts) They both had just one child. Tragedy struck for both of them, both of their children died, though one has grandchildren and the other has grandchildren and a great grandchild, it is not the same for them.

Not trying to be grim or negative with the comments #2&3, I just wanted to share these situations that I'd been made aware of that look at different 'sides' of the coin so to speak. Everybody, every situation and every marriage/relationship is different. I don't think anybody should be an only child (certainly JMHO), but I also believe that children aren't for everyone. Sometimes there are people, a very few, that actually know their limit.

To the original poster: I sincerely wish you and your family the best of luck, and pray that you all can come to an amicable agreement that everyone involved can live with.