OT: Having a second child with autism

[BlondeAlligator]

My DH and I have a 4yo autistic DD. She is the light of our lives, and we love her sooo much! She is high-functioning, and we feel so blessed and lucky that she is doing very well. We have always wanted 2 children, but I have to admit, we are both a little nervous about having another child. We are concerned about whether or not it would be a good thing or a bad thing for our DD, and we both worry about having another autistic child who might not be as high-functioning as our DD & the strain that might put on DD and us.

Has anyone out there dealt with these feelings? I really want another baby...does anyone know if we have an increased chance of having another autistic child? If you have an older autistic child & a younger sibling, how did your older child handle the change to the family dynamic?

We are both struggling with this decision, and I think that we will probably go ahead and start trying at the end of the year, but I could really use some encouragement. Thanks to all those who respond!

 

[BlondeAlligator]

bumping

 

[finz2left]

First, HuGE HUGS!

I have 3 children. My DS 7, nearly 8, is exceptionally gifted. We run to the library four times a week to find new books. We battled with the school system to have them accomodate his needs because he was so bored in school. He has already finished 2 years of Latin and is starting German. He takes Piano, Guitar, and attends several enrichment programs. We try to keep activities down, but he's bored to tears if he isn't constantly consuming educational material. Where did he get that -- I dunno!!! Not me, for certain.

Then, our daughter, 5, is blessed with an extra 21st chromosome...commonly known as having Down syndrome. She's the center of my universe, and though she has a few therapies, they pale in comparison to what we do with oldest DS. She is smart, funny, and electric. She makes us rethink why we exist, and enjoy her odd sense of humor, like calling me mommy dude and her dad daddy ma'am just to get rise from us, LOL.

Finally, we come to the the final chapter -- our "typical" child who is anything but easy! He's a whirlwhind of energy who bounces off of walls, eats like a football player, and sees every rule as an opportunity to find a loophole. He talks nonstop -- and I mean nonstop, and has found a way to ruin 3 DVD players and 2 vcrs in his short, almost 4 years. He's also a gorgeous kid -- the cool and popular type. He's gentle with babies and gravitates to children with special needs, like his sister. His girlfriend Callie, has Spina Bifida. He knows she's in a wheelchair. He doesn't care. He just "gets" disability. He has friends who are nonverbal, and he watches for cues to see what they need and he plays with them for hours on end. He's exhausting, and empathic.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, yes, disability of anykind is often unexpected, but I firmly believe with all of my heart that life is a gift and each of us has to decide if we are going to focus on the challenges or on the joys. Autism does often cluster in families -- unlike T21 which is generally a conception cell division occurrence-- but even after having DD, we decided that disability wasn't scary. It is natural and "normal." The world may not be prepared to fit the child as easily as an off the rack pair of jeans fits many of us -- it needs tailored a bit. And, for the unmeasurable joy of bringing a new life into the world, we were prepared to continue to tailor the world. We've done it for DS 1, and DD2, and even for our "typical" DS3.

Though you probably will have a typical child, you will never have a "typical" life -- you are a parent, LOL

As for their interaction....all I can say is I can't imagine how sad their lives would be without one another. They are best friends, worst enemies, biggest whiners, and best comforters. They adore each other. They fight. They ******* They cry. They laugh. They fall asleep together after a long day of playing, and gang up on us with request like "Disney World" and they make DD the front person with "Please mommy. I need Ariel!"

Huge Hugs and I hope you and DH can agree on this important family decision.

 

[Bugsmom73]

I will be watching this thread very closely. We think our DS is high functioning Autism. We had a neurotypical 5 year old and we are going to discuss this thoroughly over the next year or so. We too live in Chicago.

 

[tacomaranch]

Dear Blondealligator,

Wow, I read your post and sat back to think. What would we do? What should she do? I truly do understand your concerns. Life is different when you have a child with autism. The spectrum makes it so no two children are the same. Because you have one child one the spectrum might you have another?

That is the question my dear and only God knows the answer. There are no guarantees in life unfortunately. We have what we have and we do all we can in our lives to do what is right and to enrich our childrens lives also.

I can't answer you post but do pray about it, and maybe the question is really, are you ready for another child? Big huge hugs to you.

Oh yes, I remember reading just last week that a person I know had another baby. He middle child is severely disabled with a brain tumor disorder and autism and a list a mile long. They have dear Davis and two other great kids. I am happy that they are having more children and they love Davis.

All the very best, April

 

[1stluvispooh]

I too have a DD with autism. She turn 6 in May and we finaly got a Dr. to give a dx in March so it's been a long haul to get someone to admit she had a problem. She is very high functioning which is what I think was the major delay with getting a dx. Anyway, she is our 2nd and because I was pushing 36 when I had her my DH and I had decied before any problems arouse that she would be our last. That being said I have been having the "I want a baby" feeling for the past year. (Maybe it's because I have gotten an other neice and nephew this year ) DD is great with her baby cousins and loves to see babies when we are out. The only thing I can tell you that if I only had one child I would be having a 2nd now. A sibling is a great gift and rember God only gives you what you can handle. As for me and my baby want, I have applied for a job being a newborn photographer in the hospital. Wish me luck

 

[Dina]

Hey! We've talked before-- I have a son, Aidan, with high functioning autism/aspergers, and another child, Danny (3yo), who my doctor believes is on the spectrum (right now my husband and I are struggling with how to go about the evaluation process, since we haven't been really happy with the intermediate unit for my oldest-- we get different diagnoses each year with each IEP-- its frustrating). We are also struggling with your question, because I want a third-- my husband thinks we have our hands full with two children on the spectrum. We were lucky that we had Danny before we knew Aidan had Autism (or was even on the spectrum, everyone just thought he was a genius, and the meltdowns were really just beginning-- we just thought "terrible twos.") So, I can't say for sure what we would have done, had we known Aidan had Autism, but I know I thank god every day for Danny. He is such an absolute joy-- Aidan is too. But, before having Danny, I never thought I could love another baby as much as my first, and I so totally do. I can't imagine my life without either of them, and I am not sorry at all I had a second. However, we have tough days-- shopping with both of them is tough, I get one through a meltdown, and the other starts-- people look at me like I'm the worst mother ever-- and, I do understand my husband's dilemma, because we have two now, that can be a handful at times, though we manage-- we manage on vacations, we manage out doing things, restaurants etc. He feels like if we have another, the baby will definitely have autism (which isn't at all true, but I guess since we're 2 for 2 lol-- that's what Joe thinks hehe), and also the same thing--our fear is-- what if the next baby isn't high functioning? Not that I wouldnt' want a child with more severe autism, I absolutely would love my child no matter what-- but could I handle it?? If it were just up to me, I'd definitely have the third, but my DH really wants to stick with two, so we are. The only thing I will say, is I'm an only child, and no matter what, I wanted two, because I wanted my child to have a sibling-- some may think I'm wrong, but as an only child, I truly believe a sibling is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your child-- not that another child should be looked at as a "gift" to your existing child, but we really love having two-- and they love each other so much-- its truly wonderful-- especially because of the aspergers. Aidan has a hard time with other kids-- he gets along with everyone, he isn't bullied or picked on, but he never really clicked with anyone in his school-- and he and Danny are so close, I really feel like he needs that sibling bond since he doesn't really have it with friends, so I truly thank God every day for Danny. Good luck with your decision-- PM me anytime if you want to talk!!!

 

[freckles and boo]

Our story is a little different. We have two daughters. The older is six and "typical". The younger is four and is high functioning but clearly on the autistic spectrum with sensory issues. Her greatest challenge is language. (We decided to stop after two, but that was mainly because I am pushing forty .) All I can offer you is this - my girls share that special bond sisters share. They bicker and fight and play and giggle. They share a bedroom and toys and books. I am absolutely convinced that our younger daughter benefits by modeling her sister's behaviors and speech. She has had to learn to share and take turns because she gets whomped by her sister is she doesn't. The older one is beginning to learn tolerance and appreciation for kids who are different. I am not suggesting it is a completely normal sibling relationship but they enrich one another's lives immeasurably. I also feel comforted knowing that they will have each other when we are gone (hopefully later rather than sooner!)

 

[3kidsmommy]

I have been reading with interest and am finally ready to respond. I have three wonderful children. My oldest is 11 and was born with an encephalocele (a neural tube defect, even though I had been taking prenatal vitamins for months prior to her conception). She is perfectly neurotypical. My middle child is 8. He has autism, adhd, sensory integration dysfunction and is mildly mentally retarded with an IQ of 68. He is verbal, but very literal, and has so many, many autistic qualities such as verbal stims, hand stims, no eye contact, etc. This child is my light. I can't imagine loving anyone more...and the love is different than it is for my older child, and my younger one. Not a bad different, just more of a coping different. It makes it so I don't get the "sorry-for-myselfs" too terribly often. My youngest child is 7, only 11 months younger than my middle child, and is adopted. This wasn't due to my middle child having autism, more was a circumstansial thing as I was a foster parent to this child, and I suppose God felt we were to be his forever family! He was 7 months old at placement and 3 years at the finalization of his adoption. He is also neurotypical.
Would I have another child?
At this time, I would have to say NO. This si because I can look at it from the standpoint of I have no idea how we will provide for Chandler (son with autism) forever. We live on a modest income (my dh is retired on disability from his job and ssdi due to aggressive MS) and I don't feel it would be fair to bring another little one into the world and not be able to give that child what he/she woudl need--both short and long term.
NOW--here is the thing though--IF Chandler was an only child, I would have another without a second thought. Why? Sad as it seems, because I pray that one of my child's siblings will step up to the plate to help care for their brother when my dh and I are gone. I am raising them to understand that family is forever. That we ALL help each other. They see me shop for my grandmother, cut her toenails, wash her hair. They see me care for my dh, help with his baths, shaving, etc. Family is forever. This doesn't mean we aren't preparing for our son's future in other ways. We are. But he deserves to have love every day of his life. So, if there weren't any siblings, yes, I think I would have another.
I really feel like that you just can't know what is in store...you can't predict if autism will happen once, twice, three times or none in your family. Prior to Chandler, there have been NO diagnosis' of anything like autism in my family. Nor in his dad's. IT just happened. Same with my daughter's birth defect.
I do wish you luck in your decision and hope that whatever you decide, you are happy with it! I have learned that you cannot replace happiness, true happiness, with anything. Hugs to you, and all of us, with these special, special kids...and spouses...and selfs!

 

[Nik's Mom]

We have a 7 year old ds and a 4 year old ds. Our oldest is high functioning autistic. We suspected that he was autistic while I was pregnant, but we hadn't received a diagnosis yet. I still would have had a second baby though. We love both of our children so much. Our 2nd ds has some difficulties, we suspect SID, and he has a speech delay. But our boys are extremely close and it is such a joy to have them. Yes, life would be a lot easier if we didn't have 2 special needs children, but those were the cards we were dealt.

A good friend of mine comforted me by telling me that God trusted us enough I to bless us with 2 of His special needs children. When I start to doubt myself, I try to remember that.

I encourage you to have another baby. It will be a blessing for your family!

 

[BlondeAlligator]

As I sit here at my computer reading all of your posts, I am crying. You all are such an inspiration to me! I know that I was meant to be Nattie's Mom...I feel like she helped pick me for the job. That's how I get through my rough days. I also believe that everything happens for a reason...if we were to have another special needs child, it would be because we were meant to share our hearts & love with him/her. Your stories have provided me with some insight & perspective that we just didn't have before...

I hope that more people keep posting...I really feel like this decision will be easier to make after hearing from all of you! Plus I know that whatever happens, I can come here for support now & in the future!

Thank you to all of you WONDERFUL people out there who are so open & caring...

 

[Michigan]

I have a cousin that has 4 boys and 3 of them are autistic. Now they think the Dad may have Asperger's.

My youngest dd plays on a ball team that has an autistic girl and before her parents had their last child (the 2nd one was born before they knew she had it) they did genetic testing and the results came back showing she didn't have a genetic form so they had a 3rd child.

Cindy

 

[Tissa]

There is always a chance that you could have a second child with special needs Autistic or not so the question you have to ask yourself is could you handle another special needs child? If you go into this being OK with two autistic children then definitely have another baby it will be loved and cared for no matter what it's abilities or disabilities are.

I've been raising my two nephews since they were 18months and 3 years old, now 11 and 8. The 11 year old is visually impaired and has CP and the 8 year old is visually impaired and Mid range autistic, lots of sensory issues,OCD etc.. For me I have decided not to have children of my own. These two are a blessing for sure but I think I have been blessed enough thank you very much.

 

[headoflife]

The odds are greater for a couple with one autistic child to have another than for the average couple, but it is not a given. As others have said, you need to know that you can handle whatever you are given. In our case DS11 is gifted and has Aspergers and I have know he did since he was 2 years old. We did not have a formal diagnosis until he was 6, but he has gotten services since he was 3, and I believe that is why he is functionin so well. Another reason he is doing so well is DD8. She is his opposite in many ways, gifted in areas hge is not and social and empathic almost to the extreme. She forces DS to play, interact, listen, care, and doesn't let him escape into his room or the TV for too long. She is, in many ways better therapy than anything else we could ever do for him. She is a joy and a treasure, and they love eachother more than I could have imagined. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the possibilities of a second child on the spectrum and I guess I am glad I didn't since I probably would have made myself crazy. I just hoped that whatever our children were like, we could handle it. Good luck with your decision.

 

[sameyeyam]

My sister has 3 boys and her youngest was born with numerous problems, including severe autism. Tyler will never live a normal life and is basically a 2 year old stuck in a 16 year old body. He is a wonderful person, always smiling, but must be cared for in a special setting because of his severe disabilities. My sister always wanted to have a really large family, but for that reason she chose not to have any more children. Our entire family was very supportive of her decision.

When I decided to have children I spoke at length with my doctor, because I was concerned about having a child with the same problems. My ob/gyn was able to refer me to a genetic specialist. I filled out lots of paperwork, made lots of calls to relatives on both sides, and presented our entire family history. I was able to get a straightforward mathematical answer to what are the chances my child will be born with problems. We were given "odds" of our child having certain genetic defects. I highly recommend talking to your ob/gyn and asking for a referral to a geneticist before conceiving a child. My husband and I then felt empowered enough to make a decision. There were many discussions and we talked about our plan if the baby did have problems. I think being aware of what could happen and how we would deal with it really helped us. Fortunately we were blessed with two wonderful children that have no medical problems.

It is a very agonizing decision, but if you approach it with as much information as you can get and as educated as you can be it will make the decision easier. Sometimes just seeing the odds printed in black & white can make all the difference. Good Luck.

 

[KathyRN137]

Hi!

Our youngest child is autistic. We thought about having a third child, but since we also have my DH's son from a previous marriage, our decision to not try for another child was probably more financial than about possibly having another autistic child.

I have to admit, though, that in my heart of hearts I would be apprehensive about the chance of "it happening again".

If I were to get pregnant again, I would plan on the child being autistic. We're so much more prepared for it now.

Good luck; I'm praying for you!

Kathy

 

[minkydog]

There is always a chance that you could have a second child with special needs Autistic or not so the question you have to ask yourself is could you handle another special needs child? If you go into this being OK with two autistic children then definitely have another baby it will be loved and cared for no matter what it's abilities or disabilities are.

There you have it, in a nutshell. It really does come down to whether you feel you have the physical, emotional,social and financial resources to manage another child, whether she is disabled or not.

We have three kids. All my kids were born after I turned 30 and with the last two I was 38 & 40. Before each pregnancy we asked ourselves some pretty hard questions. Each time we decided to go ahead.

Our youngest child has a rare chromosome disorder that causes severe mental retardation, autism, hearing & vision loss, and seizures. He was medically fragile his first two years and had no self-help skills until he was over 5yo. After his birth I very much wanted another baby; my husband was very much against it. We talked about it long and hard and ultimately DH did not feel he was up to handling another very handicapped child. So he had a vasectomy. It was a very sad decision for me.

My kids are now 20,13,& 11. My DH is partially disabled himself with lung disease. I am almost 50 and things are starting to "fall apart" for me, physically. I've herniated two discs this year, blown one knee out,and devleoped painful arthritis in my feet and hands. And of course, there' menopause I bless my husband for his wisdom 10yrs ago because I know we could not handle another young child now.


Take your time to decide if you can do this again. Just because you have one child with autism doesn't mean it will happen again. But it can. In fact, it might be worse, nobody can promise anything. So before you get pregnant you have to know what you can do (and I learned there is no shame is admitting that it's too much.)

 

[MightyMom]

It's a hard decision..... but I'm glad to hear you are putting a lot of thought into it..... it would be a shame if you jumped into a decision and later regretted it.

My son(7) was born 2 1/2 months premature. He has cerebral palsy as well as all the sensory and visual impairments that often go hand in hand with CP.

When my son was two I got pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned. Turns out I was pregnant with twins. Unfortunately, I lost them at 12 weeks.

Our third and final pregnancy was high risk from the beginning. I started having my first contractions around 20 weeks. I was very frank with my doctor and told them I did not want any heroic measures taken if my son was born if he was born extremely premature.

I knew in my heart and soul that my husband and I could not handle having another child with a disability...... and I did not want to see another child of mine suffer the way my first one has suffered.

Turns out my third blessing was in fact premature...... but only by 6 weeks. He tipped the scales at 6 pounds! He was born screaming and has not stopped ever since.

Now....he's 2 1/2.... and according to his pediatrician he has a "developmental delay" (grrrrr.... I hate labels!) He does not eat, play or talk like a "normal" two year old boy. He's already in speech therapy and OT. My gut instinct tells me this is strictly a sensory integration problem, but I am not so closed minded that I will not consider the possibility it could be PDD-NOS.

Turns out I CAN handle another child with special needs. I can't even imagine my life without my boys. They are wonderful little men!

So, you're probably wondering what my point is, right? I think in deciding to have another child you'll have to be ready for whatever comes your way. You could end up having a perfectly normally developing child only to find out she hates Disney World! (GASP!.... now ask yourself.... could you handle that?!?!)

 

[DisCharmed]

Hi,

I'm a teacher who has often had to raise the concern with parents that their child may be a bit different.

I always say to parents that they are the same child they were before diagnosis, call kids whatever you want, quirky, individual, unique ... that describes every child I have ever taught. Every single child has their own issues and strengths. Every, and I mean every, single child reacts in different ways to new siblings.

At the moment I have a boy of 6 in my class who was diagnosed on the spectrum this year, as was his 5 year old brother and his 2 year old brother. They have exactly the same kind of sibling relationships as any of my other pupils. It was a devastating blow for their parents, but I think most families would be proud for their children to have as good bonds as these three lovely boys.

I know it's daunting to go into a pregnancy wondering .. will it happen again? but life is an adventure and sometimes the most unexpected paths are the most exciting and rewarding.

 

[bumpysheep]

I am not a parent, but an autistic. My skill level is moderate to high. I wish I had a sibling because my mom worries a lot about me beng alone if she dies. I worry about it a lot too now that I'm older and can understand. I have a cousin that grew up with us that is like a sister, she is disabled to by MS and TVMS, she has an autistic son who in a lot of way I think of as a younger brother. My have two aunts and uncles that have autistic children, one is a bit older than me and th other a bit younger. Bothe were told they wouldnt have another autistic child and both did, if you count the one that got an AS diagnosis.

If I ever got to have children I would want autistic ones. I like that autistic children are anything but superfcial. You can't get that gurantee on an NT child.

Pluse sibling relationships are wonderful, I love my "sister" and she loves me just the way I am. That is how it is supposed to be.